Lessons of my past

Today is Sunday. And for the first time, I spent the whole day at home. Normally I would be out somewhere but not today. Today I just sat at home and read a book. I cooked some nasi lemak for breakfast, waited for my dad to come and fetch my sister to send back to Malacca, and then started on my book which took me about 4 hours to finish - or maybe a bit more because I sort of dozed off a bit. It was a book on relationships my sister asked me to buy yesterday while we were window shopping. Really interesting book that I would recommend to my girlfriends.
Reading the book reminded me of my past relationships. How I've gone wrong. Well we are only human, we do make mistakes. I learnt my lesson the hard way. But I guess I was not solely to be blamed, it was alsot he upbringing.
I grew up in my father's house believing that women were always to serve men. My grandmother would preach on the notion that no matter how good you are you must still come to the kitchen to cook for your man. You must be able to please your man in everything, your food, your house, your bed. You must follow him unquestionably and when there are many men around, us women would eat after them not with them. Men were allowed to leave their plates at the table, men were not suppose to cook or clean. They are the king and we are the servants. If a man is infidel, its not his fault but rather yours for not taking good care of him. In other words, going into marriage was something like slavery. The man on the other hand is expected to support the family a hundred percent including the in laws and his own siblings.
When I entered matrimony life, I knew my man was far from perfect. But I was naive then, I thought well everyone knew these rules - its the unwritten rule of society. So I slaved myself willingly throughout my marriage. I provided everything for my man, I catered his family and followed my in-laws. My man took me for granted of course, to the point that in the 4rth year of the marriage, I was getting fed up with my life. There has to be more to it that unquestionable slavery. I lost my identity as a person, and people started to call me my daughter's mum. They totally ignored whatever I had to say, nor ignored the fact that I was busting my but to feed the family. Soon after my mother-in-law's death, I announced to my husband I wanted out of the marriage. He just scoffed and thought I never had the guts to do it. But I did, and I am glad that I did. The relationship was beyond fixing, it was wrong from the start and I had part to blame. The only good thing out of it were my two precious girls, who are totally adorable and amiable, but perhaps this separation would teach them to be more dignified. I hope I manage to teach them that lesson at least.
So I'm starting my life anew. Yes, its been over a year and I finally decided what I wanted to do in life. My 5 year planning for the 3rd stage had to change drastically, and there were even shorter deadlines to keep. But did I mature in relationships? Well for the initial part no. I was devastated at the thought of being alone with no one to love you as in a guy. Okay, women are emotionally insecure most of the time so after going through separation, abuse and a divorce, it figures, no?
So I had a relationship with my ex-boyfriend for almost a year. Initialy it was okay, but later when he started showing his true colours and also the point where I sort of woke up and told myself - look God gave you a second chance, choose wisely - I had second thoughts. Here was a guy who was pushing me to marry him but at the same time is trying his best to hold my leash. But he didn't manage to, because most of the time I was with him, I was miserable. At first, I didn't know why, but then after a long thought there was a sense of de javu. His agenda was similar to my ex-husband - I want a hot chic, I want babies, I want her domesticated and my family is the most important thing in the world. I told myself no, I'm not desperate to be anybody's wife. I have a whole future in front of me to throw it away to a selfish man.
So we broke up, gently. But I did promise to be his friend, so I kept that part, although its kinda creepy the way he tries to still stake claim over me. Most of the part, I ignore it, sometimes I play along and see how far he goes. I asked him once why he was still trying to get me, he said it was because I did not have anyone else. So I told him I was in love with some one else, but then it didn't seem to work either - perhaps he didn't believe me or because the guy I mentioned was just too unaccessible, but you'll never know. My dad told me it was because I pulled the plug, which made me more desirable, be it to my ex-husband or ex-boyfriend. Perhaps he is right.
So when I read the book, well it seems to make sense. Men are more attracted to women with personality, women who have confidence and have their own thing going. They want women who know who they are and don't sell themselves cheap. They want women who are happy with themselves, someone dependable and exciting. Someone who does not need them all the time.
Without realizing it, ever since I told myself that I did not need a guy to survive, I guess I'm slowly turning into that woman. I have my own career, my own home, my own kids and stuff, I have many social circles, my own activities, my own hobbies and agendas that does not involve any boyfriend what so ever. When I'm bored, I go out on a casual date, just for fun - but now I spend more time with my girl friends. I even have cats and I'm planning to add a few more just because I feel like it, not because someone tells me to. Okay, I fell in love with a blue-green eyed kitten recently, its eyes were just like saying, mommy take me home.
Maybe I do have crushes, but then they will remain crushes if my criterias are not met. Am I so difficult to please? Well, I am unpredictable so figure it yourself. If I do get hooked, it'll be to a man that is like me, lives a full life, responsible and secure. Realisticly, I couldn't have a man doting on me 24-7, I'd go nutts. I need my me time for my self-pampering and indulgences, I need my girly times with my girlfriends, I need my mummy time with my two girls and perhaps my other children (always felt like they'd be more), I need my time to concentrate on my business and studies, and now I have cats, so my pets would need my time too. I refuse to make my life evolve around a guy anymore, I did that before and it didn't work. My ideal man would be someone who knows what he wants in life, trusts me, and goes about doing his own thing but always comes home to me for any intimate stuff, doesn't expect anything of me, kind and happy, respects my life, treats me like an equal and above all loves God as much or more than I do. He's out there, I know. But he's gonna have to work to get me, I'm not easy.