It has been a very testing month for me despite October being my most favorite month.
God is certainly testing my patience and at some point I begin to question why? I know its blashphemous but I am just human. Being human too means that I have my limitations.
Its been a very exhausting and emotionally draining month for me. I seem to be losing so many things in the past month. I lost some money, I lost my phone, I lost the guy I love who happens to be a close friend so I've lost a friend too and now I lost one of my most prized assets just because of some mix up. It'll settle on Monday hopefully.
On top of that, I'm still juggling negotiations to secure external funds for my business and this month has proved to be such a disappointment. Not to mention me falling sick with a stuffy nose and a super husky voice for the past 3 days. Not even my super vitamins can keep ailments at bay. My God, sometimes I feel like I'm jinxed.
Yesterday I came home late. I was listening to Alicia Keys on the radio, "Some people want diamond rings, some just want everything, but everything means nothing, if I ain't got you......" Suddenly I realized tears were dripping down my cheeks. I guess I still miss my close friend who actually broke my heart, not because he decided to marry another woman, but rather because he decided not to be friends with me anymore. I just felt so sad to have to forget a person that I have known so well, for the past two years, someone who share his future ideations and opinions with me, so suddenly. Its a bit impossible to grasp why. Although I know that its not my choice to make, but sometimes I do wonder whether was it any of my fault that contributed to all this? The lack of explanations leaves so many question marks. Despite everybody telling me to shake it off and that he is an asshole and a jerk for treating me this way, and that he doesn't deserve my friendship and that karma will get back at him - oh well, anyone who really knew me would know that I only see the goodness in people.
So I went home today, whipped up a quick dinner for Nabilah to take away, and watched Oprah on the telly. I've always loved Oprah because she's such a power lady and I often told myself that when I grow up I want to be just like her. Well, I am gaining bits and pieces of it - I understand people well, I can communicate and listen well, I love kids and animals, I get involved in humanitarian work, I support breast cancer awareness, I support women organizations, and I try my best to help other people. Watching her show today lifted my spirits a bit. So I decided to send a thank you email to Oprah today. I wonder whether I'll get a reply.
Well its another weekend alone at home. The current events has forced me to stay home this weekend. Oh well, on the good side, perhaps I'll get that much needed rest I've been postponing.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
2 weeks to go......
Its another hectic week in the clinic as we race towards hitting our sales target. I think I've gotten most of myself back. Juggling between clinic work and my side jobs, business networking negotiations and my kids it looks like I have a lot on my plate already.
I received a call yesterday asking my confirmation to join the relief mission in Padang. There was still a lot of things to do to help the injured and sooth the people after the earth quake. I have postponed the trip to the very last mission, so I guess I'll be packing my bags and going on the 14th till 21st. No, its not because I was frustrated that I signed up for a relief mission - I may be a drama queen at times, but even that sounds too dramatic for me. I have been with this organization since my houseman days, contributing my knowledge, energy and time because initially there were too few doctors on board. Everyone was too excited to join MERCY. I decided to go with the smaller fish and contribute more. It was more fulfilling. Yes, maybe we lack the glamour, but humanitarian work is not about being in the spotlight. Its more of helping people in need. And being a doctor, I believe that my services are not just for what I do in the day to day basis, but also in times of emergency like this. Although this is the first time I am able to join oversea expedites. Previously I was either strung with calls or was in no shape to travel due to child birth and lactating. I just pray that there will be no more earth quakes, especially when I am there. It would be a disaster to be stranded in another country with natural disasters around you. Perhaps tomorrow is a test of my knowledge since I'll be taking care of Al-Islam ED for one day for Dr Azwan. I wonder how he is faring in Padang?
To all my friends, pray for my safety and my return. To anyone that I wronged or may have harboured any ill feelings towards me due to any of my words or actions, forgive me, in case I don't come back. I'm putting my faith in God to guide me while I am there. I will definitely miss my two angels and will definitely try to return safely as I went.
I have yet to break the news to my dad. I did hinted once, he was quite reluctant. Well, hopefully I get my blackberry before I go. Then at least he can text me everyday if he worries.
Just another 2 weeks and I'll be on a plane to Padang where a natural disaster has just occurred. I guess its worst than going for Haj or Umrah, I'll be exposed to a million and one types of illness and diseases, which I pray I have enough strength to overcome. Luckily lodging and food is provided but being a person with a fairly sensitive stomach I better get my own medic kit ready before I go.
Its late, I have to go home already. Praying for a better tomorrow. I guess nowadays that is what I spend most of my free time with. Praying to God to heal my heart, praying to God to guide me, praying to God to give me strength to solve my problems, and praying to God to remain as one of his loyal subjects.
Oh.. I need to contact my insurance agent before I go... just in case.
I received a call yesterday asking my confirmation to join the relief mission in Padang. There was still a lot of things to do to help the injured and sooth the people after the earth quake. I have postponed the trip to the very last mission, so I guess I'll be packing my bags and going on the 14th till 21st. No, its not because I was frustrated that I signed up for a relief mission - I may be a drama queen at times, but even that sounds too dramatic for me. I have been with this organization since my houseman days, contributing my knowledge, energy and time because initially there were too few doctors on board. Everyone was too excited to join MERCY. I decided to go with the smaller fish and contribute more. It was more fulfilling. Yes, maybe we lack the glamour, but humanitarian work is not about being in the spotlight. Its more of helping people in need. And being a doctor, I believe that my services are not just for what I do in the day to day basis, but also in times of emergency like this. Although this is the first time I am able to join oversea expedites. Previously I was either strung with calls or was in no shape to travel due to child birth and lactating. I just pray that there will be no more earth quakes, especially when I am there. It would be a disaster to be stranded in another country with natural disasters around you. Perhaps tomorrow is a test of my knowledge since I'll be taking care of Al-Islam ED for one day for Dr Azwan. I wonder how he is faring in Padang?
To all my friends, pray for my safety and my return. To anyone that I wronged or may have harboured any ill feelings towards me due to any of my words or actions, forgive me, in case I don't come back. I'm putting my faith in God to guide me while I am there. I will definitely miss my two angels and will definitely try to return safely as I went.
I have yet to break the news to my dad. I did hinted once, he was quite reluctant. Well, hopefully I get my blackberry before I go. Then at least he can text me everyday if he worries.
Just another 2 weeks and I'll be on a plane to Padang where a natural disaster has just occurred. I guess its worst than going for Haj or Umrah, I'll be exposed to a million and one types of illness and diseases, which I pray I have enough strength to overcome. Luckily lodging and food is provided but being a person with a fairly sensitive stomach I better get my own medic kit ready before I go.
Its late, I have to go home already. Praying for a better tomorrow. I guess nowadays that is what I spend most of my free time with. Praying to God to heal my heart, praying to God to guide me, praying to God to give me strength to solve my problems, and praying to God to remain as one of his loyal subjects.
Oh.. I need to contact my insurance agent before I go... just in case.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Perspectives.....
I have kept myself very busy lately with a lot of external activities from my clinic. Partly was because I am bracing myself for yet another month of minimal salary just to purge my business through, partly due to the recent events that has caused myself a lot of emotional stress.
God is fair, I remind myself everyday. In the absence of my full payroll, he has given chance to other sources of income to help me get through the month. I now find myself sitting as a private consultant on beautician training panel for the country, offering my expertise as an aesthetic doctor as well as my experience in government works. We are working up a new syllabus for beauticians, and since I'm already in, they have to call me in for each and every discussion. Tiring, but at least I know that I am doing all I can to sustain my family, besides contributing to the nation. This Wednesday I will be helping out my friend Dr Azwan as a full day locum at Hospital Al-Islam in Kampung Baru. I have never really been involved in ED work, although I spent a lot of time there during my specialty calls. The pay is not as much as consulting work but at least I get to brush up on my clinical and emergency skills, just pray that I'm not as Jonah there than when I was working full time in the government. Yet, you never know. As my sister always say, " With Adik there is never a dull moment."
Last weekend, I was involved with NOSS meeting for 2 days finishing on Saturday night at around 8. I had room reservations in Genting on Saturday night because I promised my best friend Farah to join her at the peak. I reached home at 9.30pm, tired as hell. My kids were waiting expectantly for me to return. I really just wanted to go up and sleep, but it was their weekend with me, I felt I owed them some private time. So by 10pm, I packed everyone into the car, left my maid at home alone and drove to the nearby convenient store to stock up on some supplies. I started my journey at 10.30 pm, and reached the top 10 minutes after 11. The whole Genting was packed with people, that parking was crazy. Aina looked at me and said "Wow, so many people, no wonder KL is empty. They are all up here." We shared a room with Farah and her hubby and son. Managed to get 2 hours of sleep, and the next day, I took my babies on the indoor rides. It was all fogged up outside. It was exhausting but fun, I'll upload the pictures into facebook later.
We drove down at 5 and reached KL before 6. I was really craving for my coffee already. My angels were asleep already and I had no radio (I left it in Farah's car). We reached home and I fell asleep until almost 8, when my girls came jumping on the bed. "Mummy, we're hungry."
Groggy from exhaustion and lack of sleep, I quickly showered, do my prayers, and pack all my kids into the car. Both wanted Chili's, so we went to KLCC for dinner. Its been a long time since I had both of them for Chilli's. They loved it, definitely.
Despite spending only 24+ hours with Aina, we talked more this time. She was telling me about having to follow her dad and family to Nilai 3 to look for bunga telur. I asked her casually when the big day is, but her father never told her the precise date. She kept asking whether she could come live with me if her dad got married. Being as diplomatic as I could, I told her it was her call and that is something she must discuss with her father and only if he agrees, then I'll talk to him about it. Its not that I don't want my daughter to live with me, but the pain of going up and down court for 2 years and having to separate them at the end was still fresh. Plus, I have agreed that Aina was my ex-'s responsibility, so he should make the call not me.
She also broached the subject of her dad telling her to call his new wife 'Mami'. The problem is, both my kids call me Mama and Mummy - depending on their mood. She doesn't want to call her 'Mami' because to her, she already has a mum which is me. I told her to discuss it with her dad, try to come to a proper consensus. Inside, I was cursing my ex with so many different languages. Could he at least be a bit more sensitive to my child's feelings? Aina is already 7, she is not dumb. The least you can do is to tell her nicely that you are remarrying, discuss with her that there will be a new woman living in the house, and ask her what she feels suitable for her to call the new lady, and negotiate intelligently. She's a child, not a pet. Don't treat her as if she doesn't understand what's going on. Nabilah is different because she is young and still unable to grasp the events happening.
In this situation, I completely differ from a lot of other people. If it was me marrying again, I told Aina simply, I wouldn't tell you what you should call my husband. You would have to decide, based on what you are comfortable with as long as it is a respectful nickname. My father never imposed on us to call his wife mum. We all call her Lela and she is happier at that.
My concept is very simple. I realize I am a woman with 2 children. Despite whatever I do, they will always be my children with my ex-husband. If a guy were smart enough to want me to be their companion in life, I wouldn't impose to him to be father to my 2 existing daughters. Instant fatherhood is stressful especially when they are not of your own. I won't expect the guy to do anything for my kids. I would cater for them myself as I have already done all this while. If he wants to be a father, then by all means, yeah let's start producing some of our own. I am highly fertile. If he feels that he wants to treat my children as his own daughters, by all means. But its okay if he just wants to be like an uncle. I'm confident I can do this because I don't really need a man in the first place. I'm well equipped to trudge along on my own. The only thing a man can add to my life is sex and more kids, if he wants to. Companionship is a bonus.
I know a lot of people may not agree on my opinion, but there is nothing in the Holy Book that says if your dad remarries you have to call his wife 'mother'. That is all culture. I will not be a lesser person if I do not uphold certain cultures. But that is just me, unique.
God is fair, I remind myself everyday. In the absence of my full payroll, he has given chance to other sources of income to help me get through the month. I now find myself sitting as a private consultant on beautician training panel for the country, offering my expertise as an aesthetic doctor as well as my experience in government works. We are working up a new syllabus for beauticians, and since I'm already in, they have to call me in for each and every discussion. Tiring, but at least I know that I am doing all I can to sustain my family, besides contributing to the nation. This Wednesday I will be helping out my friend Dr Azwan as a full day locum at Hospital Al-Islam in Kampung Baru. I have never really been involved in ED work, although I spent a lot of time there during my specialty calls. The pay is not as much as consulting work but at least I get to brush up on my clinical and emergency skills, just pray that I'm not as Jonah there than when I was working full time in the government. Yet, you never know. As my sister always say, " With Adik there is never a dull moment."
Last weekend, I was involved with NOSS meeting for 2 days finishing on Saturday night at around 8. I had room reservations in Genting on Saturday night because I promised my best friend Farah to join her at the peak. I reached home at 9.30pm, tired as hell. My kids were waiting expectantly for me to return. I really just wanted to go up and sleep, but it was their weekend with me, I felt I owed them some private time. So by 10pm, I packed everyone into the car, left my maid at home alone and drove to the nearby convenient store to stock up on some supplies. I started my journey at 10.30 pm, and reached the top 10 minutes after 11. The whole Genting was packed with people, that parking was crazy. Aina looked at me and said "Wow, so many people, no wonder KL is empty. They are all up here." We shared a room with Farah and her hubby and son. Managed to get 2 hours of sleep, and the next day, I took my babies on the indoor rides. It was all fogged up outside. It was exhausting but fun, I'll upload the pictures into facebook later.
We drove down at 5 and reached KL before 6. I was really craving for my coffee already. My angels were asleep already and I had no radio (I left it in Farah's car). We reached home and I fell asleep until almost 8, when my girls came jumping on the bed. "Mummy, we're hungry."
Groggy from exhaustion and lack of sleep, I quickly showered, do my prayers, and pack all my kids into the car. Both wanted Chili's, so we went to KLCC for dinner. Its been a long time since I had both of them for Chilli's. They loved it, definitely.
Despite spending only 24+ hours with Aina, we talked more this time. She was telling me about having to follow her dad and family to Nilai 3 to look for bunga telur. I asked her casually when the big day is, but her father never told her the precise date. She kept asking whether she could come live with me if her dad got married. Being as diplomatic as I could, I told her it was her call and that is something she must discuss with her father and only if he agrees, then I'll talk to him about it. Its not that I don't want my daughter to live with me, but the pain of going up and down court for 2 years and having to separate them at the end was still fresh. Plus, I have agreed that Aina was my ex-'s responsibility, so he should make the call not me.
She also broached the subject of her dad telling her to call his new wife 'Mami'. The problem is, both my kids call me Mama and Mummy - depending on their mood. She doesn't want to call her 'Mami' because to her, she already has a mum which is me. I told her to discuss it with her dad, try to come to a proper consensus. Inside, I was cursing my ex with so many different languages. Could he at least be a bit more sensitive to my child's feelings? Aina is already 7, she is not dumb. The least you can do is to tell her nicely that you are remarrying, discuss with her that there will be a new woman living in the house, and ask her what she feels suitable for her to call the new lady, and negotiate intelligently. She's a child, not a pet. Don't treat her as if she doesn't understand what's going on. Nabilah is different because she is young and still unable to grasp the events happening.
In this situation, I completely differ from a lot of other people. If it was me marrying again, I told Aina simply, I wouldn't tell you what you should call my husband. You would have to decide, based on what you are comfortable with as long as it is a respectful nickname. My father never imposed on us to call his wife mum. We all call her Lela and she is happier at that.
My concept is very simple. I realize I am a woman with 2 children. Despite whatever I do, they will always be my children with my ex-husband. If a guy were smart enough to want me to be their companion in life, I wouldn't impose to him to be father to my 2 existing daughters. Instant fatherhood is stressful especially when they are not of your own. I won't expect the guy to do anything for my kids. I would cater for them myself as I have already done all this while. If he wants to be a father, then by all means, yeah let's start producing some of our own. I am highly fertile. If he feels that he wants to treat my children as his own daughters, by all means. But its okay if he just wants to be like an uncle. I'm confident I can do this because I don't really need a man in the first place. I'm well equipped to trudge along on my own. The only thing a man can add to my life is sex and more kids, if he wants to. Companionship is a bonus.
I know a lot of people may not agree on my opinion, but there is nothing in the Holy Book that says if your dad remarries you have to call his wife 'mother'. That is all culture. I will not be a lesser person if I do not uphold certain cultures. But that is just me, unique.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Birthday 2009 Wrap Up........
Its another birthday, another year, yet I still feel 18. Okay perhaps this year I aged a bit so 21. Its a quiet birthday this year, unlike the years prior. But quiet as it seems, I still received 3 cakes on my birthday, a minimum quota for every year.
The reason for the lack of enthusiasm for celebrating the most important day of my life has a lot to do with the internal frustrations I face everyday related to the Company. Sometimes I feel that I've tried my best, but there are times I feel like I'm not doing enough.Its frustrating when people promise you pearls and diamonds but gives dust instead, its highly stressful when you need to renegotiate everything under the sun. I guess for the average person, you would easily succumb into depression and give up.
I think I was going through a phase of depression for the past 3 months now. Getting out of bed was becoming a more difficult task day by day. I just have to keep telling myself that I won't accomplish anything lying down. And to top all the unfortunate events, I lose the one guy that could make me smile even if my whole world was collapsing around me. Crazy as it seems, his actions actually pushed me into a better perspective. I feel more down to earth, facing reality as how it is and not how I want it to be. Painful, but a lesson important to learn. With a heart bruised, I guess I succumb myself more deeply into my work which is now my first and utmost priority. At least I need not worry about other distractions for the moment.
Every night I pray for guidance from God, guidance to settle the issues surrounding the Company because I fear I may not have the stamina to trudge on anymore, guidance to reorganize my life, guidance to my heart. Sometimes I wonder which ails me more, the Company issues, or the internal issues. Regardless, I pray everything settles as it should, so that I can continue with whatever God has planned for me to do in this world.
Its my birthday, I should rejoice that God still allows me to walk this world with good health. The month is not over yet, let's pray for good things to come.
The reason for the lack of enthusiasm for celebrating the most important day of my life has a lot to do with the internal frustrations I face everyday related to the Company. Sometimes I feel that I've tried my best, but there are times I feel like I'm not doing enough.Its frustrating when people promise you pearls and diamonds but gives dust instead, its highly stressful when you need to renegotiate everything under the sun. I guess for the average person, you would easily succumb into depression and give up.
I think I was going through a phase of depression for the past 3 months now. Getting out of bed was becoming a more difficult task day by day. I just have to keep telling myself that I won't accomplish anything lying down. And to top all the unfortunate events, I lose the one guy that could make me smile even if my whole world was collapsing around me. Crazy as it seems, his actions actually pushed me into a better perspective. I feel more down to earth, facing reality as how it is and not how I want it to be. Painful, but a lesson important to learn. With a heart bruised, I guess I succumb myself more deeply into my work which is now my first and utmost priority. At least I need not worry about other distractions for the moment.
Every night I pray for guidance from God, guidance to settle the issues surrounding the Company because I fear I may not have the stamina to trudge on anymore, guidance to reorganize my life, guidance to my heart. Sometimes I wonder which ails me more, the Company issues, or the internal issues. Regardless, I pray everything settles as it should, so that I can continue with whatever God has planned for me to do in this world.
Its my birthday, I should rejoice that God still allows me to walk this world with good health. The month is not over yet, let's pray for good things to come.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
2009 Birthday Resolution
In view of another completed year that God has granted me this life, it is an honour to be who I am now, as God has made me in all His greatness, that I would pledge to the following:
1. Be a better Muslim for the year to come and keep God as my first and foremost lover.
2. Take good care of myself - in terms of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health.
3. I will work hard for the success of my business and expansion of the Company.
4. I will not neglect my studies and will strive to improve my knowledge and skill.
5. I will not neglect my medical knowledge and will serve the society in any way possible when needed.
6. I will manage my finances better this year and avoid unnecessary spending and handle my debts wisely.
7. I will love and respect my dad because I only have one parent left in the world, and so I should be kind and gentle to him despite whatever transpired before.
8. I will be a better mum to both my children.
9. I will be a better friend to all that regards me as their friend.
10. I will not let a guy trample on my self confidence ever, nor will I bare my heart to be thrashed by a man ever again. If God wills it that a guy should be interested to be committed to me, then pray he has the patience to accept me as how I am. No more Miss Nice Girl.
Happy birthday to me a.k.a Manja a.k.a Maroqx a.k.a Meira a.k.a Marr a.k.a bad grunge girl with the good attitude but bad reputation. Forever 18.
1. Be a better Muslim for the year to come and keep God as my first and foremost lover.
2. Take good care of myself - in terms of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health.
3. I will work hard for the success of my business and expansion of the Company.
4. I will not neglect my studies and will strive to improve my knowledge and skill.
5. I will not neglect my medical knowledge and will serve the society in any way possible when needed.
6. I will manage my finances better this year and avoid unnecessary spending and handle my debts wisely.
7. I will love and respect my dad because I only have one parent left in the world, and so I should be kind and gentle to him despite whatever transpired before.
8. I will be a better mum to both my children.
9. I will be a better friend to all that regards me as their friend.
10. I will not let a guy trample on my self confidence ever, nor will I bare my heart to be thrashed by a man ever again. If God wills it that a guy should be interested to be committed to me, then pray he has the patience to accept me as how I am. No more Miss Nice Girl.
Happy birthday to me a.k.a Manja a.k.a Maroqx a.k.a Meira a.k.a Marr a.k.a bad grunge girl with the good attitude but bad reputation. Forever 18.
Eve of my birthday............
It is the eve of my birthday and I have just returned from a nice coffee and cake treat courtesy of Miss Haze.... Thanks babe... first cake and birthday song for the year. Really appreciate it.
Prior to that I was in Bukit Kiara cemetery paying homage to my late mother. It is my 10th birthday without her and as the years goes by, it doesn't seem to be any easier for me. I told her about the things happening in my life, the good things, the upsetting stuff, well I know some may think its blasphemous to talk to a tombstone, but its where I feel her closest, and somehow I believe she does listen - perhaps not as bothered. I really missed her so much, just 29 years ago I was still in her womb just about to come out the next day. I felt like a little child once more, hugging a memory that is so old. I still remember how she smiled, her voice, her style, her cooking. I remembered the time when she was sick, and the time I was called to the hospital at 5 am where she expired. The look on her face as I bathed her and kissed her forehead the very last time before escorting her body to the cemetery. Its been almost 10 years, but the memory is still so vivid, it felt like yesterday. I wept. I wished I could still hug and kiss her, and tell her how much I loved her - but I knew that it was already her time, so God must take her. Because she was taken from me, which is what made me stronger, if not I'd still be a spoilt rich brat. Perhaps my life would have been so much different?
Despite all the wistful thinking, I think if given a chance, I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't be who I am now if not for the things that happened in the past. Everything that happened, happened for a reason. It is up to ourselves to learn and understand what God wanted us to learn.
It will be my birthday soon, a start of a new year for my life. I get so excited going through each and every one because I know with every birthday, there is renewed confidence, renewed love and renewed character. I'm a better person every time my birthday comes around and I'm proud of being who I am. It is an incredible milestone compared to years before.
Thinking back compared to last year, despite the lack of crazy festivities, I think I have grown a bit wiser than last year and overall I am a lot happier than before. Yes, I may have broken my heart on a guy who took me for granted, but honestly, I'm really cool about it now. I have my closure, despite not able to meet him face to face, but I suddenly realized that God have better things installed for me in life, to waste my time on a man who doesn't even realize half my worth. Only an idiot would turn down a wonderful, beautiful, successful, sexy and intelligent woman like me. God loves me enough to not let me be owned by a man who would not be able to appreciate the goodness in me. The right one will come definitely. Lets see where the story goes.....
So sleepy... need to take my beauty sleep..... tomorrow is the most important day of the year. My birthday.
Prior to that I was in Bukit Kiara cemetery paying homage to my late mother. It is my 10th birthday without her and as the years goes by, it doesn't seem to be any easier for me. I told her about the things happening in my life, the good things, the upsetting stuff, well I know some may think its blasphemous to talk to a tombstone, but its where I feel her closest, and somehow I believe she does listen - perhaps not as bothered. I really missed her so much, just 29 years ago I was still in her womb just about to come out the next day. I felt like a little child once more, hugging a memory that is so old. I still remember how she smiled, her voice, her style, her cooking. I remembered the time when she was sick, and the time I was called to the hospital at 5 am where she expired. The look on her face as I bathed her and kissed her forehead the very last time before escorting her body to the cemetery. Its been almost 10 years, but the memory is still so vivid, it felt like yesterday. I wept. I wished I could still hug and kiss her, and tell her how much I loved her - but I knew that it was already her time, so God must take her. Because she was taken from me, which is what made me stronger, if not I'd still be a spoilt rich brat. Perhaps my life would have been so much different?
Despite all the wistful thinking, I think if given a chance, I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't be who I am now if not for the things that happened in the past. Everything that happened, happened for a reason. It is up to ourselves to learn and understand what God wanted us to learn.
It will be my birthday soon, a start of a new year for my life. I get so excited going through each and every one because I know with every birthday, there is renewed confidence, renewed love and renewed character. I'm a better person every time my birthday comes around and I'm proud of being who I am. It is an incredible milestone compared to years before.
Thinking back compared to last year, despite the lack of crazy festivities, I think I have grown a bit wiser than last year and overall I am a lot happier than before. Yes, I may have broken my heart on a guy who took me for granted, but honestly, I'm really cool about it now. I have my closure, despite not able to meet him face to face, but I suddenly realized that God have better things installed for me in life, to waste my time on a man who doesn't even realize half my worth. Only an idiot would turn down a wonderful, beautiful, successful, sexy and intelligent woman like me. God loves me enough to not let me be owned by a man who would not be able to appreciate the goodness in me. The right one will come definitely. Lets see where the story goes.....
So sleepy... need to take my beauty sleep..... tomorrow is the most important day of the year. My birthday.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Daddy... you are always the best......
I have been feeling really down lately but perhaps now I think I've gotten through most of it. If some may have noticed, I have deleted a few of my blog postings which I think were a bit inappropriate after an after thought. Sorry for those who felt insulted by any of my writings. I am moody after all.
Today is a start of a new week and I'm trudging every day as it goes. So many unresolved issues related to my business actually driving me up the wall. My recent frustration actually jacked up my stress level to the max. Its not easy, being me, but I know I'll pull through, God promised that, and I believe it.
So today I suddenly had the urge to have coffee with my dad. I missed him actually, its been two weeks since our last encounter. It started as our usual meetings where I would brief the company's progress, since he is after all the current chairman. I told him about my intention of adding an investor partner to hold maximum 20% to allow more room for enhancement. He agreed but strictly reminding me not to be conned again by lame promises. I just smiled. He worries about me constantly. Then we moved on to other dealings of business. And then finally to more personal topics.
WE talked about my youngest sister and I apologized to him for making him having to send her all the way to Malacca the last time. He said it was okay, but she did cross the line so she understood. He worries about my health, but if happy that I shed of a few pounds. "You look better now, except those eye bags. Do get more rest".
I asked him whether he knew about my personal frustrations. Well obviously, since my sister tells him everything. "I won't ask you about your personal relationships Adik. I know about what happened, but you're a big girl. You know how to handle it. Its normal to be sad, its human nature, but after awhile you'll be okay. Its just that I don't like people treating my daughter that way. You deserve better. Besides, you have more important things to think about. Focus on stabilizing your business." Well, its nice to hear kind words from my dad. I guess I needed to hear it from him too. I just told him that if God wills it to be then it will be, if not, then I'll just have to wait for another. Besides, if a guy can't realize how good I am for him, perhaps he is not meant for me after all.
I promised myself long ago that I will not let any man bring me down. I also have a deal with my dad that if any serious suitors come around, they'll have to be interviewed and grilled by him first before anything. Oh well, its a long way to go.
Right now I have a renewed confidence of getting my company into full throttle. Hopefully tomorrow harbours a better outcome to the question sin my head. Amen.
Today is a start of a new week and I'm trudging every day as it goes. So many unresolved issues related to my business actually driving me up the wall. My recent frustration actually jacked up my stress level to the max. Its not easy, being me, but I know I'll pull through, God promised that, and I believe it.
So today I suddenly had the urge to have coffee with my dad. I missed him actually, its been two weeks since our last encounter. It started as our usual meetings where I would brief the company's progress, since he is after all the current chairman. I told him about my intention of adding an investor partner to hold maximum 20% to allow more room for enhancement. He agreed but strictly reminding me not to be conned again by lame promises. I just smiled. He worries about me constantly. Then we moved on to other dealings of business. And then finally to more personal topics.
WE talked about my youngest sister and I apologized to him for making him having to send her all the way to Malacca the last time. He said it was okay, but she did cross the line so she understood. He worries about my health, but if happy that I shed of a few pounds. "You look better now, except those eye bags. Do get more rest".
I asked him whether he knew about my personal frustrations. Well obviously, since my sister tells him everything. "I won't ask you about your personal relationships Adik. I know about what happened, but you're a big girl. You know how to handle it. Its normal to be sad, its human nature, but after awhile you'll be okay. Its just that I don't like people treating my daughter that way. You deserve better. Besides, you have more important things to think about. Focus on stabilizing your business." Well, its nice to hear kind words from my dad. I guess I needed to hear it from him too. I just told him that if God wills it to be then it will be, if not, then I'll just have to wait for another. Besides, if a guy can't realize how good I am for him, perhaps he is not meant for me after all.
I promised myself long ago that I will not let any man bring me down. I also have a deal with my dad that if any serious suitors come around, they'll have to be interviewed and grilled by him first before anything. Oh well, its a long way to go.
Right now I have a renewed confidence of getting my company into full throttle. Hopefully tomorrow harbours a better outcome to the question sin my head. Amen.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
2009 Birthday Wish List......
Its just around the corner.... As usual my birthday celebrating mood is on roll. Today was Kay's birthday and we had a nice cake and I treated her to a complete make-up makeover with products. Compliments to Ismi for doing a really great job.
So this years wish list:
1. A new set of wheels - (Maybe next year)
2. Blackberry Bold - lalalalala
3. Chanel Allure EDT
4. Accessories.... bangles, necklaces etc..
5. New pair of crocs..
6. A nice spa getaway
7. A nice top that isn't black.
8. Make-up from MAC or Lancome
9. New heels.
10. Anything from Bodyshop or Loccitane - so crazy about natural products.
11. A nice romantic dinner
12. A hooting all girls party
13. A vacation
14. Green tea ice cream treat
15. Vanilla scented candles
16. A cat women suit :P
17. Wii fitness
18. Sony P series mini notebook
19. LCD TV to link up to my Wii
20. A guy to love me for the wonderful person I am. (Not that I'm desperate for one)
Oh well... I think this year's list is a bit easier than last years. Oh I do welcome any chocolates, flowers and soft teddies.
So this years wish list:
1. A new set of wheels - (Maybe next year)
2. Blackberry Bold - lalalalala
3. Chanel Allure EDT
4. Accessories.... bangles, necklaces etc..
5. New pair of crocs..
6. A nice spa getaway
7. A nice top that isn't black.
8. Make-up from MAC or Lancome
9. New heels.
10. Anything from Bodyshop or Loccitane - so crazy about natural products.
11. A nice romantic dinner
12. A hooting all girls party
13. A vacation
14. Green tea ice cream treat
15. Vanilla scented candles
16. A cat women suit :P
17. Wii fitness
18. Sony P series mini notebook
19. LCD TV to link up to my Wii
20. A guy to love me for the wonderful person I am. (Not that I'm desperate for one)
Oh well... I think this year's list is a bit easier than last years. Oh I do welcome any chocolates, flowers and soft teddies.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Musings....
I met up with a few friends today discussing potential future business opportunities and exchanging contacts. Usually when girls get together, the common question I get asked is about men.
"Mar, why don't you go and tackle a nice rich Dato'. You are young, attractive, smart and sophisticated. I can introduce you to some." I just smiled. Its not the first time someone asked me that question. She kept on saying how much money you can make, things you can get. Oh well, everyone has their own opinion to what they perceive of happiness.
I told her frankly, it is not about the money. For me, its more of the companionship. Love, wealth and fortune are things you need to put some effort in. Marriage is not suppose to be a quick lottery ticket to wealth, although many women wish they marry a rich and stable man so that their life would be easy. Well, sometimes I wish my thinking was that simple, but being me, as how God has created me, I just can't go with a guy for the sake of money.
I always believe that there is enough wealth to go around and if you ask God for some of his wealth he will grant it to you if you've worked hard enough. I proved that in a way by obtaining my prestige clinic in Starhill. I prayed day and night for God to help me obtain it, and now it is almost completely mine. Just a little more effort.
When it comes to men, well I am extremely picky. Not really for my sake, but rather theirs. I will never broach any subject of a relationship unless I am pretty sure I can be a good companion to him. Similarly, I don't tell a guy I want to be his wife unless I am pretty confident that I can do a good job and that I won't run astray. I did a mistake once accepting a guy's proposal of marriage only after 3 months of getting to know the person well, and then broke his heart. He did a mistake of proposing on my birthday since I wanted a birthday gift regardless whether it was a proposal gift for marriage. Unfortunately, the ring went missing one day, which was a sign that the relationship was not going to last anyway. I reevaluated the situation and I realized I couldn't be a good wife to him regardless of how much I try to negotiate the situation. He's still mad at me perhaps, but its for his benefit. I told him straight to his face that if I did marry him, the marriage won't even last 2 years, and I do not plan to get divorced a second time. Life is too short to go through the heart break twice.
I received a few calls from close friends and family worried about my recent distress. A lot of comments were given including pretty nasty words about the guy in question. For the record, we were never an item. I liked him and he knows it, he likes me as a friend but we haven't decided to take on a serious relationship despite 2 years gone by and despite how much I may be in love with him. Yeah, some argue saying that he knew I liked him and that he should have been honest to begin with but like I said, we were not an item, so being a guy he doesn't feel obliged to share any heart related information with me (although I did have a strong feeling from the beginning). Its not that I am making excuses for him, but this is something that he has to decide for himself.
If I were in his shoes, I'd be terribly confused. God puts two beautiful women in front of you and asks you to choose. Do you want a woman who is incredibly capable and talented and loves you for you but have other external issues surrounding her or would you go for the woman you had a long history with and your heart still aches for despite her short comings but refused your proposal before? Both have their strengths and weaknesses. It is not an easy decision. I guess this is God's test to him. I just pray he makes the right decision for his happiness. So lay off the harmful comments, it is a very difficult decision to make.
Besides, it is a process he needs to go through. God is All-knowing. I think I am beginning to understand why this situation transpired. It is to give him a chance to think and decide. Because if he didn't decide, he will never be happy. If I entered a relationship with him whilst his heart still misses another woman and he hasn't decided to close that chapter, he will never be able to love me fully and he may suddenly run back to her even if we were married. Similarly, if he chose to marry his long-time lover without deciding what to do with me, there would be a possibility of him running back into my arms for comfort when things are not as rosy. It is good for him to decide and make a stand. I have a feeling, he is still contemplating whether he has made the right move for the right reasons or not. Oh well, let him be. It is between himself and God. All I can do is pray that God guides him to grant him his happiness since he wanted me to pray for his happiness. Although I may be hurt by his decision, but out of love for him, as I have told him before, if it is God's will that he should choose another and will be happy with her, then by all means I would have to accept. Even though I know that I would be excellent for him, but it is up to him and God to decide. All I can do is pray for both our sakes, the best for both of us.
It is a hectic month and by the end of it I have a high possibility of being sent for relief mission since its almost my turn now. For the matters of the heart, I am leaving it to God's hands. Hopefully he has mercy on both of us. Amen.
"Mar, why don't you go and tackle a nice rich Dato'. You are young, attractive, smart and sophisticated. I can introduce you to some." I just smiled. Its not the first time someone asked me that question. She kept on saying how much money you can make, things you can get. Oh well, everyone has their own opinion to what they perceive of happiness.
I told her frankly, it is not about the money. For me, its more of the companionship. Love, wealth and fortune are things you need to put some effort in. Marriage is not suppose to be a quick lottery ticket to wealth, although many women wish they marry a rich and stable man so that their life would be easy. Well, sometimes I wish my thinking was that simple, but being me, as how God has created me, I just can't go with a guy for the sake of money.
I always believe that there is enough wealth to go around and if you ask God for some of his wealth he will grant it to you if you've worked hard enough. I proved that in a way by obtaining my prestige clinic in Starhill. I prayed day and night for God to help me obtain it, and now it is almost completely mine. Just a little more effort.
When it comes to men, well I am extremely picky. Not really for my sake, but rather theirs. I will never broach any subject of a relationship unless I am pretty sure I can be a good companion to him. Similarly, I don't tell a guy I want to be his wife unless I am pretty confident that I can do a good job and that I won't run astray. I did a mistake once accepting a guy's proposal of marriage only after 3 months of getting to know the person well, and then broke his heart. He did a mistake of proposing on my birthday since I wanted a birthday gift regardless whether it was a proposal gift for marriage. Unfortunately, the ring went missing one day, which was a sign that the relationship was not going to last anyway. I reevaluated the situation and I realized I couldn't be a good wife to him regardless of how much I try to negotiate the situation. He's still mad at me perhaps, but its for his benefit. I told him straight to his face that if I did marry him, the marriage won't even last 2 years, and I do not plan to get divorced a second time. Life is too short to go through the heart break twice.
I received a few calls from close friends and family worried about my recent distress. A lot of comments were given including pretty nasty words about the guy in question. For the record, we were never an item. I liked him and he knows it, he likes me as a friend but we haven't decided to take on a serious relationship despite 2 years gone by and despite how much I may be in love with him. Yeah, some argue saying that he knew I liked him and that he should have been honest to begin with but like I said, we were not an item, so being a guy he doesn't feel obliged to share any heart related information with me (although I did have a strong feeling from the beginning). Its not that I am making excuses for him, but this is something that he has to decide for himself.
If I were in his shoes, I'd be terribly confused. God puts two beautiful women in front of you and asks you to choose. Do you want a woman who is incredibly capable and talented and loves you for you but have other external issues surrounding her or would you go for the woman you had a long history with and your heart still aches for despite her short comings but refused your proposal before? Both have their strengths and weaknesses. It is not an easy decision. I guess this is God's test to him. I just pray he makes the right decision for his happiness. So lay off the harmful comments, it is a very difficult decision to make.
Besides, it is a process he needs to go through. God is All-knowing. I think I am beginning to understand why this situation transpired. It is to give him a chance to think and decide. Because if he didn't decide, he will never be happy. If I entered a relationship with him whilst his heart still misses another woman and he hasn't decided to close that chapter, he will never be able to love me fully and he may suddenly run back to her even if we were married. Similarly, if he chose to marry his long-time lover without deciding what to do with me, there would be a possibility of him running back into my arms for comfort when things are not as rosy. It is good for him to decide and make a stand. I have a feeling, he is still contemplating whether he has made the right move for the right reasons or not. Oh well, let him be. It is between himself and God. All I can do is pray that God guides him to grant him his happiness since he wanted me to pray for his happiness. Although I may be hurt by his decision, but out of love for him, as I have told him before, if it is God's will that he should choose another and will be happy with her, then by all means I would have to accept. Even though I know that I would be excellent for him, but it is up to him and God to decide. All I can do is pray for both our sakes, the best for both of us.
It is a hectic month and by the end of it I have a high possibility of being sent for relief mission since its almost my turn now. For the matters of the heart, I am leaving it to God's hands. Hopefully he has mercy on both of us. Amen.
Monday, October 12, 2009
I'm fine thank you.....
I guess my last blog post touched too many hearts. Thank you for those who called and texted me to see whether I was okay or not. Thank you also for those who took the time to spend some time with me during the weekend. I really appreciate the gestures given, it shows how many good friends around me who care. Yes, indeed I am a lucky girl.
I think I'm okay now, which actually translates to able to function normally on a day to day basis. Emotionally hurt, spiritually my faith in God will guide me to do what's best. I find myself asking God everyday why must it come to this, what was the lesson being taught to me now? Its okay. God is fair, things will turn out how it is suppose to be.
In my desperation, I rekindled an old habit of long walks in the mornings. It was a habit inculcated during the years my late grandmother use to live with us in Taman Tun. She use to wake me at 5-6 am and take long strolls around the playground in front of Taman Zaaba. We would do up to 10 rounds or until the Subuh prayer calling was heard, and we'd go in, shower and pray together. I usually fall back to sleep, but sometimes I would stay up and prepare breakfast for the family. When I take my early morning walks - usually about 6-7, sometimes I think of her. I miss her a lot, the stories, the advices and her matriarch demeanor. Unfortunately, the last encounter before she left the world wasn't as sweet as I wanted it to be because we were in a dispute since she did not agree on the way I dressed. Being a teenager at that time, I was rebellious. But I do regret not able to ask for forgiveness before she left, I have yet to pay homage to her grave and its been 10 years.
A year later, my mum joined her. Speaking of my late mother, it was her birthday last Sunday. I was having my time of the month so I couldn't visit her. But that Sunday I felt her presence in the house, it was a sooth and calming feeling and it help me sleep better. I got up at 6.00am feeling fresh. I have to make a quick stop to her grave sometime this week. My schedule is too packed. My usual trademark if I visit - 3 perfect roses. We both shared a passion for flowers.
People usually take for granted the important people in their lives until they are gone. Sometimes I do wonder if I go, will there be many who will miss me?
I think I'm okay now, which actually translates to able to function normally on a day to day basis. Emotionally hurt, spiritually my faith in God will guide me to do what's best. I find myself asking God everyday why must it come to this, what was the lesson being taught to me now? Its okay. God is fair, things will turn out how it is suppose to be.
In my desperation, I rekindled an old habit of long walks in the mornings. It was a habit inculcated during the years my late grandmother use to live with us in Taman Tun. She use to wake me at 5-6 am and take long strolls around the playground in front of Taman Zaaba. We would do up to 10 rounds or until the Subuh prayer calling was heard, and we'd go in, shower and pray together. I usually fall back to sleep, but sometimes I would stay up and prepare breakfast for the family. When I take my early morning walks - usually about 6-7, sometimes I think of her. I miss her a lot, the stories, the advices and her matriarch demeanor. Unfortunately, the last encounter before she left the world wasn't as sweet as I wanted it to be because we were in a dispute since she did not agree on the way I dressed. Being a teenager at that time, I was rebellious. But I do regret not able to ask for forgiveness before she left, I have yet to pay homage to her grave and its been 10 years.
A year later, my mum joined her. Speaking of my late mother, it was her birthday last Sunday. I was having my time of the month so I couldn't visit her. But that Sunday I felt her presence in the house, it was a sooth and calming feeling and it help me sleep better. I got up at 6.00am feeling fresh. I have to make a quick stop to her grave sometime this week. My schedule is too packed. My usual trademark if I visit - 3 perfect roses. We both shared a passion for flowers.
People usually take for granted the important people in their lives until they are gone. Sometimes I do wonder if I go, will there be many who will miss me?
Saturday, October 10, 2009
I am hurting... who am I kidding.....?
Every morning when I get out of bed I will look in the mirror and tell myself that I am a wonderful person. Not because I really needed to hear it, its just a practice to remind me of who I am. Life has been very promising this past two years despite many hurdles but I guess I am seeing the light of it.
Perhaps its true what people say when you are in love. The world is perceived differently. You feel happy for having that love feeling in you which radiates to your face and smile and infects the people around you. Yes, I could not deny, I believe I have been strucked by love, which has made my life more beautiful.
However, I was told that the object of my infatuation is now planning to move on with another beau. My reaction? Being the diplomat I always were, I congratulated him on his decision and was really happy for him, maybe for the first few hours until I begin to realize what this will lead to. Then the tears started pouring. Being in my office, I had to control my composure. Furthermore, my father had requested my attendance to one of his functions and I did not want to humiliate him by turning up a mess. I sucked in a deep breath, dabbed some make-up on and drove to Royal Chulan for the Hari Raya celebration. Nabilah was there and I was entertaining her with food and balloons. As for myself, 2 oysters and some salmon sashimi and a plate of fruit and that was my last meal till now.
I went home and Nabilah's dad came round to pick her up. And then I was alone. Midsomer Murders was playing on the telly, I love that show. Sitting alone in the quiet serene environment of my living room, suddenly I felt a gush of tears and soon I guess I cried a river. It came to me as such a surprise, I felt so empty. I've never felt that way before. I spent the whole night trying to sleep but truthfully I only slept 30 minutes. I was really upset. I was somewhat confused to why I was reacting this way. I never thought a man could affect me so much. I guess there is a first time for something.
When sleep failed I went down to watch the telly at 4 am. I thought I was done with tears, but I ended up crying another river. My chest hurt. Just felt like something was breaking inside. I tried to reason myself and calm myself down. I was so thankful that my kids were not with me this weekend. Even my dad would have cried if he saw me in this sorry state. But I guess I was just human. Thank goodness for the solitary weekends that I make for myself. I felt ashamed for my own behaviour.
I got up and took a shower at 5 am. Tried to sleep but still no avail. At 7, I decided to go jogging. I drove to Taman TAR and started to track uphill. I haven't done the course in so long, my lungs felt like exploding. But it was a nice change to see dawn and the serene morning. After jogging, I decided to go to a friends house for breakfast but ended up drinking only Milo. The pancakes looked nice but I felt nauseated and didn't want to eat. After a few hours, I returned home and slept for 2 hours until the phone rang. Then I got up and went to work. I lost 3 kg overnight. Funny.
What bothers me is why did I react so badly to this news. Men come and go. If he's suppose to stay he would, I tell myself. Perhaps the 2 year friendship and year of courting had made my hopes go high. I cannot deny how much I loved this particular man. He was exactly what I asked for from God after I divorced my husband. Every single detail fitting each and every criteria. Including some of the things I didn't quite like but was necessary to keep me in line. The one and only man that I would have done anything for. But even from the start I told myself that I would readily accept if he chose someone else over me. It was unconditional love - which to me meant whatever makes the guy happy. I would sacrifice my own happiness just for him to get whatever he wants. I just hope he made the right choice. Its no point sacrificing for someone if they are not happy of the end result. But it was his choice to make. I could only render my services as a good friend to be here for him if he needed me.
I don't know whether I would ever love a man as much as I loved him. He feels like my missing half, the part of me that I only just found, and now he's going away. It took me 27 years to find a man that can match my wit and character, and now he chooses to be with someone else. Sometimes I feel like asking him, so what about our friendship? Does it not mean anything to you? The time we spent, the things we shared, the memories? But knowing him, I will never get an answer. Knowing him also, his decision was a bit too rash. But it is not for me to question. Deep inside, I believe he is my soulmate but soulmates don't necessarily marry each other.
Although I try to put a good front, my internal self is in agony. The balance has been disturbed, and it will take time to restore it. I do wonder how long my body wishes to retaliate food and rest. I hope not for long, I can't afford to be sick. I have too many things to do. For now I am keeping my heart with God, he knows whats best for me.
Perhaps its true what people say when you are in love. The world is perceived differently. You feel happy for having that love feeling in you which radiates to your face and smile and infects the people around you. Yes, I could not deny, I believe I have been strucked by love, which has made my life more beautiful.
However, I was told that the object of my infatuation is now planning to move on with another beau. My reaction? Being the diplomat I always were, I congratulated him on his decision and was really happy for him, maybe for the first few hours until I begin to realize what this will lead to. Then the tears started pouring. Being in my office, I had to control my composure. Furthermore, my father had requested my attendance to one of his functions and I did not want to humiliate him by turning up a mess. I sucked in a deep breath, dabbed some make-up on and drove to Royal Chulan for the Hari Raya celebration. Nabilah was there and I was entertaining her with food and balloons. As for myself, 2 oysters and some salmon sashimi and a plate of fruit and that was my last meal till now.
I went home and Nabilah's dad came round to pick her up. And then I was alone. Midsomer Murders was playing on the telly, I love that show. Sitting alone in the quiet serene environment of my living room, suddenly I felt a gush of tears and soon I guess I cried a river. It came to me as such a surprise, I felt so empty. I've never felt that way before. I spent the whole night trying to sleep but truthfully I only slept 30 minutes. I was really upset. I was somewhat confused to why I was reacting this way. I never thought a man could affect me so much. I guess there is a first time for something.
When sleep failed I went down to watch the telly at 4 am. I thought I was done with tears, but I ended up crying another river. My chest hurt. Just felt like something was breaking inside. I tried to reason myself and calm myself down. I was so thankful that my kids were not with me this weekend. Even my dad would have cried if he saw me in this sorry state. But I guess I was just human. Thank goodness for the solitary weekends that I make for myself. I felt ashamed for my own behaviour.
I got up and took a shower at 5 am. Tried to sleep but still no avail. At 7, I decided to go jogging. I drove to Taman TAR and started to track uphill. I haven't done the course in so long, my lungs felt like exploding. But it was a nice change to see dawn and the serene morning. After jogging, I decided to go to a friends house for breakfast but ended up drinking only Milo. The pancakes looked nice but I felt nauseated and didn't want to eat. After a few hours, I returned home and slept for 2 hours until the phone rang. Then I got up and went to work. I lost 3 kg overnight. Funny.
What bothers me is why did I react so badly to this news. Men come and go. If he's suppose to stay he would, I tell myself. Perhaps the 2 year friendship and year of courting had made my hopes go high. I cannot deny how much I loved this particular man. He was exactly what I asked for from God after I divorced my husband. Every single detail fitting each and every criteria. Including some of the things I didn't quite like but was necessary to keep me in line. The one and only man that I would have done anything for. But even from the start I told myself that I would readily accept if he chose someone else over me. It was unconditional love - which to me meant whatever makes the guy happy. I would sacrifice my own happiness just for him to get whatever he wants. I just hope he made the right choice. Its no point sacrificing for someone if they are not happy of the end result. But it was his choice to make. I could only render my services as a good friend to be here for him if he needed me.
I don't know whether I would ever love a man as much as I loved him. He feels like my missing half, the part of me that I only just found, and now he's going away. It took me 27 years to find a man that can match my wit and character, and now he chooses to be with someone else. Sometimes I feel like asking him, so what about our friendship? Does it not mean anything to you? The time we spent, the things we shared, the memories? But knowing him, I will never get an answer. Knowing him also, his decision was a bit too rash. But it is not for me to question. Deep inside, I believe he is my soulmate but soulmates don't necessarily marry each other.
Although I try to put a good front, my internal self is in agony. The balance has been disturbed, and it will take time to restore it. I do wonder how long my body wishes to retaliate food and rest. I hope not for long, I can't afford to be sick. I have too many things to do. For now I am keeping my heart with God, he knows whats best for me.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Hmm..........
I have so many things I want to write but unfortunately the little voice inside my head says wait and see... write about it later..... so let's express in a different form instead....
Sunday, October 4, 2009
God is always fair... why do we always forget?
I have been strung down with too many negative emotions of late. Perhaps its due to late menses, coupled with a very low financial situation that can drive anybody crazy, plus with minors to handle and other expectations to meet. I know that the worst is almost over, that patience will drag me to the next level and I'll be okay. I will definitely pull through. On top of all this, I discovered that I have lost the friendship of a valuable friend which feels like being stabbed in the heart with an ebony dagger - okay that sounds a bit too dramatic. I'll live, hurt but definitely will live and survive.
And with all this craziness, yesterday my ex-husband could simply ask me whether do I want to reconsider the child custody arrangement and let the kids live with me one week, with him one week. Enough is enough already you asshole of an idiot. I suffered 2 years because of the child custody case, spent all my resources and happily put myself into debt in order to get the kids, until the point that I had to let go of Aina into your care - most painfully and tearfully. I cried the whole night after making that decision, alone. My only counsel is that soon Aina will be 9, and she can decide to live with me if she wants to - if not, its okay, but I'll always be here for her. The kids need stability. This is what they get with the current arrangement. I need stability. I can't have half my months without any of my kids. My life won't mean anything. You have your frickking half-twit fiancee whom you'll soon marry - marry her first then you tell me if you still want the kids to be with you all the time.
In my desperation, I cried myself to sleep last night. I felt so unhappy. It was difficult to sleep at night, I sometimes roam my house, sit on the couch and watch the telly for anything good. I have lived in this house for so long, yet something felt amiss, something was missing. And I guess it was my happiness. It left a void in my soul which was difficult to describe. Perhaps I was heart broken. I don't know. Last night I prayed to God to help relieve my unhappiness, it just felt so bad.
So today I woke up with little enthusiasm. But my little girl was so cute sleeping next to me, it put a smile to my face. We got up to watch Dora the explorer, her favourite show. I made toast and mini cocktail sausages, and we had breakfast together. Then I headed off to my office, where a friend came over to see me. We chatted a bit, when a friend invited me for lunch and treated Japanese. I love Japanese food. Before I left my clinic, my American journalist friend popped by after so long of being away. We've set a lunch date for next week. Later this evening I'll be meeting up with my Aussie friend who comes over to see me every year.
I guess today wasn't so bad. Which is why I always tell myself that God is fair. When I feel so blue, he sends friends to cheer me up, when I'm low on cash, he sends friends who help me out, when I think that I am so alone in the world, he sends friends to remind me that I am not alone.
I know I'll be okay, because I know God protects and watches over me, and because my friends and family are always with me. Its time to head home. Tomorrow will be a more excellent day.
And with all this craziness, yesterday my ex-husband could simply ask me whether do I want to reconsider the child custody arrangement and let the kids live with me one week, with him one week. Enough is enough already you asshole of an idiot. I suffered 2 years because of the child custody case, spent all my resources and happily put myself into debt in order to get the kids, until the point that I had to let go of Aina into your care - most painfully and tearfully. I cried the whole night after making that decision, alone. My only counsel is that soon Aina will be 9, and she can decide to live with me if she wants to - if not, its okay, but I'll always be here for her. The kids need stability. This is what they get with the current arrangement. I need stability. I can't have half my months without any of my kids. My life won't mean anything. You have your frickking half-twit fiancee whom you'll soon marry - marry her first then you tell me if you still want the kids to be with you all the time.
In my desperation, I cried myself to sleep last night. I felt so unhappy. It was difficult to sleep at night, I sometimes roam my house, sit on the couch and watch the telly for anything good. I have lived in this house for so long, yet something felt amiss, something was missing. And I guess it was my happiness. It left a void in my soul which was difficult to describe. Perhaps I was heart broken. I don't know. Last night I prayed to God to help relieve my unhappiness, it just felt so bad.
So today I woke up with little enthusiasm. But my little girl was so cute sleeping next to me, it put a smile to my face. We got up to watch Dora the explorer, her favourite show. I made toast and mini cocktail sausages, and we had breakfast together. Then I headed off to my office, where a friend came over to see me. We chatted a bit, when a friend invited me for lunch and treated Japanese. I love Japanese food. Before I left my clinic, my American journalist friend popped by after so long of being away. We've set a lunch date for next week. Later this evening I'll be meeting up with my Aussie friend who comes over to see me every year.
I guess today wasn't so bad. Which is why I always tell myself that God is fair. When I feel so blue, he sends friends to cheer me up, when I'm low on cash, he sends friends who help me out, when I think that I am so alone in the world, he sends friends to remind me that I am not alone.
I know I'll be okay, because I know God protects and watches over me, and because my friends and family are always with me. Its time to head home. Tomorrow will be a more excellent day.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Its October......
Its October... my favourite month of the year. Its the month that my mom was born, I was born, my eldest daughter was born, my niece was born and a few other significant people in my life. It was the month that my ex-husband and I pledged our love when I was just 17, it was the month a lot of good things happen.
Its another 19 days till my birthday. Usually by now I will have my birthday wish list up on my blog as every year, and my birthday would be celebrated the whole month till November. I do admit I am a bit flamboyant when it comes to my birthday, the most important day of my life because I was born on that day and if I was born on any other day then it would not be me. Makes sense? Maybe not.
I have got a few listed items in my head but somehow rather, I don't really have the mood to list them down yet. Perhaps its because the one thing that I really want is something beyond my reach and control, that it renders everything else material and insignificant. Pathetic me. I guess if I bought myself all the diamonds in the world I would still feel amiss because of that one thing that I really wanted, I cannot get. I hate failures, I hate it when I can't get what my heart's desire. But I guess God is teaching me that he knows what's best for me. I know it, but sometimes I forget. So if I don't get what I want, despite trying my best, then maybe it is best that I just focus on the other things. But what if that thing is good for you, and that is the only thing you want now?
Well, the best thing to do is just tell myself that if it is meant to be, it is meant to be. For now I am focusing on my two girls, who are extremely demanding. Perhaps they are starting to realize how cool their mum really is, that they want to be more involved in my life. Speaking of which. I better head home, my babies are waiting.....
October is not over yet. Perhaps God is fair enough to give me that one thing that I really want so much.
Its another 19 days till my birthday. Usually by now I will have my birthday wish list up on my blog as every year, and my birthday would be celebrated the whole month till November. I do admit I am a bit flamboyant when it comes to my birthday, the most important day of my life because I was born on that day and if I was born on any other day then it would not be me. Makes sense? Maybe not.
I have got a few listed items in my head but somehow rather, I don't really have the mood to list them down yet. Perhaps its because the one thing that I really want is something beyond my reach and control, that it renders everything else material and insignificant. Pathetic me. I guess if I bought myself all the diamonds in the world I would still feel amiss because of that one thing that I really wanted, I cannot get. I hate failures, I hate it when I can't get what my heart's desire. But I guess God is teaching me that he knows what's best for me. I know it, but sometimes I forget. So if I don't get what I want, despite trying my best, then maybe it is best that I just focus on the other things. But what if that thing is good for you, and that is the only thing you want now?
Well, the best thing to do is just tell myself that if it is meant to be, it is meant to be. For now I am focusing on my two girls, who are extremely demanding. Perhaps they are starting to realize how cool their mum really is, that they want to be more involved in my life. Speaking of which. I better head home, my babies are waiting.....
October is not over yet. Perhaps God is fair enough to give me that one thing that I really want so much.
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