There are so many things happening or not so happening to my life now. I guess its the biggest obstacle of the year for me but it has a slight twist. I'm not facing this alone as I use to when I was younger. I have children now, who depend completely on me.
It makes a lot of difference in how I would react to a situation. Yes perhaps now I am at one of my lowest points, but I can't give up easily - nor could I actually express my deepest frustrations. My kid is watching, it will be unfair for her to see me in agony. Which would explain why after tucking her to bed and kissing her good night did tears finally start pouring out of my eyes. It felt strange, I haven't really cried in such a long time. Somewhat a relief, as it reminded me I was still human, I still had emotion left. There are times I felt so numb that I don't feel anymore - no hurt, no pain, no sadness, no anger, nothing - when I should be, especially with all the lies and promises unkept to me, the humiliation of having to beg agreeable terms which could have been avoided if only the promises were kept in the initial part.
There are times where I really wished I had someone to just hold me and let me cry. Understand me without me having to explain, and for once didn't need anything from me except for me to be happy. But human beings are selfish creatures, we can dream the ideal, yet reality bites. But when I look at my angels, me is completely over-rated. It is them that I worry most about.
So I'm just begging God, please if you were to test me, test me but please leave my children out of it. Help me put food on the table and whatever nutrition they need, help me keep my shelter and transport for them to live. Help me overcome whatever obstacle I am going through with continuous hope and a smile on my face, so that they would not feel that something is wrong. Shelter them from whatever that may come and grow them to be strong confident children. Help me provide them the best education and tools for the future. Help me be there for them always and help me be fair to them no matter what ails my lonely heart. And please don't ever make them see me cry, unless tears of happiness because it will not be fair for them. The divorce has already taken a toll on their hearts, to see their mummy suffer will hurt them more. So dear God, if there is any mercy left in you, spare them of all this by making me stronger and aiding me through this dark time of mine so that I can focus more on them who need me rather than myself. Amen.
Showing posts with label kids. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kids. Show all posts
Monday, August 3, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
Migraine...
Today I think I had the worst migraine in the past few months. Despite going through my teens with excruciating pain since the beginning of puberty, I have long evolved from the persistent pill popping teenager to a more natural approach of aromatherapy and relaxation techniques to control pain.
Yet today being of all days, I ended getting a massive attack in the middle of a public area. Luckily I recognized my tipsiness and quickly reached for some aromatherapy oil in my bag if not I think I may have fainted there and then there would be a scene. I must have gone all white, partly because of the sudden pang of pain over my left hemisphere, partly because of the nauseous feeling from my inner gut. Quickly made my way to the ladies where I vomited twice. Stupid ass toilet had bidets inserted except hoses. Nothing much came out except water.
I was accompanying a friend of mine to the property expo whilst doing some of my own research. Yeah, I guess she must have worried, especially since I had a long history of migraine while in school.
The journey home wasn't as pleasant, I got stuck in an hour jam back to Starhill where I had one patient waiting. After that the drive home was quite a task because I was starting to feel numb on one side. Yes I know the description sounds like a transient ischaemic attack, but I can assure you I do not have a high blood pressure to begin with.
Honestly if you ask me how I felt, it was as if half my body refused to respond. It felt numb. Even to my fingers. I drove with one hand, one foot (lucky it was an automatic care) and blurred vision of perhaps a power of 12/6 instead of my usual 4/6.
Of all the while, there was intervals of pain over the left hemisphere of my head all the way down to my nape. It felt like someone was squeezing one part of my brain. My mouth felt heavy, I kept quiet and I had to switch the radio off because my left ear was hurting.
I reached home in one piece, mumbled something to my maid, went upstairs and immediately went up to my room and sat in the darkness. My baby girl was upset I only kissed her and then went up - luckily managed to persuade her to wait for her sister to come. Sitting in the dark soothed part of the photophobia I was having, but I also felt like Alice in Wonderland with the flashes of lightning in my head. Was it painful, definitely, subconsciously I gripped my hand hard until I left marks on it. Trying my best to relax, I managed to lull myself to sleep because I was already so so exhausted.
Usually I would sleep directly 10-12 hours depending on how severe the attack was and wake up as hungry as a caveman. Unfortunately, with two kids about, it was short lived to only an hour 28 minutes.Forcing myself out of bed to attend to the two screaming brats, I felt like my left side was hit by a car or something. Every muscle on the left side ached. My head still throbbed but not as bad.
I got up, took a cold shower and downed down as much cold water I could because I just felt so thirsty. After feeding the two angels, I finally unwind to sleep, the little one still awake singing to me. I'm just praying that by the time I wake up tomorrow the pain is gone. It would be quite unfair for my kids if I slept most of the time. Well let's how tomorrow goes.
Yet today being of all days, I ended getting a massive attack in the middle of a public area. Luckily I recognized my tipsiness and quickly reached for some aromatherapy oil in my bag if not I think I may have fainted there and then there would be a scene. I must have gone all white, partly because of the sudden pang of pain over my left hemisphere, partly because of the nauseous feeling from my inner gut. Quickly made my way to the ladies where I vomited twice. Stupid ass toilet had bidets inserted except hoses. Nothing much came out except water.
I was accompanying a friend of mine to the property expo whilst doing some of my own research. Yeah, I guess she must have worried, especially since I had a long history of migraine while in school.
The journey home wasn't as pleasant, I got stuck in an hour jam back to Starhill where I had one patient waiting. After that the drive home was quite a task because I was starting to feel numb on one side. Yes I know the description sounds like a transient ischaemic attack, but I can assure you I do not have a high blood pressure to begin with.
Honestly if you ask me how I felt, it was as if half my body refused to respond. It felt numb. Even to my fingers. I drove with one hand, one foot (lucky it was an automatic care) and blurred vision of perhaps a power of 12/6 instead of my usual 4/6.
Of all the while, there was intervals of pain over the left hemisphere of my head all the way down to my nape. It felt like someone was squeezing one part of my brain. My mouth felt heavy, I kept quiet and I had to switch the radio off because my left ear was hurting.
I reached home in one piece, mumbled something to my maid, went upstairs and immediately went up to my room and sat in the darkness. My baby girl was upset I only kissed her and then went up - luckily managed to persuade her to wait for her sister to come. Sitting in the dark soothed part of the photophobia I was having, but I also felt like Alice in Wonderland with the flashes of lightning in my head. Was it painful, definitely, subconsciously I gripped my hand hard until I left marks on it. Trying my best to relax, I managed to lull myself to sleep because I was already so so exhausted.
Usually I would sleep directly 10-12 hours depending on how severe the attack was and wake up as hungry as a caveman. Unfortunately, with two kids about, it was short lived to only an hour 28 minutes.Forcing myself out of bed to attend to the two screaming brats, I felt like my left side was hit by a car or something. Every muscle on the left side ached. My head still throbbed but not as bad.
I got up, took a cold shower and downed down as much cold water I could because I just felt so thirsty. After feeding the two angels, I finally unwind to sleep, the little one still awake singing to me. I'm just praying that by the time I wake up tomorrow the pain is gone. It would be quite unfair for my kids if I slept most of the time. Well let's how tomorrow goes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)