Perspectives.....

I have kept myself very busy lately with a lot of external activities from my clinic. Partly was because I am bracing myself for yet another month of minimal salary just to purge my business through, partly due to the recent events that has caused myself a lot of emotional stress.

God is fair, I remind myself everyday. In the absence of my full payroll, he has given chance to other sources of income to help me get through the month. I now find myself sitting as a private consultant on beautician training panel for the country, offering my expertise as an aesthetic doctor as well as my experience in government works. We are working up a new syllabus for beauticians, and since I'm already in, they have to call me in for each and every discussion. Tiring, but at least I know that I am doing all I can to sustain my family, besides contributing to the nation. This Wednesday I will be helping out my friend Dr Azwan as a full day locum at Hospital Al-Islam in Kampung Baru. I have never really been involved in ED work, although I spent a lot of time there during my specialty calls. The pay is not as much as consulting work but at least I get to brush up on my clinical and emergency skills, just pray that I'm not as Jonah there than when I was working full time in the government. Yet, you never know. As my sister always say, " With Adik there is never a dull moment."

Last weekend, I was involved with NOSS meeting for 2 days finishing on Saturday night at around 8. I had room reservations in Genting on Saturday night because I promised my best friend Farah to join her at the peak. I reached home at 9.30pm, tired as hell. My kids were waiting expectantly for me to return. I really just wanted to go up and sleep, but it was their weekend with me, I felt I owed them some private time. So by 10pm, I packed everyone into the car, left my maid at home alone and drove to the nearby convenient store to stock up on some supplies. I started my journey at 10.30 pm, and reached the top 10 minutes after 11. The whole Genting was packed with people, that parking was crazy. Aina looked at me and said "Wow, so many people, no wonder KL is empty. They are all up here." We shared a room with Farah and her hubby and son. Managed to get 2 hours of sleep, and the next day, I took my babies on the indoor rides. It was all fogged up outside. It was exhausting but fun, I'll upload the pictures into facebook later.

We drove down at 5 and reached KL before 6. I was really craving for my coffee already. My angels were asleep already and I had no radio (I left it in Farah's car). We reached home and I fell asleep until almost 8, when my girls came jumping on the bed. "Mummy, we're hungry."

Groggy from exhaustion and lack of sleep, I quickly showered, do my prayers, and pack all my kids into the car. Both wanted Chili's, so we went to KLCC for dinner. Its been a long time since I had both of them for Chilli's. They loved it, definitely.

Despite spending only 24+ hours with Aina, we talked more this time. She was telling me about having to follow her dad and family to Nilai 3 to look for bunga telur. I asked her casually when the big day is, but her father never told her the precise date. She kept asking whether she could come live with me if her dad got married. Being as diplomatic as I could, I told her it was her call and that is something she must discuss with her father and only if he agrees, then I'll talk to him about it. Its not that I don't want my daughter to live with me, but the pain of going up and down court for 2 years and having to separate them at the end was still fresh. Plus, I have agreed that Aina was my ex-'s responsibility, so he should make the call not me.

She also broached the subject of her dad telling her to call his new wife 'Mami'. The problem is, both my kids call me Mama and Mummy - depending on their mood. She doesn't want to call her 'Mami' because to her, she already has a mum which is me. I told her to discuss it with her dad, try to come to a proper consensus. Inside, I was cursing my ex with so many different languages. Could he at least be a bit more sensitive to my child's feelings? Aina is already 7, she is not dumb. The least you can do is to tell her nicely that you are remarrying, discuss with her that there will be a new woman living in the house, and ask her what she feels suitable for her to call the new lady, and negotiate intelligently. She's a child, not a pet. Don't treat her as if she doesn't understand what's going on. Nabilah is different because she is young and still unable to grasp the events happening.

In this situation, I completely differ from a lot of other people. If it was me marrying again, I told Aina simply, I wouldn't tell you what you should call my husband. You would have to decide, based on what you are comfortable with as long as it is a respectful nickname. My father never imposed on us to call his wife mum. We all call her Lela and she is happier at that.

My concept is very simple. I realize I am a woman with 2 children. Despite whatever I do, they will always be my children with my ex-husband. If a guy were smart enough to want me to be their companion in life, I wouldn't impose to him to be father to my 2 existing daughters. Instant fatherhood is stressful especially when they are not of your own. I won't expect the guy to do anything for my kids. I would cater for them myself as I have already done all this while. If he wants to be a father, then by all means, yeah let's start producing some of our own. I am highly fertile. If he feels that he wants to treat my children as his own daughters, by all means. But its okay if he just wants to be like an uncle. I'm confident I can do this because I don't really need a man in the first place. I'm well equipped to trudge along on my own. The only thing a man can add to my life is sex and more kids, if he wants to. Companionship is a bonus.

I know a lot of people may not agree on my opinion, but there is nothing in the Holy Book that says if your dad remarries you have to call his wife 'mother'. That is all culture. I will not be a lesser person if I do not uphold certain cultures. But that is just me, unique.