Have you ever felt that the whole world was against you?

It would be strange for many people to see me in tears, upset or rather depressed looking. I guess I am one of the best actresses of all time, one with the capability to wear so many different hats, appear non-nonchalant in times of extreme distress and to some extent appear completely happy go lucky. But underneath the facade of masks that I wear is a whole city of turmoil that perhaps only God would understand.

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel that your life is forfeited, that you are spiraling down to complete disaster despite the city of glory you have struggled to build with every drip of your sweat? Despite many words of reassurance, you do not see a complete solution, and even if you did, the solution may have come a few minutes too late that it becomes ironic. You still hold your head high, putting a good front, although you know that deep inside, whatever you are fighting for may not mean a thing tomorrow? Despite the many worried friends around you whom you know have least the capability to even relief you for even a bit, you fake a smile and tell them you're okay when actually you are not. And the worst part is being all alone without any confidante that you trust enough to share your inner secrets and help you at least believe there maybe some hope in all this madness.

At the end of the day, its between you and God. You just need to have faith and pray intently for this turmoil to resolve with all that you have worked for. But sometimes you feel like you've done so much and you wonder what else must you do. You've abstained from alcohol, smoking, loitering, stealing, bribing and even sex. You've ignored almost all material needs, except what is required to continue your hard work. You start feeling that life is unfair. You lose sleep or you sleep too much and act as if you don't care. You barely eat, and food brings no more joy to you. You start to isolate yourself from the world and people around you as much as you could. You want to cry but as the tears start to form you feel it is pointless.

The only thing you could do is pray and pray hard. Perhaps there are some sins that have yet to be realized. Perhaps there is more to the puzzle of faith that you currently know. Perhaps the lesson here is patience and humility. Perhaps by learning these two well, will then God grant the very wish that is in mind.

Whatever the outcome, I believe God will not fail me. I have tried my best and so be it, I will have to face all consequences with courage and patience. After all of this have settled, I guess it is time for me to make the long due visit to the sacred land. I have been called, now God has showed me the means, thus I must go. I just hope I survive this period of agony God's putting me through first. Amen.