Lessons from the past......

I have been pretty down for the past few months since this whole company restructuring ordeal. It was mentally, physically and emotionally draining especially when you are not at liberty to control decisions in other people's hands. You try your best to survive, despite the many frustrations of being let down.

Its true when people say when you are not at your best, the whole world seem to be against you. Everyone seems to be against you and trying to make your life difficult. This was how I was few weeks back. I was negotiating things until I reached a brick wall. There are days I just felt like swimming out to sea and not come back. I was down, I was frustrated. With my career, my business, my family and even my non-existent love life. Not to mention the empty spot in my wallet. I was broke basically, whatever money I had was for my kid, my home and my debts. Going on without salary for more than 2 months really makes you wanna drive into a wall and if you are lucky enough to survive, claim insurance to cover for a lot of stuff. But I still had God on my side, every day I reminded myself that it was blashphemous to even harbour those thoughts, but God would understand, I'm just human.

All I needed was for someone to just understand what a difficult time I'm going through and to remind me there is someone there for me, that I am not completely alone. Unfortunately, when you are going through shit, most of your friends would keep their distance because they too do not know what to do, or perhaps some fear that you may ask for their help, or sometimes they think you need to be alone. Some alone time is good, but when you have too much of it, it becomes a burden.

Maybe that is why God sent my best friend back to me during this Raya holiday. I haven't met him in almost a year or maybe less, time flies so fast when you deal problems everyday. Usually he'd avoid seeing me, but I guess he sensed something amiss. I hugged him tight and cried for a good 10 minutes. I was hurting so bad inside, with the company issue, the debts surrounding it, the debts surrounding me, my kids, my loneliness, my family. He was surprised to see me so vulnerable, I was usually a tough cookie. "Its okay Marr, you get through this, you always do. You have it built inside of you, no one can ever take that away." He said, his eyes sincerely believing what he said.

I paused. Despite how simple his words were, they rang true. I guess I must have forgotten with all the turmoil around me. I am one of the toughest chics alive. I have gone through family dispute, rejection, dissolution, an abusive past, peer boycott, a step mum, being denounced as a daughter, outcast for 10 years, an insincere marriage, childbirth, child deformity requiring surgery, divorce, child custody fight and a lot more. There was a time I had to work and study just to pay rent and keep food on the table. There was a time when I had to for go all my luxuries and live minimally. I have seen life given, I have seen death and revived the dying. I have worked more than 40 hours in a row, I've worked months without rest - I mean, this is a small glitch in my life. I can overcome this. God knows it, I just need to believe it.

I stopped crying and smiled "Yes, you are right. Thank you for believing in me." And from then on I knew I would be okay.

And sure enough, things began falling into place.
I have a renewed confidence in what I want and will definitely achieve.
I am not going to let myself self sabotage myself. In terms of loneliness, yes definitely I would like a mate. But perhaps now is not the best time. I need to get through these hurdles first. Besides, my best friend gave me a nice scolding for baring my heart to be ripped apart like that. Normally I command men, not the other way round. Its what makes men more attracted to me. No more Miss Nice. The bad girl's come out to play.

I am unsure what tomorrow will bring. Nobody knows. But at least I can rely mainly on myself, and God is there to protect me, I know I will be okay.

To my best friend, you may be confused to what I am so grateful for. I'm just so glad I still have you, someone who truly understands who I am. Pity we are star crossed, if not it would have made both our lives easier.

Sometimes we don't realize good things until it is gone...

Its been a hectic month. Its Ramadhan and its fasting most of the days and the nights are suppose to be filled with prayer activities. Its such a short month, even as I write this, its a week before Raya and all the celebrations start.

This year I will be celebrating Raya alone without my kids. I would have my sisters, but Raya to them is just waking up in the morning for some Raya food, Raya prayers (but funny usually I go alone) and perhaps later a drive to Bukit Kiara memorial to visit my late mother's grave. Then back home and TV hogging likely - or sleep. Unless of course they decide to come with me, and attend some Raya invites. So far, this year I have yet to receive any invites. I'm not so bothered either, since its a pretty tight situation at the company and therefore I have actually decided that I will not spend for myself this Raya, whatever money I get is for my kids. Tomorrow I plan to get some Raya stuff for them (courtesy of their grandpa). My dad is right, despite how much I'm keeping my Raya budget down this year, but kids are kids.... should at least show some celebration mood for them. As for myself, I don't really care about getting myself any Raya clothes. I wouldn't have a budget for it anyway, so lets just forget about adding any new raya clothes to my wardrobe.

I met up with a good friend one day and she was telling me about a guy she liked, and that she couldn't stop thinking about him. Unfortunately, she lost contact with him, because he told her that he was seeing another girl and he thinks he likes her. My friend just kept quiet about it because she did not know how to respond. However, turn of events, she started to contact the guy again, and it went smooth until a few days later, he told her that he was serious with the other girl. Despite this situation, the guy still wants to be friends. My friend was hurting inside because she loved him. Well, recently, this guy was in the area, and so I told my friend to go see him to find out whether her feelings were true, and were does the guy stand. He was good to her, but he told her he was serious with the other girl. They hugged and he kissed her forehead before they parted. My friend cried over it, but I guess it was best to let go. The guy has decided. Simple as that. It may be the wrong or the right decision for him but the important thing is that the decision has been made. End of story.

In a way, I do play a counselor therapist role to many of my friends. Coming across a situation like this has started me thinking. I'm happy single, but secretly I fell in love with a very unique guy. He knows about it, for quite a while now and somehow rather, despite denying any feelings for me and wanting to just be friends, there is a strong attraction between the two of us. Unfortunately, my dilemma is, I don't know where I stand. Yes, we are good friends, yes we understand most parts of each other, yes he is definitely weird, and yes I'm not a highly patient person. Its funny because I can help solve other people's relationship issues, and when it comes to my own - actually I am not sure whether there is a relationship to begin with.

When I listen to my brain - well, it is telling me to forget the whole charade, concentrate on my work and studies, and once I've stabilized myself, well I can find a better person who will love me for the unique person I am and appreciate my talents. Worst come to worst, if I don't find that person, well I have two kids already, what else do I need?

When I listen to my heart - it tells me to relax, wait and smell the roses. I need a fulcrum to stabilize my life. The weird thing is, this guy actually has what it takes to keep that balance in me. A part of me knows very well that I can't wait forever, and my patience is drying thin. Its not that I'm in such a hurry to tie the knot, but at least knowing that this is not a waste of my time really helps to put things into perspective. I fear that once I have decided that I will not be committing myself to any man, my next 5-year plan would be extremely hectic that I would not have time to think of having a man.

Being an ear to listen to similar problems as such, I would usually tell my friends to wake up and just forget about the guy completely. Why torture yourself loving a guy who you aren't sure would love you too? Why wait for a person who can't decide to be with you or not? If he is taking too long, means he is not interested enough in you to make it worth while. Its just a reality you have to accept.

I'm just giving myself a holiday from all this. Whatever will be, shall be. God knows what's best for me. For that lucky guy, at some point you'll have to decide. But don't take too long because sometimes we don't realize good things until it is gone......