Reflections.......

I know I haven't been updating my blog in quite awhile. I guess with all the happenings occurring around me in the past 2 weeks have actually left me dumbfounded a bit. Or perhaps there is a missing piece of the problem puzzle that I have yet to discover.

Oh well, time is of the essence. There is so many things to do, so little time and everything needs patience. I am not without fear that whatever I am working for collapses on top of me, but I bear in mind that our Creator will never test a subject unless he/she has the capability to overcome it and to Him I pray for strength in whatever I do, and to Him also I rest my doubts.

The events in the past 2 weeks have been pretty much amazing. I met new people, gained new allies and I am more confident with myself now. I got a glimpse of a new love, despite the many issues surrounding it, but in time God will reveal the true purpose of the encounter. I felt a love torn from my heart one day when I was working at my desk - I have a feeling that my old lover has finally tied the knot with his new girl. Despite praying for his happiness and that he find his companion before I did after our divorce, I must admit I did feel a pang of pain that morning as if a part of me had suddenly dimmed out. It could all just be my feelings - but if he has remarried, then I wish him all happiness. If not, then I hope he would soon. He was always useless without a woman.

As for the flame I've been trying to court for the past 2 years, I've decided enough is enough. It is time to move on. He knew what I wanted, he knew my intentions but if he has chosen as such then what can I ever do about it? God knows what's best for me, although I prayed for him, maybe he isn't the best for me. It is better to be with someone who wants you rather than someone that doesn't want me and just takes me out of sympathy. Although some nights I do admit I think of him, and I have a feeling he thinks of me too. But God always knows whats best for his subjects and I have faith he will guide me to the right person.

In my desperation I told God that if I remained single till the end of the year, I'd pledge myself completely to my work and remain single till I am 35. But I guess God doesn't want me to be single till I am 35, I suddenly find myself in a relationship with a guy I have just come to know.

I am a great believer of miracles and I believe that God will not forsake me. God never left me, it is me who forget sometimes and He needs to constantly remind me. But for this new year, I am praying that God makes my dealings easier so that then perhaps I could settle down with a nice guy and start the next chapter of my life.

Writer's bloc....

To many things happening in the past few days that have made a dramatic change to whatever I'm going through now. I have a lot of entries to write - as usual my year end recap, my new year resolution and the many activities I have been going through the past few days which included a retreat with my NGO, new friends and connections, new love perhaps........ unfortunately, with my extremely hectic schedule, the lack of sleep, rest and proper meals - it is difficult to write. I need a holiday definitely, praying that what is promised to me, today and tomorrow materializes. Perhaps I should just book myself into a hotel this xmas, just to rest, somewhere near my clinic so that I don't have to worry about driving and opening shop. We'll see.

Its almost the new year.........

This coming Friday will be the New Year for the Islamic calender. In another 2 weeks, is the new year according to the Gregorian calender. Time flies so fast when you are facing a lot of things at the same time. But I believe the worst is almost over. God is guiding me to be very patient with what transpired in the past year.

A lot of new things occurred in this past year. A lot of drama and obstacles that I had to go through. But looking back, I believe that everything that happened, happened for a reason - which was to make me grow wiser, stronger and more confident with myself.

I made new friends, I found love, I lost friends, I lost love. Perhaps this was the most difficult part of the year that I had to come to terms with. Silently, I sometimes still cry out of loneliness. I am after all just human. The issues with work, well, although stressful and in dire need of a solution, I face it with a more positive outlook. I have worked my hardest in the past 3 months, and I have faith that God will help me figure things out.

It is almost the new year, it is time to review my resolutions and plan for new ones. Hopefully I did achieve most of the things I set out to do this year. I wonder what's installed for me next year?

New Moon.....

I thought I may just do a short review on New Moon, the sequelae for Twilight since I've watched it. I saw it on the unofficial premiere night along side my two very best friends who are absolutely obsessed with Twilight and Edward Cullen. In the spirit of friendship, I attended the premiere and helped out with the goody bags just to support their cause. I am not a Twilight fan. Don't get me wrong, I love Vampire stories and Werewolves, but Twilight was just not really my thing. So I'll try not to be as bias as possible.

The opening scene was Bella in a beautiful field with Edward, when she suddenly come across an old lady, who looked exactly like her grandmother. She called to her, but she didn't reply, and then she was standing in front of the mirror and saw that old woman, next to Edward, and when she looked at herself, she was the old woman. It was a nice touch to describe Bella's dilemma of growing old when Edward remained young. She woke up with a start and it was her birthday. She wasn't too happy people wishing her happy birthday as it reminded herself of growing older, whilst Edward remained as how he is. Later that day, she was at the Cullen's celebrating her birthday when she cut herself on paper and one of the vampires tried to make a hit for her, which Edward stopped. But flung her across the room and broke another table and she bled more. Figures.

After the commotion ended, Edward sent Bella home. Subsequently, he was absent from school and then he came over to tell her that he was leaving. Bella wanted to come along, but he said no. This was a touching scene. So then Edward was gone. Bella went into major depression, refusing to socialize, until a few months later, she decided to get on with her life. She became close to Jacob and Jacob was highly interested in her. But then Jacob changed, and then refused to see her, and again she was thrown into desperation. Oh, I forgot to mention that whenever Bella tries to do anything crazy, she'll see Edward telling her not to, and you could guess went on a high adrenaline rush streak. She learns a secret about Jacob, which made them friends again.

Oh, and the other vampire, Victoria came back to kill her. But the wolves stopped her. Bella on the other hand, missing Edward, tried cliff jumping just to see him, ended up drowning but was saved by Jacob. Victoria was in the water too, but didn't manage to get to Bella before Jacob. Afterwards,Edward tries to call Bella at home but Jacob picked up saying she wasn't there, and that her father was attending a funeral. Thinking that Bella has died, Edward decided to send himself to Rome to get himself murdered by the Vampire overlords. Alice goes back to town to pick up Bella to save Edward.

In terms of storyline, I almost vomited because it dragged so much. There was just so much drama, that it was just like a soap opera. But I really have to give it to Bella, because her character potrayed a very unique mix of emotions which was actually very good and I guess people can relate to her. The cinematography improved a lot from the earlier movie, the effects were smooth. There were a few questions hanging, such as what happened to Victoria? I mean, I would have expected more from her rather than just a short chase around the woods.Plus the Roman scene was too short, should have elaborated a bit more. And Dakota Fenning's part was too little. I guess some fans felt a bit disappointed.

Overall, it is still watchable if you like romance movies with a little bit of action. Or if you are a die-hard Edward Cullen fan, or if you like young guys with 6 packs (Yes, there were some nice male bods featured). Although many Twilight fans do admit, the first twilight storyline was far much better than this one, but I guess the half naked guys won more votes.

Loving myself......

Despite all the turmoils that I've trudged through this whole year, I still find myself smiling. Its true when they say when you learn to love God, you learn to love yourself more. You try your best to be an excellent individual, because God wants us to be excellent individuals. In every calling for prayer, he reminds us by inviting us to excel to glory.

God is fair, that is one thing that I purely believe. It is us humans who make life unfair for each other, but its okay, if God wills something to happen, then definitely it must be for a good reason. We just need to learn to understand things as they come.

I think God is trying to teach me to love myself more. I have been sacrificing everything for everyone around me but it was out of desperation. But now I do it out of love for God and out of love for myself.

Its nearing year end, and I have found myself calmer than when I first started. Despite the problems, the heart break and the constant struggle to maintain a healthy cash flow, I have a good feeling that things will be much better after this.
Insya Allah.

Sometimes I wish I can help other people see what I see, and perceive the world as how I perceive it - I could really make them smile everyday as how I smile. But God is all-knowing, and perhaps this revelation is something they need to find out for themselves. All I can do for them is pray.

Its December....

Its the first day of December, how fast time flies. I feel like it was just yesterday we celebrated new year and I was all geared up with the challenge of making my clinic a success. At that time, I never thought that things could go as haywire as it did, I was confident because I had a strong investor partner at hand - or so I thought. Unfortunately, men lie, and so I was left to continue my journey alone. It was a great eye opener to me, that I have to learn to stand on my own feet. Many people tell me to give up, and rejoin hospital services since I was so good at it before. But what they don't understand is the passion.

How can I let my life's passion slip out of my way without trying my best? I certainly cannot. Although I am having trouble getting financing from banks and other institutions because my company is still new, I still believe there will be a good samaritan that will be willing to get me back up on my feet, because I know with all my heart, investing with me is never a bad decision to make, and I am confident I can pull through very well. I just need a little bit of help in the beginning just to get the ball rolling. Is it too much to ask?

Someone asked me recently, what would I do if I don't get the proper funding? Well, I said I don't want to put my perspectives that way, but if it were to come to that, then let's pray that God would send someone to help pull myself together because it'll be really bad if I ever reach to that level of depression ever. But I know I'll be okay, because I have God on my side, and I believe his promises. Besides, I will be of no good to anybody if I did not succeed. Stabilizing my business means I can afford time away to do my humanitarian work where they really need dedicated doctors. It also means I can help out my colleagues when they need to find a stand in when they are on holiday. Stabilizing my business would also allow time for me to work on other projects such as my obesity campaign, young adults retraining and a lot of things. I can contribute so much to the society if I settle that one and only problem, not before.

In some instances, I do feel frustrated with how people play around with my time and at the end of it results in nothing. But I sincerely believe, God has good plans for me and that the right funder will come to help me. 2009 has been a year of suffering, but I learnt a lot from it too. Just need to have a little bit more patience and everything will start to move into place. Amen.+

MRA Group 8 - part 3

19th NOVEMBER 2009

It is Thursday, and soon our mission would be complete. My patient from the other day did not make an appearance last night, although we waited. Perhaps the idea of having to travel to seek medical help did not appeal to the parents I presume. However, it was a total shame as his left distal thigh abscess was quite big and without a proper incision and drainage it would spread to his need joint and he is at risk of developing septic arthritis which in the long run without proper treatment may lead to injury to the knee joint and impair mobility. I’ve already explained to the parents concerning the consequences of no surgery. The least I did was give him antibiotics, which pray to God, he has the decency to take. Being trained in pediatrics for many years has made me extremely sensitive to child health issues. I feel that this is also a failure on my part.
I got up a bit later than usual, perhaps close to 8 am. Haji Hani was out handling some cattle issues for the upcoming Aidil Adha celebrations. Breakfast was fried rice courtesy of Norhayati, my only female nurse and company.
This morning we set out to see the progress on our home building projects. We were taken on a few sights near Sungai Sarik that was our next clinic destination of the day. These homes were a bit different from the temporary homes that we saw before because it still uses the old housing frame, and recycled rubble added to rebuilt the collapsed home. There were certain criterias to fulfill before a home is built for the victims, which includes the victims’ capability of income, presence of little children and elderly people.
After the short visit, we headed to Limpato, Sungai Sarik for the next mobile clinic. On the way there, Pak Yah told us that yesterdays drama was actually more than it seems. Apparently, it was not a matter of road rage, but rather crime of passion. The man beaten up was upset because the guy who beat him up ran off with his ex-wife and this was part of a revenge plot. They were actually having a chasing tail gating scene prior to banging into each other and fighting with each other and landing on our doorstep that night. I guess life in Padang could be interesting at times.
Limpato was a nice village which was related to one of the KDI ustaz, whom I’ve seen a couple of times visiting our home stay in Pariaman. We set camp in front of a school under an open stall. Luckily, there was a nice breeze blowing through which made the hot morning sun bearable. The response from the locals was surprisingly good, although initially the clinic ran slow. We saw 110 patients that day in a span of 4 hours. Haji and me even went to an extent of doing an incision and drainage for a boy with a right thigh abscess, this time smaller than the one previous. After a positive pus aspiration via syringe, I made a small X cut on top of the fluctuating area to remove the pus. We removed almost 5 cc of pus from the abscess, but what I was more astounded was the fact the boy could stand the procedure with only ethylene chloride spray given prior. He didn’t even cry, he only admitted to pain – and he was not even a teenager yet. Thumbs up kid! We washed and dressed the wound and I wrote a letter for the parents to bring to any nearby facility for dressing daily. I covered him with antibiotics and some panadol and he was on his way. Another observation that we made was that the people there were very patient and orderly, not like our previous clinics. They even helped us carry our boxes prior to the clinic and as the clinic ended.
We finished at about 3pm, exhausted and hungry. Lunch was again nasi padang, but this time the shop had more meat in it. I opt for simple plain rice and rempah fried chicken because I wasn’t feeling to good. The rest had the fried rice that we packed from this morning with some of the dishes sold. Buffalo stew was actually quite nice as we tried a plate to eat. After lunch, we went back to the ‘telekung’ factory we visited earlier to buy some more and then headed home. It was still early when we reached home and so we decided to take a look around the area. We went to a nearby stall selling ‘Bika’, which was something like our version of ‘Apam’ except for the coconut was blended into the dough. They used a special leaf found by the beach as the placemat that gives a very special aroma that adds to taste. It was quite sweet. We also went to visit a nearby telekung factory in front of the house, but we found that the designs and price were not up to our liking.
That night, we were pretty exhausted from the long day. It was Friday night, so we had our prayers and Yaasin reading. Dinner was chicken soup and mix vegetables with omelet. We were pretty exhausted after all the cleaning and rearranging drugs, and that night we slept early because the next day we need to get up early for our next clinic which was situated quite far from where we were.


20th November 2009

We got up early since we were to set out before 7am. Breakfast was simple bread and jam, some coffee and we were good to go. The journey was a long one. We stopped to fill up for gas on the way. It took us almost 2 hours to reach the last clinic spot which was near Maninjau Lake called Sigiran. Surrounded with natures finest greenery, we were awestrucked at the sight of the huge lake situated amidst the mountains. It looked like we were by the seaside, except for our brains telling us we went uphill. On the other side, there were remains of a landslide which made the road all too narrower.
We arrived at Sigiran mosque at half past nine. I was feeling a bit queezy. Motion sickness perhaps, more like morning sickness. We set camp outside the mosque. Time was limited due to Friday prayer’s but we managed to see 104 patients altogether. One boy had persistent rhinorrhoea with foul smelling discharge. I took a look and it appeared that he had put something up his nose. Thanking God for my 6 months ENT training before resigning, I found a curved forceps and managed to remove the foreign body with ease. It was all green and smelly. There was a bit of blood afterwards, and he cried mainly because of the blood I think.
My head was hurting and luckily the clinci was closed early for the Friday prayers. The men went on with prayers while Norhayati and me dispensed the remaining medications and then packed up all our stuff. After prayers, we said goodbye to the people of Sigiran and had lunch on the other side of the lake. Menu as usual, nasi padang. It was still quite early when we finished lunch. Since Bukit Tinggi was another half an hour drive, we decided to check out the place, just to see why people were really excited about it. The journey up was breath taking and altogether there was 44 bends to reach the top. It was quite cool, comparable to our Cameron Highlands I would say. The Bazaar was mayhem and it was interesting to see the different type of stalls. Mostly sold praying clothes, embroided clothes and bags. After a few hours we headed home. We reached Pariaman at around 9pm. Dinner was Pariaman Fried Chicken bought prior to reaching home. We packed our things for the journey home tomorrow.

21st November 2009

Dawn arrived and most of us woke up a bit later than we normally did. I wasn’t feeling so well, the Fried Chicken had caused me to purge all morning. My staff nurses helped clean up the house before we got into the car for our journey home. Of the many days staying in Pariaman, we finally understood what ‘Gempar Sumbar’ meant – we thought it meant earth quake, but actually ‘Sumbar’ was an acronym for West Sumatera (Sumatera Barat).
We reached the airport early at around 12 pm. Pak Yas cried as we said our goodbyes. Apparently in our short stay, he grew fond of our small team.
Whilst waiting in the airport, we met another group of volunteers from University Malaysia Kelantan. It was the first time they were there to offer humanitarian help. The dean wanted his students to be exposed to humanitarian work besides just studying for a certificate. He is also sending a bigger group to Cambodia for the coming Aidil Adha.
We got on the plane and I guess everybody gave a sigh of relief. One week away from our beloved home town makes the journey home the most anticipated part. The flight was a bit bumpy but the takeoff and landing was super smooth.
It was a wonderful experience, the journey, the people, the new surroundings and the new friends we made. Watching other people’s home being struck by natural disaster makes us feel so blessed that it did not happen to our homes instead. Despite the help given, it wasn’t really much but perhaps it was enough to remind them that there are people who care about them in the world. As for my team, I couldn’t have asked for a better one. Definitely I need to say thank you so much for their cooperation and dedication. I couldn’t have done this mission well without all of you. A special thanks to Haji Hani also for his guidance and patience with us.

Aidil Adha 2009......

Its Aidil Adha today and its another quiet Raya for me. Its quite ironic with the fact that I do have my family in KL, but apparently everyone else was just happy doing their own business.

Raya celebrations this year were at an absolute minimum. I made tomato rice for my kids, and perhaps that was just about it. Maybe the Raya spirit is not really set in because I didn't manage to make it in time for the morning prayers, or maybe the lack of love ones around me. I still had my girls, it was more than enough. But ever since I came back from Padang, my heart has been yearning for a life companion and perhaps its starting to get to me.

2 and a half years of being single. The fact that I'll be 30 next year makes it no less harder. I know who I am and how complicated my life is, despite me trying to make things appear so simple. The last heart break caused me to think and analyze my life a lot. I don't really blame the guy for ending our friendship, he'd have to have balls of steel if he decides to walk the path of life with me. My life is a on-going drama, it takes a lot of courage and patience to actually cope with the events that occur around me. It would have been comforting to have an intelligent and good-hearted man to care for you, but God has his reasons. Still, nobody likes to be lonely, and sometimes I just wish I had a guy to confide to my greatest fears, my troubles and share my happy moments. Someone to cuddle up with me on lazy Sundays and love me for the unique person I am. Patience is my only companion now, and I confide most of my musings to God.

This morning when I switched on the telly, there were a lot of discussions concerning Haji and faith. One interesting excerpt that was mention was a verse from the Quran that meant something like this : "You may not like it, but it may be good for you." I can't remember which verse he was referring to, but it sort of rang a few bells in my head. I may not like the events happening around me, but perhaps its the best for me. I've always prayed that God gives the best for me in all aspects - my personal life, my kids, my family, my jodoh, my company, my work, my studies, my faith. I always believe he will watch over me and guide me and help me when I don't have the power to move on. It was his promise to his faithful servants - He would not test thy servant unless they have the capability to overcome it. If I can't trust God, then there's no point in trusting anyone else or myself.

Looking at the pictures of Mecca and Madinah on the telly makes me really want to go visit the beautiful cities next year. Will I be given the chance? Only God knows for sure. I guess I'd have to settle my internal issues first before taking the leap there.

Happy Aidil Adha everyone. Hope you have a swell one.

Padang Mission part 1....

Okie, I admit, I'm a bit overly stressed after coming back from Padang with a million and one things to do. So I'm just going to cut paste my daily writings for MRA just for the benefit of my readers. Have fun.

MRA 8TH GROUP PROGRESS REPORT

14TH NOVEMBER 2009

We were assembled at LCCT airport at around 12.30pm. Checking-in and money changing were swift as we sat in Marry Brown receiving our briefing from Ms. Diyana and soon after. Mr Shahdan came by for final instructions of our mission. It was the last call for our flight as we made our way through the boarding. There was a sense of uncertainty and excitement as we sat in our seats. It was a smooth take off, the pilot was excellent. The flight to Padang was a quick one, but the view from the sky was breath-taking. Landing was superb also, swift and graceful.

Our arrival at the airport was greeted warmly by Haji Hani and Pak Yus. We made a quick pit stop to Padang town to buy some medicinal supplies. The environment was so different from the usual metropolitan KL scene that I was use to. What caught my eye was house simple the pharmacies appeared, somewhat equivalent to our traditional herb stalls in KL? After buying the supplies, we had our first taste of Nasi Padang at a nice restaurant called Lamun Ombak. It was a nice change from our normal diet at home.

We arrived at the MRA secretariat located in Jati, Pariaman. It was a single storey bungalow already rented for a year under MRA. I would say it was quite neat with all the facilities. After a short briefing, we decided to do the first most important thing – rearrange our medicine stock and prepare our boxes.

15 NOVEMBER 2009

The one hour time difference messed up our clocks but luckily since Malaysia is earlier by one hour, we were actually overly punctual. Breakfast was simple bread and jam from bread bought earlier in Padang when we landed. The journey to our clinic site was a long one. It was situated in the region of Agam, north of Pariaman called South Melalak – a small village called Talago. Talago suffered a great impact during the earth quake where 7 houses were buried under heaps of land. A lot of houses were damaged and few died.
We arrived around 9.30 am and set camp at the Talago Mosque. Dewan Dakwah Islamiyah Indonesia led by Uztaz Jamal was there too and they gave the ‘tazkirah’ for the people. Our clinic was a success despite the heavy downpour and the mini flood that occurred at our impromptu pharmacy. We treated 60 patients altogether with the main complaints of rheumatism and back pain. Before leaving, we scoured the small settlement to take a look at the remains of the landslide that occurred during the earth quake. Lunch was again Nasi Padang, at a nice small restaurant above a pond. On our way back, we dropped by to see the house that MRA built to help the people. Afterwards, we stopped by the market to stock on supplies. Dinner was simple fried rice courtesy of Azmee.

16 NOVEMBER 2009

It was only the 3rd day, yet everyone agreed that we were quite fed up of Nasi Padang. I whipped up some fried beehoon for breakfast from the items we brought from the market the day before. Today, we visited Sungai Rambai where we were greeted by the head of the village. We were given the community hall to be used as our clinic. It was a really hot day and there wasn’t any good ventilation in the hall. Luckily the toilet was quite decent. The clinic started at about 10 am and we found ourselves soon surrounded by locals of many ages. We saw 95 patients altogether, but ironically the main complaint was hypertension. Haji Hani wasn’t feeling so well, and I being surrounded in a small, stuffy area started to have a massive headache tending to patients that had difficulty understanding what I was trying to say. Luckily, we stopped the registrations, and Haji seeing me struggling to cope with the load came to help. I got up from my seat, feeling very woozy and giddy, sweating away in the hot stuffy room with traces of tobacco smell from the smoking male patients. I dashed to the toilet where I threw up, instantly feeling a lot better. I washed my face and quickly resumed my duties. My team was worried because I looked so pale. Luckily, we managed to finish around 2 pm. Lunch was Nasi Padang again, but the nice change that it was by the seaside, and I welcomed the reassuring breeze. We got home and I rested most the afternoon away. Haji Hani himself was unwell and I prescribed him some medication and antibiotics. That night, we went to a nearby pharmacy to stock up on LMS and eye drops. We stopped by a mini market where I found some instant Cappuccino. Dinner was bakso from a nearby stall. With coffee in my system, my headache started to clear and I was more energetic than ever. It was caffeine withdrawal syndrome after all. Well at least I found a cure early. That night we had an unexpected guest. A man fell off his motorcycle after hitting a hole on the dark road. He sustained abrasions over the right side of his face, arm and knee. We dressed him and gave him some medications and sent him on his way.

MRA GROUP 8 PROGRESS REPORT PART 2

17 NOVEMBER 2009

It was only Tuesday, but we felt that we have been here for quite awhile. We were getting use to the time difference especially the different praying times. We had sardine sandwiches for breakfast, and I had my dose of instant Cappuccino to start the day. By 8am, we were all good and ready to go, but Haji Hani decided to stay home since he was still feeling a bit under the weather. It was quite a surprise since I doubt before this he ever stood up any program. Given the task to lead the team, we headed out to our next destination - Tangah Sukur. On the way, we stopped by a wholesale dealer shop which actually belonged to Pak Yas’s (our driver) brother. We stocked on mineral water and I found a whole pack of instant cappuccino and mini chocolate tiger biscuits to add to our supply.

Tangah Sukur was a nearby village which took around half an hour to reach from our residence. We were placed in front of the mosque on a nice patio of an abandoned home damaged during the earth quake. The people of Tangah Sukur were very friendly and we treated 83 patients altogether with main complaints of hypertension and fungal infections. In view that we had just one big bottle of albendazole syrup, we decided to have a small worm campaign where the kids are given the dose of albendazole on the spot. After a lot of laughs, we took pictures with the locals. Most of the locals were pretty familiar with Malaysia, having relatives here. They even have interesting pets, and one of them actually showed her baby foxes. It was common for the locals to adopt these foxes as they can be domesticated and used to find good coffee beans. Yes, these were the foxes that eat the good coffee fruit and the locals gather the beans from their droppings. It is said that these beans produce the best coffee in the world, but despite being an avid coffee addict, I guess I was more grossed out with the thought of the beans extracted from fox droppings. Eww…

Lunch was again Nasi Padang situated by the beach. Despite the lovely scenery, all of us were quite fed up of the same type of dishes everyday. Azmee refused to eat except for some fish fritters that looked like ‘tempeyek’. Shahril, on the other hand, was craving for some tom yam. It was time to make a few changes; I don’t think I can survive eating the same menu day in, day out. Before we reached home, I told Pak Yas that we needed to go shopping. We headed for Pariaman market where we bought chicken, fish, prawns and squid. We tried looking for things like Tom Yam paste or curry powder, or even tumeric powder but apparently it was non-existent. We were forced to make do with whatever that was there but to me, this is where the fun is, creating food from basics. We then headed to the nearby pharmacy to stock on eye drops and LMS cream. When we reached home, Haji Hani was already feeling better. He then decided to take us to a nice place that made praying clothes for women. (Personal Note : For those coming – this is a must go place).
That night, we decided to cook for a change. We surprised Haji Hani by whipping up seafood tom yam and Fried Sambal Chilli Kerisi with omelette. Now at least the food feels more like home.

18 NOVEMBER 2009

It was our 5th day in Padang, and today we made nasi lemak for breakfast. Haji Hani was so happy, he grinned from ear to ear to get Malaysian nasi lemak for breakfast. We even packed some for lunch. We were scheduled to go to Sikabu at Lubuk Akap. The journey was a short one, less than half an hour.

We set camp in front of a fertilizer store situated at the main junction of the village. The villagers were excited to see us and many came despite the earlier rain. Altogether we treated 151 patients (actually a bit more but some of our papers went missing and some didn’t register). The main problem was symptomatic anaemia which I presumed mainly due to worm infestation since most of the people there were farmers and they walked around barefoot most of the time. It was like election come early and we were overwhelmed by the crowd. There was one boy who had a right lower thigh abscess. We advised him to go to the hospital but he refused. Finally, the father agreed to take him to our residence for an I&D. Towards the end, there was one patient who required a home visit.

I went with Haji Hani and Pak Yus to the old man’s house. The house was partly damaged from the earthquake. The wife was very happy that we came; previously she was one of our patients. She wanted to know what was wrong with her husband. Clinical examination revealed an old man with complete right hemiplegia and hypereflexia, with lower cranial nerves dysfunction. His blood pressure was 220/110 mmHg. There was no murmur heard. We advised the family to take him to a hospital for a better evaluation as we believe he may have suffered a stroke over the left side, but the family was more worried about who to care for him in the hospital as all the children were working outside of Padang, and the wife is too old. I left them with advice on stroke care at home and the wife gave us 3 durians to bring home.

We stopped by lunch at a nearby Nasi Padang stall. Nasi lemak and avocado juice does blend well apparently. After lunch, we made a quick stop to a mattress wholeseller and then went to look for some fabric with nice embroideries. I guess Pak Yas misunderstood what we wanted because he brought us to a shop selling wedding clothes. It was okay though, at least we had a nice look at the traditional clothes and items used for a wedding ceremony. The wedding ceremonies held here are very colourful with yellow and red being a must. The groom would normally be seen paraded by the roadside towards the bride’s house. It would be interesting to actually attend one.

We went home exhausted and most of us slept. I got up to wait for the boy with the right thigh abscess to come. While waiting, there was a loud commotion outside. A man was brought in to our residence with sustained superficial lacerations from his head actively bleeding. Initially we thought that he was a motorcyclist being hit by a car. But after further questioning, it turns out the car only sustained minor damages, but the drivers ended up fighting each other. The assailant hit the victim with some metal object which appeared to be blunt, as the lacerations were not as deep. There were 3 superficial lacerations altogether ranging from 0.5 cm to 2 cm. Unfortunately, we did not have any ATT to jab him in case of tetanus, nor did we have any sutures left to stitch up the lacerations. Luckily, the bleeding stopped as we were rinsing the wound so it was suffice to just cover it. I still wish we had some sutures. Despite the wounds would definitely heal, but I felt like we could have done a better job. We covered him with antibiotics, gave him some pain killers and advised daily dressing at any nearby health facility. The assailant sustained minor cuts and bruises. Did I mention there was a crowd and the police was there too? It felt like a scene from a drama.

Afterwards, we packed our things and ate magi mee for dinner.

To be continued………

Back to civilization......

Finally I am back. Back to my nice comfy bed, the comfort of my home, the familiar furniture, the clean water and back to the normal sounds of KL traffic. And last night, my two babies arrived and I hugged them so hard they almost couldn't breath. How I missed them so much, I've decided to take today off and work from home. At least I am privileged to do so, which was one of the main reasons why I decided to leave government service and run my own joint - so that I get more quality time with my little ones.

I have a million and one things to write about my trip, but as I have a million things to attend to since I just returned, I'll update on that later. I'm just glad I am already home and still in bed with my two angels sleeping peacefully next to me. I skipped my morning jog today because I needed to leave the house early. Just waiting for my frickking maid to arrive. Gees... where is she?

Okay people, signing out. Updates soon to come. Adios.

This is it....... relief mission.........

It has been a hectic week and I think I've donned down too many caffeine and super vitamins that my body can handle. Its finally Saturday, the 14th. My tickets confirmed, my bags are packed, I'm ready to go... or am I?

Passport and money checked... just need to trade in some rupiah before I leave to go to the airport. It is a great change..... despite the fact that I had a caffeine overdose last night...... and ended up sleeping around 2 hours only. I feel like shit but I'll survive... just another cup of latte would do, and perhaps some proper breakfast.

I have to admit, this is a nice change. A funny way of God forcing me to go on vacation from all the hectic happenings of my life. Yes, I've been hurt, I was depressed, my heart crushed, my spirits dampened - being sent for a relief mission perhaps is the one thing that can help me get back on my feet. Going to a place of disaster, seeing people's suffering first hand, and sparing all your energy and brains to help them. What better way to make me forget my petty problems. Other people have more profound issues than I do. I am starting to see why God directed me to go in the first place.

I have always believed that everything that happens around me occurs for some reason. There is no probability of chance. Everything is planned according to God's will, it depends on us how we interpret and make good use of it. Everything that occurs has a reason - every happiness we get, every trouble we encounter, every person we meet. People may not agree with me, but this is how I perceive the world. And I have told myself before that God Almighty is my first lover, and because of this I believe he will protect me from any harm, he will give me strength to do the things I have to do, and as long as I believe it, I can achieve anything he has planned for me to do. No love for a man can ever replace this. Its not even worth it. I'm not saying that I plan to remain single the rest of my life, but I would if that is God's willing.

I'm just praying I come home safe and sound, so that I can kiss and hug my babies again. Its thrilling and exciting and scary at the same time, but God will guide me, I will do great, and my clinic will be good even in my absence, and some good Samaritan will help me overcome my company dilemma, so everything will be just fine. Amen.

Check list............

Its another 3 days before I'm suppose to go one my one week so-called vacation. What astounds me is the fact that they haven't emailed me my flight details and itinerary for the day. I'm starting to wonder whether are they keen to send me off or not. For those who know me well enough, you would also know that I am highly particular about time and travel plans. Oh well, I guess tomorrow I have to call them again because if they want to cancel, I already have a list of clients to schedule in next week.

I am highly exhausted this week. Mentally and emotionally drained its taken a toll on my physique. Its not easy being a young entrepreneur but its not impossible also. And knowing me, challenges are something that keeps my head going. I'd die of boredom if I lived such a normal life. Maybe that's why my life is so dramatic. But I'll get through all this, I mean, at one point I still need to settle down.

I met a friend recently, dealing some important business. I told him about my current check mate situation where I am missing a guarantor to help me out. He asked about a mutual friend of ours, who unfortunately doesn't want to be my friend anymore. Which definitely went out of the question. He was quite shocked that our friendship ended abruptly, we've been such good friends for years. Well, I just brushed it off saying that it was okay, it was the guy's choice, and apparently perhaps he didn't regard me as such a good friend after all. We then touched on other issues and then I had to prepare for another meeting.

Last evening I felt like a truck rammed over me, minus the broken bones. After analyzing the situation, it crossed my mind that could it be emotional stress causing all this exhaustion. Maybe. I guess I'm still hurt from losing a close friend. The funny thing is that I am being reminded of him constantly that in a way it is driving me a bit bonkers really. Because it reminds me of something that I have no control over the outcome which frustrates me so much because I have always been a go-getter. I always believe that if I want something, and I work towards getting it and pray hard enough I will get it, no doubt. But I lost him, despite being extremely patient all the while, despite praying every single night until sometimes I ask God why he made us meet in the first place when our lives did not evolve around each other at all? I guess my heart will never be in peace until I get an answer. I just pray that he made the best decision of his life to exclude me completely out of it. Maybe its for the benefit of both of us. Maybe I should start doing the same?

Its almost 9 and I have a long list of things to do today. I have decided to ignore all the issues related to the heart until I come back from my relief mission. May God give me guidance to settle all my issues.

Cloudy with a chance of meatballs.....

Yesterday after a long long time, I decided to go watch a movie with my kids. I barely go to the movies nowadays. Being a claustrophobic, to sit in a cinema with a bunch of strangers is not really my cup of tea. I always need someone I know to accompany. Lucky I have my two kids and they are old enough to actually watch the movie. So I guess most my viewing activities would be surrounding animated movies and kiddies stuff. I don't really mind, I love cartoons and animation.

Yesterday we went to watch Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. It was an interesting animation about a genius inventor living on an island where the main food is sardines. The animation was nice, the story line was a bit predictable but interesting, and the jokes were hilarious. I didn't watch it as 3D because it was a last minute impromtu decision last night and they only had a normal show.

There was this one character - a weather girl who was extremely smart, but because when she was younger people use to make fun of her as a nerd, that she decided to dress differently and act as if she was not that intelligent. In a way, I could relate to this character. Not just the fact that she's incredibly smart and hot, but also the fact that she gets excited over cute nerds, perhaps almost the same way that I do. A guy can easily woo me off my feet talking about biological processes in cells and cell regeneration or inventions despite being a nerd compared to a guy with a good ride but has a brain the size of a walnut.


When I was younger, I spent my free time reading through encyclopedias and gazing at stars while identifying clusters and planets. I never played with barbie dolls, I was more interested in reading, writing and trying to get in with my two elder siblings, whom I have always regarded as the two smartest people around me. Whilst I lived within my family, everything I was doing appeared normal until I was sent to boarding school. That's when I realized I was so different than other people and it took a few years for my friends to get adjusted to me.

There was a time that I was ashamed of being different, so I started to change my appearance to suit my current circle of friends. I had this 'bimbo' mode that I liked to play about, just to blend in. It was easier to blend in when people think that you are similar to them, but after awhile I got bored of it, and because I find that these are just material friends, not really worth my effort.

But I did love the new look transformation I made. I told myself, I can be smart and look gorgeous at the same time so its not a big deal. It also gives a little bit of camouflage of first impressions.

For those who haven't watched the animated movie, well its a nice movie to watch. Its about being who you are and appreciating your loved ones. Although I did feel a bit nauseated seeing all the foods falling from the sky but that's just me. My favourite part was when it rained ice cream :).

7 days to go.......

Time flies when you are busy..... its now another 7 days till my departure to Padang as a volunteer for the relief mission. I am still waiting for the confirmed tickets which should be in my hands by next week - they already have my scanned passport and brief profile. Its a mixed feeling of excitement and anticipation coupled with fear of the unknown. Furthermore, up to date, I am still the only doctor for the 7th group, or is it the 8th? I've been delaying my participation as long as I could. To many issues with the Company that needed to be dealt with.

I guess anyone going through the things I am going through would be half crazy by now. I could just pray and keep my thoughts positive. Everything happens for a reason, God will help me get through what I need to get through. And I still believe there are good souls out there that would be able to help a hardworking girl like me. Allah is fair, and he promises success to those who work hard to earn it in patience.

7 days in a foreign country, 7 days with strangers. It would be fun, definitely. My only concern is that a second wave of natural disaster to occur which would be too devastating. Let's pray it won't happen. I need to come back in one piece. Too many people depending on my safe return.

Why send myself to a post natural disaster location when I could well go holiday anywhere else in the world? Bali is just a few hours away. Its God's decision actually. I asked for a holiday - and suddenly these MRA people kept calling me asking me to go to Padang. Initially on the 17th, but I postponed to 31st and now 14th. It would be good to aid people who would need all the help they could get. I've even planned to bring some of my children's old clothes to give to the poor kids who are all muddy. Just hope it fits well in my luggage. Maybe I should put them in a separate box so that I can come home lighter. I'll figure out something. Maybe bring some toys too.

I guess it is a good lesson on humility. Going to a place of disaster, offering help to the victims - I will be stripped of all my fancy clothes and make up, my daily freshly brewed latte, and my upmarket office in the middle of a prestigious shopping mall and my high profile clients that I get to address by first name. Instead, I'll be going just as myself - a simple young doctor on a relief mission. Not as an upmarket aesthetic laser specialist.

As to date, the team will consist of one doctor which is me, 2 senior nurses and 2 paramedics. According to hospital hierarchy automatically I will be assigned as the team leader. Unless a more senior doctor joins the team then I can pass the baton to the person. Wish me luck......

Meet Me Halfway

Patience......

When my mum fell sick everyone told me patience....
When my dad remarried everyone told me patience....
When I was thrown out of the house at a mere age of 18 everyone told me patience....
When my mum died everyone told me patience....
When my dad asked me to marry at such an immature state everyone told me patience....
When I went into 12 hours of labour everyone told me patience......
When my baby was diagnosed with Archold Chiari Type II malformation and needed surgery, the same thing everyone told me patience.....
When my mother in law was diagnosed to have breast cancer everyone told me patience...
When she died of it everyone told me patience.....
When my husband didn't live up to his manhood everyone told me patience...
When we fought and he broke my wrist everyone told me patience...
When I went through bitter divorce everyone told me patience....
When I was separated from my babies for more than 6 months everyone told me patience....
When I was left by my investor partner people told me patience....
When I was suddenly told by the man I love he was marrying another woman people told me patience....
When I keep getting rejected for loans to help my business, people say patience...
When I am forced to live 3-4 months without a proper salary people say patience...

Sometimes I do wonder where has patience brought me?
Nevertheless, over the years I've become a real strong willed woman....
However sometimes I just wish life was a lot simpler for me than how it is.....
That God will stop making me go through these painful experiences....
Although I know its a sign that God loves me....
Because God tests his servants he care about.... and that we as the servant do have the capability to overcome whatever he puts in front of us, as long as we believe.

But sometimes I do wonder what is the point of putting everything I want in front of my face.....
Make me work extremely hard for it....
And then take it away.....
Only to have me worry constantly.....
Although I do believe God will aid me when I am out of ideas to help myself.

I guess I'm just down...
And I just seriously need to get myself back on my feet...
Because if I remain sad internally..
My whole world is going to collapse around me....
Whether I like it or not......

Its hard being a Libra....
The strongest and weakest point is the heart...
When you are in love... you feel like you can conquer the world...
But when that love is taken from you.....
Sometimes you just feel like life is not worth living...
And then your whole world starts collapsing around you....

But God didn't put me through living hell to give up so easily....
And I swore to myself before that no man will ever bring me down...
And I am always a lady of my word...
No matter how hard it seems....
I just have to keep patient and trudge on....
There is always a great reward at the end of it....

Purely fiction.......

It was raining again. "Oh damn, I forgot my umbrella again..." Amy muttered to herself. Looks like another long day at the book store, she mused. She was a regular there, always looking for a new book to read. It was a past time that she found miraculously relieving compared to her day to day work at the university.

Running her fingers through the volumes of books on psychology, she glanced up to see a nice leather bound book on the top most shelf that caught her eye. "Ah, that looks interesting'" she muttered to herself. She tiptoes carefully to reach for the book but it was simply out of her reach. "Why am I so short....?,"she muttered under her breath.

"Need help?," Amy was startled. She spun round, almost hitting the tall lanky guy almost right behind her. "Err... sure," she replied bashfully. He was quite a tall guy, a head and shoulders above Amy's modest 5 feet 4 inches. He grinned at Amy as he passed her the book. "Hi, I'm Richard," he said.

Amy thanked him for the book. "Thanks, I guess I need more than 3 inch heels," she grinned. Idiot... is that all I could think of to say? she thought to herself.

"Well, I better be off now. Rain stopped," He pointed to the shop window. "Nice to meet you."

And then he left. Anonymous Mr Richard. Amy watched as he walked out of the store. He wasn't extremely handsome but there was this charming attraction about him and his boyish smile. And that British accent, oh my. Amy was smitten. Who was this stranger in the bookstore, she wondered. Amy muttered a goodbye and managed a bleak smile. Silently she cursed herself for only able to utter few monosyllables around Mr Richard.


To be continued.....

Everyone perceives the world differently.....

The most common comment I'm getting nowadays is... "You lost weight!". Technically, I do admit I did shed a few pounds, not so much to be so significant, but perhaps everyone is just being nice to me because I'm not my usual chirpy self. Or maybe I look so sunken that gives a false impression of me being thinner. Regardless, people are just people. They are free to have their own opinion as do I.

Which is why I get so pissed off when people try to advise me on relationships. Its not that they are all wrong, but they forget that me being an individual have different ways of coping. Yeah, perhaps my lack of appetite and dry mood raises a few concerns, but I will definitely sort out the things in my head, my way. I have a good insight to my problems, which I do not necessarily have to share with the whole world.

A lot of friends tell me to just forget whatever heartbreaks in the past and someone new will come and ease the pain. Well, easier said than done. With me, it may happen, it may not. The most recent heart break was in a way traumatizing, that I think my appetite for men has dampened greatly. I just told my close friends, don't keep telling me to forget because its not how I cope. And it'll take a while, maybe a year, maybe 2, maybe 5 or 10 - depends on how long God wish to torture me with a life of solitude. But He has his reasons, I'm still trying to comprehend what was the lesson to learnt. Maybe because I don't get it which makes my heart so tormented.

I sometimes envy my married friends because at least they have someone to hug and hold them when they are upset, someone to share things with and make memories with. Most people tell me to go out and get a rebound boyfriend, but like I said, I am different. Its not that easy to get into my personal life, to be a guy that I can trust enough that I would allow him to hold me. To me, its meaningless to hug a guy that does not hold any value to me, let alone sleep with one. To reach that level of trust, it would take a while. To allow that sort of trust again, oh boy, its really going to take a while.

It is really going to take awhile for me to recover from what ails my heart. Its not as easy as some other people because I take relationships seriously and like I said, I am extremely choosy. Although people say I need someone to be with me, but it just can't be anyone. And besides, if most people say something, its not necessarily true. I know myself, I know who I am and what I want in life and what I look for in a life partner. There are many layers of me that is invisible to the naked eye, and only the right person will be able to unravel those mysteries.

I am just human after all. Yesterday, again I cried myself to sleep because I missed my friend and still can't understand why things happen as it is happening now. Sometimes I do wonder how long would this go on.... its contributing to some unsightly eye bags under the eyes which I can't really afford to have, not in this industry. Oh well, only God knows.....

Its A New Month......................

Its a new month... November. A very interesting month. Funny, when I think of November, I keep remembering a big bonfire and Guy Fox.... its a Scottish tradition I think... when I was growing up in Scotland. Every November we would have a Guy Fox celebration, where we'd make a hay man in class, and on the 5th of November throw him into a big bonfire. It had something to do with executing traitors I think - but it was an interesting celebration to see, especially in the cold Autumn air. Yes, I miss living in Europe although I've been away for more than 20 years. Perhaps I shall return to live there in a few more years, but only time and God will tell. I miss the changing seasons,Malaysia to me is a bit too hot to my liking.

Its a start of a new month and I always believe that a new month hails new luck and opportunities. I'm praying hard for all the help I can get. Its not easy being a young naive girl in the big corporate world. Trying to keep myself afloat as well as expanding my horizons is not so easy. But I'll get through. God will help because I believe it.

Its going to be a real hectic month. Clients are increasing which is good. I need to do another round of debt negotiating and that is highly stressful. Still in negotiations to secure external funds for the Company. On top of that - trying to keep myself afloat. Another month like this, I'd be getting permanent natural highlights soon. Plus, I need to prepare to go off to Padang on the 14th for the relief mission, I'm really praying that no more earth quakes when I'm there.

But its not all that bad. A good friend of mine called just now to inform progress on our little secret project. Fastidious she definitely is, for she's even come out with concept slides. Salute to you my friend, I will definitely work hard on my side too. This morning also I received 2 separate calls concerning potential financial assistance which hopefully would materialize. And my Aussie friend called me all the way from Australia because I've been really quiet lately and he missed me. Plus his friend is coming down and wanted supplies of some specific traditional remedy to market in Australia that I happen to be friends with one of the manufacturers.

Last weekend, I was alone. One of my oldest best friends came over with her son and I whipped up a nice tomato sauce marinara spaghetti. I even made dinner rolls.. but it came out a bit hard - perhaps because I didn't knead it in enough, or maybe because i reduced the yeast. Its a first time, so I won't kill myself over it. Am actually thinking of alternatives to the common food I buy everyday - who knows I want to retreat to a quite cabin somewhere where all forms of instant foods are difficult to come by. Wistful thinking.....

Well we had a wonderful pasta lunch, coupled with sparkling red grape juice. But I guess in my heart I was thinking, wouldn't it be nice to have a guy to pamper all day on my off day? It was a pleasure on my part, therapeutic in many sense, a wonderful experience for that lucky guy. But I know myself, it can't be any guy, it has to be a guy I'm comfortable with and I love. Then after lunch cuddle up on my super comfy sofa and watch a movie or something... I miss having those peaceful cuddle up days. Its good for the soul, you feel loved.

Despite my so called complicated work, complicated background, I realize that now I am a very simple person. I can make do with whatever I have, I have no lust for shiny blings, and all I want most is to have a simple life and be happy. Insya Allah, I will achieve that simple life of happiness that I crave. Sometimes you get tired with all the bustling activities around you, you just want to take everything a day at a time. I wonder will will I ever really settle down.

Am I jinxed?

It has been a very testing month for me despite October being my most favorite month.
God is certainly testing my patience and at some point I begin to question why? I know its blashphemous but I am just human. Being human too means that I have my limitations.

Its been a very exhausting and emotionally draining month for me. I seem to be losing so many things in the past month. I lost some money, I lost my phone, I lost the guy I love who happens to be a close friend so I've lost a friend too and now I lost one of my most prized assets just because of some mix up. It'll settle on Monday hopefully.

On top of that, I'm still juggling negotiations to secure external funds for my business and this month has proved to be such a disappointment. Not to mention me falling sick with a stuffy nose and a super husky voice for the past 3 days. Not even my super vitamins can keep ailments at bay. My God, sometimes I feel like I'm jinxed.

Yesterday I came home late. I was listening to Alicia Keys on the radio, "Some people want diamond rings, some just want everything, but everything means nothing, if I ain't got you......" Suddenly I realized tears were dripping down my cheeks. I guess I still miss my close friend who actually broke my heart, not because he decided to marry another woman, but rather because he decided not to be friends with me anymore. I just felt so sad to have to forget a person that I have known so well, for the past two years, someone who share his future ideations and opinions with me, so suddenly. Its a bit impossible to grasp why. Although I know that its not my choice to make, but sometimes I do wonder whether was it any of my fault that contributed to all this? The lack of explanations leaves so many question marks. Despite everybody telling me to shake it off and that he is an asshole and a jerk for treating me this way, and that he doesn't deserve my friendship and that karma will get back at him - oh well, anyone who really knew me would know that I only see the goodness in people.

So I went home today, whipped up a quick dinner for Nabilah to take away, and watched Oprah on the telly. I've always loved Oprah because she's such a power lady and I often told myself that when I grow up I want to be just like her. Well, I am gaining bits and pieces of it - I understand people well, I can communicate and listen well, I love kids and animals, I get involved in humanitarian work, I support breast cancer awareness, I support women organizations, and I try my best to help other people. Watching her show today lifted my spirits a bit. So I decided to send a thank you email to Oprah today. I wonder whether I'll get a reply.

Well its another weekend alone at home. The current events has forced me to stay home this weekend. Oh well, on the good side, perhaps I'll get that much needed rest I've been postponing.

2 weeks to go......

Its another hectic week in the clinic as we race towards hitting our sales target. I think I've gotten most of myself back. Juggling between clinic work and my side jobs, business networking negotiations and my kids it looks like I have a lot on my plate already.

I received a call yesterday asking my confirmation to join the relief mission in Padang. There was still a lot of things to do to help the injured and sooth the people after the earth quake. I have postponed the trip to the very last mission, so I guess I'll be packing my bags and going on the 14th till 21st. No, its not because I was frustrated that I signed up for a relief mission - I may be a drama queen at times, but even that sounds too dramatic for me. I have been with this organization since my houseman days, contributing my knowledge, energy and time because initially there were too few doctors on board. Everyone was too excited to join MERCY. I decided to go with the smaller fish and contribute more. It was more fulfilling. Yes, maybe we lack the glamour, but humanitarian work is not about being in the spotlight. Its more of helping people in need. And being a doctor, I believe that my services are not just for what I do in the day to day basis, but also in times of emergency like this. Although this is the first time I am able to join oversea expedites. Previously I was either strung with calls or was in no shape to travel due to child birth and lactating. I just pray that there will be no more earth quakes, especially when I am there. It would be a disaster to be stranded in another country with natural disasters around you. Perhaps tomorrow is a test of my knowledge since I'll be taking care of Al-Islam ED for one day for Dr Azwan. I wonder how he is faring in Padang?

To all my friends, pray for my safety and my return. To anyone that I wronged or may have harboured any ill feelings towards me due to any of my words or actions, forgive me, in case I don't come back. I'm putting my faith in God to guide me while I am there. I will definitely miss my two angels and will definitely try to return safely as I went.

I have yet to break the news to my dad. I did hinted once, he was quite reluctant. Well, hopefully I get my blackberry before I go. Then at least he can text me everyday if he worries.

Just another 2 weeks and I'll be on a plane to Padang where a natural disaster has just occurred. I guess its worst than going for Haj or Umrah, I'll be exposed to a million and one types of illness and diseases, which I pray I have enough strength to overcome. Luckily lodging and food is provided but being a person with a fairly sensitive stomach I better get my own medic kit ready before I go.

Its late, I have to go home already. Praying for a better tomorrow. I guess nowadays that is what I spend most of my free time with. Praying to God to heal my heart, praying to God to guide me, praying to God to give me strength to solve my problems, and praying to God to remain as one of his loyal subjects.

Oh.. I need to contact my insurance agent before I go... just in case.

Perspectives.....

I have kept myself very busy lately with a lot of external activities from my clinic. Partly was because I am bracing myself for yet another month of minimal salary just to purge my business through, partly due to the recent events that has caused myself a lot of emotional stress.

God is fair, I remind myself everyday. In the absence of my full payroll, he has given chance to other sources of income to help me get through the month. I now find myself sitting as a private consultant on beautician training panel for the country, offering my expertise as an aesthetic doctor as well as my experience in government works. We are working up a new syllabus for beauticians, and since I'm already in, they have to call me in for each and every discussion. Tiring, but at least I know that I am doing all I can to sustain my family, besides contributing to the nation. This Wednesday I will be helping out my friend Dr Azwan as a full day locum at Hospital Al-Islam in Kampung Baru. I have never really been involved in ED work, although I spent a lot of time there during my specialty calls. The pay is not as much as consulting work but at least I get to brush up on my clinical and emergency skills, just pray that I'm not as Jonah there than when I was working full time in the government. Yet, you never know. As my sister always say, " With Adik there is never a dull moment."

Last weekend, I was involved with NOSS meeting for 2 days finishing on Saturday night at around 8. I had room reservations in Genting on Saturday night because I promised my best friend Farah to join her at the peak. I reached home at 9.30pm, tired as hell. My kids were waiting expectantly for me to return. I really just wanted to go up and sleep, but it was their weekend with me, I felt I owed them some private time. So by 10pm, I packed everyone into the car, left my maid at home alone and drove to the nearby convenient store to stock up on some supplies. I started my journey at 10.30 pm, and reached the top 10 minutes after 11. The whole Genting was packed with people, that parking was crazy. Aina looked at me and said "Wow, so many people, no wonder KL is empty. They are all up here." We shared a room with Farah and her hubby and son. Managed to get 2 hours of sleep, and the next day, I took my babies on the indoor rides. It was all fogged up outside. It was exhausting but fun, I'll upload the pictures into facebook later.

We drove down at 5 and reached KL before 6. I was really craving for my coffee already. My angels were asleep already and I had no radio (I left it in Farah's car). We reached home and I fell asleep until almost 8, when my girls came jumping on the bed. "Mummy, we're hungry."

Groggy from exhaustion and lack of sleep, I quickly showered, do my prayers, and pack all my kids into the car. Both wanted Chili's, so we went to KLCC for dinner. Its been a long time since I had both of them for Chilli's. They loved it, definitely.

Despite spending only 24+ hours with Aina, we talked more this time. She was telling me about having to follow her dad and family to Nilai 3 to look for bunga telur. I asked her casually when the big day is, but her father never told her the precise date. She kept asking whether she could come live with me if her dad got married. Being as diplomatic as I could, I told her it was her call and that is something she must discuss with her father and only if he agrees, then I'll talk to him about it. Its not that I don't want my daughter to live with me, but the pain of going up and down court for 2 years and having to separate them at the end was still fresh. Plus, I have agreed that Aina was my ex-'s responsibility, so he should make the call not me.

She also broached the subject of her dad telling her to call his new wife 'Mami'. The problem is, both my kids call me Mama and Mummy - depending on their mood. She doesn't want to call her 'Mami' because to her, she already has a mum which is me. I told her to discuss it with her dad, try to come to a proper consensus. Inside, I was cursing my ex with so many different languages. Could he at least be a bit more sensitive to my child's feelings? Aina is already 7, she is not dumb. The least you can do is to tell her nicely that you are remarrying, discuss with her that there will be a new woman living in the house, and ask her what she feels suitable for her to call the new lady, and negotiate intelligently. She's a child, not a pet. Don't treat her as if she doesn't understand what's going on. Nabilah is different because she is young and still unable to grasp the events happening.

In this situation, I completely differ from a lot of other people. If it was me marrying again, I told Aina simply, I wouldn't tell you what you should call my husband. You would have to decide, based on what you are comfortable with as long as it is a respectful nickname. My father never imposed on us to call his wife mum. We all call her Lela and she is happier at that.

My concept is very simple. I realize I am a woman with 2 children. Despite whatever I do, they will always be my children with my ex-husband. If a guy were smart enough to want me to be their companion in life, I wouldn't impose to him to be father to my 2 existing daughters. Instant fatherhood is stressful especially when they are not of your own. I won't expect the guy to do anything for my kids. I would cater for them myself as I have already done all this while. If he wants to be a father, then by all means, yeah let's start producing some of our own. I am highly fertile. If he feels that he wants to treat my children as his own daughters, by all means. But its okay if he just wants to be like an uncle. I'm confident I can do this because I don't really need a man in the first place. I'm well equipped to trudge along on my own. The only thing a man can add to my life is sex and more kids, if he wants to. Companionship is a bonus.

I know a lot of people may not agree on my opinion, but there is nothing in the Holy Book that says if your dad remarries you have to call his wife 'mother'. That is all culture. I will not be a lesser person if I do not uphold certain cultures. But that is just me, unique.

Birthday 2009 Wrap Up........

Its another birthday, another year, yet I still feel 18. Okay perhaps this year I aged a bit so 21. Its a quiet birthday this year, unlike the years prior. But quiet as it seems, I still received 3 cakes on my birthday, a minimum quota for every year.

The reason for the lack of enthusiasm for celebrating the most important day of my life has a lot to do with the internal frustrations I face everyday related to the Company. Sometimes I feel that I've tried my best, but there are times I feel like I'm not doing enough.Its frustrating when people promise you pearls and diamonds but gives dust instead, its highly stressful when you need to renegotiate everything under the sun. I guess for the average person, you would easily succumb into depression and give up.

I think I was going through a phase of depression for the past 3 months now. Getting out of bed was becoming a more difficult task day by day. I just have to keep telling myself that I won't accomplish anything lying down. And to top all the unfortunate events, I lose the one guy that could make me smile even if my whole world was collapsing around me. Crazy as it seems, his actions actually pushed me into a better perspective. I feel more down to earth, facing reality as how it is and not how I want it to be. Painful, but a lesson important to learn. With a heart bruised, I guess I succumb myself more deeply into my work which is now my first and utmost priority. At least I need not worry about other distractions for the moment.

Every night I pray for guidance from God, guidance to settle the issues surrounding the Company because I fear I may not have the stamina to trudge on anymore, guidance to reorganize my life, guidance to my heart. Sometimes I wonder which ails me more, the Company issues, or the internal issues. Regardless, I pray everything settles as it should, so that I can continue with whatever God has planned for me to do in this world.

Its my birthday, I should rejoice that God still allows me to walk this world with good health. The month is not over yet, let's pray for good things to come.

2009 Birthday Resolution

In view of another completed year that God has granted me this life, it is an honour to be who I am now, as God has made me in all His greatness, that I would pledge to the following:

1. Be a better Muslim for the year to come and keep God as my first and foremost lover.
2. Take good care of myself - in terms of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health.
3. I will work hard for the success of my business and expansion of the Company.
4. I will not neglect my studies and will strive to improve my knowledge and skill.
5. I will not neglect my medical knowledge and will serve the society in any way possible when needed.
6. I will manage my finances better this year and avoid unnecessary spending and handle my debts wisely.
7. I will love and respect my dad because I only have one parent left in the world, and so I should be kind and gentle to him despite whatever transpired before.
8. I will be a better mum to both my children.
9. I will be a better friend to all that regards me as their friend.
10. I will not let a guy trample on my self confidence ever, nor will I bare my heart to be thrashed by a man ever again. If God wills it that a guy should be interested to be committed to me, then pray he has the patience to accept me as how I am. No more Miss Nice Girl.

Happy birthday to me a.k.a Manja a.k.a Maroqx a.k.a Meira a.k.a Marr a.k.a bad grunge girl with the good attitude but bad reputation. Forever 18.

Eve of my birthday............

It is the eve of my birthday and I have just returned from a nice coffee and cake treat courtesy of Miss Haze.... Thanks babe... first cake and birthday song for the year. Really appreciate it.

Prior to that I was in Bukit Kiara cemetery paying homage to my late mother. It is my 10th birthday without her and as the years goes by, it doesn't seem to be any easier for me. I told her about the things happening in my life, the good things, the upsetting stuff, well I know some may think its blasphemous to talk to a tombstone, but its where I feel her closest, and somehow I believe she does listen - perhaps not as bothered. I really missed her so much, just 29 years ago I was still in her womb just about to come out the next day. I felt like a little child once more, hugging a memory that is so old. I still remember how she smiled, her voice, her style, her cooking. I remembered the time when she was sick, and the time I was called to the hospital at 5 am where she expired. The look on her face as I bathed her and kissed her forehead the very last time before escorting her body to the cemetery. Its been almost 10 years, but the memory is still so vivid, it felt like yesterday. I wept. I wished I could still hug and kiss her, and tell her how much I loved her - but I knew that it was already her time, so God must take her. Because she was taken from me, which is what made me stronger, if not I'd still be a spoilt rich brat. Perhaps my life would have been so much different?

Despite all the wistful thinking, I think if given a chance, I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't be who I am now if not for the things that happened in the past. Everything that happened, happened for a reason. It is up to ourselves to learn and understand what God wanted us to learn.

It will be my birthday soon, a start of a new year for my life. I get so excited going through each and every one because I know with every birthday, there is renewed confidence, renewed love and renewed character. I'm a better person every time my birthday comes around and I'm proud of being who I am. It is an incredible milestone compared to years before.

Thinking back compared to last year, despite the lack of crazy festivities, I think I have grown a bit wiser than last year and overall I am a lot happier than before. Yes, I may have broken my heart on a guy who took me for granted, but honestly, I'm really cool about it now. I have my closure, despite not able to meet him face to face, but I suddenly realized that God have better things installed for me in life, to waste my time on a man who doesn't even realize half my worth. Only an idiot would turn down a wonderful, beautiful, successful, sexy and intelligent woman like me. God loves me enough to not let me be owned by a man who would not be able to appreciate the goodness in me. The right one will come definitely. Lets see where the story goes.....

So sleepy... need to take my beauty sleep..... tomorrow is the most important day of the year. My birthday.

Daddy... you are always the best......

I have been feeling really down lately but perhaps now I think I've gotten through most of it. If some may have noticed, I have deleted a few of my blog postings which I think were a bit inappropriate after an after thought. Sorry for those who felt insulted by any of my writings. I am moody after all.

Today is a start of a new week and I'm trudging every day as it goes. So many unresolved issues related to my business actually driving me up the wall. My recent frustration actually jacked up my stress level to the max. Its not easy, being me, but I know I'll pull through, God promised that, and I believe it.

So today I suddenly had the urge to have coffee with my dad. I missed him actually, its been two weeks since our last encounter. It started as our usual meetings where I would brief the company's progress, since he is after all the current chairman. I told him about my intention of adding an investor partner to hold maximum 20% to allow more room for enhancement. He agreed but strictly reminding me not to be conned again by lame promises. I just smiled. He worries about me constantly. Then we moved on to other dealings of business. And then finally to more personal topics.

WE talked about my youngest sister and I apologized to him for making him having to send her all the way to Malacca the last time. He said it was okay, but she did cross the line so she understood. He worries about my health, but if happy that I shed of a few pounds. "You look better now, except those eye bags. Do get more rest".

I asked him whether he knew about my personal frustrations. Well obviously, since my sister tells him everything. "I won't ask you about your personal relationships Adik. I know about what happened, but you're a big girl. You know how to handle it. Its normal to be sad, its human nature, but after awhile you'll be okay. Its just that I don't like people treating my daughter that way. You deserve better. Besides, you have more important things to think about. Focus on stabilizing your business." Well, its nice to hear kind words from my dad. I guess I needed to hear it from him too. I just told him that if God wills it to be then it will be, if not, then I'll just have to wait for another. Besides, if a guy can't realize how good I am for him, perhaps he is not meant for me after all.

I promised myself long ago that I will not let any man bring me down. I also have a deal with my dad that if any serious suitors come around, they'll have to be interviewed and grilled by him first before anything. Oh well, its a long way to go.

Right now I have a renewed confidence of getting my company into full throttle. Hopefully tomorrow harbours a better outcome to the question sin my head. Amen.

2009 Birthday Wish List......

Its just around the corner.... As usual my birthday celebrating mood is on roll. Today was Kay's birthday and we had a nice cake and I treated her to a complete make-up makeover with products. Compliments to Ismi for doing a really great job.

So this years wish list:

1. A new set of wheels - (Maybe next year)
2. Blackberry Bold - lalalalala
3. Chanel Allure EDT
4. Accessories.... bangles, necklaces etc..
5. New pair of crocs..
6. A nice spa getaway
7. A nice top that isn't black.
8. Make-up from MAC or Lancome
9. New heels.
10. Anything from Bodyshop or Loccitane - so crazy about natural products.
11. A nice romantic dinner
12. A hooting all girls party
13. A vacation
14. Green tea ice cream treat
15. Vanilla scented candles
16. A cat women suit :P
17. Wii fitness
18. Sony P series mini notebook
19. LCD TV to link up to my Wii
20. A guy to love me for the wonderful person I am. (Not that I'm desperate for one)

Oh well... I think this year's list is a bit easier than last years. Oh I do welcome any chocolates, flowers and soft teddies.

Musings....

I met up with a few friends today discussing potential future business opportunities and exchanging contacts. Usually when girls get together, the common question I get asked is about men.

"Mar, why don't you go and tackle a nice rich Dato'. You are young, attractive, smart and sophisticated. I can introduce you to some." I just smiled. Its not the first time someone asked me that question. She kept on saying how much money you can make, things you can get. Oh well, everyone has their own opinion to what they perceive of happiness.

I told her frankly, it is not about the money. For me, its more of the companionship. Love, wealth and fortune are things you need to put some effort in. Marriage is not suppose to be a quick lottery ticket to wealth, although many women wish they marry a rich and stable man so that their life would be easy. Well, sometimes I wish my thinking was that simple, but being me, as how God has created me, I just can't go with a guy for the sake of money.

I always believe that there is enough wealth to go around and if you ask God for some of his wealth he will grant it to you if you've worked hard enough. I proved that in a way by obtaining my prestige clinic in Starhill. I prayed day and night for God to help me obtain it, and now it is almost completely mine. Just a little more effort.

When it comes to men, well I am extremely picky. Not really for my sake, but rather theirs. I will never broach any subject of a relationship unless I am pretty sure I can be a good companion to him. Similarly, I don't tell a guy I want to be his wife unless I am pretty confident that I can do a good job and that I won't run astray. I did a mistake once accepting a guy's proposal of marriage only after 3 months of getting to know the person well, and then broke his heart. He did a mistake of proposing on my birthday since I wanted a birthday gift regardless whether it was a proposal gift for marriage. Unfortunately, the ring went missing one day, which was a sign that the relationship was not going to last anyway. I reevaluated the situation and I realized I couldn't be a good wife to him regardless of how much I try to negotiate the situation. He's still mad at me perhaps, but its for his benefit. I told him straight to his face that if I did marry him, the marriage won't even last 2 years, and I do not plan to get divorced a second time. Life is too short to go through the heart break twice.

I received a few calls from close friends and family worried about my recent distress. A lot of comments were given including pretty nasty words about the guy in question. For the record, we were never an item. I liked him and he knows it, he likes me as a friend but we haven't decided to take on a serious relationship despite 2 years gone by and despite how much I may be in love with him. Yeah, some argue saying that he knew I liked him and that he should have been honest to begin with but like I said, we were not an item, so being a guy he doesn't feel obliged to share any heart related information with me (although I did have a strong feeling from the beginning). Its not that I am making excuses for him, but this is something that he has to decide for himself.

If I were in his shoes, I'd be terribly confused. God puts two beautiful women in front of you and asks you to choose. Do you want a woman who is incredibly capable and talented and loves you for you but have other external issues surrounding her or would you go for the woman you had a long history with and your heart still aches for despite her short comings but refused your proposal before? Both have their strengths and weaknesses. It is not an easy decision. I guess this is God's test to him. I just pray he makes the right decision for his happiness. So lay off the harmful comments, it is a very difficult decision to make.

Besides, it is a process he needs to go through. God is All-knowing. I think I am beginning to understand why this situation transpired. It is to give him a chance to think and decide. Because if he didn't decide, he will never be happy. If I entered a relationship with him whilst his heart still misses another woman and he hasn't decided to close that chapter, he will never be able to love me fully and he may suddenly run back to her even if we were married. Similarly, if he chose to marry his long-time lover without deciding what to do with me, there would be a possibility of him running back into my arms for comfort when things are not as rosy. It is good for him to decide and make a stand. I have a feeling, he is still contemplating whether he has made the right move for the right reasons or not. Oh well, let him be. It is between himself and God. All I can do is pray that God guides him to grant him his happiness since he wanted me to pray for his happiness. Although I may be hurt by his decision, but out of love for him, as I have told him before, if it is God's will that he should choose another and will be happy with her, then by all means I would have to accept. Even though I know that I would be excellent for him, but it is up to him and God to decide. All I can do is pray for both our sakes, the best for both of us.

It is a hectic month and by the end of it I have a high possibility of being sent for relief mission since its almost my turn now. For the matters of the heart, I am leaving it to God's hands. Hopefully he has mercy on both of us. Amen.

I'm fine thank you.....

I guess my last blog post touched too many hearts. Thank you for those who called and texted me to see whether I was okay or not. Thank you also for those who took the time to spend some time with me during the weekend. I really appreciate the gestures given, it shows how many good friends around me who care. Yes, indeed I am a lucky girl.

I think I'm okay now, which actually translates to able to function normally on a day to day basis. Emotionally hurt, spiritually my faith in God will guide me to do what's best. I find myself asking God everyday why must it come to this, what was the lesson being taught to me now? Its okay. God is fair, things will turn out how it is suppose to be.

In my desperation, I rekindled an old habit of long walks in the mornings. It was a habit inculcated during the years my late grandmother use to live with us in Taman Tun. She use to wake me at 5-6 am and take long strolls around the playground in front of Taman Zaaba. We would do up to 10 rounds or until the Subuh prayer calling was heard, and we'd go in, shower and pray together. I usually fall back to sleep, but sometimes I would stay up and prepare breakfast for the family. When I take my early morning walks - usually about 6-7, sometimes I think of her. I miss her a lot, the stories, the advices and her matriarch demeanor. Unfortunately, the last encounter before she left the world wasn't as sweet as I wanted it to be because we were in a dispute since she did not agree on the way I dressed. Being a teenager at that time, I was rebellious. But I do regret not able to ask for forgiveness before she left, I have yet to pay homage to her grave and its been 10 years.

A year later, my mum joined her. Speaking of my late mother, it was her birthday last Sunday. I was having my time of the month so I couldn't visit her. But that Sunday I felt her presence in the house, it was a sooth and calming feeling and it help me sleep better. I got up at 6.00am feeling fresh. I have to make a quick stop to her grave sometime this week. My schedule is too packed. My usual trademark if I visit - 3 perfect roses. We both shared a passion for flowers.

People usually take for granted the important people in their lives until they are gone. Sometimes I do wonder if I go, will there be many who will miss me?

I am hurting... who am I kidding.....?

Every morning when I get out of bed I will look in the mirror and tell myself that I am a wonderful person. Not because I really needed to hear it, its just a practice to remind me of who I am. Life has been very promising this past two years despite many hurdles but I guess I am seeing the light of it.

Perhaps its true what people say when you are in love. The world is perceived differently. You feel happy for having that love feeling in you which radiates to your face and smile and infects the people around you. Yes, I could not deny, I believe I have been strucked by love, which has made my life more beautiful.

However, I was told that the object of my infatuation is now planning to move on with another beau. My reaction? Being the diplomat I always were, I congratulated him on his decision and was really happy for him, maybe for the first few hours until I begin to realize what this will lead to. Then the tears started pouring. Being in my office, I had to control my composure. Furthermore, my father had requested my attendance to one of his functions and I did not want to humiliate him by turning up a mess. I sucked in a deep breath, dabbed some make-up on and drove to Royal Chulan for the Hari Raya celebration. Nabilah was there and I was entertaining her with food and balloons. As for myself, 2 oysters and some salmon sashimi and a plate of fruit and that was my last meal till now.

I went home and Nabilah's dad came round to pick her up. And then I was alone. Midsomer Murders was playing on the telly, I love that show. Sitting alone in the quiet serene environment of my living room, suddenly I felt a gush of tears and soon I guess I cried a river. It came to me as such a surprise, I felt so empty. I've never felt that way before. I spent the whole night trying to sleep but truthfully I only slept 30 minutes. I was really upset. I was somewhat confused to why I was reacting this way. I never thought a man could affect me so much. I guess there is a first time for something.

When sleep failed I went down to watch the telly at 4 am. I thought I was done with tears, but I ended up crying another river. My chest hurt. Just felt like something was breaking inside. I tried to reason myself and calm myself down. I was so thankful that my kids were not with me this weekend. Even my dad would have cried if he saw me in this sorry state. But I guess I was just human. Thank goodness for the solitary weekends that I make for myself. I felt ashamed for my own behaviour.

I got up and took a shower at 5 am. Tried to sleep but still no avail. At 7, I decided to go jogging. I drove to Taman TAR and started to track uphill. I haven't done the course in so long, my lungs felt like exploding. But it was a nice change to see dawn and the serene morning. After jogging, I decided to go to a friends house for breakfast but ended up drinking only Milo. The pancakes looked nice but I felt nauseated and didn't want to eat. After a few hours, I returned home and slept for 2 hours until the phone rang. Then I got up and went to work. I lost 3 kg overnight. Funny.

What bothers me is why did I react so badly to this news. Men come and go. If he's suppose to stay he would, I tell myself. Perhaps the 2 year friendship and year of courting had made my hopes go high. I cannot deny how much I loved this particular man. He was exactly what I asked for from God after I divorced my husband. Every single detail fitting each and every criteria. Including some of the things I didn't quite like but was necessary to keep me in line. The one and only man that I would have done anything for. But even from the start I told myself that I would readily accept if he chose someone else over me. It was unconditional love - which to me meant whatever makes the guy happy. I would sacrifice my own happiness just for him to get whatever he wants. I just hope he made the right choice. Its no point sacrificing for someone if they are not happy of the end result. But it was his choice to make. I could only render my services as a good friend to be here for him if he needed me.

I don't know whether I would ever love a man as much as I loved him. He feels like my missing half, the part of me that I only just found, and now he's going away. It took me 27 years to find a man that can match my wit and character, and now he chooses to be with someone else. Sometimes I feel like asking him, so what about our friendship? Does it not mean anything to you? The time we spent, the things we shared, the memories? But knowing him, I will never get an answer. Knowing him also, his decision was a bit too rash. But it is not for me to question. Deep inside, I believe he is my soulmate but soulmates don't necessarily marry each other.

Although I try to put a good front, my internal self is in agony. The balance has been disturbed, and it will take time to restore it. I do wonder how long my body wishes to retaliate food and rest. I hope not for long, I can't afford to be sick. I have too many things to do. For now I am keeping my heart with God, he knows whats best for me.