This is it....... relief mission.........

It has been a hectic week and I think I've donned down too many caffeine and super vitamins that my body can handle. Its finally Saturday, the 14th. My tickets confirmed, my bags are packed, I'm ready to go... or am I?

Passport and money checked... just need to trade in some rupiah before I leave to go to the airport. It is a great change..... despite the fact that I had a caffeine overdose last night...... and ended up sleeping around 2 hours only. I feel like shit but I'll survive... just another cup of latte would do, and perhaps some proper breakfast.

I have to admit, this is a nice change. A funny way of God forcing me to go on vacation from all the hectic happenings of my life. Yes, I've been hurt, I was depressed, my heart crushed, my spirits dampened - being sent for a relief mission perhaps is the one thing that can help me get back on my feet. Going to a place of disaster, seeing people's suffering first hand, and sparing all your energy and brains to help them. What better way to make me forget my petty problems. Other people have more profound issues than I do. I am starting to see why God directed me to go in the first place.

I have always believed that everything that happens around me occurs for some reason. There is no probability of chance. Everything is planned according to God's will, it depends on us how we interpret and make good use of it. Everything that occurs has a reason - every happiness we get, every trouble we encounter, every person we meet. People may not agree with me, but this is how I perceive the world. And I have told myself before that God Almighty is my first lover, and because of this I believe he will protect me from any harm, he will give me strength to do the things I have to do, and as long as I believe it, I can achieve anything he has planned for me to do. No love for a man can ever replace this. Its not even worth it. I'm not saying that I plan to remain single the rest of my life, but I would if that is God's willing.

I'm just praying I come home safe and sound, so that I can kiss and hug my babies again. Its thrilling and exciting and scary at the same time, but God will guide me, I will do great, and my clinic will be good even in my absence, and some good Samaritan will help me overcome my company dilemma, so everything will be just fine. Amen.

I am happy single.... so don't push it..

It has been a stressful and hectic 2 months. Things are not all rosy in the corporate world that I have started to indulge in. Maybe the toll of trying to solve too many things have taken onto my mood and happiness of late. Unfortunately, I don't really have anyone that I can just vent out all my frustrations and would not judge me and just understand. Everyone tend to judge whatever I do, perhaps because I couldn't really explain in too detail the things going about, and perhaps also for them to comprehend what I'm going through is not easy. I have accepted it at that, thus I keep to myself concerning my work and try my best to solve whatever turmoil I am having step by step. I am starting to see some light to my massive problem and they maybe yet a fairy tale ending to all this.
But what is upsetting me is not really about work. Few days ago, I had a friendly call from my neighbour asking me how I was and then started asking me about whether I had any boyfriends and when I am planning to remarry. She was concerned that I was single and told me it wasn't healthy to be single for a long time as I may end up depressed like a few of her cousins. Okay, I swallowed it as that. Then I received a call from my sister and she was berating me on why I bother looking for a Malay soulmate, go find a nice decent Caucasian and that I should get myself a boyfriend ASAP.
Yes, I do admit sometimes I do feel lonely since I have spent almost 10 years in a steady relationship but the 10 years has also taught me an important lesson which is its not about having somebody but its more of having 'the' somebody that will love and treat you fairly that you are comfortable with and who will protect you, your faith and your family. It took me almost 30 years to realize what type of man would suit me, perhaps I have found some men who fit the certain criterias that I need, but I'm not going to jump into relationship just because my neighbour, my friends or my family is worried that I'll be single and depressed. I'm far from depressed. I'm actually happy with my life except for the minor glitch at work.
And besides I cannot commit to any man now, not when my baby girl is just learning to speak properly. Not when my ex is remarrying and my kids need me for emotional support, not when my company is still unstable, not when I have still have a long way to go to settle my liabilities and not when I'm still learning to enjoy my single life. I would estimate another year or two before I would be ready enough to focus on another man, to be fair to him and make the marriage work.
Because to me, getting myself involved in a serious relationship would require a lot of lifestyle changes. After all, I would be married to the family as well not just the guy. I would need to allocate time for him and his family, on top of my own time for myself and my family, and my job. It would be possible once I've gone through all the hurdles I need to now. I would need to adapt to living with a man again, and everyone being their own island, would definitely need time getting use to.
Therefore, I can't just settle down with any man. The guy would be someone who really loves me and willing to understand my complicated life and willing to allow me to settle it one by one. Someone who can love my children so that if anything ever happened to me, they would still be taken cared for. Someone who has his own thing going, so that he won't be too bothered with me being busy as I am, as long as we make time for each other. Someone who will guide me closer to God, because at the end of the day, all things in the world are material, and we will die and meet our Creator hopefully in the best form.
So, its not that simple. Its not just about getting a guy to get laid and settle down. So don't push it. I will know when I'm ready and when I've found the right guy. Besides, God will guide me definitely.