Musings....

I met up with a few friends today discussing potential future business opportunities and exchanging contacts. Usually when girls get together, the common question I get asked is about men.

"Mar, why don't you go and tackle a nice rich Dato'. You are young, attractive, smart and sophisticated. I can introduce you to some." I just smiled. Its not the first time someone asked me that question. She kept on saying how much money you can make, things you can get. Oh well, everyone has their own opinion to what they perceive of happiness.

I told her frankly, it is not about the money. For me, its more of the companionship. Love, wealth and fortune are things you need to put some effort in. Marriage is not suppose to be a quick lottery ticket to wealth, although many women wish they marry a rich and stable man so that their life would be easy. Well, sometimes I wish my thinking was that simple, but being me, as how God has created me, I just can't go with a guy for the sake of money.

I always believe that there is enough wealth to go around and if you ask God for some of his wealth he will grant it to you if you've worked hard enough. I proved that in a way by obtaining my prestige clinic in Starhill. I prayed day and night for God to help me obtain it, and now it is almost completely mine. Just a little more effort.

When it comes to men, well I am extremely picky. Not really for my sake, but rather theirs. I will never broach any subject of a relationship unless I am pretty sure I can be a good companion to him. Similarly, I don't tell a guy I want to be his wife unless I am pretty confident that I can do a good job and that I won't run astray. I did a mistake once accepting a guy's proposal of marriage only after 3 months of getting to know the person well, and then broke his heart. He did a mistake of proposing on my birthday since I wanted a birthday gift regardless whether it was a proposal gift for marriage. Unfortunately, the ring went missing one day, which was a sign that the relationship was not going to last anyway. I reevaluated the situation and I realized I couldn't be a good wife to him regardless of how much I try to negotiate the situation. He's still mad at me perhaps, but its for his benefit. I told him straight to his face that if I did marry him, the marriage won't even last 2 years, and I do not plan to get divorced a second time. Life is too short to go through the heart break twice.

I received a few calls from close friends and family worried about my recent distress. A lot of comments were given including pretty nasty words about the guy in question. For the record, we were never an item. I liked him and he knows it, he likes me as a friend but we haven't decided to take on a serious relationship despite 2 years gone by and despite how much I may be in love with him. Yeah, some argue saying that he knew I liked him and that he should have been honest to begin with but like I said, we were not an item, so being a guy he doesn't feel obliged to share any heart related information with me (although I did have a strong feeling from the beginning). Its not that I am making excuses for him, but this is something that he has to decide for himself.

If I were in his shoes, I'd be terribly confused. God puts two beautiful women in front of you and asks you to choose. Do you want a woman who is incredibly capable and talented and loves you for you but have other external issues surrounding her or would you go for the woman you had a long history with and your heart still aches for despite her short comings but refused your proposal before? Both have their strengths and weaknesses. It is not an easy decision. I guess this is God's test to him. I just pray he makes the right decision for his happiness. So lay off the harmful comments, it is a very difficult decision to make.

Besides, it is a process he needs to go through. God is All-knowing. I think I am beginning to understand why this situation transpired. It is to give him a chance to think and decide. Because if he didn't decide, he will never be happy. If I entered a relationship with him whilst his heart still misses another woman and he hasn't decided to close that chapter, he will never be able to love me fully and he may suddenly run back to her even if we were married. Similarly, if he chose to marry his long-time lover without deciding what to do with me, there would be a possibility of him running back into my arms for comfort when things are not as rosy. It is good for him to decide and make a stand. I have a feeling, he is still contemplating whether he has made the right move for the right reasons or not. Oh well, let him be. It is between himself and God. All I can do is pray that God guides him to grant him his happiness since he wanted me to pray for his happiness. Although I may be hurt by his decision, but out of love for him, as I have told him before, if it is God's will that he should choose another and will be happy with her, then by all means I would have to accept. Even though I know that I would be excellent for him, but it is up to him and God to decide. All I can do is pray for both our sakes, the best for both of us.

It is a hectic month and by the end of it I have a high possibility of being sent for relief mission since its almost my turn now. For the matters of the heart, I am leaving it to God's hands. Hopefully he has mercy on both of us. Amen.