As usual, every year I have the habit of writing up my New Year resolutions.
This year its more detailed to what I really want.
Well here goes:
1. I want to completely stabilize my business and earn profit from all the hard work put into it.
2. I want to take up a post graduate course.
3. I want to learn Mandarin.
4. I want to go to Umrah.
5. I want to achieve my financial freedom.
6. I want to be a better servant to Allah.
7. I want to be a better mum to my 2 kids.
8. I want to start my home fund.
9. I want to go on a back packing trip.
10. I want to find that Mr Right for me - whom I have already identified the criterias which are: Physically taller than me and nice to look at, Mentally able to match my intellectual wit, Spiritually loves Allah more than I do, Socially able to adapt to my lifestyle and friends, Financially more stable than I am, and most importantly accepts me as who I am and who I aim to become and accept my kids like his own. He's out there somewhere.
Best of luck... Lets see how I scored next year.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Reflections.......
I haven't written in my blog in such a long time. I know something is wrong with myself. Writing has always been a passion of mine, the lack of time has never been an excuse for me not to write on my blog. I always find time.
Similarly the other things I am fond of like jogging early morning listening to the first birds sing, singing in the car or dancing at home with my girls. Cooking for one is a major passion, and with my girls around normally I have so many different projects to work on - but not recently. I smile less, I talk less, I read less. All I feel like doing is sleep. but even sleep does not come easy to me.
Things around me are good. It may not be perfect, but when I look at myself comparing this year and before - I am much better off this year.
Its just me perhaps. I need to find part of myself for myself.
Its no fun being only half here. I'm a survivor. I am a rainmaker. The only thing that can stop me from being happy is myself. And I choose to be happy.
Similarly the other things I am fond of like jogging early morning listening to the first birds sing, singing in the car or dancing at home with my girls. Cooking for one is a major passion, and with my girls around normally I have so many different projects to work on - but not recently. I smile less, I talk less, I read less. All I feel like doing is sleep. but even sleep does not come easy to me.
Things around me are good. It may not be perfect, but when I look at myself comparing this year and before - I am much better off this year.
Its just me perhaps. I need to find part of myself for myself.
Its no fun being only half here. I'm a survivor. I am a rainmaker. The only thing that can stop me from being happy is myself. And I choose to be happy.
Friday, August 27, 2010
A New Lesson in Life.........
It has been such a hectic month. So many new things have popped into my life which makes it more frenzy than it usual (which most people already think its a handful)... Opportunities, opportunities... and opportunities...... yes, every new thing in life is an opportunity. That is how I perceive the world. Its been a hard year struggle but eventually there is some light at the end of the tunnel....
This month, my patience is tested to the maximum..... I have been in scenarios like this before and usually when things come hailing down on me.. it usually means that God is trying to teach me something... there was a lesson of patience, a lesson of independence, a lesson of change... and after pondering for weeks what is actually the problem with my life... I guess the lesson to be learnt is to be careful whom you trust, and that I don't have to be too nice to everybody... only to the people who are important in my life and involved in making sure I'm okay at all times.
Even some of my friends I start to question whether do they actually regard me as a friend the way I regard them? Maybe my ideation of friendship is such a high concept that most people can't comprehend. Oh well.. time to pack my stuff........
This month, my patience is tested to the maximum..... I have been in scenarios like this before and usually when things come hailing down on me.. it usually means that God is trying to teach me something... there was a lesson of patience, a lesson of independence, a lesson of change... and after pondering for weeks what is actually the problem with my life... I guess the lesson to be learnt is to be careful whom you trust, and that I don't have to be too nice to everybody... only to the people who are important in my life and involved in making sure I'm okay at all times.
Even some of my friends I start to question whether do they actually regard me as a friend the way I regard them? Maybe my ideation of friendship is such a high concept that most people can't comprehend. Oh well.. time to pack my stuff........
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Musings....
It has been ages since I last had time to sit and write for my blog. Yes it has been a hectic one month, especially with both my girls with their father for this moment, I find myself endlessly working. Only recently I managed to breathe a little bit better by focusing on settling my problems step by step. Difficult issues to tackle, yet I do believe with wisdom, luck and perseverance I'll be just fine. I have my God with me at all times, there is nothing to be afraid of.
During this time also I felt emotionally torn returning to an empty home. There were so many incidents that I could have sworn I heard Nabilah's voice and laughter but when I looked she was not there. There were instances in my sleep that I felt like my girls came into the room and talked to me. Yes, I miss them terribly and I guess not many can understand the loneliness and agony of not being able to speak or see my babies. I have already figured out a solution to my problem for the short run, which if the plan works would be a great relief for the 3 of us.
I noticed there was a lack of social communication between me and my friends. There was even a more lacking communication between me and my platonic boyfriends. Speaking of platonic boyfriends, the sad reality is that they don't understand me. Which in a way it is a good thing because then I don't feel so guilty ignoring everybody. I find myself more interested in hanging out with my girlfriends rather.
I do admit at times I do feel lonely. Sometimes a warm hug is all I crave for. I am after all human. Regardless of age, race, stature.... every human being requires love. That is what makes us human. With my babies out of sight, the yearning for love becomes more intense. It just feels so alone waking up in an empty bed, walking through an empty house. Maybe that is why I prefer to work all the time, at least I am surrounded by people. Luckily now i do have some housemates, but even they find it difficult to break my workaholic cycle. Its a survival instinct. At least I feel like I am doing something to change my current situation.
There was actually one thing that God wanted to show to me during this period. In my most unhappy time, only few realized the torment I was going through - thus these people are the people whom I should pay more attention to. As for the men who are just there for smiles... well, it was nice to know you, but you don't care about me, why should I bother about you?
I have come to terms that the path I walk will be quite lonely for a bit, but eventually I will find that right someone for me, and I will get my babies back definitely. (Likely the babies first). Being unique is not easy - its hard to find people like you. But being unique is God's gift to you, so I shouldn't complain. To find a person as unique as I am is not that easy...... to get someone to appreciate the uniqueness in me is even harder. Nevertheless, it is not impossible, so I shouldn't put my standards any lower...
During this time also I felt emotionally torn returning to an empty home. There were so many incidents that I could have sworn I heard Nabilah's voice and laughter but when I looked she was not there. There were instances in my sleep that I felt like my girls came into the room and talked to me. Yes, I miss them terribly and I guess not many can understand the loneliness and agony of not being able to speak or see my babies. I have already figured out a solution to my problem for the short run, which if the plan works would be a great relief for the 3 of us.
I noticed there was a lack of social communication between me and my friends. There was even a more lacking communication between me and my platonic boyfriends. Speaking of platonic boyfriends, the sad reality is that they don't understand me. Which in a way it is a good thing because then I don't feel so guilty ignoring everybody. I find myself more interested in hanging out with my girlfriends rather.
I do admit at times I do feel lonely. Sometimes a warm hug is all I crave for. I am after all human. Regardless of age, race, stature.... every human being requires love. That is what makes us human. With my babies out of sight, the yearning for love becomes more intense. It just feels so alone waking up in an empty bed, walking through an empty house. Maybe that is why I prefer to work all the time, at least I am surrounded by people. Luckily now i do have some housemates, but even they find it difficult to break my workaholic cycle. Its a survival instinct. At least I feel like I am doing something to change my current situation.
There was actually one thing that God wanted to show to me during this period. In my most unhappy time, only few realized the torment I was going through - thus these people are the people whom I should pay more attention to. As for the men who are just there for smiles... well, it was nice to know you, but you don't care about me, why should I bother about you?
I have come to terms that the path I walk will be quite lonely for a bit, but eventually I will find that right someone for me, and I will get my babies back definitely. (Likely the babies first). Being unique is not easy - its hard to find people like you. But being unique is God's gift to you, so I shouldn't complain. To find a person as unique as I am is not that easy...... to get someone to appreciate the uniqueness in me is even harder. Nevertheless, it is not impossible, so I shouldn't put my standards any lower...
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Didn't your mother teach you not to poke a beehive....?
Sometimes people just do not realize how lucky they are, especially when luck shines fortune onto them. Sometimes they forget, that other people also come into play of their good fortune. Its so common, sadly. A lot of these things happen to me, the people I help tend to forget that without my help, you wouldn't have gained what you have now. But its okay, we are just human. Still, there is a saying - don't go bothering a hornets next. It may appear quiet in the beginning but you may stir up a mayhem. Fine.
As many have already discovered, I am single again, for the past 3 years from my 10 year love story with my ex-husband which ended due to differences irreconcilable. I don't blame anyone for this dissolution. God has written it that way. God has also made my darling ex-husband to be such a pain that we ended up in a 2 year custody battle that finally I called quits and let him keep my eldest daughter whilst I took care of the young one after a lengthy discussion with my daughters at some point. Aina, in her young age, was able to reason with me why she wanted to stay with her dad at that point. I respected her decision.
So for the past 16 months I have been taking care of Nabilah until recently my maid decided to resign after she found her new soul mate. Who was I to stop her? I let her go, and so I was forced to give Nabilah's care to her father for safety and convenience purposes. That too was after a lengthy discussion with my daughters (although Nabilah's attention span was a little less than 10 minutes). But the conclusion was that the two of them were tired of being apart from each other, despite the constant squabble, they wanted to be together.
Children are pure beings, and therefore, when they ask God for something, they normally would get what they wish for. I always teach my children to pray for good things and good fortune. Perhaps God answered their prayers to be together, which has forced me into this fix. After a late night consolation with my Creator, I had finally had the strength to let go.
Of all the while, my ex has been telling all his friends and family that I was incapable to care for my kids due to my hectic life schedule and that he wanted to take care of Nabilah as well but I didn't allow it. He also told everyone, including myself that he will only pay for Nabilah's kindergarten if she stays with him. I guess God is trying to make you live up to your promises, my dear ex-husband.
Despite what he tells other people, this is what he's been smsing to me in the past few days and despite my silence - well, I too have feelings and instead of replying to you personally - I'm putting this on my blog so that I do not forget, because I might lose the SMS in my phone, and as a reminder to myself that I shall no longer have any empathy for you because you dear sir, have completely crossed the boundary.
This is what he wrote......
"Salam. I hope u settle masalah u secepat mungkin. Don't put ur burden to me. I tau u ingat I bole jd jaga anak2. Mmg bole. Tp wat 4 ada court order dari awal?Buang masa dgn duit saja. Las2 u cari i gak. I nk u langsai t/jawab u trhadap nabilah. Dah u nk sgt jaga. Perform it well! Dah tau ada masalah kenapa x bg i jaga dari awal?Skrg ada masalah cari i. I pun ada masalah, tp MANA PENAH burden u pun sampai berminggu2. Dah tau duit tadak. Utang banyak keliling pinggang, nk byr maid pun susah, keta pun 2-3 asyik tunggak, kurangkan la tabiat lifestyle u tu. U settle hal u. Senang2 je nak lepas tangan. Kalo i ada prob jaga anak2 i settle sendiri. U tu yg slalu sgt bz dari seolah lari t/jwb. U do wat u need to do apa u request dlm court. Tats it. If not tell court u x mampu jaga anak dan xde masa."
(Yups - 6 pages of SMS)
First things first. Who is the father and who is the mother? In the Quran, who has the responsibility for child support. The father - that is what our religion preaches. No court order can ever change that. But for the past 18 months since Nabilah has been with me, have you ever paid any child support?
What pisses me off in this SMS is:
1. He called Nabilah a burden. The only thing I gave to him was Nabilah. I did not ask him to pay for my maid or my car or my house. I just gave him Nabilah for safe keeping whilst I was looking for a replacement caretaker at home while I had to work.
2. His ignorance of my responsibility towards the children. My only responsibility to the children is love and nurturing. Both which I have done well without any problems. Despite Aina being away from me, but both Aina and Nabilah knows how much I love them. Both also knows that I am always here for them to listen and discuss things. I have no monetary obligations to them as per written by syarak so don't try to be smart when you are so bloody ignorant of Islamic responsibilities. In fact, if I remarry, I will no longer be obliged to care for them if my new husband is not keen - but I will not go to the greater extent of explaining these things.
3. I have taken cared of my baby for more than a year. We can't see the future. A year ago I had no problem. In fact last month I had no problem. It was only last week my maid told me she wanted to remarry, and she asked to resign because I refused to allow her to bring her husband to stay in the same house as me and Nabilah. Therefore suddenly I could not take care of Nabilah, because I had no maid, and my erratic hours would be difficult to send Nabilah to daycare. Besides, me and the girls have discussed this, and both girls were fed up of being separated. We all agreed that Nabilah will be given to her dad instead of some stranger since her dad promised to send her to school if she stayed with him. Our daughter is only 4 but she remembers what you promised her. They are not small children anymore. Didn't you notice that when you came to pick up Aina at KFC the week prior, both girls were sitting on top of me, hugging me? Even they understood my pain, and tried to console me. We have very smart children, don't under estimate them.
4. Don't talk about my lifestyle, my earnings, my debts - they are none of your business because as I've mentioned before, I have no monetary obligation to the kids what-so-ever according to Syariah. You don't know how much money I have, you don't know what I earn. It is funny for you to talk about debts because being marriage to you almost drove me into bankruptcy which is why I decided to call it quits. When I left you, I was -200K in debt. Luckily its a lot less by now. If I had stayed with you perhaps I'd be -500K in debts. You completely depended on me to provide the basic necessities in our family - and then you had the cheek to say in court, what was wrong with me helping you out? I wasn't helping you out, I was practically supporting your ass and you never appreciated it. If I were to claim for alimony when we divorced, you'd be left with not even your underwear, but for the love of you and for the sake of the children, I didn't. The preliminary calculations including my 'nafkah' and family home rental that you never paid amounted to over 100K, not including the things I paid for the kids since the day they were born till now.
If I were to go on and on this blog entry would never end. But seriously, I am pissed.
Because all I had was love for him. Despite all he did to me, I forgave him. I prayed for his success and safety everyday until today. In fact, the first thing that I prayed for after our divorce session in court, after he sent me to my car and wanted to hug me one last time but I didn't let you so he kissed my headrest just to smell my hair, was so that God made his life easy, and find him a more suitable partner than me first because I knew that he were useless alone. So God granted me my prayers, and sure enough, he was never alone for long and now he's already married to a younger woman with his simplicity.
To my ex-hubby, you are where you are now because of all the things I did for you. If it was not for me, you would never even dream of living in KL. Your problem was because you didn't know when to keep your mouth shut, and because you let your ego take the best of you. If only you listened to the things I told you to do, you would have been in a better position and we would have still been married. But no, you just had to listen to your friends who couldn't see you excel more than them. You forget, it was not them who took care of you, it was not them who fed up, it was not them who motivated you to be a better person.
As for me, I would have still became a doctor even if I didn't marry you. Perhaps I would have been a specialist by now, if it was not for marrying you. How many years I cried because my savings for my exams had to be used to pay for something that you should be paying. I would've still succeeded even if I didn't know you. Perhaps even to a greater length. The only thing I am grateful is my two girls, the only reason I am nice to you.
But as for today, you have really hurt my feelings with the sms you sent. But at least I know where you stand. I use to believe that you can take glass and shine it into diamonds, but unfortunately you can't. Good luck in life honey, as for today, I will stop praying for you and your safety. You are my past and I will let you stay there for good. God is always with me, at least I know God will never let me down. Amen.
As many have already discovered, I am single again, for the past 3 years from my 10 year love story with my ex-husband which ended due to differences irreconcilable. I don't blame anyone for this dissolution. God has written it that way. God has also made my darling ex-husband to be such a pain that we ended up in a 2 year custody battle that finally I called quits and let him keep my eldest daughter whilst I took care of the young one after a lengthy discussion with my daughters at some point. Aina, in her young age, was able to reason with me why she wanted to stay with her dad at that point. I respected her decision.
So for the past 16 months I have been taking care of Nabilah until recently my maid decided to resign after she found her new soul mate. Who was I to stop her? I let her go, and so I was forced to give Nabilah's care to her father for safety and convenience purposes. That too was after a lengthy discussion with my daughters (although Nabilah's attention span was a little less than 10 minutes). But the conclusion was that the two of them were tired of being apart from each other, despite the constant squabble, they wanted to be together.
Children are pure beings, and therefore, when they ask God for something, they normally would get what they wish for. I always teach my children to pray for good things and good fortune. Perhaps God answered their prayers to be together, which has forced me into this fix. After a late night consolation with my Creator, I had finally had the strength to let go.
Of all the while, my ex has been telling all his friends and family that I was incapable to care for my kids due to my hectic life schedule and that he wanted to take care of Nabilah as well but I didn't allow it. He also told everyone, including myself that he will only pay for Nabilah's kindergarten if she stays with him. I guess God is trying to make you live up to your promises, my dear ex-husband.
Despite what he tells other people, this is what he's been smsing to me in the past few days and despite my silence - well, I too have feelings and instead of replying to you personally - I'm putting this on my blog so that I do not forget, because I might lose the SMS in my phone, and as a reminder to myself that I shall no longer have any empathy for you because you dear sir, have completely crossed the boundary.
This is what he wrote......
"Salam. I hope u settle masalah u secepat mungkin. Don't put ur burden to me. I tau u ingat I bole jd jaga anak2. Mmg bole. Tp wat 4 ada court order dari awal?Buang masa dgn duit saja. Las2 u cari i gak. I nk u langsai t/jawab u trhadap nabilah. Dah u nk sgt jaga. Perform it well! Dah tau ada masalah kenapa x bg i jaga dari awal?Skrg ada masalah cari i. I pun ada masalah, tp MANA PENAH burden u pun sampai berminggu2. Dah tau duit tadak. Utang banyak keliling pinggang, nk byr maid pun susah, keta pun 2-3 asyik tunggak, kurangkan la tabiat lifestyle u tu. U settle hal u. Senang2 je nak lepas tangan. Kalo i ada prob jaga anak2 i settle sendiri. U tu yg slalu sgt bz dari seolah lari t/jwb. U do wat u need to do apa u request dlm court. Tats it. If not tell court u x mampu jaga anak dan xde masa."
(Yups - 6 pages of SMS)
First things first. Who is the father and who is the mother? In the Quran, who has the responsibility for child support. The father - that is what our religion preaches. No court order can ever change that. But for the past 18 months since Nabilah has been with me, have you ever paid any child support?
What pisses me off in this SMS is:
1. He called Nabilah a burden. The only thing I gave to him was Nabilah. I did not ask him to pay for my maid or my car or my house. I just gave him Nabilah for safe keeping whilst I was looking for a replacement caretaker at home while I had to work.
2. His ignorance of my responsibility towards the children. My only responsibility to the children is love and nurturing. Both which I have done well without any problems. Despite Aina being away from me, but both Aina and Nabilah knows how much I love them. Both also knows that I am always here for them to listen and discuss things. I have no monetary obligations to them as per written by syarak so don't try to be smart when you are so bloody ignorant of Islamic responsibilities. In fact, if I remarry, I will no longer be obliged to care for them if my new husband is not keen - but I will not go to the greater extent of explaining these things.
3. I have taken cared of my baby for more than a year. We can't see the future. A year ago I had no problem. In fact last month I had no problem. It was only last week my maid told me she wanted to remarry, and she asked to resign because I refused to allow her to bring her husband to stay in the same house as me and Nabilah. Therefore suddenly I could not take care of Nabilah, because I had no maid, and my erratic hours would be difficult to send Nabilah to daycare. Besides, me and the girls have discussed this, and both girls were fed up of being separated. We all agreed that Nabilah will be given to her dad instead of some stranger since her dad promised to send her to school if she stayed with him. Our daughter is only 4 but she remembers what you promised her. They are not small children anymore. Didn't you notice that when you came to pick up Aina at KFC the week prior, both girls were sitting on top of me, hugging me? Even they understood my pain, and tried to console me. We have very smart children, don't under estimate them.
4. Don't talk about my lifestyle, my earnings, my debts - they are none of your business because as I've mentioned before, I have no monetary obligation to the kids what-so-ever according to Syariah. You don't know how much money I have, you don't know what I earn. It is funny for you to talk about debts because being marriage to you almost drove me into bankruptcy which is why I decided to call it quits. When I left you, I was -200K in debt. Luckily its a lot less by now. If I had stayed with you perhaps I'd be -500K in debts. You completely depended on me to provide the basic necessities in our family - and then you had the cheek to say in court, what was wrong with me helping you out? I wasn't helping you out, I was practically supporting your ass and you never appreciated it. If I were to claim for alimony when we divorced, you'd be left with not even your underwear, but for the love of you and for the sake of the children, I didn't. The preliminary calculations including my 'nafkah' and family home rental that you never paid amounted to over 100K, not including the things I paid for the kids since the day they were born till now.
If I were to go on and on this blog entry would never end. But seriously, I am pissed.
Because all I had was love for him. Despite all he did to me, I forgave him. I prayed for his success and safety everyday until today. In fact, the first thing that I prayed for after our divorce session in court, after he sent me to my car and wanted to hug me one last time but I didn't let you so he kissed my headrest just to smell my hair, was so that God made his life easy, and find him a more suitable partner than me first because I knew that he were useless alone. So God granted me my prayers, and sure enough, he was never alone for long and now he's already married to a younger woman with his simplicity.
To my ex-hubby, you are where you are now because of all the things I did for you. If it was not for me, you would never even dream of living in KL. Your problem was because you didn't know when to keep your mouth shut, and because you let your ego take the best of you. If only you listened to the things I told you to do, you would have been in a better position and we would have still been married. But no, you just had to listen to your friends who couldn't see you excel more than them. You forget, it was not them who took care of you, it was not them who fed up, it was not them who motivated you to be a better person.
As for me, I would have still became a doctor even if I didn't marry you. Perhaps I would have been a specialist by now, if it was not for marrying you. How many years I cried because my savings for my exams had to be used to pay for something that you should be paying. I would've still succeeded even if I didn't know you. Perhaps even to a greater length. The only thing I am grateful is my two girls, the only reason I am nice to you.
But as for today, you have really hurt my feelings with the sms you sent. But at least I know where you stand. I use to believe that you can take glass and shine it into diamonds, but unfortunately you can't. Good luck in life honey, as for today, I will stop praying for you and your safety. You are my past and I will let you stay there for good. God is always with me, at least I know God will never let me down. Amen.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
You don't know me.......................
This past few months has been an emotional havoc for me. Despite looking so untouched by the surroundings, I feel that I have to let this out of my chest.
I am a highly sociable person. I travel various social circles from doctors, to business people, politicians, entertainment people, royalties, VIPs, internet marketers, gamers, etc. I am highly receptive to people, also very observant and I respect each and every individual. Because of this, I have rules of conduct that I put onto myself. I can be so receptive that most people would admit that sometimes meeting me for the first time feels like meeting an old friend. That is God's gift to me, my empathy. But it doesn't mean I am cheap, it does not mean that I will get down with any Tom, Dick and Harry. I have taste, a very expensive one. I like what I like and if I don't like it, it would be hard to convince me otherwise.
I'm just fed up of people telling me what to do. Don't tell me that I can't do things. If I'm doing it the wrong me then point the direction of where I'm suppose to go. At least I can find my way. To condemn my actions and not provide an alternative solution is the worst thing a person can do. But its okay, people will always try to bring you down. I am prepared to go through all of that. God is always with me and he will help me in the parts that I cannot do myself, I believe it, my friends believe it. A true friend is a person who believes in you and will always keeps their eyes and ears open for ways to help you. They sympathize your troubles, they empathize on your difficulties, and they respect your decisions. They advise you for your benefit and not really for their own, and they are there in the hardest of moments when everyone else is not there. I am that sort of friend to all my friends. How many actually act the same way towards me? How many actually know who I am and my capabilities? Not many I can bet.
I am a highly sociable person. I travel various social circles from doctors, to business people, politicians, entertainment people, royalties, VIPs, internet marketers, gamers, etc. I am highly receptive to people, also very observant and I respect each and every individual. Because of this, I have rules of conduct that I put onto myself. I can be so receptive that most people would admit that sometimes meeting me for the first time feels like meeting an old friend. That is God's gift to me, my empathy. But it doesn't mean I am cheap, it does not mean that I will get down with any Tom, Dick and Harry. I have taste, a very expensive one. I like what I like and if I don't like it, it would be hard to convince me otherwise.
I'm just fed up of people telling me what to do. Don't tell me that I can't do things. If I'm doing it the wrong me then point the direction of where I'm suppose to go. At least I can find my way. To condemn my actions and not provide an alternative solution is the worst thing a person can do. But its okay, people will always try to bring you down. I am prepared to go through all of that. God is always with me and he will help me in the parts that I cannot do myself, I believe it, my friends believe it. A true friend is a person who believes in you and will always keeps their eyes and ears open for ways to help you. They sympathize your troubles, they empathize on your difficulties, and they respect your decisions. They advise you for your benefit and not really for their own, and they are there in the hardest of moments when everyone else is not there. I am that sort of friend to all my friends. How many actually act the same way towards me? How many actually know who I am and my capabilities? Not many I can bet.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Focus.....
I felt like the past few months of my life was like Alice falling into the rabbit hole. I knew I needed to get out of the dream... all I needed to do was to focus on my goal. But with so many ifs in my head, I really needed a distraction. Which was what I did last weekend. With a head full of problems I distracted it with work and social play. Now the weekend is over, time to focus on important stuff. So many things to do, so many people to meet and my social calender is filled all the way to end of May.
It is crucial for me to focus - and letting myself loose for the weekend actually helped channel my focus inward and outward. I do admit, I am a workaholic, perhaps of the worst kind. I would choose work over leisure any day, and its no wonder I remain single for so long. Everybody's girl but owned by no one, I would say. I doubt I could afford to be tied down in any relationship at the moment. Time does not permit it.
Don't get me wrong, I am happy with my life. I am also happy with the decisions that I have made to make my life better and the opportunities that has opened in front of me. Yes, perhaps I am just one woman, definitely stress is of no question. But its a good stress, because I perceive it that way. Everything is starting to fall into place, I shouldn't complain. I'm not complaining.
All I need is to focus. I feel a wind of change. Things will be much better now. Amen.
It is crucial for me to focus - and letting myself loose for the weekend actually helped channel my focus inward and outward. I do admit, I am a workaholic, perhaps of the worst kind. I would choose work over leisure any day, and its no wonder I remain single for so long. Everybody's girl but owned by no one, I would say. I doubt I could afford to be tied down in any relationship at the moment. Time does not permit it.
Don't get me wrong, I am happy with my life. I am also happy with the decisions that I have made to make my life better and the opportunities that has opened in front of me. Yes, perhaps I am just one woman, definitely stress is of no question. But its a good stress, because I perceive it that way. Everything is starting to fall into place, I shouldn't complain. I'm not complaining.
All I need is to focus. I feel a wind of change. Things will be much better now. Amen.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Loneliness......
A lot of people have been asking me lately, "Marr, don't you feel lonely being single?". Since apparently almost everyone I meet seems to hint or suggest this notion, perhaps I should clarify a few things.
First foremost, every human being wants to have a life companion. Even Adam got bored sitting in heaven alone that God created him Eve. When he was cast down to Earth, Eve was sent with him. It is human nature to feel lonely and craves companionship. Definitely. But that does not mean I'm desperate. In fact this lonely episode in my life to me is a blessing from the previous relationships that I have had. It gives me time to think and regroup, and I think finally at almost 30, I have reached a point where I know exactly who I am, and what I want to do in my life. I also know the exact type of man I need and what traits he will need to cope with me. There is no point of going into another romantic relationship where there is too many things to rectify, and too many efforts to make life tolerable when together. Okay, at this point it may struck a lot of blurness to the men who read this (if there are any).
You see, when I was a lot younger I was a pure believer of true love. I believed that love can make you change for the better and inspire you to do good deeds. You would sacrifice yourself to keep your partner happy, you would leave all the selfish activities you used to do just to please everyone. A 10 year love relationship, a 6 year marriage and 2 beautiful daughters changed my mind completely. I went into a commitment so gullible and naive thinking that for love, this man is willing to change and improve himself to make me happy, as how I did for him. But alas, my ideas and his were different. Now I understand that men are very simple creatures. To them, love is mainly physical - what you can see, touch and feel. There is no abstract to it. No need to think more than what is in front of you.
Being single for the past 3 years have put a lot of perspective to what an ideal life companion is to me. I have finally come to terms that I may be ideal for a lot of people, but they may not be ideal for me. Which man wouldn't want a woman who looks delicious, smells delicious but has the capability to whip up food that is more than delicious? But every item has a price to go with it, unfortunately many men do not realize this. The ones who do, shun away. Even if a guy does like me, doesn't mean I would like him back, unless he does some effort to attract my attention and give him an after thought. Sounds a bit cocky, but I do admit, I have high taste in most things, including men. But who can blame me? I'm not your average girl.
Some guys tell me I can't be too picky, maybe they are right, or maybe they are just trying to get into my pants? I'm not being picky, I'm praying God will guide me to the right one. There is a lot of things I need to see in a guy before I would even consider a relationship. The normal stuff, responsibility, intellect and charisma, gentleman manners are a complete must. I've also added a few other criterias such as tech savvy, health consciousness and financial stability and ideally financial freedom. Metrosexuality is a bonus - hey, its only fair that guys like me because of my style, my dressing and my smell that I should impose the same criteria to men. Basically, the guy has to offer me something, because definitely they would want me for something. And for the record, I'm not the sharing type - Sharing is not caring. Sharing is an excuse for men to be unfaithful. Although it is allowed by God, but it comes with great responsibility and honestly, there are only a few men who were able to pull it off and still have my respect. Still, I'm not your average woman, I would demand the same faithfulness in the man as how he would demand it with me. Like what I use to tell my ex-hubby - "You do, I do". And it was not a mere threat.
So what do you offer a woman who has brains, style, charisma, her own company, a luxurious office, and kids? One guy actually told me he could offer me a son (are you that sure?), since I only have daughters. I thought that it was so cute which is maybe why I have such a soft spot for him. (Unfortunately the same cliche does not work twice for anyone else, so other guys have to come up with something else). Other criterias were almost fulfilled except for there was one major issue with him, that made him crossed out from my potentials list. Pity.
Like Bon Jovi's song.... "Tonight, I won't be alone, it does not mean I'm not lonely....." (Bed of Roses) I don't sleep alone. I sleep with my baby girl and my elmo. I don't like sleeping alone, the bed feels so empty without another person on it. Similarly, I don't like to be single, but God wants me to be for the time being until I find the right person I guess. And he is out there I am confident. God will lead him to me one day, but its not today. Even if I remain single till the end of my days, God will come up with a plan to make me not feel so lonely by opening opportunities to the things that I like doing. So its a win win situation still.
I have nothing to worry about because I believe that I have God's Grace and thus God will protect me and guide me to what's best for myself and my children. Amen.
First foremost, every human being wants to have a life companion. Even Adam got bored sitting in heaven alone that God created him Eve. When he was cast down to Earth, Eve was sent with him. It is human nature to feel lonely and craves companionship. Definitely. But that does not mean I'm desperate. In fact this lonely episode in my life to me is a blessing from the previous relationships that I have had. It gives me time to think and regroup, and I think finally at almost 30, I have reached a point where I know exactly who I am, and what I want to do in my life. I also know the exact type of man I need and what traits he will need to cope with me. There is no point of going into another romantic relationship where there is too many things to rectify, and too many efforts to make life tolerable when together. Okay, at this point it may struck a lot of blurness to the men who read this (if there are any).
You see, when I was a lot younger I was a pure believer of true love. I believed that love can make you change for the better and inspire you to do good deeds. You would sacrifice yourself to keep your partner happy, you would leave all the selfish activities you used to do just to please everyone. A 10 year love relationship, a 6 year marriage and 2 beautiful daughters changed my mind completely. I went into a commitment so gullible and naive thinking that for love, this man is willing to change and improve himself to make me happy, as how I did for him. But alas, my ideas and his were different. Now I understand that men are very simple creatures. To them, love is mainly physical - what you can see, touch and feel. There is no abstract to it. No need to think more than what is in front of you.
Being single for the past 3 years have put a lot of perspective to what an ideal life companion is to me. I have finally come to terms that I may be ideal for a lot of people, but they may not be ideal for me. Which man wouldn't want a woman who looks delicious, smells delicious but has the capability to whip up food that is more than delicious? But every item has a price to go with it, unfortunately many men do not realize this. The ones who do, shun away. Even if a guy does like me, doesn't mean I would like him back, unless he does some effort to attract my attention and give him an after thought. Sounds a bit cocky, but I do admit, I have high taste in most things, including men. But who can blame me? I'm not your average girl.
Some guys tell me I can't be too picky, maybe they are right, or maybe they are just trying to get into my pants? I'm not being picky, I'm praying God will guide me to the right one. There is a lot of things I need to see in a guy before I would even consider a relationship. The normal stuff, responsibility, intellect and charisma, gentleman manners are a complete must. I've also added a few other criterias such as tech savvy, health consciousness and financial stability and ideally financial freedom. Metrosexuality is a bonus - hey, its only fair that guys like me because of my style, my dressing and my smell that I should impose the same criteria to men. Basically, the guy has to offer me something, because definitely they would want me for something. And for the record, I'm not the sharing type - Sharing is not caring. Sharing is an excuse for men to be unfaithful. Although it is allowed by God, but it comes with great responsibility and honestly, there are only a few men who were able to pull it off and still have my respect. Still, I'm not your average woman, I would demand the same faithfulness in the man as how he would demand it with me. Like what I use to tell my ex-hubby - "You do, I do". And it was not a mere threat.
So what do you offer a woman who has brains, style, charisma, her own company, a luxurious office, and kids? One guy actually told me he could offer me a son (are you that sure?), since I only have daughters. I thought that it was so cute which is maybe why I have such a soft spot for him. (Unfortunately the same cliche does not work twice for anyone else, so other guys have to come up with something else). Other criterias were almost fulfilled except for there was one major issue with him, that made him crossed out from my potentials list. Pity.
Like Bon Jovi's song.... "Tonight, I won't be alone, it does not mean I'm not lonely....." (Bed of Roses) I don't sleep alone. I sleep with my baby girl and my elmo. I don't like sleeping alone, the bed feels so empty without another person on it. Similarly, I don't like to be single, but God wants me to be for the time being until I find the right person I guess. And he is out there I am confident. God will lead him to me one day, but its not today. Even if I remain single till the end of my days, God will come up with a plan to make me not feel so lonely by opening opportunities to the things that I like doing. So its a win win situation still.
I have nothing to worry about because I believe that I have God's Grace and thus God will protect me and guide me to what's best for myself and my children. Amen.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Between love, faith and perceptions......
I believe that I am actually a simpleton despite the many complicated issues surrounding my life. My needs are simple, my wants are complicated. But hey, I'm just human aren't I. Its a nice Sunday afternoon and I actually crave to laze around on my bed, yet due to circumstances, I have chosen to work instead. Workaholic perhaps, but at least I feed my own mouth and I depend mainly on myself.
Recently I have been in contact with a lot of people with a lot of views pertaining to religion and politics. Each person had their argument to the matter, each person believed their argument was true and should be accepted as the right idea. I'm a very simple person. Everyone is free to have their own idea and perceptions depending on how they perceive it. As for matters of faith, I personally believe faith is a personal thing. It cannot be forced onto a person, it can be taught but acceptance and perception of faith will be based on each and every individual. Religion is a guideline to faith. At the end of the day, religion is to guide us to serve our one true God, acknowledge his disciples and teachings, and ensure that we become good human beings, who can live with each other on Earth with harmony. But then, I will not go on about faith lest would be regarded as a blashphemous individual. I have my own ideas and perception of faith, which I do not impose on other people, which does not run away from the accepted teachings of religion. It is how I understand how our relationship with God should be.
Speaking of relationships, I recently expressed to my family my intentions to remain single for the time being despite being 4 years alone. They were really open to the idea. My father insisted that I shouldn't remarry at all and just concentrate with my business, my studies and my girls. My sister loves the idea of me being carefree as what I am now.
Its not that I'm frustrated with men, although some believe I'm a man-hater. Its just that sometimes I feel like I'm attracting the wrong crowd of men, whom to me, is more interested in getting me to sleep with them than getting to know who I am, or caring for me. I can say that at least one different guy a week would say 'I love you' to me. Can anyone blame me for being skeptical? My usual argument would be, well you barely know me, how can you love me? Like what we say in Malaysia, 'Tak kenal maka tak cinta" which means "To not know, is to not love". I have yet to find a man interested enough to know about me that he'd go through all 129 entries I have here just to understand how my brain ticks. A simple gesture that means so much. Oh well, just have to be patient and wait till my heart reopens again.
Recently I have been in contact with a lot of people with a lot of views pertaining to religion and politics. Each person had their argument to the matter, each person believed their argument was true and should be accepted as the right idea. I'm a very simple person. Everyone is free to have their own idea and perceptions depending on how they perceive it. As for matters of faith, I personally believe faith is a personal thing. It cannot be forced onto a person, it can be taught but acceptance and perception of faith will be based on each and every individual. Religion is a guideline to faith. At the end of the day, religion is to guide us to serve our one true God, acknowledge his disciples and teachings, and ensure that we become good human beings, who can live with each other on Earth with harmony. But then, I will not go on about faith lest would be regarded as a blashphemous individual. I have my own ideas and perception of faith, which I do not impose on other people, which does not run away from the accepted teachings of religion. It is how I understand how our relationship with God should be.
Speaking of relationships, I recently expressed to my family my intentions to remain single for the time being despite being 4 years alone. They were really open to the idea. My father insisted that I shouldn't remarry at all and just concentrate with my business, my studies and my girls. My sister loves the idea of me being carefree as what I am now.
Its not that I'm frustrated with men, although some believe I'm a man-hater. Its just that sometimes I feel like I'm attracting the wrong crowd of men, whom to me, is more interested in getting me to sleep with them than getting to know who I am, or caring for me. I can say that at least one different guy a week would say 'I love you' to me. Can anyone blame me for being skeptical? My usual argument would be, well you barely know me, how can you love me? Like what we say in Malaysia, 'Tak kenal maka tak cinta" which means "To not know, is to not love". I have yet to find a man interested enough to know about me that he'd go through all 129 entries I have here just to understand how my brain ticks. A simple gesture that means so much. Oh well, just have to be patient and wait till my heart reopens again.
One Malaysia and Women Rights......
Although some may believe I'm one of those people who do not give a damn about the country, because I seem to be so aloof when it comes to the matter of politics and such, I do believe in working towards getting a more ideal community. Hence, yesterday, I found myself amidst very powerful women in our society i.e. the One Malaysia Women Forum. How I got myself involved in this was a mere accident, but it was fruitful and as a person of faith, I believed that there was good reason for me to be there. Perhaps God was reminding me of my direction, where I want to be, who I want to be.
The most interesting part was during the group discussions, where I joined in the professional group of ladies. Our assignment was to answer questions regarding the forum which revolves around One Malaysia and women rights. It was a very interesting session where I got to meet with few ladies that I personally admire. What I liked most was Dato' Sharifah's (South Pole Exp) explanation on education - We not only need to educate ourselves as women, but we also need to educate men on respecting women and their rights. Thumbs up to you. Men too need to be educated on how to treat a women, and understanding what gender equality means. I was given the opportunity to explain about strengthening and implementation of women laws. The key point was educating women and the society about what are women rights and laws governing, because you would not realize that your rights have been breach if you do not understand or know about them. At the end, we listened to the First Lady's ending speech - impromtu and the take home message was really good. First was about we are all Malaysians, born, brought up and fed on the same soil, so there should not be any racial discrimination. Secondly, women should work together and not stab each others back. Thirdly, the One Malaysia concept is an easy idea to open up platforms for discussions towards a better nation. Afterwards, my friend snapped a nice picture with the First Lady and I shook her hand. Overall, I actually felt a sense of satisfaction to be given a chance to contribute to the society by participating and voicing the ideas. The only setback was the slight over-exposure of myself, which I believe is a bit premature at this stage.
There are so many ways I can contribute to the society through these sort of platforms. I am a thinker and a doer, so I know when I devise a plan, I will follow through. The only setback at the moment is the current dilemma on the funding of my clinic, which I have reduced to a minimum. Once that issue is settled, then I can focus on bigger things and helping the society. I have been frustrated by too many business men promising to help but bail out last minute. I am a professional business woman, why waste my time if you have no interest to help? One of the worst thing to give another human being is false hope. It is better to be honest and say straight front that you are not willing to help on what basis. I respect one businessman that I approached earlier who told me straight front that he is not keen to invest because it wasn't his line and he was not familiar with my nature of business. To me, there was no hard feelings because he was honest to his opinion and I have to respect that. God gives us wealth and rezeki, and once he puts in into our hands, it is up to us to use it wisely. We shouldn't be angry at people who refuse to help us in our dire moment of need because that is his right, the wealth belongs to him. It is not ours. However, if a person promises to help but then doesn't at the 11th hour, well we do have reason to be angry because he wasted our time by giving us false hope. I have come across a lot of people who promise to help out, when they themselves are incapable. There is an old Malay saying - 'Ukur baju pada badan sendiri" , which means you should measure your clothes with your own body, i.e. do not take onto yourself responsibilities that you already know you are incapable of doing. Although the lesson is bitter, but I know what God wants me to do. If I am capable to do this on my own I will, if not God will help by sending someone to help me out. Insya Allah.
The most interesting part was during the group discussions, where I joined in the professional group of ladies. Our assignment was to answer questions regarding the forum which revolves around One Malaysia and women rights. It was a very interesting session where I got to meet with few ladies that I personally admire. What I liked most was Dato' Sharifah's (South Pole Exp) explanation on education - We not only need to educate ourselves as women, but we also need to educate men on respecting women and their rights. Thumbs up to you. Men too need to be educated on how to treat a women, and understanding what gender equality means. I was given the opportunity to explain about strengthening and implementation of women laws. The key point was educating women and the society about what are women rights and laws governing, because you would not realize that your rights have been breach if you do not understand or know about them. At the end, we listened to the First Lady's ending speech - impromtu and the take home message was really good. First was about we are all Malaysians, born, brought up and fed on the same soil, so there should not be any racial discrimination. Secondly, women should work together and not stab each others back. Thirdly, the One Malaysia concept is an easy idea to open up platforms for discussions towards a better nation. Afterwards, my friend snapped a nice picture with the First Lady and I shook her hand. Overall, I actually felt a sense of satisfaction to be given a chance to contribute to the society by participating and voicing the ideas. The only setback was the slight over-exposure of myself, which I believe is a bit premature at this stage.
There are so many ways I can contribute to the society through these sort of platforms. I am a thinker and a doer, so I know when I devise a plan, I will follow through. The only setback at the moment is the current dilemma on the funding of my clinic, which I have reduced to a minimum. Once that issue is settled, then I can focus on bigger things and helping the society. I have been frustrated by too many business men promising to help but bail out last minute. I am a professional business woman, why waste my time if you have no interest to help? One of the worst thing to give another human being is false hope. It is better to be honest and say straight front that you are not willing to help on what basis. I respect one businessman that I approached earlier who told me straight front that he is not keen to invest because it wasn't his line and he was not familiar with my nature of business. To me, there was no hard feelings because he was honest to his opinion and I have to respect that. God gives us wealth and rezeki, and once he puts in into our hands, it is up to us to use it wisely. We shouldn't be angry at people who refuse to help us in our dire moment of need because that is his right, the wealth belongs to him. It is not ours. However, if a person promises to help but then doesn't at the 11th hour, well we do have reason to be angry because he wasted our time by giving us false hope. I have come across a lot of people who promise to help out, when they themselves are incapable. There is an old Malay saying - 'Ukur baju pada badan sendiri" , which means you should measure your clothes with your own body, i.e. do not take onto yourself responsibilities that you already know you are incapable of doing. Although the lesson is bitter, but I know what God wants me to do. If I am capable to do this on my own I will, if not God will help by sending someone to help me out. Insya Allah.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Between love, lust and just pure boredom.....
I have been pretty active in my social calender for the past few weeks since I decided to be single and stop whatever weird relationships I was having in the past. Frustrated perhaps, but it was more of a move for me to open up my mind to various characters and ideas. Also to regain my dignity from being toyed by men ruthlessly. I am not a sexual object. I am a person and I have more courage than most men I meet, so I deserve to be treated with equal respect.
Most guys I go out with would definitely tell me how attractive I am to them. Yeah, so what if I'm a hot sexy Gucci mama? There are brains, a heart and a soul behind all the outer illusion. You will never get through to me if you just acknowledge the outer appearance. Nothing turns me off more than a guy who treats me like an object. Unfortunately not many women share this idea. Because of the way the men in the society treats a woman, women are readily to accept it as a norm despite it not being the right thing.
Sometimes I feel like launching a nation wide campaign on woman awareness - Treat us like ladies not sluts. Guys nowadays were not like what they use to be. They lack respect for women and they lack tact. Sometimes I wonder why they act this way, perhaps lack of thinking?
How would you feel if another man passes sexual comments about your mother or sister? How would you feel if another man tries to hug and kiss your sister without her consent. By definitions of sexual harassment - passing any comment pertaining to a person's body sexually is considered verbal sexual harassment. Any form of touching with sexual intention is considered harassment.
Recently I rain-checked a get together with one of my pet brothers because he smsed to me saying that he couldn't wait to see me who is so hot and sexy. He got a field day from me that day. He said he was just complimenting me - a lot of guys think that statements like these are compliments whereas they are not. Our teachers never taught us to compliment a lady that way. You should say that the lady is beautiful or pretty, or looks sexy in that outfit - but don't refer to the person as an object. She might take it the wrong way and think that you are just interested in getting into her pants (which definitely we know most of the time men fantasizes so, but whatever is in the mind so be it).
At the end of the day, the question remains - is a relationship made based on love, lust or just boredom? One of my ex had the courage to admit that he liked me and mainly it was lust. Despite his audacious remark, at least he was honest.
Most guys I go out with would definitely tell me how attractive I am to them. Yeah, so what if I'm a hot sexy Gucci mama? There are brains, a heart and a soul behind all the outer illusion. You will never get through to me if you just acknowledge the outer appearance. Nothing turns me off more than a guy who treats me like an object. Unfortunately not many women share this idea. Because of the way the men in the society treats a woman, women are readily to accept it as a norm despite it not being the right thing.
Sometimes I feel like launching a nation wide campaign on woman awareness - Treat us like ladies not sluts. Guys nowadays were not like what they use to be. They lack respect for women and they lack tact. Sometimes I wonder why they act this way, perhaps lack of thinking?
How would you feel if another man passes sexual comments about your mother or sister? How would you feel if another man tries to hug and kiss your sister without her consent. By definitions of sexual harassment - passing any comment pertaining to a person's body sexually is considered verbal sexual harassment. Any form of touching with sexual intention is considered harassment.
Recently I rain-checked a get together with one of my pet brothers because he smsed to me saying that he couldn't wait to see me who is so hot and sexy. He got a field day from me that day. He said he was just complimenting me - a lot of guys think that statements like these are compliments whereas they are not. Our teachers never taught us to compliment a lady that way. You should say that the lady is beautiful or pretty, or looks sexy in that outfit - but don't refer to the person as an object. She might take it the wrong way and think that you are just interested in getting into her pants (which definitely we know most of the time men fantasizes so, but whatever is in the mind so be it).
At the end of the day, the question remains - is a relationship made based on love, lust or just boredom? One of my ex had the courage to admit that he liked me and mainly it was lust. Despite his audacious remark, at least he was honest.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
I'm upset.....
I am upset. Yes, finally I have come to admit that I really am. And why shouldn't I be? Too many things planned for more than half a year have been washed down the drain by incompetence. But that is besides the point. The fact that I am upset and its taking quite awhile to get through bothers me a lot.
Not many people can tell if I am upset or going through a hard time. I smile everyday and I look so carefree. Perhaps the only giveaway is the slimmer look but even that, most believe that I'm trying out a new diet regime for my clinic. But I know I'm upset. There are a lot of things I stopped doing, not because I can't, but I lost the lust for it. I stopped running every morning - its been 3 weeks since my last jog. I blamed the weather but I know its me. Without my usual adrenaline rush work-out, my energy level for the day dwindles. I barely do my routine 60 sit ups and my balancing exercises that keeps my body well-toned. I take day time naps which is unusual for me, and I barely sleep through the night without disturbance. The longest sleep period would be 6 hours (if I manage to get it that is). I barely eat. Its not that I'm not hungry, but I don't crave anything like I normally do. Usually I'm the one with the weird ideas of food delicacies and nowadays I hear myself saying whatever because I doubt I'd eat much. I lost another kilo this week unintentionally. And then I start going on a coffee binge. People seriously believe its because I'm addicted to coffee, partly yes and partly no. I know I'm not pregnant, because usually if I overdose myself with coffee its one of 2 things pregnancy or stress. Luckily I still enjoy the company of my angels, although too much of them gives me a headache.
I spend most of my time in my office. Doing research and writing up proposals. I know I'm upset because there is no drive to complete the blimey proposals which usually would take me 2 days the most. The sweet sound of the live band playing gives a soothing inspiration. Even writing on my blog seems a hard task, when writing is like a second nature to me. 3 weeks of low mood, if Stephen finds out he'll be suggesting another course of sweets to me and that to me is definitely a No No.
I have the whole world in front of me. There are many doors of opportunities that is within my reach. Really have to snap out of it. Too many people depend on me, because I am a rainmaker and if the rainmaker stops making rain? Maybe what I need is a shoulder to cry on - perhaps just someone to let it all out. Unfortunately most people I know will not have the capability of understanding what goes through my head, let alone cope with the emotional outburst that might happen. A lot of people believe I am superwoman - a single mum, a doctor, a business woman, a socialite, a strategist, a planner - but they forget, beneath it all I am just human.
Dear God, make me snap out of this fast. I need all parts of my brain and my heart to make what I plan to do work. Amen.
Not many people can tell if I am upset or going through a hard time. I smile everyday and I look so carefree. Perhaps the only giveaway is the slimmer look but even that, most believe that I'm trying out a new diet regime for my clinic. But I know I'm upset. There are a lot of things I stopped doing, not because I can't, but I lost the lust for it. I stopped running every morning - its been 3 weeks since my last jog. I blamed the weather but I know its me. Without my usual adrenaline rush work-out, my energy level for the day dwindles. I barely do my routine 60 sit ups and my balancing exercises that keeps my body well-toned. I take day time naps which is unusual for me, and I barely sleep through the night without disturbance. The longest sleep period would be 6 hours (if I manage to get it that is). I barely eat. Its not that I'm not hungry, but I don't crave anything like I normally do. Usually I'm the one with the weird ideas of food delicacies and nowadays I hear myself saying whatever because I doubt I'd eat much. I lost another kilo this week unintentionally. And then I start going on a coffee binge. People seriously believe its because I'm addicted to coffee, partly yes and partly no. I know I'm not pregnant, because usually if I overdose myself with coffee its one of 2 things pregnancy or stress. Luckily I still enjoy the company of my angels, although too much of them gives me a headache.
I spend most of my time in my office. Doing research and writing up proposals. I know I'm upset because there is no drive to complete the blimey proposals which usually would take me 2 days the most. The sweet sound of the live band playing gives a soothing inspiration. Even writing on my blog seems a hard task, when writing is like a second nature to me. 3 weeks of low mood, if Stephen finds out he'll be suggesting another course of sweets to me and that to me is definitely a No No.
I have the whole world in front of me. There are many doors of opportunities that is within my reach. Really have to snap out of it. Too many people depend on me, because I am a rainmaker and if the rainmaker stops making rain? Maybe what I need is a shoulder to cry on - perhaps just someone to let it all out. Unfortunately most people I know will not have the capability of understanding what goes through my head, let alone cope with the emotional outburst that might happen. A lot of people believe I am superwoman - a single mum, a doctor, a business woman, a socialite, a strategist, a planner - but they forget, beneath it all I am just human.
Dear God, make me snap out of this fast. I need all parts of my brain and my heart to make what I plan to do work. Amen.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Change..........
Its March and we celebrate the first signs of Spring.... despite living in a two climate country, the four seasons still affects a lot of aspects of my life. Although Malaysia is sunny and rain year round, I can feel the first bloom of flowers which to me is a sign for change and new things to come.....
Yes, I have changed. I do admit. These past 6 months have been one of the most heartbreaking experience of my life, which luckily I have survived through and thus definitely will make me more prepared for the future promised to me by the Creator. Like I always say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. God tests the best of us, I believe that with all my heart. Whatever difficulties that I can overcome I will, those that I have trouble with, God will help definitely. This is my faith, though some may think I'm too optimistic, its okay. Beliefs and faith are an individual's own perception.
I have somewhat rather disappeared from the social scene. Its not that I do not appreciate the many people I know, but sometimes you need time to just step back and evaluate your life and the people around you. And maybe that is just what I am doing now. Too many heart breaking truths that emerged recently has caused me to thread more carefully than before. But it doesn't mean that I don't enjoy myself, nor did that crazy hyper active bubbly coffee addicted superwoman changed into some quiet sleeping beauty. I'm still me, just a little bit more careful.
I've also decided to concentrate on my business and make it work. A friend told me that I can achieve whatever I want in 10 months or 10 years depending on myself - how focused am I to reach my goal? I am definitely focused now. I have decided to put all my relationships on hold and concentrate on getting my business up and running. It is actually wonderful to be single. I can do whatever I please, go out with whoever I want and go wherever I want, whenever I want. What else do I want?
Yeah, perhaps I miss having a guy to hold me and cuddle me.. there are a lot of part timers who would willingly hold and cuddle me if I wanted to - but I find that the most reassuring hug and cuddles are from my baby Nabilah... who is not a baby anymore - she's a preschooler now. Everyday we make it a point to cuddle up for at least half an hour be it in bed or in front of the telly. Not only it is good mummy and daughter bonding, it is highly destressing for the both of us. For this I am so fortunate.
Oh well... its been an interesting day... an interesting weekend... praying for better things to come tomorrow. Oh.. tomorrow I'll be attending a Dayang Norfaizah concert.. sorry girls.. already have a date.. :)
Yes, I have changed. I do admit. These past 6 months have been one of the most heartbreaking experience of my life, which luckily I have survived through and thus definitely will make me more prepared for the future promised to me by the Creator. Like I always say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. God tests the best of us, I believe that with all my heart. Whatever difficulties that I can overcome I will, those that I have trouble with, God will help definitely. This is my faith, though some may think I'm too optimistic, its okay. Beliefs and faith are an individual's own perception.
I have somewhat rather disappeared from the social scene. Its not that I do not appreciate the many people I know, but sometimes you need time to just step back and evaluate your life and the people around you. And maybe that is just what I am doing now. Too many heart breaking truths that emerged recently has caused me to thread more carefully than before. But it doesn't mean that I don't enjoy myself, nor did that crazy hyper active bubbly coffee addicted superwoman changed into some quiet sleeping beauty. I'm still me, just a little bit more careful.
I've also decided to concentrate on my business and make it work. A friend told me that I can achieve whatever I want in 10 months or 10 years depending on myself - how focused am I to reach my goal? I am definitely focused now. I have decided to put all my relationships on hold and concentrate on getting my business up and running. It is actually wonderful to be single. I can do whatever I please, go out with whoever I want and go wherever I want, whenever I want. What else do I want?
Yeah, perhaps I miss having a guy to hold me and cuddle me.. there are a lot of part timers who would willingly hold and cuddle me if I wanted to - but I find that the most reassuring hug and cuddles are from my baby Nabilah... who is not a baby anymore - she's a preschooler now. Everyday we make it a point to cuddle up for at least half an hour be it in bed or in front of the telly. Not only it is good mummy and daughter bonding, it is highly destressing for the both of us. For this I am so fortunate.
Oh well... its been an interesting day... an interesting weekend... praying for better things to come tomorrow. Oh.. tomorrow I'll be attending a Dayang Norfaizah concert.. sorry girls.. already have a date.. :)
Friday, February 26, 2010
Ramblings...
This has been a very interesting year indeed despite only 2 months passed. I'm sure with the turning of time it will get more and more exciting with all sorts of activities planned to bring great things my way, Insya Allah. Whatever the hurdle, whatever the need, I will definitely put my best into everything I do. Like I always say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Recently, I broke up with a guy (well not really that recent) and after settling for just friends, well lets say he had a taste of my unfiltered wrath and so we perhaps are not friends anymore. Perhaps its for the better. There was a certain attraction to the idiot (yes I am still mad at him but he's forgiven) but after scolding the poor lad, I felt unsettled. Perhaps I went a little bit too far. So I decided to apologize the the guy, not because he was right, but because I think my words were too harsh and I do realize that I have a tendency to hit certain sensitive spots with my words. Despite preferring to apologize face to face, Malay men hate confrontations, so I'll just have to make do by sending a text message instead.
After all of this transpired, I start asking myself whether do I really need a man to begin with? Well maybe at some point of time, later on when I am less busy as I am. But he has to be someone who is really interested to know who I am, not like most of the guys I meet nowadays are actually more interested with the outside appearance. What happens if my boobs start to sag? Would you still love me then?
I realize I am a highly complicated woman who requires a certain level of respect and understanding from the male counterpart. I can be an extremely romantic lover but it will only surface if I feel that the guy is worthy of my attention and hard work. Yes, I have mood swings, every woman does, but despite all that I do believe that if a guy is really interested in me, and invests time to understand me, it would be one of the best investments of his life.
For the time being, being single is so much fun. I get to do a lot of the stuff that I missed out earlier on. Yeah, maybe I do crave human touch and affection, but as long as God is my number one boyfriend, I doubt he'd let any guy with wrong intentions near me. So far, that is how its been - yeah, one day he'll give me the most suitable partner. I just have to be patient and wait. Amen.
Recently, I broke up with a guy (well not really that recent) and after settling for just friends, well lets say he had a taste of my unfiltered wrath and so we perhaps are not friends anymore. Perhaps its for the better. There was a certain attraction to the idiot (yes I am still mad at him but he's forgiven) but after scolding the poor lad, I felt unsettled. Perhaps I went a little bit too far. So I decided to apologize the the guy, not because he was right, but because I think my words were too harsh and I do realize that I have a tendency to hit certain sensitive spots with my words. Despite preferring to apologize face to face, Malay men hate confrontations, so I'll just have to make do by sending a text message instead.
After all of this transpired, I start asking myself whether do I really need a man to begin with? Well maybe at some point of time, later on when I am less busy as I am. But he has to be someone who is really interested to know who I am, not like most of the guys I meet nowadays are actually more interested with the outside appearance. What happens if my boobs start to sag? Would you still love me then?
I realize I am a highly complicated woman who requires a certain level of respect and understanding from the male counterpart. I can be an extremely romantic lover but it will only surface if I feel that the guy is worthy of my attention and hard work. Yes, I have mood swings, every woman does, but despite all that I do believe that if a guy is really interested in me, and invests time to understand me, it would be one of the best investments of his life.
For the time being, being single is so much fun. I get to do a lot of the stuff that I missed out earlier on. Yeah, maybe I do crave human touch and affection, but as long as God is my number one boyfriend, I doubt he'd let any guy with wrong intentions near me. So far, that is how its been - yeah, one day he'll give me the most suitable partner. I just have to be patient and wait. Amen.
Friday, February 12, 2010
So what if I'm a woman?....... Doesn't mean I'm dumb.
I haven't been able to write on my blog for quite awhile. Too many issues surrounding my head, and to find the right peaceful time to ramble is turning into quite a task, even for a master multi-tasker. But I guess this blog entry is just to sooth my nerves and calm my temper, almost sent some hounds after the idiot who ticked me off.
I met this guy last year after my heart break. He was a lot older than me in years, tall shy guy, more on the social side compared to the usual guys I use to date. I have to admit, there was strong chemistry between the two of us, so when he asked me to be his girlfriend, without much thought I said yes. It was the end of 2009, and I remembered myself saying that if I didn't have a bf by end of the year, I'll remain a bachelor till 35. Was he god sent? Perhaps.
The first 2 weeks of the relationship was fine, we were constantly seeing each other and in contact with each other, but by new year, things started to change. He didn't pick up my calls, and never returned them. He doesn't ever reply my smses and we barely meet. In fact I only met him once in January, and I talked to him on the phone maybe once a fortnight? After awhile I got fed up with this funny game. What is the point of having a boyfriend who is not there for you? So I decided, since he couldn't careless about what's going on with my life that we be just friends. I am a one man type woman. If I decide to be in relationship with one man, it'll be just that one man. To me, if you don't even have the courtesy to call me or spend time with me, then forget it. No point making my heart bleed for a guy who doesn't appreciate my worth.
Well, despite all that's happen, I was willing to give friendship a chance. He wanted my help for a few ventures he wanted to pursue. I, as usual, have all the contacts. I guess the weakness in me is that I always look at the goodness of people, and minimize the negative attitude. I marketed him quite good in the initial part, and many of my contacts were interested to help him out.
Unfortunately, there is a term in my language called "bodoh sombong". It means that the person is an idiot but does not realize or admit it, thus because of that he is incapable of learning anything. And because of that attitude also this friend of mine has successfully self-sabotaged his future by berating me and treating me badly. And you forget that it is on my recommendation that these people even notice you. Idiot.
First thing I wonder, why does he berate me so much? He doesn't really know me, he didn't grow up with me and he barely spends time with me. So in the first place, if you want to lecture me for my behaviour and the way i communicate with people, saying that I'm highly egoistic and stuck up, Excuse me mister - take a mirror and take a good look at yourself. What isn't that you have that gives you the right to lecture me? And besides, it is my help that you want in the first place to push you up, and you dare criticize me? I have just introduced you to my contacts, and you dare want to go direct with them when you have only really talked to them once? My God, you sure have guts. And you ask me why are you still where you are?
I maybe eccentric and I maybe out spoken, but that is who I am. No male chauvinistic pig is going to tell me to not be myself. If you have a problem with that then don't ask for my help in the first place. But if you are capable to gain what you want without my help, then you would have achieved it long before you knew me. Is it too much to ask for some respect and love for a way to achieve your dreams. I am not even asking for any monetary reimbursement, nor matrimony. It was my sincerest desire to help a fellow human, because I believed he had the capability to do what he wanted to do but needed a bit of guidance, and I wanted nothing in return except for his friendship. Period.
People who know me know that I am a bit outlandish in my ways, but they respect my heart and my effort. They respect the fact that I am the type of person who is willing to do everything it takes to make a difference, they respect my heart for its ever forgiving nature, they value my friendship because I am always a friend in need. Maybe the things that come out from my mouth are not all rosy but that's reality for you. Its no point whipping up roses, when your heart is as black as the abyss, with all sorts of conniving ideas to bring other people down.
Its not that I do not accept criticism well. I do for a fact. But it depends on who gives it and how it is given. You can't expect me to accept half an hour of lecturing and berating over my behaviour on the phone, when it is suppose to be you who should be listening to what I have to offer to help you achieve your dreams.
Well, I'm just going to keep quiet and see what he does. If he still has some functioning neurons in his head, he'd have the common sense to really apologize for what he did and what he put me through. If not, then it is his lost. Besides, does he really think people would want to help him if it was not for me..... Oh puh-lease..... like I said, if he could have succeeded without my help, he would have succeeded before. Lesson of the day, if you don't know, admit you don't know. Don't be a fool and piss every one off.
I met this guy last year after my heart break. He was a lot older than me in years, tall shy guy, more on the social side compared to the usual guys I use to date. I have to admit, there was strong chemistry between the two of us, so when he asked me to be his girlfriend, without much thought I said yes. It was the end of 2009, and I remembered myself saying that if I didn't have a bf by end of the year, I'll remain a bachelor till 35. Was he god sent? Perhaps.
The first 2 weeks of the relationship was fine, we were constantly seeing each other and in contact with each other, but by new year, things started to change. He didn't pick up my calls, and never returned them. He doesn't ever reply my smses and we barely meet. In fact I only met him once in January, and I talked to him on the phone maybe once a fortnight? After awhile I got fed up with this funny game. What is the point of having a boyfriend who is not there for you? So I decided, since he couldn't careless about what's going on with my life that we be just friends. I am a one man type woman. If I decide to be in relationship with one man, it'll be just that one man. To me, if you don't even have the courtesy to call me or spend time with me, then forget it. No point making my heart bleed for a guy who doesn't appreciate my worth.
Well, despite all that's happen, I was willing to give friendship a chance. He wanted my help for a few ventures he wanted to pursue. I, as usual, have all the contacts. I guess the weakness in me is that I always look at the goodness of people, and minimize the negative attitude. I marketed him quite good in the initial part, and many of my contacts were interested to help him out.
Unfortunately, there is a term in my language called "bodoh sombong". It means that the person is an idiot but does not realize or admit it, thus because of that he is incapable of learning anything. And because of that attitude also this friend of mine has successfully self-sabotaged his future by berating me and treating me badly. And you forget that it is on my recommendation that these people even notice you. Idiot.
First thing I wonder, why does he berate me so much? He doesn't really know me, he didn't grow up with me and he barely spends time with me. So in the first place, if you want to lecture me for my behaviour and the way i communicate with people, saying that I'm highly egoistic and stuck up, Excuse me mister - take a mirror and take a good look at yourself. What isn't that you have that gives you the right to lecture me? And besides, it is my help that you want in the first place to push you up, and you dare criticize me? I have just introduced you to my contacts, and you dare want to go direct with them when you have only really talked to them once? My God, you sure have guts. And you ask me why are you still where you are?
I maybe eccentric and I maybe out spoken, but that is who I am. No male chauvinistic pig is going to tell me to not be myself. If you have a problem with that then don't ask for my help in the first place. But if you are capable to gain what you want without my help, then you would have achieved it long before you knew me. Is it too much to ask for some respect and love for a way to achieve your dreams. I am not even asking for any monetary reimbursement, nor matrimony. It was my sincerest desire to help a fellow human, because I believed he had the capability to do what he wanted to do but needed a bit of guidance, and I wanted nothing in return except for his friendship. Period.
People who know me know that I am a bit outlandish in my ways, but they respect my heart and my effort. They respect the fact that I am the type of person who is willing to do everything it takes to make a difference, they respect my heart for its ever forgiving nature, they value my friendship because I am always a friend in need. Maybe the things that come out from my mouth are not all rosy but that's reality for you. Its no point whipping up roses, when your heart is as black as the abyss, with all sorts of conniving ideas to bring other people down.
Its not that I do not accept criticism well. I do for a fact. But it depends on who gives it and how it is given. You can't expect me to accept half an hour of lecturing and berating over my behaviour on the phone, when it is suppose to be you who should be listening to what I have to offer to help you achieve your dreams.
Well, I'm just going to keep quiet and see what he does. If he still has some functioning neurons in his head, he'd have the common sense to really apologize for what he did and what he put me through. If not, then it is his lost. Besides, does he really think people would want to help him if it was not for me..... Oh puh-lease..... like I said, if he could have succeeded without my help, he would have succeeded before. Lesson of the day, if you don't know, admit you don't know. Don't be a fool and piss every one off.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Do we get everything we pray for....?
I haven't written in my blog for quite awhile I know. Stress at work and trying to keep the company afloat, on top of all the other problems has definitely taken my toll on my creative side.
Plus the fact my ex has already finally tied the knot with his girl after a year of courting, well I would lie if I didn't say I felt a pang of sadness. Late nights when I find that sleep would not be my friend, I ask God, when is it my turn to find my partner. The person that loves me and understands me, and bothers about the things I do and is always there for me.
I have had strings of boyfriends in the past that at one point made me feel like I don't really need a guy. I even came to the point wondering whether was it me? Perhaps I pamper my guys too much, they start acting too mush like children - and I become like a mother instead.
End of last year, I met with a guy who suited my physical criterias, but in terms of the others, well there was some work to be done. Initially I didn't mind, because he was oh so charming. Metrosexual and there was such a strong chemistry between us, i think the whole room could feel the intensity. After 3 days, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. It was almost christmas, and I regarded him a xmas present from God. Another purpose he did serve was for me not to give up hope, because I did tell God that if I didn't have a bf by end of last eyar I would remain single till I was 35. And then he came out of nowhere. A miracle? Perhaps.
Initially thought it would be a happily ever after but unfortunately he had too many issues, among the many was his extremely hectic schedule and lack of ability to give me any time commitment. On top of that there was a domestic issue unresolved. Well, anyway, after the new year, he seemed to have disappeared into thin air and I was left asking myself whether was he for real or not. I called and he didn't answer, I smsed and he didn't reply. So after awhile, I told myself, okay, this is not the type of guy I needed and I sent him an sms telling him that its best we just became friends because he doesn't have any time for me. I'm a young, beautiful, talented, and resourceful person, I definitely deserve someone better.
So I prayed to God, to show me my most ideal partner. In the silence of the night I prayed. I prayed for the right person and for help to save my business. I prayed for strength and guidance, and I prayed for happiness that I longed craved.
And then one fine day, I met someone. Someone just like me in many ways. Someone despite our different background, seem to have the patience to learn to understand me. And after days of pondering, I told myself, well perhaps this is the type of person I really need. I have yet to consult God on this matter, I have been too exhausted to get up for my late nite routines.
God tests his servants in many ways. This maybe my test of virtue, instead of the hardships I've been going through. Well, maybe perhaps this is my life partner.... time will tell.
Plus the fact my ex has already finally tied the knot with his girl after a year of courting, well I would lie if I didn't say I felt a pang of sadness. Late nights when I find that sleep would not be my friend, I ask God, when is it my turn to find my partner. The person that loves me and understands me, and bothers about the things I do and is always there for me.
I have had strings of boyfriends in the past that at one point made me feel like I don't really need a guy. I even came to the point wondering whether was it me? Perhaps I pamper my guys too much, they start acting too mush like children - and I become like a mother instead.
End of last year, I met with a guy who suited my physical criterias, but in terms of the others, well there was some work to be done. Initially I didn't mind, because he was oh so charming. Metrosexual and there was such a strong chemistry between us, i think the whole room could feel the intensity. After 3 days, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. It was almost christmas, and I regarded him a xmas present from God. Another purpose he did serve was for me not to give up hope, because I did tell God that if I didn't have a bf by end of last eyar I would remain single till I was 35. And then he came out of nowhere. A miracle? Perhaps.
Initially thought it would be a happily ever after but unfortunately he had too many issues, among the many was his extremely hectic schedule and lack of ability to give me any time commitment. On top of that there was a domestic issue unresolved. Well, anyway, after the new year, he seemed to have disappeared into thin air and I was left asking myself whether was he for real or not. I called and he didn't answer, I smsed and he didn't reply. So after awhile, I told myself, okay, this is not the type of guy I needed and I sent him an sms telling him that its best we just became friends because he doesn't have any time for me. I'm a young, beautiful, talented, and resourceful person, I definitely deserve someone better.
So I prayed to God, to show me my most ideal partner. In the silence of the night I prayed. I prayed for the right person and for help to save my business. I prayed for strength and guidance, and I prayed for happiness that I longed craved.
And then one fine day, I met someone. Someone just like me in many ways. Someone despite our different background, seem to have the patience to learn to understand me. And after days of pondering, I told myself, well perhaps this is the type of person I really need. I have yet to consult God on this matter, I have been too exhausted to get up for my late nite routines.
God tests his servants in many ways. This maybe my test of virtue, instead of the hardships I've been going through. Well, maybe perhaps this is my life partner.... time will tell.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Love.....
There are many instances when I ask God about love. Why am I such a fool for love?, I sigh, trudging my way through the earth. Since I decided to make God as my first true love, I must admit, I feel a lot more calmer. I have less fear towards the hardships of life, I prayed as hard as I worked. It felt so natural, the balance that I craved so much for so long. Perhaps, I have already achieved it? No, I think my journey is just beginning.
I thought I found love end of last year. It was exciting, new, controversial but with a lot of issues. And after a long thought, it wasn't worth it. Heck, I forget I am not the same girl I was 10 years ago. At my current situation, I have to be very selective letting guys near me. After all, it is very difficult to find a decent man nowadays.
So one fine night, I woke up at around 4 am as usual. I forgotten my Isya', so I got up to pray. After finishing prayer, I asked God, when will I find true love, and then my gaze fell onto the bed. Lying on the bed was my little angel sleeping soundly, crawled up next to my pillow. She looked so peaceful lying there. I then realized, love was there all along - there lying next to me. My little angel that can always make me smile even in the worst of scenarios.
I promised her I'd come home early. Hopefully today I could. Amen.
I thought I found love end of last year. It was exciting, new, controversial but with a lot of issues. And after a long thought, it wasn't worth it. Heck, I forget I am not the same girl I was 10 years ago. At my current situation, I have to be very selective letting guys near me. After all, it is very difficult to find a decent man nowadays.
So one fine night, I woke up at around 4 am as usual. I forgotten my Isya', so I got up to pray. After finishing prayer, I asked God, when will I find true love, and then my gaze fell onto the bed. Lying on the bed was my little angel sleeping soundly, crawled up next to my pillow. She looked so peaceful lying there. I then realized, love was there all along - there lying next to me. My little angel that can always make me smile even in the worst of scenarios.
I promised her I'd come home early. Hopefully today I could. Amen.
Friday, January 1, 2010
2010 New Year Resolution
Normally my resolutions are long winded and detailed but I guess I'll keep that one on a hard copy diary. This is just the short versions of my resolutions for the year. Okie time to shoot:
1. Obtain a minimum of 5 digit salary a month.
2. Lose 10 kiloes by end of the year - current weight 68kg (Last year 78kg).
3. Buy my first property.
4. Go on a back-packing (or B&B) trip either in US or UK.
5. Go for Umrah.
6. Obtain financial freedom.
7. Get a new car.
8. Learn Mandarin.
9. Get my Diplomas in dermatology and aesthetics.
10. Take my kids to Disneyland.
11. Go on holiday to an Island paradise.
12. Ensure my business makes 100K/month sales.
13. Start the groundwork for my retirement plan project.
14. Learn a dance.
15. Get a steady life partner - yes I'm allowing my heart to love again.
16. Create a source of passive income.
17. Get a pair of Gucci glasses.
18. Involve in more relief works.
19. Enroll my babies into ballet and piano classes.
20. Be a better servant to Allah.
Okie... all the best and wish me luck!!!!
1. Obtain a minimum of 5 digit salary a month.
2. Lose 10 kiloes by end of the year - current weight 68kg (Last year 78kg).
3. Buy my first property.
4. Go on a back-packing (or B&B) trip either in US or UK.
5. Go for Umrah.
6. Obtain financial freedom.
7. Get a new car.
8. Learn Mandarin.
9. Get my Diplomas in dermatology and aesthetics.
10. Take my kids to Disneyland.
11. Go on holiday to an Island paradise.
12. Ensure my business makes 100K/month sales.
13. Start the groundwork for my retirement plan project.
14. Learn a dance.
15. Get a steady life partner - yes I'm allowing my heart to love again.
16. Create a source of passive income.
17. Get a pair of Gucci glasses.
18. Involve in more relief works.
19. Enroll my babies into ballet and piano classes.
20. Be a better servant to Allah.
Okie... all the best and wish me luck!!!!
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