If you are as smart as you think you are....

Today a had a nice visit from a young friend. We chatted about a lot of things, and one of the things that stuck to my head was a conversation about smart people. I was telling her, how I feel that I have to find a guy who can match my hyperactive brain or else I would drown in boredom. I related to her one of my blind date stories where I went out with a guy who may have well have half the IQ I was having, and I was bored stiff, and even had time to befriend the bar tender (for the record, I only drink mocktails and plain water).

She then told me about some of her colleagues who are extremely smart in academics but completely refused to go out and enjoy life, thus complains that her life is unhappy. And thus, my question goes - Is she as smart as she think she is? Yes definitely she is smart in academics, but academics does not account for everything.

This is my idea of a highly intelligent person. When I was younger, most my colleagues would regard me as a bright student who is normally top of the class. But when I started working, I had many colleagues who were extremely smart but their life were not so happy, and they were not as rich as they would like to be. Since then I started thinking, am I as smart as I think I am?

To me a smart person is not only good with knowledge but is also good at applying knowledge to have a happier and more meaningful life. From there I challenged myself. I told myself if I am as smart as most people think I am, I would definitely be able to make my riches and also live a happy life. It wasn't just about scientific data and evidence based statistics. It was a more holistic approach of using whatever knowledge God has given you to live a meaningful and satisfactory life.

Weekend with my babies...

Another weekend with my darlings although I have to admit, of late I have been very busy with appointments and clients and therefore, the time with my two angels were quite limited.

After a nice morning latte at Illy's (Yes, I believe I am getting addicted to the place), I raced home to get my babies. We went to my bestfriend's house where I became somewhat of a naked chef, whipping up buffalo wings and lasagna. Whilst everything was burning in the oven, I had to take my babies swimming downstairs. After swimming was the long awaited dinner, discussion for work and then my babies were already tired, so it was time to go home. Sent Aina back to her father, Nabilah sleeping softy and soundly at the back of my car.

There was something more I wanted to write but I guess the short swimming work-out has tired my brain as well. Oh well, there is always tomorrow.

I'm just an owl......

I'm just an owl,
Singing to the moon,
Hooting away while the night deepens,
I am just an owl,
Staring at the moon,
Wishing she would look my way,
Wishing she would be in my arms.

I am just an owl,
Spectator from afar,
How I wish I could cuddle her into my warm embrace,
How I wish I could tell her how much she makes my heart pace,
And that with every night my longing increase.

But I am just an owl,
Sitting here wishing for something,
That may not exist,
That brings me bliss,
But what say the moon,
Does she feel my love too,
Or am I destined to be blue,
To hoot the away night through.


Original idea by Manja

Now I understand why God gave me kids early......

Its funny when you look upon your life in the past and start thinking, if there was anything you could change would you do it any different? Despite of a lot of heartache int he past, the answer to that question would still remain as a NO. Regardless of what has occurred in the past, it is what makes me who I am now.

Yes, I am not perfect, but at least I know who I am, I know what I want, and I know where I am heading. On top of all that I deeply believe my faith will guide me to a better life.

2 weeks ago, my little baby was sent to her daddy for the holidays. It was the most torturous fortnight ever for me. I noticed that I worked non-stop with little regard to myself. I barely ate, I barely slept. Sometimes I came home, sometimes I didn't. I went on more impromtu dates, although I have no interest in starting any new relationships at the moment. There was like a great chasm in my life, something of utmost importance.

And when she came back yesterday, I slept better, I smiled more. I was happier, I wanted to be home more. I guess if I didn't have kids, I would completely neglect myself, my life would not be stabilized, I wouldn't be focused. Definitely, they are an important part of me, that makes me work hard everyday to ensure that my two princesses would have a secured future.

When it comes to settling down again with a man, its not that I'm against the idea, but now isn't the best time perhaps. I cannot commit to the person, I am too independent and my children still need most of my attention. The only benefit would be sex, but after 3 years without it, well its not that bad.

But yesterday was the past, I'm living today, and tomorrow is a new day. I'm leaving relationship issues to God - I seem to suck bad when I try to have it my way.

Ugly Duckling Syndrome....

Today I spent 3 hours at a spa getting myself pampered with a nice sauna, massage and scrub. It use to be a monthly routine for me as my self-maintenance program which also included hair treatment and trimmings.

The lady who massaged me was 70, but she looked like she was only a few years shy of 60. She was good, but surprised when I told her I already had 2 kids as she was massaging my back. "You look like a virgin," she said. I showed her proof of my babies by the stretch marks on my tummy. She smiled. She kept saying I was beautiful, I just smiled shyly. When it comes from a woman, I don't really mind. Many ladies have told me that I was beautiful inside out, even when I wore my headscarf on a daily basis, even when I was a few pounds more than I should be. But I have trouble receiving a compliment of being beautiful from a guy.

In fact, if my memory serves me correct, no guy has ever told me that I was beautiful to my face. Normally guys would say that I was gorgeous, sexy, hot, delicious - okay I know it sounds really disgusting, but that's what I normally hear, and that usually turns me off completely. Okay, gorgeous is acceptable, but the rest makes me feel like a piece of meat.

Sometimes I ponder why I feel so sensitive when people try to compliment how I look. I guess what I have is the ugly duckling syndrome. I grew up a cute girl with the true sense of cuteness. My first high school boyfriend use to call me cute - which to him meant ugly but adorable. It sort of stuck to my head that I was actually ugly in eyes of men. The best I could ever be was adorable. There was this other boy in school who use to make fun of my nose because it was so small that it made my face appear flat. Especially at that time my face was more rounded, I reconciled myself by saying that Persian cats also had flat nose and round faces, but they were still adorable and expensive. My father never called me beautiful. I guess this had a lot to do with our culture, never to praise a child for their looks hence later they may grow up to be snobbish.

So growing up, I always felt that I was ugly. I hated my photos, I felt like I was not photogenic at all so I took less photos of myself and more of other people. I was very fascinated with beautiful people and subconsciously I collected best friends who were really beautiful. That only made me feel uglier. I kept on picking on my face, my body. I guess its true that a woman will always feel that her appearance is flawed until she is adored by men, despite not having any flaw at all. I always wished that the girl I see in the mirror would blossom into a beautiful woman, and I wait patiently for that day.

In a way, it was bad to have this lowered self-esteem, but on the other hand, it made me be more diligent when it came to taking care of myself. I was careful with what I used to keep my skin supple, I watched what I ate, and I chose my clothes well enough to enhance the good parts and hide those unwanted sights. I took care of my face, and thus I do have a natural look that is interesting even without make-up.

10 years later, I look into the mirror and I see a beautiful woman standing there without any make-up, without any artificial enhancements on the face. Despite believing that I am definitely beautiful inside out which makes it more alluring, I still have difficulty believing that I am beautiful in a man's eyes. It is definitely the ugly duckling syndrome, the gosling didn't notice he was a swan until a lady swan showed him. In my case, its the other way round. I have yet to find a man that can convince me that I am beautiful in his eyes. Does it really matter anyway?

Singapore...

I actually have a long entry to write but I guess after walking almost 4km from Bencoolen Street to Scotts Road, i think my enthusiasm has just started to dwindled as I begin to yawn after a nice warm shower and baby lotion.
Overall, Singapore is not so bad. It is after all a small city as many would say. Walking around was really present, especially since nobody smoked around here, the city was pristine clean and well lit and organized. I guess I maybe someone who can live in Singapore due to its orderliness and cleanliness. KL sometimes dampens my mood especially when I get up and see a haze. Still, there is no place like home, I would miss the hectic busy life in KL unless I decide to move everything of importance to me to a new area.
Exploring new areas is a hobby I have always had since a kid. My good sense of direction and great memory proves to be an incredible asset especially after 15 years of not ever going anywhere.
Okay, Mr Sandman is knocking at my door.. need to get my beauty sleep.

Cats now kits... omg, sometimes I wonder why I torture myself....

A weird but ironic fact about myself, despite many people believing that I am self-absorbed, I do have an extreme soft spots for pets. Sometimes I question myself why do I bother but there is always that small voice inside of me that keep saying that its God's creatures, and if they come to you, means that you are entrusted with them and that every God's creature deserve to be treated with kindness.
So when two cute little kittens came dashing into my house one sunny day a year ago, despite the fact that I am very particular about hygiene, I didn't have the heart to turn them out, so this is where they have stayed for the past few months. Coming in and out as much as they wanted. I even took the liberty of taking them to the vet, getting them vaccinated, paid for the vet services, got them good food and kept them clean (or rather my maid did, thank goodness). Even when one of them went missing I was devastated. She came back later, pregnant and recently delivered a litter of kits, 5 to be exact. OMG. And I spent RM 700 on vet fees because she was sick, flea infested and trying to be a young mum at the same time. And now I have two big cats demanding my attention, and 5 small ones that have started to recognize my scent. As if my hectic schedule and my two kids were not enough to keep me occupied, I had to acquire cats.
But I completely do not have the heart to throw them out. My weakness perhaps. Oh well.. so worried about them since I'll be going to Singapore tomorrow.

2 years of change......

Yesterday I celebrated my second year anniversary as a single mama. It has been a very eventful 2 years with great changes to my live, my perceptions, and my goals. A lot of things have started to settle around me like the custody of the kids, my new business, my family and even my ex has decided to move by getting engaged this week.

After getting out of the marriage, I was extremely keen to settle down again, find a better guy and start the process of making offsprings. But after 2 years of being single and a few failed relationships, I finally understood that it was not just about settling down with any better guy. It was more of finding the right person that can handle my multiple personalities, extremely hyperactive brain, naughty but amiable nature and physical needs. My mistake in the past was trying to accommodate all the guys needs without actually realizing that in the long run, I would tire out because it was a one sided relationship. I needed something more than just a highly testosteroned being by my side. I needed someone that I could respect and admire, which would me that they should possess a certain intellectual level that could match mine, certain achievements in career and finances ideally better than mine, certain etiquettes and manners that would make me maintain mine, but at the same time is comfortable around me that they could just be themselves and so I could just be silly me. Am I asking for too much?

Looking back in the past 2 years, I have already received at least 4 marriage proposals which I had to decline. I'm having too much fun being single and doing my own thing without having to report to anyone except my dad perhaps. Still, if I do meet any guys that seem to pique my interest, the next thing is to ask God. If he's meant to be with me or our paths should intertwine further bring him closer, if he's not then send him far away and make me forget. Although I do miss being swept madly in love with a man, but for now its not the right time yet. God will let know when the right time for any serious relationships should occur, and definitely I'll know it.

Have you ever felt that the whole world was against you?

It would be strange for many people to see me in tears, upset or rather depressed looking. I guess I am one of the best actresses of all time, one with the capability to wear so many different hats, appear non-nonchalant in times of extreme distress and to some extent appear completely happy go lucky. But underneath the facade of masks that I wear is a whole city of turmoil that perhaps only God would understand.

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel that your life is forfeited, that you are spiraling down to complete disaster despite the city of glory you have struggled to build with every drip of your sweat? Despite many words of reassurance, you do not see a complete solution, and even if you did, the solution may have come a few minutes too late that it becomes ironic. You still hold your head high, putting a good front, although you know that deep inside, whatever you are fighting for may not mean a thing tomorrow? Despite the many worried friends around you whom you know have least the capability to even relief you for even a bit, you fake a smile and tell them you're okay when actually you are not. And the worst part is being all alone without any confidante that you trust enough to share your inner secrets and help you at least believe there maybe some hope in all this madness.

At the end of the day, its between you and God. You just need to have faith and pray intently for this turmoil to resolve with all that you have worked for. But sometimes you feel like you've done so much and you wonder what else must you do. You've abstained from alcohol, smoking, loitering, stealing, bribing and even sex. You've ignored almost all material needs, except what is required to continue your hard work. You start feeling that life is unfair. You lose sleep or you sleep too much and act as if you don't care. You barely eat, and food brings no more joy to you. You start to isolate yourself from the world and people around you as much as you could. You want to cry but as the tears start to form you feel it is pointless.

The only thing you could do is pray and pray hard. Perhaps there are some sins that have yet to be realized. Perhaps there is more to the puzzle of faith that you currently know. Perhaps the lesson here is patience and humility. Perhaps by learning these two well, will then God grant the very wish that is in mind.

Whatever the outcome, I believe God will not fail me. I have tried my best and so be it, I will have to face all consequences with courage and patience. After all of this have settled, I guess it is time for me to make the long due visit to the sacred land. I have been called, now God has showed me the means, thus I must go. I just hope I survive this period of agony God's putting me through first. Amen.