In the middle of the night.....

Sometimes the only time you have for yourself is in the middle of the night. Yes, it may be crazy to stay up late just for that moment but when you have two kids like I do, well you would start to savour any moment of me time you can get even though it is in the middle of the night. This is my me time, usually the time I have the most inspiration to write about things that troubles my head or heart.
It is almost a new year, it is already a new year in Islamic calender. A lot has passed in the past one year, and I guess I have changed dramatically. But perhaps it is just the outer me that has changed, the inner me still remains the same, God's curious child who looks at the world as a medium to explore the fullest potential.
Recently I attended a wedding of one of my old friends. I've known her since we were 18. But during her wedding, it strucked me as how much I didn't know about her. And I regard myself as a friend, well honestly, I myself felt embarassed. Yes I knew her and her fiance, I knew her mum - but other than that I was completely clueless about the other people in her life. In that short ceremony that I attended, I questioned myself over and over again, as to how could I be completely ignorant of my old friend that I have known for the past 10 years. To my friend, I compeltely apologize, I guess I haven't really been there for you all these years, but hopefully you'll let me be there for you for the years to come - deal?
After the wedding, I dropped by my clinic fo awhile. Its more of a habit rather than anything. I'm just so attached to my new baby. After the short clinic trip, I went home and took everyone in my house to visit my brother over the long weekend. Yes, it was a wonderful weekend, I must say I had tremendous fun. I guess when you put aside worries, woes and complaints, there is nothing left except pure happiness. What is there to complain about when you have good food, good company and exciting activities to do like sitting in front of a waterfall and feeling your butt go numb due to the rapids. All thanks to my brother and his wife, God bless them for welcoming us to their home. It was just a matter of instincts to drive all the way there, I only decided on the Saturday.
God certainly gives us love in many ways. In the absence of a soul mate, I find fulfillment in spending time with my kids and family and at one point, I couldn't care less if I did have a partner. I was already happy, thus another man in my life was not a necessity. Especially not in the current moment when the chapter with the old one has yet to be closed. Still I do believe God will give me someone in time, because I have dreamt of my baby boy with his bald head and pink skin. Its funny but I always dream of my babies few years before I conceive them. It was true for Aina as well as Nabilah. However, for the time being, I'm learning to love God as much as God loves me, so whoever wants my heart would have to ask it from God first. As for keeping myself out of boredom, I've devoted these next 3 years to my businesses and my babies. Maybe the 30s era would bring new light to whatever my destiny in life is suppose to be.

Another day another week

I haven't been writing on my blog, partly because I was physically busy, but mainly because I was emotionally hurt and upset. Like most writers, I have to be in a quite good mood to write good things, otherwise my writings would be melancholius and disturbing.
The past week has been extremely depressing. First of all, my ex-husband failed to send my kids on the appropriate day because his grandfather was ill, so he took them over the weekend. Why I made such a fuss was because I freed this weekend to spend with my girls because I know I have a hectic schedule. so now I have to readjust the weekends and the last weekend of school I've arranged to go to Melaka to send my sister back, and thus makes it even more depressing to change weeks, plus the fact the kids are starting school in January, which wasn't really helping. Now I am in a dilemma on how to organize my time in order to fit all the required needs.
On top of that, my bestfriend and her boyfriend broke up. Both were very close to me, so it makes me sit on a very awkward position. She chose the other guy, which is an asshole no doubt, but she's made her choice so I just put a sock in it. After all, it is her life. But unfortunately she is suffering. And the jerk guy she chose, treats her like rubbish. Shouting and screaming at her everyday, controlling her every move. What I don't understand, why can't she treat her nicely. If you have so much vengeance towards her then by all means just let her go. At least God will be more merciful towards you and send you someone else for you to love. Since I'm close to the other boyfriend, this jerk guy doesn't allow me to go out or even talk to my bestfriend. And after that one particular night of histeria, I guess I'm not in the mood to contact my bestfriend either. I guess a guy makes so much difference in friendship. Hmm....
And in all this madness, Hurairah fell sick. So I had to take her to the vet. She needed admission, but luckily it wasn't cat flu. Now its time to catch Nyot before he fals sick also.

Its almost the end of the year...

It is almost the end of the year and I'm still as busy as hell. Well, I sometimes believe that I keep myself busy because I just want to forget the void of loneliness that surrounds my unfortunate soul. I guess I haven't reached that state of nirwana, where you won't ever feel alone because you understand and feel the presence of God. But I'm just human, even Adam wished for Eve despite sitting in heaven, what else myself, an insignificant servant who dwells earth which is the between heaven and hell. Yeah, I guess reality bites.
So many things occurred in the past few weeks that I should have written about, except I was to absorbed with my current new job and company. There was a bad landslide at Bukit Antarabangsa, which conveniently my ABIM friends forgot to call me to come and help. I heard that some residents were stranded up there for a few days, but then the commotion about the government should pay compensation, but then again they are living on private land, so it becomes an issue. Then the Eastern states have started the yearly flood problem, especially in Terengganu. Although I was suppose to go but I had to pull out last minute due to a sudden resignation by my staff (okay I resigned her I admit) which caused me to have to sit in the clinic during a Saturday (plus I had a laser that day).
On top of all this, my new company expansion into the food business is also draining my mental energy as I have to come up with a business proposal for the new place, which was also due to my stubborness of wanting the place for my own. But I saw great potential in the shop, and I'm not a lady that would turn down good opportunities easy. Yes, my stressful workaholic life. Its actually a blessing that my kids go off for a week, but in a way, I miss them so much that I barely want to do anything more.
Which comes back to the issue of being alone and lonely. Its not that I do not want any relationship at the current moment but I guess I'm married to my business since its the one thing that hopefully will not hurt me. But then again, many a times I find myself in need of a sparring partner (no, not in bed) i.e. to sparr ideas with me because i have so many, it helps me focus better and refute ridiculous ones. And it is best done with the opposite sex, because the mechanics of a male brain compared to a female brain is completely different and I would love to see things on both sides of the equation in order to make the best decision or create the best idea or outcome.
In order to have that, I would need to find a guy that matches my intellectual capacity, which by the day makes me feel like its more like a curse rather than a gift, or perhaps because I'm not looking in the right place. Honestly difficult to find a man who is not more than 10 years older than me, who can tell me simply that I am wrong and explain the right thing to me, or say that I do not know. I'm not saying that I know everything, its just that I know more things than an average girl of my age.
Okay, enough of blabbering. I guess I can't write straight because I'm not inspired. I'm not inspired because I'm out of love, and thus makes me lonely, and libras are worst when they feel lonely because they are highly sociable people. So perhaps this vicious cycle would not end until I find peace with myself, or find the right guy.
In any case its almost 1 am and I need my beauty sleep. Good nite.

Lazy day....

Its Sunday and finally a day that I can rest at home. The weather looked gloomy and I guess it dampens my mood to do anything. Perhaps I've just been too tired in the past few days. It could explain the lethargy and sleepiness.
Feel like going back to bed..... okie would continue this entry later.

Another sad news....

A lot of people often misunderstand me, until they really get to know me well. And once you get listed as one of my bestfriends, then you for surely know that you are treated like family, and even your family is treated like family. Perhaps that is the one thing about me that is different from a lot of other friends. If I say you are my bestfriend, it would mean that I know you inside out, and your family inside out, your parents, siblings, aunties and bestfriends. I would be ready to offer my assistance and be there, despite weddings, small parties, deliveries or even in grievances.
Of late, I have been getting a lot of sad news. It pains me, because its sad news from my closest friends, my bestfriends and thus I regard them as family. Like today, I stopped by HKL to visit my old best friend of mine since highschool. Her dad was admitted for gastrointestinal tract bleeding (bleeding from the gut) and the doctors haven't given them a reasonable answer despite being in the hospital for 1 week. Luckily, one of my acquantainces is a senior MO there, so I did manage to get some answers although they did not want to commit to any diagnosis. So I tried explaining the best I could to her father, who had watched me grow as a young teenager, into a successful lady. Yes, that is how close we were. I would say more than 10 years perhaps? Unfortunately, to me the prognosis is quite dim. With symptoms of malena and anaemia as low as 3.5 in 1 month, I would expect something sinister like a malignancy, or angiofibroma, or something critical. But it can also be a foreign body such as a fish bone penetrated into the ileus, because I have seen a case before during my surgical attachment. The good thing of knowing certain people, at least I know after this my best friend's dad will be treated better because his 'niece' is a doctor and once worked in HKL. Yeah, the benefits of having friends.
I thought all the bad news has ended until I received a call from my best friend in med school previously. She currently resides in Malacca, and her hometown was in Muar. During first year of medic school, my mum passed away and she was there for me to cry on, during second year, her dad passed away, and I was there to comfort her, then my mother-in-law passed away during my 2nd year of work life, she consoled me. I was there at her wedding, as her best lady, till the end of the ceremony. I know all 10 of her siblings below her. She called just now, her voice solemn. She told me that her younger brother had passed away yesterday. He was beaten up by a drug addict, came to ED with GCS of 4, had severe intracranial bleed and soon after passed away. I was shocked beyond words, and he was only 26. He was 2 days short of getting engaged to his girlfriend. The last time I saw him was more than a year ago. I cried as she related to me the story. Despite not really being there for her siblings, I regarded her siblings as my own, and she knows that I would help them out if they needed anything. And to hear one of them taken away so suddenly, well, my only comfort is that I know its because God loves him more, that is why he was taken. But the way he died, well, who are we to question God's fate? I really feel like driving down to Malacca today, but I have patients tomorrow, exams this weekend. It frustrates me because of my time limitations. But I promised to come visit as soon as I can.
Perhaps some wonder why I hold my best friends so dear. Well, if anyone remebered reading my blog, or remembered me from highschool, my family was a broken one. It is a fact that I have accepted over many years. I don't blame anyone for it, I guess everyone has some share in it. When I was younger, my siblings sort of left me out of their own activities because I was closest to my parents. Then as I reached my teens, things started to get messy when certain details of my parents were revealed. My mother fell sick when I was 16, and my dad was stressed and couldn't take the building tension. He took a second wife when I was 17, 4 months before SPM. At 18, my home was a living hell hole. My dad threw me out 9 times because I didn't get along with his new wife and because I was rebellious at that time. On the 9th time, I told my mum, I wanted to get my own apartment, which was when I rented in Vista Angkasa, Kerinchi. At 19 my mum died and things got difficult for me because my benefactor was gone. I spent 6 motnhs studying and working at the same time which led to a drop in my academic performance and soon the HEP got involved. I strucked a deal with my dad for financial help but after 3 months he told me to get married. So I married at a tender age of 20, 4 months shy of reaching 21. I accidentally got pregnant after 6 months and so I delivered my first child at 22. She was born so perfect except for a congenital anomaly of the brain that was so rare that it occurs 1 in 1,000,000,000 births. After months of anxiety, she was operated at 13 months, during my final year in med school, 3 months shy of my final exam. Yes, my life was tough, definitely. And I went through all of this with minimal or even zero family support.
Then my marriage was having problems, because I had high expectations, but my hubby didn't. And being bred as a high achiever, I just can't let it all pass. I became close to my mother in law whom I diagnosed initially to have breast CA. She died after 2 years of the disease, and with her died any hope for me to live with my husband at that time. It was a tough decision, but I had to make change in order to survive, so after 2 years of argument and a second child, I finally divorced last year after I gained my dad's consent. Even with his consent, there were some harsh words that followed, which I swallowed whole, regardless. Through all this madness, it was my bestfriends who kept me sane, and thus I became closer and closer until I become part of their family, because mine was broken. But its okay I said to myself, families can come in many ways, and through my bestfriends, I gained extra families that hold strong even till this day, be it 5 years, 10 years or even 15.
And perhaps if I do intend to get serious with anyone in the coming future, well its not just about him, but it'll also be about the mum, the dad, the siblings and other extended family. So if I can't cope, or if they don't like me then its too bad, because to me, getting hooked is not just to the individual but also to the family. Its for a lifetime ain't it?

Finally some me time.....

Its been a hectic month. Seriously hectic. I resigned my job as a government doctor, ventured into the new world of aesthetics and now I own a small clinic in the center of the town. Sometimes I wake up and I find it difficult to believe that I am actually a business owner now, no more waiting from other people's paycheck. Yes, it is a wonderful feeling but scary too perhaps.
Being young in the field, I'm working extra hard with training and study to get to were my other peers are. Its a lot of work and I'm juggling time between being the boss, and being a mum. My babies are such darlings but I must do what I must do for their benefit in the future. At least they see more of me now since I'm home every night, I go to work at 10 which enables me to whip up breakfast for them. And I have flexible time to run out of the office whenever I need to. So my girls get lots and lots and lots of kisses yes? Of course they do. And also late mornings with hugs in bed.
It sounds just like the complete picture, except for my own life companion which I have a fair idea of what type of guy I can actually live with. Or rather the opposite. I know what type of guys I cannot survive with and thus it becomes an exclusion criteria. I know that I can't go for a man 10 years older than me because in my standards its too old and they would start to order me about and there is a generation gap difference that would complicate things more. Besides, if the guy is too old, he can never cope with my hyper activeness unless he's a solid healthy man, but still, if I look like 40 when I'm 60, he'd be 70 and I doubt when you are 70 you'd have any zest for life. Unless my anti-aging technologies help turn around time. Well you'd wish.
I can't go with a man who already have a wife or an ex-wife because despite being a libra and all I know I could not accept having to compete with another woman for my man ever, nor share. Some things are not meant for sharing. I'd rather live a life alone rather. Besides, I'm addicted to true love, and true love is between two people, not three.
I also can't go with a man who has no religious faith or has less faith than I do, who does not bother to practice faith or doesn't believe in God. So far, God is my ultimate lover, so if it'll be against all my principles if I go with a disbeliever. Unless he converts, repents and willing to learn more about religion and God, perhaps. Because I learned it the hard way that true happiness comes from God, when you forget about God, your life will never truly be happy.
I need a guy who can understand my need to study and achieve things. I can't live with a person who thinks that a basic degree is sufficient, or that studying is just for students. I can't live with a guy who is content with just a measly salary or the nice support from his parents. I can't stand a guy with no vision, who does not see where he'll be in the next 5-10years to come. I can't stand a guy who won't do anything to better his life. A man is a man regardless of how successful his woman is. Therefore he should act like a man, stand on his two feet and show the world who's boss. I'm sick and tired of being the one to push and lead and persuade a guy to do good things to his own life, thus I guess I've given up to majority of the man population perhaps.
I need a guy I can idolize, respect, turn to when I have problems, that can comfort me, that brings me nearer to God, make me laugh and is not with me just for the benefits that I can bring, able to love my kids as his own, respects me as an individual, loves me and would be willing to sacrifice his own comfort for me. Yeah, it sounds like prince charming from a book. But I believe that there is a person like that out there, because there is a person like me. So its not impossible.
I just need God to lead the person to me. Or maybe he has? Time will tell. Its going to be awhile before I would decide to tie the knot with a new guy. With this new business and my custody fight, it'll be at least 2-3 years before I can settle down with a new guy. My kids would be big by then, and hopefully things would be easier. For the mean time, I'll just have to place my faith in God.

TOday is a stressful day again.....

I took leave from work today due to the many responsibilities of the coming family day and the stress handling my clinic. It was a good day in fact and I was at liberty to pamper myself with a 2 hour massage and spa treatment session that was fantastic.
The day was planned out and I was suppose to go out with the girls for a karaoke session. But alas, something unexpected happened. While on my way to send my sister in Shah Alam, it was raining and there were many cars. The car in front of me braked suddenly, and I sort of hit on the brakes too hard, and my car skidded 2 metres ahead and hit the car's rear on the left side. My right light shattered into a million pieces, the bulb still intact. And my bumper looked as if it could fall off anytime. Thank god everyone was okay.
The car in front of me suffered a scraping of paint and slight dent because the bumper was pushed in. However, the driver and the passengers were negroes, which sort of made my life harder. First of all, they thought I was chinese. I get extremely upset whenever people think I'm chinese. I am not as fair as a chinese, nor is my eyes extremely slanted, or any typical chinese features. But for some funny reason I normally get mistaken as a chinese. So on top of my distress of banging into someone's car and wrecking my own, I felt upset because he asked whether I was chinese. To me, race is not an issue, so why bother ask?
I didn't want to go and make a police report because the car owner is abroad and it would complicate matters, so I asked them to pay. Problem was, there was this idiotic mechanic who happened to be there and told them that his estimate is RM 1K. 1 K for paint scraping. I was pissed. So I said I'll pay the next day at the mechanic. BUt then they didn't believe me, I gave them my card, they didn't believe me, they asked for my IC and wanted to see it. Of course it blew me to the top. I have never felt so insulted in my whole life.
So i am pissed and tomorrow i have to settle my car. And i feel likew i'm going to be sick with something....

Dilemma.....

Patience in a Libra is something that is quite unpredictable perhaps. When I was younger I use to have a few temper tantrums, where initially I would be very patient but there are times that I just lose my cool and bite people. I always knew that I had patience issues. Perhaps that is why time and time again God has been trying to teach me patience. Perhaps I'm whizzing my life too fast. Despite all my history, perhaps I am still not patient enough.
Recently, I did something that perhaps I shouldn't. But only time will tell. This is another test of patience. God is fair, I'm just praying that God favours me in the outcome of my actions. But, if it doesn't, I must accept with an open but perhaps bruised heart. Now its just up to praying. Many times I feel I shouldn't have done what I did, but I guess my mentor is right, at least after this I wouldn't be left out in the blue. Persistently wondering. No matter what the outcome maybe, I must be prepared. But what if there was no answer to my actions? Then I'll still be in the blue, I cannot move on and I'm stuck. Then things get really weird because I'll be asking myself why, then regretting my idiotic mistake, start to shun away but always at the back of my mind wondering, what if?
I know I shouldn't say anything about it, just keep it to myself. But the suspense is driving me nutts. Oh god..... will there be answer to my heart?

In the midst of all the chaos....

It has been a hectic 3 weeks since I started my leave and resigned from my previous job. Yeah, I'm now on my own, starting anew in the corporate business world, running my own clinic guided by my two beloved mentors who both now have turned into partners. Being the young one in the company, it has been a hectic week of running around settling stuff, siting at my new office learning the trade, and having to attend corporate functions, not to mention my parties.... yes it is extremely exhausting.
Every aspect of the business must be surveyed by myself - which also includes my self-image as I am to be the face of the business. I went bonkers over shopping for new working outfits (since while i was in Govt, i had no regard for any dress code), despite being my own boss, but the clientele requires me to have a certain look, image and dressing. The daily wearing heels is taking a toll not just to my feet but my back as well.Yeah, despite looking all sophisticated and fancy, I'm actually quite simple. Everyday having to wear working clothes make me wish I could just sit in my crocs and jeans sometimes, but I guess personal comfort is for personal time - i.e. home. But the process of taking over a new business, I barely have any time for home. I'm only home to sleep and bathe, otherwise I'm at my business or attending meetings. I wish my clinic had a shower.. then it would be perfect.
In all the chaos, in all the confusion I do admit I feel a bit down. Its not because I am not happy with what I'm getting, but there are times that I feel too lonely. I guess its part of being single perhaps. Still not used to it perhaps. I just wish I had somebody I can confide in, share my happiness and also my tears, exclusively to me, who cares enough to listen and has empathy, who will worry for me, and watch out for me - basically I want someone to love me. But its not easy especially since I guess I overwhelm most men around me, so at the end of the day, I get frustrated because my partner is unable to cope with my activities and achievements. Like recently, I went for a birthday party with my closest friends, and also entertaining some of my mentors friends, yeah I was hyper and giggly, but soon after a few hours I started feeling depressed. All the singing and dancing couldn't lighten my mood. But I had to hide all my feelings until the function was over and I crept into bed at 3.30 am, and I silently wept asking God when will he send me someone who can cope with me, who fulfills all my criterias. Perhaps he has but perhaps its not time yet.
I have to attend a meeting soon. Yes I start my days early. There is not enough hours in a day if you waste any. Hmmm.........

Hectic weekend......

I'm now officially self-employed and I am completely happy about it. It has been a hectic 3 weeks leave to establish myself and prepare for the unknown world. The whole week was full of meetings meetings and more meetings, social functions and head splitting studying in wee hours of the morning. Not to mention my 2 babies came down with chicken pox and 2 weekends in a row traveling east to visit Misha. This weekend is a bit different as I am involved in ABIM retreat.
Yes, ABIM - I am actually a long standing member of the organization, the Health Bureau to be exact. I have been an invisible member since 2005, even some of my closest friends didn't realize how involved I was with the organization. For this year I was given the responsibility as AJK, which is quite cool. Funny previously I have evaded every single post they suggested, but for now I would love to be more involved.
Woops.. running late.. Gotta go.

Why can't I study.....???

I'm so upset. I'm so stressed. I have a major exam in another 30 days, 5 case summaries to write up and another 14 days to complete MCQ questions. Despite being on a long holiday, I find myself doing other things rather than hit my books.
Arghhh.. this is so frustrating. There's too much at stake if I don't pass this exam. My 5K investment of taking it, my reputation, and I would need to resit it because I do need the cert, regardless. And I don't really have much time.
Maybe I'm not stressed up enough, maybe I'm not focused. Maybe I just need some motivation. But what?
Well I should start one step at a time. Bit by bit.... hopefully by the time for the Viva, I'll be well equipt. Besides, if I don't pull it off, then its not me. Well, wish me luck...

Wonderful week...

I love Octobers. I love it because its the month of my birthday. And my birthday happen to be on the last day of the Libras. One day more and I'd be a Scorpio. My birthday as most people would know, is the most important day of my life because it is uniquely to me. If I was born on some other date, then I wouldn't be me. I would be someone else. So I make it a point to celebrate my birthday as a queen, despite my forever increasing age, I guess it would never have mattered whether I was 5 or 50.
I remembered since very young I was accustomed to birthday parties. My mum would normally have one for me every year and after I while I guess I sort of demanded for a celebration to be done despite I became older. My father, despite his aging neurons and couldn't care less attitude remembers my birthday most among the other siblings as I would be extremely dramatic if he forgot about it. There was one year when I was 18, we were not in good terms and I sulked real bad that he actually threw me a birthday party at Bangsar Seafood Village just to keep me from disappearing. Okay, I know, I sound like a spoilt brat. I admit I am quite one. Imagine what would happen if boyfriends or special partners forgot my birthday - I do recall some whom I totally ignore up till today for doing so. Yeah, I can be heartless.
This year was so much fun because I received 3 cakes and celebrations went even before the day till the end of the week. Yesterday was another celebration with my family in Kuantan, nice chinese food and banana chocolate cake. Yum. And my sister even got me a birthday present, and my brother promised me a big cat cage to support my new feline hobby. What other gifts did I get? Well my younger sister became my photographer and PA for half a day on my birthday and my dad had early Chillies breakfast with me. My bestfriend gave me Chanel Allure, and another girlfriend gave me Kenzo flower, my business partner gave me a Scottish hamper with Short bread and mint chocolate, pasta and pesto, earl grey tea (YUM YUM), old colleagues at work gave my a teddy bear, my old highschool friend gave me a huge lollipop which would take ages to finish, a guy friend gave me a new handbag and wallet (well actually a RM200 budget which I made full use of) and I received tonnes of wishes and birthday songs - Yes I do feel like a celebrity. Oh and also my business mentor organized the karaoke party which I almost forgot to mention, and some other business friends actually came to spend time with me which was awesome.
Despite my birthday is over, there are still many invites for dinners, lunches and pressies that my friends haven't really had time to pass over to me since I was quite tied up. Yeah, keep them coming :). Its only once a year I'm this spoilt.
October is a wonderful month and I thank God for all that he has given me. I thank him also for keeping me still alive and well, and giving me time and wealth and friends and family that support me. I thank him for the ever strong faith in him and pray that I will never be swayed. Now I'm just praying for a partner that suits me with all my colours to walk down the path of life together (plus the fact that my princesses want an extension of family), Amen.

Birthday 2008 wrap up

Yeah, its 4 in the morning and I'm not asleep yet. Just got back from my last party. Yes, my birthday this year has been really awesome, as always. 65 people wished me happy birthday, 10 people personally sang me happy birthday, another 30 sang in groups. I received 2 cakes, 2 brownies with ice cream for cake. I received two fragrances, Allure chanel and kenzo flower from my girl friends, a big orange lollipop from another girlfriend, a scottish hamper basket from my business partner, a teddy bear from my previous colleagues, and my mentor spent a lot for my late night birthday celebration - with balloon and stuff. Okay I admit i am completely spoilt.
For those who wished me happy birthday, sang for me, gave me gifts and attended my small parties I give you my most warmest thank you for making my birthday memorable as always. It really means the world to me. For those who didn't wish me, well I guess I'm not a significant person in your life.
So sleepy. Guess need to continue my birthday story tomorrow.

Happy Birthday to me.......

Its my birthday again. The most exciting day of my life because few years ago I made the treacherous journey from the womb through the birth canal into the hands of the nurse with my father fainted on the floor in a small rural clinic in Miri. I cried as I came out, a healthy bouncy baby girl weighing about 6 pounds.
Years passed and I blossomed into quite a charming young lady, though a bit on the wild side, but still respectable. I believe that a birthday is the most significant and important day of any person's life because it was the day you first breathed in the world. It should be memorable, it should be significant. And perhaps that is why I get extremely annoyed if people significant to me forget my birthday. The thought is what counts.
Still, just for fun, I'll just list my birthday wish list for this year:
1. Chanel perfume - Allure or Chance (Thanks Farah for Allure)
2. Loccitane range
3. A new handbag
4. Surprise burfday party - (Thanks Mr Wan - although not a surprise anymore)
5. Chocolate cake
6. Patchi chocolates.
7. Fragrance, perfume, EDT <--- yeah I'm into perfumes this year.
8. A mac book - (be-earlied birthday present)
9. A huge cat cage for my cats
10. Spore original game - thank you bro but perhaps after my exam.
11. A new job - working on it
12. Blood red roses.
13. WII
14. Nokia N82
15. A new wallet - ideally one with a lot of card holders and syilling pouch.
16. Kittens
17. Green tea ice cream.
18. A new boyfriend that loves me for the unique person I am.

Okie, perhaps the last one is a bit too much to ask for.
Well usually I celebrate a whole month of my birthday.
Wonder how many gifts I'd get this year.
I'd be happy if people just wish me a happy birthday :).
Happy birthday to me.

Long Journey home...

Just reached home after a long 3 hour drive from Kuantan. Yeah, I went to Terengganu over the weekend to send my sister off and her little babe Misha. Thank god its only for a week, I'm starting to miss Misha already. I miss that cute little face and the huge eyes. He is so adorable.
I stopped by at Kuantan to visit my brother. He cooked grilled chicken for lunch with garlic bread and onion soup. It was a nice quiet hosuing area. It was a nice quiet day despite some rain. After a few hours there, I set off on my journey home. My maid didn't talk much, so I sang to keep myself awake (and perhaps to keep her awake too). The road was fine except for the on off rain. I didn't drive as fast as I wanted, I took the opportunity to think about my life so far and what is the next step.
I reched Kl around 7, just to be greeted by the normal long trafiic jam - it took more than 1/2 hours to reach home from the toll which if the road was clear wasn't that far. Exhausted, the first thing I did was log on to my mac because 2 days no internet. Yeah, guess I'm a net junkie.. no doubt. Too tired to think - nap time perhaps.

BBQ 2008 Wrap up

Well finally its done and over. My BBQ for this year. Yes, after 3 days of preparations, and going through the day itself it is a great relief when its over. Not to say that it didn't go well. It went extremely well.
The concept was mini Italian buffet but for the sake of Raya and perhaps those not so Western tongues, there was a fare of local delicacies such rendang, lemang, peanut sauce and nasi impit. My Italian fare began with entrees such as mixed salad and potato salad (an idea I stole from on of the fine dining restaurants I tried once), then there was my double sauce lasagna and my signature spagetti bolognese. I also made cream marinara sauce to eat with fetuccine or spiralli. Wanted to add in mini pizzas but I was short of time. For the barbeque fare - there was roast beef, slow roast for over 3 hours with chicken, sausages, rosemary lamb and squid. I prepared black pepper sauce and took out some preprepared mint sauce. Didn't quite have time to make mushroom sauce but I guess it was quite menu already. For dessert, there was chocolate moist cake, 5 different types of fruit and home made 'dadih'.
Since it was still October - I also took out a huge 2 kg Barbie cake (yes there was a real barbie doll stuck in the middle of the cake) for my two little princesses. And we sang and blew the candles together and they got to open a few gifts. My two little girls were dressed in nice English style dresses with small flowers and satin ribbons and they looked extremely beautiful.
Around 50 people came to the barbeque, despite the heavy rain during the initial part of the night. My last guest left at 11.30 pm.
I would have to say my thanks to my sisters, my god mum, my good friends who helped make the BBQ a success.

Recession is eminent..

I have been telling my friends that this year, we should be wary about our finances as according to history, it would be the turn of another economic recession, the 12 year cycle. Despite having an excellent bull market in the initial part of the year, it started to come down and costs of things started to rise up.
It started out with world oil price increase, which our PM happily jumped increased up to 40% which sent a chain of inflation throughout the country to the extent that even chicken cost almost RM 15 a bird. And then there was the rice shortage scare which drove rice price to go up more. I guess if things get any worst, I would be reduced to having bread and cheese on a daily basis. Then came the festive season, which made all prices shot up due to increased demand.
The opening of this week witnessed the US market drop which led to other markets in the world experiencing a sharp decline too. Despite efforts to cushion the effect, most markets still toil downwards, and it will take time for it to recover. Looking back in local grounds, the KLCI index drops again, and there is just too much property on the market. It would be a great time for property tycoons to bargain for good property as there is lack of demand but a need to sell.
I am but a small speck in the whole economic system. Do I worry? Heck, constantly. Especially with the sudden shift of career which is happening in a couple of days, I would to secure more than just a few months savings to survive. But its a vicious cycle. If i stay in my old job, I would just have enough to survive the month and perhaps a bit more, but at least its a secured income. If I pursue my new career, there are many avenues of opportunities to explore which would land me a 5 digit salary by the end of next year if I play my cards right. However, there is a risk of it going the other way due to the recession going about.
Complicated as it seems, I hope I pull through. Besides, since when do I shy from a challenge? I normally would get whatever I want as long as most of the probabilities are within control. The trick is to be happy and keep a poker face, whilst at the same time work bits and bits together.

Manja

Somebody asked me recently why my blogs and online signatures were all signed as Manja. Well, its not just a pseudonym. It goes back around 11 years ago.
11 years ago I was in my final high school year. I had recently broken up with my high school sweet heart, and my family was tearing apart. My mum was sick with Parkinson's disease, my dad in complete denial of my mum's worsening state, was under a lot of pressure from my mum's condition, his work and also the tonnes of responsibility he suddenly had to hold. It had led to the aggressive behaviour of my father where he would let out his frustrations to us the children, in many forms such as emotional deprivation, physical and mental abuse. My two elder siblings were in UK doing their undergrad, and I unfortunately had to assume the role as the eldest with another three younger siblings.
It was the most frustrating years of my life, having to be shoved responsibility at such a young age, and being old enough to understand what was happening between mum and dad. Despite being in boarding school, by the time it was June - I had gone to see the head master for a school transfer as my dad had recently announced his new branch of the family and my mum was devastated beyond compare to the extent of almost suicidal. Despite my anger, I swallowed what I saw, heard and tried to be strong for my mum, to be there for her. However my headmaster was afraid I might self-sabotage myself to failure, as he considered me as one of the top scorers for the school. So we struck a deal instead, that I was allowed to return to KL every single weekend till SPM, no questions asked.
So every Friday I would travel 2 hours on the bus to get home, and then on Sunday return again to my school in Kuala Pilah. Despite my good intentions, I guess I am only human. I was frustrated with home, despite offering all my empathy - so I do admit that there were times that I didn't directly go home but went wandering instead, went and hanged out with my KL friends, went dating. Then only to return home close to 9 pm, which by my parent's standards was late. But I guess my mum understood after awhile that I needed an outlet to relieve myself, so she didn't ask me too many questions, she just looked happy to have me home.
I was completely lonely, I felt unloved. My dad called me a 'bohsia' because he had the false pretense that I was hanging out with wrong crowd. I took that personally and I could swear to God that at that time, he was the man that I hated most in my life. I became rebellious, I barely spoke to him, and each time I did it was not something nice to stomach. I was very direct and criticized him without sympathy. I was angry yet at the same time I felt betrayed, and alone. You see, when I was younger, I was my dad's golden child, his daddy's girl. From the first time he laid eyes on me in the labour room in Miri, which caused him to faint and wake up perhaps an hour later till the point before my mum became really sick. I was his prodigy child, the most obedient child he had, the one child that if ever he had to hit would bring tears to his eyes. I would be the child who he would bring to functions and other social events, the child that all his friends would recognize, his girl no doubt. Even my mum was close to me, to the point that the first time I was separated from her I was 10 and I cried 3 days she went off to Haj and I lost weight and became thin. I followed my mum everywhere, shared her passion for language art and poetry and I am usually the child that other friends would recognize more. Yes, I was such a baby then. Such a mummy and daddy's child. But it changed when my mum got sick. I was forced to choose between mum and dad, and dad was not helping me to side on his side.
That was when I was first introduced to the world of internet relay chat - irc. After sitting 10 minutes in front of the computer terminal in Sungai Wang, I chose the name Manja as my internet pseudonym. Manja means amiable in english - and also spoilt. I considered myself as a spoilt rich kid who is looking for some one who can pamper me as I was before. Someone who would 'manja' me as I wanted. And I guess my prayer was answered because by involving myself in internet network, I got to know many people and I didn't feel so lonely anymore. I was usually considered the 'little sister' because during those years only working adults used irc unlike today.

So I became Manja and all my online buddies would call me Manja. Even their parents would call me Manja thinking it was my real name. From there, I built Manja's character - someone amiable and happy, naughty and mischievous yet intelligent. She was my altered ego - something like my twin. There was where I met my ex-husband who fell in love with Manja but I guess, didn't really fall in love with me. For quite a number of years our character was separate. Manja was always hyper and happy and went for internet gatherings and liked the spotlight. Myself, I was the responsible sister at home taking care of my mum and siblings and studying at the same time. Manja gave me courage to do a lot of things including stuff that I know I shouldn't do, but she was irresponsible and loved to spend and binge and party and stuff.
After irc undernet was shut down due to the multiple hackings by some of our highly creative malaysian net users, I shifted my focus to RPGs and later MMPORGs. My main character would always be Manja. Usually a sexy elven sorceress, mage or healer. My last MMPORG character was a night elf druid - Manja - a character from world of warcraft and if you notice, adorns my facebook profile photo. No its not a robot.
Today, I still use Manja as a pseudonym but its more less just a pseudonym. She is no longer a separate entity from myself, we made our peace last year during one of my solitude escapades after the tragedy that led to my separation and divorce. Nobody barely calls me Manja anymore except my WOW buddies, but I do still respond to that name. After all, she is still a part of me.

Lessons of my past

Today is Sunday. And for the first time, I spent the whole day at home. Normally I would be out somewhere but not today. Today I just sat at home and read a book. I cooked some nasi lemak for breakfast, waited for my dad to come and fetch my sister to send back to Malacca, and then started on my book which took me about 4 hours to finish - or maybe a bit more because I sort of dozed off a bit. It was a book on relationships my sister asked me to buy yesterday while we were window shopping. Really interesting book that I would recommend to my girlfriends.
Reading the book reminded me of my past relationships. How I've gone wrong. Well we are only human, we do make mistakes. I learnt my lesson the hard way. But I guess I was not solely to be blamed, it was alsot he upbringing.
I grew up in my father's house believing that women were always to serve men. My grandmother would preach on the notion that no matter how good you are you must still come to the kitchen to cook for your man. You must be able to please your man in everything, your food, your house, your bed. You must follow him unquestionably and when there are many men around, us women would eat after them not with them. Men were allowed to leave their plates at the table, men were not suppose to cook or clean. They are the king and we are the servants. If a man is infidel, its not his fault but rather yours for not taking good care of him. In other words, going into marriage was something like slavery. The man on the other hand is expected to support the family a hundred percent including the in laws and his own siblings.
When I entered matrimony life, I knew my man was far from perfect. But I was naive then, I thought well everyone knew these rules - its the unwritten rule of society. So I slaved myself willingly throughout my marriage. I provided everything for my man, I catered his family and followed my in-laws. My man took me for granted of course, to the point that in the 4rth year of the marriage, I was getting fed up with my life. There has to be more to it that unquestionable slavery. I lost my identity as a person, and people started to call me my daughter's mum. They totally ignored whatever I had to say, nor ignored the fact that I was busting my but to feed the family. Soon after my mother-in-law's death, I announced to my husband I wanted out of the marriage. He just scoffed and thought I never had the guts to do it. But I did, and I am glad that I did. The relationship was beyond fixing, it was wrong from the start and I had part to blame. The only good thing out of it were my two precious girls, who are totally adorable and amiable, but perhaps this separation would teach them to be more dignified. I hope I manage to teach them that lesson at least.
So I'm starting my life anew. Yes, its been over a year and I finally decided what I wanted to do in life. My 5 year planning for the 3rd stage had to change drastically, and there were even shorter deadlines to keep. But did I mature in relationships? Well for the initial part no. I was devastated at the thought of being alone with no one to love you as in a guy. Okay, women are emotionally insecure most of the time so after going through separation, abuse and a divorce, it figures, no?
So I had a relationship with my ex-boyfriend for almost a year. Initialy it was okay, but later when he started showing his true colours and also the point where I sort of woke up and told myself - look God gave you a second chance, choose wisely - I had second thoughts. Here was a guy who was pushing me to marry him but at the same time is trying his best to hold my leash. But he didn't manage to, because most of the time I was with him, I was miserable. At first, I didn't know why, but then after a long thought there was a sense of de javu. His agenda was similar to my ex-husband - I want a hot chic, I want babies, I want her domesticated and my family is the most important thing in the world. I told myself no, I'm not desperate to be anybody's wife. I have a whole future in front of me to throw it away to a selfish man.
So we broke up, gently. But I did promise to be his friend, so I kept that part, although its kinda creepy the way he tries to still stake claim over me. Most of the part, I ignore it, sometimes I play along and see how far he goes. I asked him once why he was still trying to get me, he said it was because I did not have anyone else. So I told him I was in love with some one else, but then it didn't seem to work either - perhaps he didn't believe me or because the guy I mentioned was just too unaccessible, but you'll never know. My dad told me it was because I pulled the plug, which made me more desirable, be it to my ex-husband or ex-boyfriend. Perhaps he is right.
So when I read the book, well it seems to make sense. Men are more attracted to women with personality, women who have confidence and have their own thing going. They want women who know who they are and don't sell themselves cheap. They want women who are happy with themselves, someone dependable and exciting. Someone who does not need them all the time.
Without realizing it, ever since I told myself that I did not need a guy to survive, I guess I'm slowly turning into that woman. I have my own career, my own home, my own kids and stuff, I have many social circles, my own activities, my own hobbies and agendas that does not involve any boyfriend what so ever. When I'm bored, I go out on a casual date, just for fun - but now I spend more time with my girl friends. I even have cats and I'm planning to add a few more just because I feel like it, not because someone tells me to. Okay, I fell in love with a blue-green eyed kitten recently, its eyes were just like saying, mommy take me home.
Maybe I do have crushes, but then they will remain crushes if my criterias are not met. Am I so difficult to please? Well, I am unpredictable so figure it yourself. If I do get hooked, it'll be to a man that is like me, lives a full life, responsible and secure. Realisticly, I couldn't have a man doting on me 24-7, I'd go nutts. I need my me time for my self-pampering and indulgences, I need my girly times with my girlfriends, I need my mummy time with my two girls and perhaps my other children (always felt like they'd be more), I need my time to concentrate on my business and studies, and now I have cats, so my pets would need my time too. I refuse to make my life evolve around a guy anymore, I did that before and it didn't work. My ideal man would be someone who knows what he wants in life, trusts me, and goes about doing his own thing but always comes home to me for any intimate stuff, doesn't expect anything of me, kind and happy, respects my life, treats me like an equal and above all loves God as much or more than I do. He's out there, I know. But he's gonna have to work to get me, I'm not easy.

Raya Preparations...

Its another 2 days till Raya and I am still at work. Since I started my medical career, I never really had much leave for Raya, I was always on standby. Its not that I do not want to spend raya holidays as other people would, but if you are always the leader, sometimes you need to make certain sacrifices.
This year Raya preparations is considered quite a lavish change. For the first time in my life, I get to spend Hari Raya with my kids exactly where I want them to be. In my home and that is not while I'm in confinement. I have spent most of my married years traveling back up north to my ex-husbands hometown, just to please my in-laws, although I never stay long due to hospital duties but the days I spent was enough to drive me up the wall most of the time. I would normally fly up separately, or fly down separately like some business trip.
This year raya, my children are excited with the change of furniture, curtains and also the baking activities that they haven't seen their mum do in so long - or maybe never. My in-laws were the more diligent ones when it comes to cookies and cakes - but it does not mean that I'm totally useless at it. I actually fair quite well. Just need to flex my baking skills that I have kept in closet for so long.
Raya to me is one of the most hectic days, which will lead to few sleepless nights and continuous playing host. Even today, despite working, I managed to rush home during lunch to do some last minute groceries, rearrange some furniture and even baked a batch of cookies, though left them still in the oven for my sister to continue my work. Rush back to work with my toddler to tend to hospital duties, and in awhile I will be rushing of to the airport to pick up a friend. Then back home to prepare for berbuka, and another night of shopping for other ingredients I may need for raya - and perhaps cake baking session tonight. Perhaps a little overwhelming for one person to do. But maybe that's why some of my friends call me superwoman. Between career, kids, home and my other outer activities, and I still have time to write my blog, study for an exam - yeah I'm hyper, or maybe just extremely bored.
Although this Raya, despite all the hustling and bustling, there are times when I suddenly wish I had a man in my life to just take half of all the burden away. However, being an all-rounded who is entirely capable of doing everything herself, it becomes a real problem. Especially for most guys who would think, if the chick can do everything, just let her do it. So here is where I get stuck. How do you get a guy to do stuff for you if they think you are already too capable. Impossible, exactly. So the trick is to make yourself look vulnerable, or be vulnerable just for the sake of able to relax your head more. This is one lesson that I have yet to learn in life, and perhaps will be the lesson I would need to learn by next year before I can get an ideal partner to suit my frantic mood swings and hyperactivity. Have I completely learnt my lesson on patience yet? Only God knows the answer to that.
An old friend of mine came up to me and told me that a guy was eager to propose to her after Raya but she was having doubts. She has only known the man for 2 months and yet she finds him demanding and stingy. I told her, forget about him - if you don't really like the guy there is no point of marrying. Don't just marry a man for the sake of companionship or money, there must be more to it. This is the advice I have given, it is one that I must keep to follow. She also asked me about my opinion if she married as a second wife for a man who is well established but looking for a lady locally to guard his business interests int he country. I told her, go and meet the guy first.
I am not a strong supporter of polygamy despite it being allowed in my religion. I just feel that the many men who do polygamy only know the first sentence allowing polygamy, but pretty much unaware of what the whole verse meant. Most men uses the polygamy sentence to their own benefit, and instead of getting more rewards they collect more sins. I for one, God forbid, that if my future husband should ever have any intention for polygamy, the only thing I ask is that the lady must be better than me in all aspects be it education, religion, home affairs, name it, and that I would be allowed to spend 1 day with this lady to evaluate. If she is indeed a good lady and fulfills my criteria and God's, then I would personally ask for her hand for my future husband's sake.
But why talk about polygamy.... I thought this was suppose to be about raya. Speaking of which, my baby needds milk, and I need to be on my way already. Time to start my hectic raya preparations.

Its almost Raya...

Its almost raya but I'm not in my top notch of health of late. My sinuses suddenly decided to flare up and I'm constantly hacking away due to the post nasal dripping which has caused my throat to be so inflamed. Worst thing was because I was fasting, so during the day, I couldn't take anything to soothe my throat. While at night I cough so much due to the chill that at times I feel like I'm wheezing. Its been 3 days - 3 days without any proper sleep. Luckily my mind can still function well despite lack of rest. To top on things, my tummy is causing trouble today and I've been purging since morning. Perhaps it was something I ate at the buffet yesterday, perhaps its just due to lack of sleep, perhaps its IBS. To tired to bother. Tried to sleep at work but accidentally choked on the PND causing me to have paroxysms of cough.
So ultimately I feel miserable. Just miss sleep so much already.

A new blog

After a few days of mourning over the lost of my friendster blog entries, I guess life has to go on - and so do I. For the sake of my loyal readers, I've decided to move my personal blog to blogspot. So now I have 2 blogs on blogspot i.e. this one and my medical blog (so-called).

I believe that the disappearance of my blog is a sign from God. Its time to move on my dear, learn from the past, strive for the future. And that is exactly what I intend to do. Although I may still reminisce those hard written entries and the memories of the past, I would still like to start anew. A new blog, a new resolution, a new style. I just hope this blog doesn't decide to suddenly disappear like the other one.