I am hurting... who am I kidding.....?

Every morning when I get out of bed I will look in the mirror and tell myself that I am a wonderful person. Not because I really needed to hear it, its just a practice to remind me of who I am. Life has been very promising this past two years despite many hurdles but I guess I am seeing the light of it.

Perhaps its true what people say when you are in love. The world is perceived differently. You feel happy for having that love feeling in you which radiates to your face and smile and infects the people around you. Yes, I could not deny, I believe I have been strucked by love, which has made my life more beautiful.

However, I was told that the object of my infatuation is now planning to move on with another beau. My reaction? Being the diplomat I always were, I congratulated him on his decision and was really happy for him, maybe for the first few hours until I begin to realize what this will lead to. Then the tears started pouring. Being in my office, I had to control my composure. Furthermore, my father had requested my attendance to one of his functions and I did not want to humiliate him by turning up a mess. I sucked in a deep breath, dabbed some make-up on and drove to Royal Chulan for the Hari Raya celebration. Nabilah was there and I was entertaining her with food and balloons. As for myself, 2 oysters and some salmon sashimi and a plate of fruit and that was my last meal till now.

I went home and Nabilah's dad came round to pick her up. And then I was alone. Midsomer Murders was playing on the telly, I love that show. Sitting alone in the quiet serene environment of my living room, suddenly I felt a gush of tears and soon I guess I cried a river. It came to me as such a surprise, I felt so empty. I've never felt that way before. I spent the whole night trying to sleep but truthfully I only slept 30 minutes. I was really upset. I was somewhat confused to why I was reacting this way. I never thought a man could affect me so much. I guess there is a first time for something.

When sleep failed I went down to watch the telly at 4 am. I thought I was done with tears, but I ended up crying another river. My chest hurt. Just felt like something was breaking inside. I tried to reason myself and calm myself down. I was so thankful that my kids were not with me this weekend. Even my dad would have cried if he saw me in this sorry state. But I guess I was just human. Thank goodness for the solitary weekends that I make for myself. I felt ashamed for my own behaviour.

I got up and took a shower at 5 am. Tried to sleep but still no avail. At 7, I decided to go jogging. I drove to Taman TAR and started to track uphill. I haven't done the course in so long, my lungs felt like exploding. But it was a nice change to see dawn and the serene morning. After jogging, I decided to go to a friends house for breakfast but ended up drinking only Milo. The pancakes looked nice but I felt nauseated and didn't want to eat. After a few hours, I returned home and slept for 2 hours until the phone rang. Then I got up and went to work. I lost 3 kg overnight. Funny.

What bothers me is why did I react so badly to this news. Men come and go. If he's suppose to stay he would, I tell myself. Perhaps the 2 year friendship and year of courting had made my hopes go high. I cannot deny how much I loved this particular man. He was exactly what I asked for from God after I divorced my husband. Every single detail fitting each and every criteria. Including some of the things I didn't quite like but was necessary to keep me in line. The one and only man that I would have done anything for. But even from the start I told myself that I would readily accept if he chose someone else over me. It was unconditional love - which to me meant whatever makes the guy happy. I would sacrifice my own happiness just for him to get whatever he wants. I just hope he made the right choice. Its no point sacrificing for someone if they are not happy of the end result. But it was his choice to make. I could only render my services as a good friend to be here for him if he needed me.

I don't know whether I would ever love a man as much as I loved him. He feels like my missing half, the part of me that I only just found, and now he's going away. It took me 27 years to find a man that can match my wit and character, and now he chooses to be with someone else. Sometimes I feel like asking him, so what about our friendship? Does it not mean anything to you? The time we spent, the things we shared, the memories? But knowing him, I will never get an answer. Knowing him also, his decision was a bit too rash. But it is not for me to question. Deep inside, I believe he is my soulmate but soulmates don't necessarily marry each other.

Although I try to put a good front, my internal self is in agony. The balance has been disturbed, and it will take time to restore it. I do wonder how long my body wishes to retaliate food and rest. I hope not for long, I can't afford to be sick. I have too many things to do. For now I am keeping my heart with God, he knows whats best for me.