Eve of my birthday............

It is the eve of my birthday and I have just returned from a nice coffee and cake treat courtesy of Miss Haze.... Thanks babe... first cake and birthday song for the year. Really appreciate it.

Prior to that I was in Bukit Kiara cemetery paying homage to my late mother. It is my 10th birthday without her and as the years goes by, it doesn't seem to be any easier for me. I told her about the things happening in my life, the good things, the upsetting stuff, well I know some may think its blasphemous to talk to a tombstone, but its where I feel her closest, and somehow I believe she does listen - perhaps not as bothered. I really missed her so much, just 29 years ago I was still in her womb just about to come out the next day. I felt like a little child once more, hugging a memory that is so old. I still remember how she smiled, her voice, her style, her cooking. I remembered the time when she was sick, and the time I was called to the hospital at 5 am where she expired. The look on her face as I bathed her and kissed her forehead the very last time before escorting her body to the cemetery. Its been almost 10 years, but the memory is still so vivid, it felt like yesterday. I wept. I wished I could still hug and kiss her, and tell her how much I loved her - but I knew that it was already her time, so God must take her. Because she was taken from me, which is what made me stronger, if not I'd still be a spoilt rich brat. Perhaps my life would have been so much different?

Despite all the wistful thinking, I think if given a chance, I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't be who I am now if not for the things that happened in the past. Everything that happened, happened for a reason. It is up to ourselves to learn and understand what God wanted us to learn.

It will be my birthday soon, a start of a new year for my life. I get so excited going through each and every one because I know with every birthday, there is renewed confidence, renewed love and renewed character. I'm a better person every time my birthday comes around and I'm proud of being who I am. It is an incredible milestone compared to years before.

Thinking back compared to last year, despite the lack of crazy festivities, I think I have grown a bit wiser than last year and overall I am a lot happier than before. Yes, I may have broken my heart on a guy who took me for granted, but honestly, I'm really cool about it now. I have my closure, despite not able to meet him face to face, but I suddenly realized that God have better things installed for me in life, to waste my time on a man who doesn't even realize half my worth. Only an idiot would turn down a wonderful, beautiful, successful, sexy and intelligent woman like me. God loves me enough to not let me be owned by a man who would not be able to appreciate the goodness in me. The right one will come definitely. Lets see where the story goes.....

So sleepy... need to take my beauty sleep..... tomorrow is the most important day of the year. My birthday.

I'm just tired....

Have you ever come to one point of your life where you just feel so tired that you just want to not do anything until the lethargy passes?

I guess I am exhausted - physically, mentally, emotionally tired. Its hard when you are on your own doing so many things, and you don't really have anybody you can confide in that would understand you. Or for the better part just listen - or even if you don't feel like talking, just to hold you, so that you don't feel so alone in the world. So that you realize that there is someone to turn to, someone who actually cares.

Sometimes I envy other people who have very simple and easy lives, sometimes I question God when will all my drama end? When will I be able to settle down and lead a proper stable life? I'm barely reaching 30, but I feel like I've lived almost 60 years on this planet. I'm tired of the things I have to go through everyday, I'm bored of doing things alone.

2 years of singlehood, it is actually quite a task to live alone again. Like I always tell my single friends, you cannot miss what you never had. Unfortunately, I had it all but it disappeared. Now perhaps I am self-sabotaging myself by putting such high standards for a to-be partner and aiming for unrealistic goals.

A lot of guys tell me I am highly attractive and I would have no problem in getting a new mate. But would there be one who is willing to sacrifice himself for my happiness? Someone that would keep me smiling despite all the crisis I have to face and go through, somebody who would love to spend time with me without trying to get me to have sex with him. Someone who does not calculate the minutes of our conversations, and understands that I am an expressive being which needs to express herself and not ignore me. I don't want a man 24 hours by my side, but at least to understand that I am just human, and I need emotional support.

I'm tired of looking or even trying anymore. I guess if someone really likes me or loves me, he would definitely say so and get straight to the point. Love is suppose to be unconditioned, lust on the other hand needs plenty of rules to not get out of hand.

Honestly, I don't know what is really bothering me now. Maybe i just need to rest. I'm so tired.

If you are as smart as you think you are....

Today a had a nice visit from a young friend. We chatted about a lot of things, and one of the things that stuck to my head was a conversation about smart people. I was telling her, how I feel that I have to find a guy who can match my hyperactive brain or else I would drown in boredom. I related to her one of my blind date stories where I went out with a guy who may have well have half the IQ I was having, and I was bored stiff, and even had time to befriend the bar tender (for the record, I only drink mocktails and plain water).

She then told me about some of her colleagues who are extremely smart in academics but completely refused to go out and enjoy life, thus complains that her life is unhappy. And thus, my question goes - Is she as smart as she think she is? Yes definitely she is smart in academics, but academics does not account for everything.

This is my idea of a highly intelligent person. When I was younger, most my colleagues would regard me as a bright student who is normally top of the class. But when I started working, I had many colleagues who were extremely smart but their life were not so happy, and they were not as rich as they would like to be. Since then I started thinking, am I as smart as I think I am?

To me a smart person is not only good with knowledge but is also good at applying knowledge to have a happier and more meaningful life. From there I challenged myself. I told myself if I am as smart as most people think I am, I would definitely be able to make my riches and also live a happy life. It wasn't just about scientific data and evidence based statistics. It was a more holistic approach of using whatever knowledge God has given you to live a meaningful and satisfactory life.