Ugly Duckling Syndrome....

Today I spent 3 hours at a spa getting myself pampered with a nice sauna, massage and scrub. It use to be a monthly routine for me as my self-maintenance program which also included hair treatment and trimmings.

The lady who massaged me was 70, but she looked like she was only a few years shy of 60. She was good, but surprised when I told her I already had 2 kids as she was massaging my back. "You look like a virgin," she said. I showed her proof of my babies by the stretch marks on my tummy. She smiled. She kept saying I was beautiful, I just smiled shyly. When it comes from a woman, I don't really mind. Many ladies have told me that I was beautiful inside out, even when I wore my headscarf on a daily basis, even when I was a few pounds more than I should be. But I have trouble receiving a compliment of being beautiful from a guy.

In fact, if my memory serves me correct, no guy has ever told me that I was beautiful to my face. Normally guys would say that I was gorgeous, sexy, hot, delicious - okay I know it sounds really disgusting, but that's what I normally hear, and that usually turns me off completely. Okay, gorgeous is acceptable, but the rest makes me feel like a piece of meat.

Sometimes I ponder why I feel so sensitive when people try to compliment how I look. I guess what I have is the ugly duckling syndrome. I grew up a cute girl with the true sense of cuteness. My first high school boyfriend use to call me cute - which to him meant ugly but adorable. It sort of stuck to my head that I was actually ugly in eyes of men. The best I could ever be was adorable. There was this other boy in school who use to make fun of my nose because it was so small that it made my face appear flat. Especially at that time my face was more rounded, I reconciled myself by saying that Persian cats also had flat nose and round faces, but they were still adorable and expensive. My father never called me beautiful. I guess this had a lot to do with our culture, never to praise a child for their looks hence later they may grow up to be snobbish.

So growing up, I always felt that I was ugly. I hated my photos, I felt like I was not photogenic at all so I took less photos of myself and more of other people. I was very fascinated with beautiful people and subconsciously I collected best friends who were really beautiful. That only made me feel uglier. I kept on picking on my face, my body. I guess its true that a woman will always feel that her appearance is flawed until she is adored by men, despite not having any flaw at all. I always wished that the girl I see in the mirror would blossom into a beautiful woman, and I wait patiently for that day.

In a way, it was bad to have this lowered self-esteem, but on the other hand, it made me be more diligent when it came to taking care of myself. I was careful with what I used to keep my skin supple, I watched what I ate, and I chose my clothes well enough to enhance the good parts and hide those unwanted sights. I took care of my face, and thus I do have a natural look that is interesting even without make-up.

10 years later, I look into the mirror and I see a beautiful woman standing there without any make-up, without any artificial enhancements on the face. Despite believing that I am definitely beautiful inside out which makes it more alluring, I still have difficulty believing that I am beautiful in a man's eyes. It is definitely the ugly duckling syndrome, the gosling didn't notice he was a swan until a lady swan showed him. In my case, its the other way round. I have yet to find a man that can convince me that I am beautiful in his eyes. Does it really matter anyway?