Its been awhile since I've actually written in my personal blog. Not at all due to the lack of interest in writing, but rather the lack of time and the need to be more discreet. When you are at the helm of a big idea, despite your good intentions, you need to be wary about things that may shoot you down. I have a few snipers waiting in the dark to get me at the right moment.
Being me is possibly one of the most hectic jobs around, although many friends express their jealousy of the flexibility of my time and work. Yeah, but then I work all the time, other people get to clock out at 5.The earnings are good as long as I am willing to pour in the extra effort, and mind you, most of it is your own effort.
Which is why my time is highly valuable. Time is money. And in the line of what I am doing, network is of utmost importance. Hence you could imagine the stress I am going through when I lost my Iphone. Luckily I have a back-up of my contacts and applications in my macbook but it still leaves me to have to buy another phone. Wish it was that simple.
But despite all the chaos going around in my world, I know it doesn't bother me that much since its always been chaos. Just needs a little more effort to get it to the point I want it to. What bothers me is whether am I making the right decisions for my own personal life. Unfortunately, only God knows.
Being an alpha female is never easy. Especially when you have empathy on board. Despite telling myself I will not make any excuses for a guy, I find myself spiraling down the same tunnel. Its not exactly healthy to the mind. It bears worst for the heart. And I keep asking myself day by day why do I let myself be hurt by my beau's complete ignorance of me.
Young men are so naive. They believe that they have to act so macho in front of a woman so that they don't lose their manhood. It is completely bullshit. A real man has the capability to tackle his surroundings and at the same time keep the woman that he loves happy. There is a misconception on what makes a woman happy. For younger women, material items makes them feel happy but its temporary. As you mature, (and have the capability to buy your own goodies and diamonds) all these material items are not so important anymore. What is more important is the attention. No point having a beau if he is not concerned about your daily happenings.
A lot of guys ask me this, why do they need to text the girlfriend everyday, and that they like their privacy. I simply answered, a relationship involves 2 people. Therefore, you can't just think about what you like, but what the other would prefer. If you go around doing only what you like with disregard of what the other person feels or wants, then definitely the other person is sacrificing his/her own comfort to compensate yours. In time, this will lead to more dissatisfaction and cause the relationship to wilt and break. Besides, smses cost 10 cents. Men spend more on cigarettes. And it'll save you the hassle of having to fight with your girl daily. Girls just want attention, if you don't give them any, they'd feel unappreciated.
The best part is, the moment they hit 35-40, they become more fatherly and concerned, so young stuffs get excessive attention. Which is why I won't tolerate this sort of treatment. I've been married before, I know exactly how I want the relationship to be. Having a communication breakdown is probably bliss for the man, but hey, I'm just human. If I feel unwanted I'll just walk. No more sacrificing for people who do not appreciate it.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Friday, April 1, 2011
Friday, February 12, 2010
So what if I'm a woman?....... Doesn't mean I'm dumb.
I haven't been able to write on my blog for quite awhile. Too many issues surrounding my head, and to find the right peaceful time to ramble is turning into quite a task, even for a master multi-tasker. But I guess this blog entry is just to sooth my nerves and calm my temper, almost sent some hounds after the idiot who ticked me off.
I met this guy last year after my heart break. He was a lot older than me in years, tall shy guy, more on the social side compared to the usual guys I use to date. I have to admit, there was strong chemistry between the two of us, so when he asked me to be his girlfriend, without much thought I said yes. It was the end of 2009, and I remembered myself saying that if I didn't have a bf by end of the year, I'll remain a bachelor till 35. Was he god sent? Perhaps.
The first 2 weeks of the relationship was fine, we were constantly seeing each other and in contact with each other, but by new year, things started to change. He didn't pick up my calls, and never returned them. He doesn't ever reply my smses and we barely meet. In fact I only met him once in January, and I talked to him on the phone maybe once a fortnight? After awhile I got fed up with this funny game. What is the point of having a boyfriend who is not there for you? So I decided, since he couldn't careless about what's going on with my life that we be just friends. I am a one man type woman. If I decide to be in relationship with one man, it'll be just that one man. To me, if you don't even have the courtesy to call me or spend time with me, then forget it. No point making my heart bleed for a guy who doesn't appreciate my worth.
Well, despite all that's happen, I was willing to give friendship a chance. He wanted my help for a few ventures he wanted to pursue. I, as usual, have all the contacts. I guess the weakness in me is that I always look at the goodness of people, and minimize the negative attitude. I marketed him quite good in the initial part, and many of my contacts were interested to help him out.
Unfortunately, there is a term in my language called "bodoh sombong". It means that the person is an idiot but does not realize or admit it, thus because of that he is incapable of learning anything. And because of that attitude also this friend of mine has successfully self-sabotaged his future by berating me and treating me badly. And you forget that it is on my recommendation that these people even notice you. Idiot.
First thing I wonder, why does he berate me so much? He doesn't really know me, he didn't grow up with me and he barely spends time with me. So in the first place, if you want to lecture me for my behaviour and the way i communicate with people, saying that I'm highly egoistic and stuck up, Excuse me mister - take a mirror and take a good look at yourself. What isn't that you have that gives you the right to lecture me? And besides, it is my help that you want in the first place to push you up, and you dare criticize me? I have just introduced you to my contacts, and you dare want to go direct with them when you have only really talked to them once? My God, you sure have guts. And you ask me why are you still where you are?
I maybe eccentric and I maybe out spoken, but that is who I am. No male chauvinistic pig is going to tell me to not be myself. If you have a problem with that then don't ask for my help in the first place. But if you are capable to gain what you want without my help, then you would have achieved it long before you knew me. Is it too much to ask for some respect and love for a way to achieve your dreams. I am not even asking for any monetary reimbursement, nor matrimony. It was my sincerest desire to help a fellow human, because I believed he had the capability to do what he wanted to do but needed a bit of guidance, and I wanted nothing in return except for his friendship. Period.
People who know me know that I am a bit outlandish in my ways, but they respect my heart and my effort. They respect the fact that I am the type of person who is willing to do everything it takes to make a difference, they respect my heart for its ever forgiving nature, they value my friendship because I am always a friend in need. Maybe the things that come out from my mouth are not all rosy but that's reality for you. Its no point whipping up roses, when your heart is as black as the abyss, with all sorts of conniving ideas to bring other people down.
Its not that I do not accept criticism well. I do for a fact. But it depends on who gives it and how it is given. You can't expect me to accept half an hour of lecturing and berating over my behaviour on the phone, when it is suppose to be you who should be listening to what I have to offer to help you achieve your dreams.
Well, I'm just going to keep quiet and see what he does. If he still has some functioning neurons in his head, he'd have the common sense to really apologize for what he did and what he put me through. If not, then it is his lost. Besides, does he really think people would want to help him if it was not for me..... Oh puh-lease..... like I said, if he could have succeeded without my help, he would have succeeded before. Lesson of the day, if you don't know, admit you don't know. Don't be a fool and piss every one off.
I met this guy last year after my heart break. He was a lot older than me in years, tall shy guy, more on the social side compared to the usual guys I use to date. I have to admit, there was strong chemistry between the two of us, so when he asked me to be his girlfriend, without much thought I said yes. It was the end of 2009, and I remembered myself saying that if I didn't have a bf by end of the year, I'll remain a bachelor till 35. Was he god sent? Perhaps.
The first 2 weeks of the relationship was fine, we were constantly seeing each other and in contact with each other, but by new year, things started to change. He didn't pick up my calls, and never returned them. He doesn't ever reply my smses and we barely meet. In fact I only met him once in January, and I talked to him on the phone maybe once a fortnight? After awhile I got fed up with this funny game. What is the point of having a boyfriend who is not there for you? So I decided, since he couldn't careless about what's going on with my life that we be just friends. I am a one man type woman. If I decide to be in relationship with one man, it'll be just that one man. To me, if you don't even have the courtesy to call me or spend time with me, then forget it. No point making my heart bleed for a guy who doesn't appreciate my worth.
Well, despite all that's happen, I was willing to give friendship a chance. He wanted my help for a few ventures he wanted to pursue. I, as usual, have all the contacts. I guess the weakness in me is that I always look at the goodness of people, and minimize the negative attitude. I marketed him quite good in the initial part, and many of my contacts were interested to help him out.
Unfortunately, there is a term in my language called "bodoh sombong". It means that the person is an idiot but does not realize or admit it, thus because of that he is incapable of learning anything. And because of that attitude also this friend of mine has successfully self-sabotaged his future by berating me and treating me badly. And you forget that it is on my recommendation that these people even notice you. Idiot.
First thing I wonder, why does he berate me so much? He doesn't really know me, he didn't grow up with me and he barely spends time with me. So in the first place, if you want to lecture me for my behaviour and the way i communicate with people, saying that I'm highly egoistic and stuck up, Excuse me mister - take a mirror and take a good look at yourself. What isn't that you have that gives you the right to lecture me? And besides, it is my help that you want in the first place to push you up, and you dare criticize me? I have just introduced you to my contacts, and you dare want to go direct with them when you have only really talked to them once? My God, you sure have guts. And you ask me why are you still where you are?
I maybe eccentric and I maybe out spoken, but that is who I am. No male chauvinistic pig is going to tell me to not be myself. If you have a problem with that then don't ask for my help in the first place. But if you are capable to gain what you want without my help, then you would have achieved it long before you knew me. Is it too much to ask for some respect and love for a way to achieve your dreams. I am not even asking for any monetary reimbursement, nor matrimony. It was my sincerest desire to help a fellow human, because I believed he had the capability to do what he wanted to do but needed a bit of guidance, and I wanted nothing in return except for his friendship. Period.
People who know me know that I am a bit outlandish in my ways, but they respect my heart and my effort. They respect the fact that I am the type of person who is willing to do everything it takes to make a difference, they respect my heart for its ever forgiving nature, they value my friendship because I am always a friend in need. Maybe the things that come out from my mouth are not all rosy but that's reality for you. Its no point whipping up roses, when your heart is as black as the abyss, with all sorts of conniving ideas to bring other people down.
Its not that I do not accept criticism well. I do for a fact. But it depends on who gives it and how it is given. You can't expect me to accept half an hour of lecturing and berating over my behaviour on the phone, when it is suppose to be you who should be listening to what I have to offer to help you achieve your dreams.
Well, I'm just going to keep quiet and see what he does. If he still has some functioning neurons in his head, he'd have the common sense to really apologize for what he did and what he put me through. If not, then it is his lost. Besides, does he really think people would want to help him if it was not for me..... Oh puh-lease..... like I said, if he could have succeeded without my help, he would have succeeded before. Lesson of the day, if you don't know, admit you don't know. Don't be a fool and piss every one off.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Loving myself......
Despite all the turmoils that I've trudged through this whole year, I still find myself smiling. Its true when they say when you learn to love God, you learn to love yourself more. You try your best to be an excellent individual, because God wants us to be excellent individuals. In every calling for prayer, he reminds us by inviting us to excel to glory.
God is fair, that is one thing that I purely believe. It is us humans who make life unfair for each other, but its okay, if God wills something to happen, then definitely it must be for a good reason. We just need to learn to understand things as they come.
I think God is trying to teach me to love myself more. I have been sacrificing everything for everyone around me but it was out of desperation. But now I do it out of love for God and out of love for myself.
Its nearing year end, and I have found myself calmer than when I first started. Despite the problems, the heart break and the constant struggle to maintain a healthy cash flow, I have a good feeling that things will be much better after this.
Insya Allah.
Sometimes I wish I can help other people see what I see, and perceive the world as how I perceive it - I could really make them smile everyday as how I smile. But God is all-knowing, and perhaps this revelation is something they need to find out for themselves. All I can do for them is pray.
God is fair, that is one thing that I purely believe. It is us humans who make life unfair for each other, but its okay, if God wills something to happen, then definitely it must be for a good reason. We just need to learn to understand things as they come.
I think God is trying to teach me to love myself more. I have been sacrificing everything for everyone around me but it was out of desperation. But now I do it out of love for God and out of love for myself.
Its nearing year end, and I have found myself calmer than when I first started. Despite the problems, the heart break and the constant struggle to maintain a healthy cash flow, I have a good feeling that things will be much better after this.
Insya Allah.
Sometimes I wish I can help other people see what I see, and perceive the world as how I perceive it - I could really make them smile everyday as how I smile. But God is all-knowing, and perhaps this revelation is something they need to find out for themselves. All I can do for them is pray.
Friday, November 13, 2009
This is it....... relief mission.........
It has been a hectic week and I think I've donned down too many caffeine and super vitamins that my body can handle. Its finally Saturday, the 14th. My tickets confirmed, my bags are packed, I'm ready to go... or am I?
Passport and money checked... just need to trade in some rupiah before I leave to go to the airport. It is a great change..... despite the fact that I had a caffeine overdose last night...... and ended up sleeping around 2 hours only. I feel like shit but I'll survive... just another cup of latte would do, and perhaps some proper breakfast.
I have to admit, this is a nice change. A funny way of God forcing me to go on vacation from all the hectic happenings of my life. Yes, I've been hurt, I was depressed, my heart crushed, my spirits dampened - being sent for a relief mission perhaps is the one thing that can help me get back on my feet. Going to a place of disaster, seeing people's suffering first hand, and sparing all your energy and brains to help them. What better way to make me forget my petty problems. Other people have more profound issues than I do. I am starting to see why God directed me to go in the first place.
I have always believed that everything that happens around me occurs for some reason. There is no probability of chance. Everything is planned according to God's will, it depends on us how we interpret and make good use of it. Everything that occurs has a reason - every happiness we get, every trouble we encounter, every person we meet. People may not agree with me, but this is how I perceive the world. And I have told myself before that God Almighty is my first lover, and because of this I believe he will protect me from any harm, he will give me strength to do the things I have to do, and as long as I believe it, I can achieve anything he has planned for me to do. No love for a man can ever replace this. Its not even worth it. I'm not saying that I plan to remain single the rest of my life, but I would if that is God's willing.
I'm just praying I come home safe and sound, so that I can kiss and hug my babies again. Its thrilling and exciting and scary at the same time, but God will guide me, I will do great, and my clinic will be good even in my absence, and some good Samaritan will help me overcome my company dilemma, so everything will be just fine. Amen.
Passport and money checked... just need to trade in some rupiah before I leave to go to the airport. It is a great change..... despite the fact that I had a caffeine overdose last night...... and ended up sleeping around 2 hours only. I feel like shit but I'll survive... just another cup of latte would do, and perhaps some proper breakfast.
I have to admit, this is a nice change. A funny way of God forcing me to go on vacation from all the hectic happenings of my life. Yes, I've been hurt, I was depressed, my heart crushed, my spirits dampened - being sent for a relief mission perhaps is the one thing that can help me get back on my feet. Going to a place of disaster, seeing people's suffering first hand, and sparing all your energy and brains to help them. What better way to make me forget my petty problems. Other people have more profound issues than I do. I am starting to see why God directed me to go in the first place.
I have always believed that everything that happens around me occurs for some reason. There is no probability of chance. Everything is planned according to God's will, it depends on us how we interpret and make good use of it. Everything that occurs has a reason - every happiness we get, every trouble we encounter, every person we meet. People may not agree with me, but this is how I perceive the world. And I have told myself before that God Almighty is my first lover, and because of this I believe he will protect me from any harm, he will give me strength to do the things I have to do, and as long as I believe it, I can achieve anything he has planned for me to do. No love for a man can ever replace this. Its not even worth it. I'm not saying that I plan to remain single the rest of my life, but I would if that is God's willing.
I'm just praying I come home safe and sound, so that I can kiss and hug my babies again. Its thrilling and exciting and scary at the same time, but God will guide me, I will do great, and my clinic will be good even in my absence, and some good Samaritan will help me overcome my company dilemma, so everything will be just fine. Amen.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Eve of my birthday............
It is the eve of my birthday and I have just returned from a nice coffee and cake treat courtesy of Miss Haze.... Thanks babe... first cake and birthday song for the year. Really appreciate it.
Prior to that I was in Bukit Kiara cemetery paying homage to my late mother. It is my 10th birthday without her and as the years goes by, it doesn't seem to be any easier for me. I told her about the things happening in my life, the good things, the upsetting stuff, well I know some may think its blasphemous to talk to a tombstone, but its where I feel her closest, and somehow I believe she does listen - perhaps not as bothered. I really missed her so much, just 29 years ago I was still in her womb just about to come out the next day. I felt like a little child once more, hugging a memory that is so old. I still remember how she smiled, her voice, her style, her cooking. I remembered the time when she was sick, and the time I was called to the hospital at 5 am where she expired. The look on her face as I bathed her and kissed her forehead the very last time before escorting her body to the cemetery. Its been almost 10 years, but the memory is still so vivid, it felt like yesterday. I wept. I wished I could still hug and kiss her, and tell her how much I loved her - but I knew that it was already her time, so God must take her. Because she was taken from me, which is what made me stronger, if not I'd still be a spoilt rich brat. Perhaps my life would have been so much different?
Despite all the wistful thinking, I think if given a chance, I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't be who I am now if not for the things that happened in the past. Everything that happened, happened for a reason. It is up to ourselves to learn and understand what God wanted us to learn.
It will be my birthday soon, a start of a new year for my life. I get so excited going through each and every one because I know with every birthday, there is renewed confidence, renewed love and renewed character. I'm a better person every time my birthday comes around and I'm proud of being who I am. It is an incredible milestone compared to years before.
Thinking back compared to last year, despite the lack of crazy festivities, I think I have grown a bit wiser than last year and overall I am a lot happier than before. Yes, I may have broken my heart on a guy who took me for granted, but honestly, I'm really cool about it now. I have my closure, despite not able to meet him face to face, but I suddenly realized that God have better things installed for me in life, to waste my time on a man who doesn't even realize half my worth. Only an idiot would turn down a wonderful, beautiful, successful, sexy and intelligent woman like me. God loves me enough to not let me be owned by a man who would not be able to appreciate the goodness in me. The right one will come definitely. Lets see where the story goes.....
So sleepy... need to take my beauty sleep..... tomorrow is the most important day of the year. My birthday.
Prior to that I was in Bukit Kiara cemetery paying homage to my late mother. It is my 10th birthday without her and as the years goes by, it doesn't seem to be any easier for me. I told her about the things happening in my life, the good things, the upsetting stuff, well I know some may think its blasphemous to talk to a tombstone, but its where I feel her closest, and somehow I believe she does listen - perhaps not as bothered. I really missed her so much, just 29 years ago I was still in her womb just about to come out the next day. I felt like a little child once more, hugging a memory that is so old. I still remember how she smiled, her voice, her style, her cooking. I remembered the time when she was sick, and the time I was called to the hospital at 5 am where she expired. The look on her face as I bathed her and kissed her forehead the very last time before escorting her body to the cemetery. Its been almost 10 years, but the memory is still so vivid, it felt like yesterday. I wept. I wished I could still hug and kiss her, and tell her how much I loved her - but I knew that it was already her time, so God must take her. Because she was taken from me, which is what made me stronger, if not I'd still be a spoilt rich brat. Perhaps my life would have been so much different?
Despite all the wistful thinking, I think if given a chance, I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't be who I am now if not for the things that happened in the past. Everything that happened, happened for a reason. It is up to ourselves to learn and understand what God wanted us to learn.
It will be my birthday soon, a start of a new year for my life. I get so excited going through each and every one because I know with every birthday, there is renewed confidence, renewed love and renewed character. I'm a better person every time my birthday comes around and I'm proud of being who I am. It is an incredible milestone compared to years before.
Thinking back compared to last year, despite the lack of crazy festivities, I think I have grown a bit wiser than last year and overall I am a lot happier than before. Yes, I may have broken my heart on a guy who took me for granted, but honestly, I'm really cool about it now. I have my closure, despite not able to meet him face to face, but I suddenly realized that God have better things installed for me in life, to waste my time on a man who doesn't even realize half my worth. Only an idiot would turn down a wonderful, beautiful, successful, sexy and intelligent woman like me. God loves me enough to not let me be owned by a man who would not be able to appreciate the goodness in me. The right one will come definitely. Lets see where the story goes.....
So sleepy... need to take my beauty sleep..... tomorrow is the most important day of the year. My birthday.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Rantings of the turmoiled heart.....
Its the 7th day without my kids and although I am enjoying my singlehood without having to care for anyone, the loneliness is extremely torturing. With my baby by my side, I tend to distract the lonely nights by looking at her peaceful face sleeping by my side. I would be exhausted during the day keeping up with her antics, and thus sleep is most welcomed.
I am alone now. And every night is like a blade hitting my heart. I crave companionship and perhaps a little bit more, but I swore an oath to myself and God that I shall not indulge in such activities unless through proper wedlock. 3 fricking years is a long time. Its starting to haunt me. And this is the longest I have been without a love companion. Almost a year is it? Or perhaps more? My greatest weakness - love. Or is it lust?
God certainly has a sense of humour. He knows that I can't sleep with a man unless I love him, and he's thrown my heart to a man that does not love me. I cannot imagine a worst torture than having your heart tied to a person who couldn't careless what you feel. And so the tango begins.
I'm starting to hate myself for loving this guy and not having the courage to walk away. I would rather go through physical hardships and mental torture than going through what I'm going through. I guess no one would understand how I feel. Its just a very simple solution - I need this guy to tell me he doesn't love me, then I can move on. I'm so pathetic. No wonder he says I have issues. Yes I do have issues... you are the issue.
Despite being all so emotional, I guess my current vulnerable state would drive any man out the door. Its the insecurity of not knowing the outcome. I guess I'm so used to planning out my life completely in front of me, that when it comes to relationships, well, I want that same security also. But logically, who wants to be crushing on the same person for many many years only to have that person run off with a younger chic.
Yes, I hate to admit I am getting older. Despite only having 18 candles on all my cakes for the past 10 years, following a healthy anti-aging routine and having my own aesthetic and anti-aging clinic, my biological clock is ticking. If I hope for a son, I'd better get a mate in the next year or so. Hopefully he doesn't shoot X's all the time - then I'd be getting more girls.
Everyone wants someone to love and pay attention to what they are doing. I was asked before, am I so lonely? Its not a fair question to answer because yes of course I am. Even Adam was lonely, and God made him Eve. Even our prophet after the death of his first wife went into a state of depression, that God asked him to remarry to aid his grief. I am just a normal human being. If you are so used to living in a relationship, you will definitely feel lonely when you are out of one. My ex-husband and I, we were together for 10 years. I still feel a bit awkward waking up with no one beside me. Which is why the absence of my child pains me. Perhaps God sent her as a gift, because he knew I wouldn't survive this long without her.
Sometimes I think I'm being too emotional. Give the poor lad a space to breathe, I tell myself. I could, except of that lingering question of security. I hate going through the days not knowing. So I guess there will be more ramblings and rantings as such in days to come.
I'll be okay. My heart just need to cool down a bit. My greatest strength, my greatest weakness. Love.
I am alone now. And every night is like a blade hitting my heart. I crave companionship and perhaps a little bit more, but I swore an oath to myself and God that I shall not indulge in such activities unless through proper wedlock. 3 fricking years is a long time. Its starting to haunt me. And this is the longest I have been without a love companion. Almost a year is it? Or perhaps more? My greatest weakness - love. Or is it lust?
God certainly has a sense of humour. He knows that I can't sleep with a man unless I love him, and he's thrown my heart to a man that does not love me. I cannot imagine a worst torture than having your heart tied to a person who couldn't careless what you feel. And so the tango begins.
I'm starting to hate myself for loving this guy and not having the courage to walk away. I would rather go through physical hardships and mental torture than going through what I'm going through. I guess no one would understand how I feel. Its just a very simple solution - I need this guy to tell me he doesn't love me, then I can move on. I'm so pathetic. No wonder he says I have issues. Yes I do have issues... you are the issue.
Despite being all so emotional, I guess my current vulnerable state would drive any man out the door. Its the insecurity of not knowing the outcome. I guess I'm so used to planning out my life completely in front of me, that when it comes to relationships, well, I want that same security also. But logically, who wants to be crushing on the same person for many many years only to have that person run off with a younger chic.
Yes, I hate to admit I am getting older. Despite only having 18 candles on all my cakes for the past 10 years, following a healthy anti-aging routine and having my own aesthetic and anti-aging clinic, my biological clock is ticking. If I hope for a son, I'd better get a mate in the next year or so. Hopefully he doesn't shoot X's all the time - then I'd be getting more girls.
Everyone wants someone to love and pay attention to what they are doing. I was asked before, am I so lonely? Its not a fair question to answer because yes of course I am. Even Adam was lonely, and God made him Eve. Even our prophet after the death of his first wife went into a state of depression, that God asked him to remarry to aid his grief. I am just a normal human being. If you are so used to living in a relationship, you will definitely feel lonely when you are out of one. My ex-husband and I, we were together for 10 years. I still feel a bit awkward waking up with no one beside me. Which is why the absence of my child pains me. Perhaps God sent her as a gift, because he knew I wouldn't survive this long without her.
Sometimes I think I'm being too emotional. Give the poor lad a space to breathe, I tell myself. I could, except of that lingering question of security. I hate going through the days not knowing. So I guess there will be more ramblings and rantings as such in days to come.
I'll be okay. My heart just need to cool down a bit. My greatest strength, my greatest weakness. Love.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Horoscope
My sister emailed me a love calculator based on horoscopes. Not that I'm an avid believer of horoscopes, but I do believe that people born in certain times of the year have certain similar traits. Just out of boredom... let's see what this calculator says about me :).
Astrology
Libra, just as its symbol (scales) suggests, is all about balance and justice. Librans are very diplomatic and usually can get what they want without a fight. Their charming nature allows them to get along with people quite easily. Librans are also quite adventurous, they like traveling and partying. In fact by some Libra is considered as the most hard-partying sign of the zodiac. Weather it is true or not, they all have a good taste for fun.
Getting along with people is really one of Libra’s talents. However this also means that very often Libra individuals place too much importance on what other think about them. Libra always tries to avoid conflict and live in harmony with others, but sometimes this leads to problems piling up and not being solved, until there are too many to take. For the most part these people are very easy-going, but there is one thing that they really dislike and it is when somebody is being unjust and is unwilling to compromise. One of Libra’s biggest flaws is their indecisiveness.
Librans are very romantic at heart and always want to have someone by their side. Relationships to them are like an adventure, and they expect their partner to know how to make it fun and worthwhile. Librans usually have a good taste for expensive things, be it clothes, food, or places they go to.
Overall Librans are very fun loving, easy-going and charming people; they are definitely the ones you would want to join a party with. If there are any problems, they will be willing to help, and with their talents of diplomacy they can be very useful.
How to seduce Libra?
* Learn to compromise and be rational
* Compliment them
* Dress with style
* Talk about relationships
The following is what you should not do, if you want a Libra person to like you:
* Be arrogant
* Be cheap
* Be unfriendly to others
Love traits
* Romantic
* Caring
* It’s hard to make a Libran commit, but once they do, their love is
unquestionable
* Very peaceful and will try to avoid any fights
* Likes to flirt, even when in a relationship, but it’s rarely anything to worry
about
* Fair and just
Sex habits
Foreplay, dirty talk, some more foreplay, the action, the action with toys and that is what makes up good sex plan for a Libran. If on top of all that you could also add some luxury that would be the best. Libras are known for their exquisite, expensive tastes, so if one can satisfy it too, then the happy Libra is all theirs. However, remember to be careful not to let the smart Scales person use you, since their charms can work wonders when they want something.
Libra’s diplomacy shows even after they had sex, when they’ll say something like - "I liked it if you liked it."
Astrology
Libra, just as its symbol (scales) suggests, is all about balance and justice. Librans are very diplomatic and usually can get what they want without a fight. Their charming nature allows them to get along with people quite easily. Librans are also quite adventurous, they like traveling and partying. In fact by some Libra is considered as the most hard-partying sign of the zodiac. Weather it is true or not, they all have a good taste for fun.
Getting along with people is really one of Libra’s talents. However this also means that very often Libra individuals place too much importance on what other think about them. Libra always tries to avoid conflict and live in harmony with others, but sometimes this leads to problems piling up and not being solved, until there are too many to take. For the most part these people are very easy-going, but there is one thing that they really dislike and it is when somebody is being unjust and is unwilling to compromise. One of Libra’s biggest flaws is their indecisiveness.
Librans are very romantic at heart and always want to have someone by their side. Relationships to them are like an adventure, and they expect their partner to know how to make it fun and worthwhile. Librans usually have a good taste for expensive things, be it clothes, food, or places they go to.
Overall Librans are very fun loving, easy-going and charming people; they are definitely the ones you would want to join a party with. If there are any problems, they will be willing to help, and with their talents of diplomacy they can be very useful.
How to seduce Libra?
* Learn to compromise and be rational
* Compliment them
* Dress with style
* Talk about relationships
The following is what you should not do, if you want a Libra person to like you:
* Be arrogant
* Be cheap
* Be unfriendly to others
Love traits
* Romantic
* Caring
* It’s hard to make a Libran commit, but once they do, their love is
unquestionable
* Very peaceful and will try to avoid any fights
* Likes to flirt, even when in a relationship, but it’s rarely anything to worry
about
* Fair and just
Sex habits
Foreplay, dirty talk, some more foreplay, the action, the action with toys and that is what makes up good sex plan for a Libran. If on top of all that you could also add some luxury that would be the best. Libras are known for their exquisite, expensive tastes, so if one can satisfy it too, then the happy Libra is all theirs. However, remember to be careful not to let the smart Scales person use you, since their charms can work wonders when they want something.
Libra’s diplomacy shows even after they had sex, when they’ll say something like - "I liked it if you liked it."
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
I'm just tired....
Have you ever come to one point of your life where you just feel so tired that you just want to not do anything until the lethargy passes?
I guess I am exhausted - physically, mentally, emotionally tired. Its hard when you are on your own doing so many things, and you don't really have anybody you can confide in that would understand you. Or for the better part just listen - or even if you don't feel like talking, just to hold you, so that you don't feel so alone in the world. So that you realize that there is someone to turn to, someone who actually cares.
Sometimes I envy other people who have very simple and easy lives, sometimes I question God when will all my drama end? When will I be able to settle down and lead a proper stable life? I'm barely reaching 30, but I feel like I've lived almost 60 years on this planet. I'm tired of the things I have to go through everyday, I'm bored of doing things alone.
2 years of singlehood, it is actually quite a task to live alone again. Like I always tell my single friends, you cannot miss what you never had. Unfortunately, I had it all but it disappeared. Now perhaps I am self-sabotaging myself by putting such high standards for a to-be partner and aiming for unrealistic goals.
A lot of guys tell me I am highly attractive and I would have no problem in getting a new mate. But would there be one who is willing to sacrifice himself for my happiness? Someone that would keep me smiling despite all the crisis I have to face and go through, somebody who would love to spend time with me without trying to get me to have sex with him. Someone who does not calculate the minutes of our conversations, and understands that I am an expressive being which needs to express herself and not ignore me. I don't want a man 24 hours by my side, but at least to understand that I am just human, and I need emotional support.
I'm tired of looking or even trying anymore. I guess if someone really likes me or loves me, he would definitely say so and get straight to the point. Love is suppose to be unconditioned, lust on the other hand needs plenty of rules to not get out of hand.
Honestly, I don't know what is really bothering me now. Maybe i just need to rest. I'm so tired.
I guess I am exhausted - physically, mentally, emotionally tired. Its hard when you are on your own doing so many things, and you don't really have anybody you can confide in that would understand you. Or for the better part just listen - or even if you don't feel like talking, just to hold you, so that you don't feel so alone in the world. So that you realize that there is someone to turn to, someone who actually cares.
Sometimes I envy other people who have very simple and easy lives, sometimes I question God when will all my drama end? When will I be able to settle down and lead a proper stable life? I'm barely reaching 30, but I feel like I've lived almost 60 years on this planet. I'm tired of the things I have to go through everyday, I'm bored of doing things alone.
2 years of singlehood, it is actually quite a task to live alone again. Like I always tell my single friends, you cannot miss what you never had. Unfortunately, I had it all but it disappeared. Now perhaps I am self-sabotaging myself by putting such high standards for a to-be partner and aiming for unrealistic goals.
A lot of guys tell me I am highly attractive and I would have no problem in getting a new mate. But would there be one who is willing to sacrifice himself for my happiness? Someone that would keep me smiling despite all the crisis I have to face and go through, somebody who would love to spend time with me without trying to get me to have sex with him. Someone who does not calculate the minutes of our conversations, and understands that I am an expressive being which needs to express herself and not ignore me. I don't want a man 24 hours by my side, but at least to understand that I am just human, and I need emotional support.
I'm tired of looking or even trying anymore. I guess if someone really likes me or loves me, he would definitely say so and get straight to the point. Love is suppose to be unconditioned, lust on the other hand needs plenty of rules to not get out of hand.
Honestly, I don't know what is really bothering me now. Maybe i just need to rest. I'm so tired.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I am happy single.... so don't push it..
It has been a stressful and hectic 2 months. Things are not all rosy in the corporate world that I have started to indulge in. Maybe the toll of trying to solve too many things have taken onto my mood and happiness of late. Unfortunately, I don't really have anyone that I can just vent out all my frustrations and would not judge me and just understand. Everyone tend to judge whatever I do, perhaps because I couldn't really explain in too detail the things going about, and perhaps also for them to comprehend what I'm going through is not easy. I have accepted it at that, thus I keep to myself concerning my work and try my best to solve whatever turmoil I am having step by step. I am starting to see some light to my massive problem and they maybe yet a fairy tale ending to all this.
But what is upsetting me is not really about work. Few days ago, I had a friendly call from my neighbour asking me how I was and then started asking me about whether I had any boyfriends and when I am planning to remarry. She was concerned that I was single and told me it wasn't healthy to be single for a long time as I may end up depressed like a few of her cousins. Okay, I swallowed it as that. Then I received a call from my sister and she was berating me on why I bother looking for a Malay soulmate, go find a nice decent Caucasian and that I should get myself a boyfriend ASAP.
Yes, I do admit sometimes I do feel lonely since I have spent almost 10 years in a steady relationship but the 10 years has also taught me an important lesson which is its not about having somebody but its more of having 'the' somebody that will love and treat you fairly that you are comfortable with and who will protect you, your faith and your family. It took me almost 30 years to realize what type of man would suit me, perhaps I have found some men who fit the certain criterias that I need, but I'm not going to jump into relationship just because my neighbour, my friends or my family is worried that I'll be single and depressed. I'm far from depressed. I'm actually happy with my life except for the minor glitch at work.
And besides I cannot commit to any man now, not when my baby girl is just learning to speak properly. Not when my ex is remarrying and my kids need me for emotional support, not when my company is still unstable, not when I have still have a long way to go to settle my liabilities and not when I'm still learning to enjoy my single life. I would estimate another year or two before I would be ready enough to focus on another man, to be fair to him and make the marriage work.
Because to me, getting myself involved in a serious relationship would require a lot of lifestyle changes. After all, I would be married to the family as well not just the guy. I would need to allocate time for him and his family, on top of my own time for myself and my family, and my job. It would be possible once I've gone through all the hurdles I need to now. I would need to adapt to living with a man again, and everyone being their own island, would definitely need time getting use to.
Therefore, I can't just settle down with any man. The guy would be someone who really loves me and willing to understand my complicated life and willing to allow me to settle it one by one. Someone who can love my children so that if anything ever happened to me, they would still be taken cared for. Someone who has his own thing going, so that he won't be too bothered with me being busy as I am, as long as we make time for each other. Someone who will guide me closer to God, because at the end of the day, all things in the world are material, and we will die and meet our Creator hopefully in the best form.
So, its not that simple. Its not just about getting a guy to get laid and settle down. So don't push it. I will know when I'm ready and when I've found the right guy. Besides, God will guide me definitely.
But what is upsetting me is not really about work. Few days ago, I had a friendly call from my neighbour asking me how I was and then started asking me about whether I had any boyfriends and when I am planning to remarry. She was concerned that I was single and told me it wasn't healthy to be single for a long time as I may end up depressed like a few of her cousins. Okay, I swallowed it as that. Then I received a call from my sister and she was berating me on why I bother looking for a Malay soulmate, go find a nice decent Caucasian and that I should get myself a boyfriend ASAP.
Yes, I do admit sometimes I do feel lonely since I have spent almost 10 years in a steady relationship but the 10 years has also taught me an important lesson which is its not about having somebody but its more of having 'the' somebody that will love and treat you fairly that you are comfortable with and who will protect you, your faith and your family. It took me almost 30 years to realize what type of man would suit me, perhaps I have found some men who fit the certain criterias that I need, but I'm not going to jump into relationship just because my neighbour, my friends or my family is worried that I'll be single and depressed. I'm far from depressed. I'm actually happy with my life except for the minor glitch at work.
And besides I cannot commit to any man now, not when my baby girl is just learning to speak properly. Not when my ex is remarrying and my kids need me for emotional support, not when my company is still unstable, not when I have still have a long way to go to settle my liabilities and not when I'm still learning to enjoy my single life. I would estimate another year or two before I would be ready enough to focus on another man, to be fair to him and make the marriage work.
Because to me, getting myself involved in a serious relationship would require a lot of lifestyle changes. After all, I would be married to the family as well not just the guy. I would need to allocate time for him and his family, on top of my own time for myself and my family, and my job. It would be possible once I've gone through all the hurdles I need to now. I would need to adapt to living with a man again, and everyone being their own island, would definitely need time getting use to.
Therefore, I can't just settle down with any man. The guy would be someone who really loves me and willing to understand my complicated life and willing to allow me to settle it one by one. Someone who can love my children so that if anything ever happened to me, they would still be taken cared for. Someone who has his own thing going, so that he won't be too bothered with me being busy as I am, as long as we make time for each other. Someone who will guide me closer to God, because at the end of the day, all things in the world are material, and we will die and meet our Creator hopefully in the best form.
So, its not that simple. Its not just about getting a guy to get laid and settle down. So don't push it. I will know when I'm ready and when I've found the right guy. Besides, God will guide me definitely.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wisdom from an old friend....
I must be hyped today - 3 blog entries in a day? Well, one was an old entry I forgot to publish, the second was just one while passing time in my clinic, and this one, well, some pearls passed down to me by my lawyer.
My lawyer is a fascinating lady with years of experience in Islamic law. She even has a masters in Philosophy from Kent, Canterbury, and is notorious for her fierceness in the court room. But otherwise, she is the most pleasant lady, despite her high lawyer fee. But like she told me, its like getting a specialist from Gleanegles to see you - I completely understand. Her advices are very useful and practical.
Today we met up just to keep on track with the case. After the discussion, we had a little chat on relationships. She told me how most of her clients usually went from one divorce to another because the real problem was the client did not change. She was attracted to the same type of men that had abused her previously that led to the first divorce. Looking at me, she feels that she should tell me this, as a friend. "You are young, pretty, energetic and hardworking. Build your business and yourself first before you go looking for a guy. Love your child, and take care of yourself. Be patient, waiting a few years won't hurt. At least if you have a successful business and good life, you can choose whom to be your future partner. The key is to find a man who is responsible and knows Islam well. Just promise me you wouldn't end up marrying someone just like your ex-husband."
She then told me a story about her client who was a pilot. He married a single lady from a rich family. He had one boy whom he took care of because his ex-wife was incapable. When my lawyer asked her what prompted her to marry him, she said she was impressed with the way he took care of his son, and thus she knows that he would be a great dad to her children.
I just smiled. Honestly I prefer single men. Single virgin men. Its not that I'm biased but I just like unexplored territories. Plus I do believe I am incredibly possessive when it comes to things related to my man. But don't get me wrong, its not that I'm a queen controlling freak, nope. My man gets to do or go anywhere he wants as long as he remains faithful to me. But when he is unfaithful.... well that's another story. I can be a very good friend, but I can also be the worst enemy. Not to mention my information gathering techniques which makes some people believe I could be a spy.
Coming back to the story, it made me wonder whether any man would ever see my single motherhood as a bonus rather than a vice. I believe I am a good mother, I provide my child with everything I could. I even sacrificed my career in medicine just so that I have flexible time with them. Oh yes, I do need to leave them in other people's hands when I work, but usually not more than 8 hours. At night I'm around and I tuck my little pixie to bed, and I read her favourite story book for her. Despite still no luck with a maid, I still manage to keep the house clean, cook good food and spend at least an hour a day watching her favourite cartoon with her. And weekends, I make it a point to do some physical activity like playground, play gym or other interesting things. Nabilah gets at least 10 hugs a day and at least 10 kisses from me.
What my lawyer told me made a lot of sense. If I were typical, I would be more interested with a man of familiar traits i.e. like my ex-husband. I noticed that my boyfriend after him shared quite similar traits which after 3 months I decided it was impossible. I was only getting an upgraded version of my ex-hubby which is not good enough. I told my ex-boyfriend frankly that if I were to marry him, well we'd be lucky for it to last 2 years even. So I broke off from him, took away every shread of pity I have for him and kept it locked up in Davy Jones locker. It drove him nuts but I know I couldn't. I just hope God puts him in better hands than mine.
After 2 years of separation, I know exactly what I want. I want a man that loves God more than me, a man who will encourage me to do goodness and succeed in life, a man better than me that I completely respect in many areas, responsible, a man who respect my capabilities, who is independent of me, intelligent, but at the same time lovable, amiable and able to make me laugh and smile. Someone I can share everything with, including knowledge. Someone that I completely love that I would do anything for him, someone who can accept my children and protect them as his own. Someone I can grow old with.
For the time being, I would still remain single but married to my businesses. My lawyer's advice is a sound one I should follow. Mr Right, if youa re out there, don't hesitate, but if you are thinking about soon matrimony, I would have to ask you to wait at least another year or two till I've established myself. But then, we could still be best of friends right?
My lawyer is a fascinating lady with years of experience in Islamic law. She even has a masters in Philosophy from Kent, Canterbury, and is notorious for her fierceness in the court room. But otherwise, she is the most pleasant lady, despite her high lawyer fee. But like she told me, its like getting a specialist from Gleanegles to see you - I completely understand. Her advices are very useful and practical.
Today we met up just to keep on track with the case. After the discussion, we had a little chat on relationships. She told me how most of her clients usually went from one divorce to another because the real problem was the client did not change. She was attracted to the same type of men that had abused her previously that led to the first divorce. Looking at me, she feels that she should tell me this, as a friend. "You are young, pretty, energetic and hardworking. Build your business and yourself first before you go looking for a guy. Love your child, and take care of yourself. Be patient, waiting a few years won't hurt. At least if you have a successful business and good life, you can choose whom to be your future partner. The key is to find a man who is responsible and knows Islam well. Just promise me you wouldn't end up marrying someone just like your ex-husband."
She then told me a story about her client who was a pilot. He married a single lady from a rich family. He had one boy whom he took care of because his ex-wife was incapable. When my lawyer asked her what prompted her to marry him, she said she was impressed with the way he took care of his son, and thus she knows that he would be a great dad to her children.
I just smiled. Honestly I prefer single men. Single virgin men. Its not that I'm biased but I just like unexplored territories. Plus I do believe I am incredibly possessive when it comes to things related to my man. But don't get me wrong, its not that I'm a queen controlling freak, nope. My man gets to do or go anywhere he wants as long as he remains faithful to me. But when he is unfaithful.... well that's another story. I can be a very good friend, but I can also be the worst enemy. Not to mention my information gathering techniques which makes some people believe I could be a spy.
Coming back to the story, it made me wonder whether any man would ever see my single motherhood as a bonus rather than a vice. I believe I am a good mother, I provide my child with everything I could. I even sacrificed my career in medicine just so that I have flexible time with them. Oh yes, I do need to leave them in other people's hands when I work, but usually not more than 8 hours. At night I'm around and I tuck my little pixie to bed, and I read her favourite story book for her. Despite still no luck with a maid, I still manage to keep the house clean, cook good food and spend at least an hour a day watching her favourite cartoon with her. And weekends, I make it a point to do some physical activity like playground, play gym or other interesting things. Nabilah gets at least 10 hugs a day and at least 10 kisses from me.
What my lawyer told me made a lot of sense. If I were typical, I would be more interested with a man of familiar traits i.e. like my ex-husband. I noticed that my boyfriend after him shared quite similar traits which after 3 months I decided it was impossible. I was only getting an upgraded version of my ex-hubby which is not good enough. I told my ex-boyfriend frankly that if I were to marry him, well we'd be lucky for it to last 2 years even. So I broke off from him, took away every shread of pity I have for him and kept it locked up in Davy Jones locker. It drove him nuts but I know I couldn't. I just hope God puts him in better hands than mine.
After 2 years of separation, I know exactly what I want. I want a man that loves God more than me, a man who will encourage me to do goodness and succeed in life, a man better than me that I completely respect in many areas, responsible, a man who respect my capabilities, who is independent of me, intelligent, but at the same time lovable, amiable and able to make me laugh and smile. Someone I can share everything with, including knowledge. Someone that I completely love that I would do anything for him, someone who can accept my children and protect them as his own. Someone I can grow old with.
For the time being, I would still remain single but married to my businesses. My lawyer's advice is a sound one I should follow. Mr Right, if youa re out there, don't hesitate, but if you are thinking about soon matrimony, I would have to ask you to wait at least another year or two till I've established myself. But then, we could still be best of friends right?
Friday, February 13, 2009
Happy Valentine's Day......
Its February the 14th again and perhaps there's a lot of love in the air. Valentine's Day got its name from Saint Valentines but none of them were related to love per se, only perhaps one of them who secretly conducted marriages during the Roman Claudius II rule, where the Roman pagan believed that married men did not make good soldiers.
Some scholars believed that Valentine's day was actually a christian version of the pagan celebration Lupercalia which was the dedicated to the sacred marriage of Zeus and Hera occurring in mid-February which was associated with fertility but no actual link was found between the two.
Regardless of the history, Valentine's Day has been an object of consumerism where a study in US showed that men spent more during this period to buy gifts for women. Flower companies, chocolate companies and other lovey dovey items profit so much from this day and it is the second most celebrated day in US after Christmas.
The culture has spread all around the world, and most people would celebrate the day as a day to remember your love ones. I still remembered when I was 5, and it was Valentines, and the teacher in school asked us to make greeting cards for our parents and I made one for my mum and dad. My mum's card had a large rose on it with a big red hear, dad's one was blue with a big red heart and I ran back home with the cards to give them to my parents. And I received one card from an anonymous admirer, but I was 5, so I can't remember exactly who it was.
The habit continues on even after I returned to Malaysia, where I would still make Valentine cards for my parents uptill highschool I stopped. I don't remember why but perhaps it was due to teenage conflict. Sometimes I wish my mum was still around, I would have made her a beautiful card and throw in some roses for her just to show how much I care about her. Alas this year I will be celebrating with my baby girl - maybe go visit my godsister and her baby who's having a birthday party tomorrow.
No romantic dinners or dates? Nope. This year I'm completely single and have been for more than 6 months now. Any guys in lieu, maybe not yet. Besides, its not like we celebrate giri-choco here, if not I'll be so broke. Well happy loving day everybody.......
Some scholars believed that Valentine's day was actually a christian version of the pagan celebration Lupercalia which was the dedicated to the sacred marriage of Zeus and Hera occurring in mid-February which was associated with fertility but no actual link was found between the two.
Regardless of the history, Valentine's Day has been an object of consumerism where a study in US showed that men spent more during this period to buy gifts for women. Flower companies, chocolate companies and other lovey dovey items profit so much from this day and it is the second most celebrated day in US after Christmas.
The culture has spread all around the world, and most people would celebrate the day as a day to remember your love ones. I still remembered when I was 5, and it was Valentines, and the teacher in school asked us to make greeting cards for our parents and I made one for my mum and dad. My mum's card had a large rose on it with a big red hear, dad's one was blue with a big red heart and I ran back home with the cards to give them to my parents. And I received one card from an anonymous admirer, but I was 5, so I can't remember exactly who it was.
The habit continues on even after I returned to Malaysia, where I would still make Valentine cards for my parents uptill highschool I stopped. I don't remember why but perhaps it was due to teenage conflict. Sometimes I wish my mum was still around, I would have made her a beautiful card and throw in some roses for her just to show how much I care about her. Alas this year I will be celebrating with my baby girl - maybe go visit my godsister and her baby who's having a birthday party tomorrow.
No romantic dinners or dates? Nope. This year I'm completely single and have been for more than 6 months now. Any guys in lieu, maybe not yet. Besides, its not like we celebrate giri-choco here, if not I'll be so broke. Well happy loving day everybody.......
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