Times like this.......

Times like this I just feel like I want to disappear into a remote island and lay low for a couple of months. Times like this I wish I had a rich sugar daddy to cover my needs. Times like this I feel like I want to pack my bags and go anywhere besides here. Times like this, even sleep is too much pleasure. Times like this I just want someone to hold me and tell me things are going to be okay.

Call it breaking under pressure, I would say its just a minor crack. But the level of my stress endurance is way above the average person. Perhaps which is why I landed this job in the first place. I'm just praying that things would turn out alright.

Patience is not without limitations. Courage is not without fear. Love is not without sacrifices..... though maybe now I am sacrificing a life without love. My Libra instincts going haywire..... but that's just me. I know it, God knows it too.

Watching my little girl sleep, how I wish I didn't have to get out of bed today. Her serene face and pretty curly hair, her little fingers and small breaths. She is so beautiful, all children are beautiful. A guilty pang hits my heart as I smoothed her hair. I have been way past busy lately, and she is starting to miss me. Unconditional love - so pure, so simple, so easy.

If only I could learn to love God that way, perhaps my life would be happier.

Hectic life....

I've been receiving a lot of calls lately from friends and relatives. Some just wanted to say Hi, some had issues to discuss. Even my dad called me to see whether I was okay, which was quite weird considering I live not 40km away. Well perhaps it was because I forgot to pay homage to him last week made him so concern. My brother dropped by on the way home to send a few stuff and he asked whether was I well because I looked a bit under the weather, and my sister called concerned why I was so quiet.

I guess I just wanted some time alone because of all the madness going around. It was tiring, plus I have a full time job as my kid's guardian so it wasn't easy. Many a times I find myself lie awake on my bed despite laying there for hours unable to sleep and last night was such a night. When my baby girl woke up at 6.30 made it more impossible to sleep because she wanted to play. I guess she misses me a lot. I have been very busy lately. Even I miss her so much sometimes that I just come home from work, just to sleep and hug her before going off again. My poor baby. But its for our future, so I need to work hard.

My sister was berating me about men and dating. Well, she kept saying I was lonely which is why I needed a man. Perhaps I am lonely. You can't really talk to a 3 year old, they don't have enough attention span to listen to conversation, plus they don't reply much either because of limited vocab, and also the limitations of the innocent mind. Yes, I do have girlfriends but they either have a husband or at least a boyfriend which they spend most of their time with.

So I succumb myself into work and my studies. Luckily it is something I truly enjoy. But to the expense of my social life because day by day, I am turning into a workaholic. To the point that I think if I continue like this for the next 3-4 years, I would have no social life, I wouldn't care anymore and perhaps by then after achieving everything I want in this life, it wouldn't really matter if I was alone or not.

Okie... that's exaggerating.... God is fair. He will guide me to what is best for me. Maybe what I need is some distraction. Hmm... salsa classes sound interesting...

I'm upset and it takes more than ice cream to get over it...

The best way when you know you are an extreme emotional being is to admit the emotion and try to accept that its a normal part of life. Not easy, but I'll survive. I've tried sleeping, spa, watching movie at a cinema, binge on food but I'm still upset and its not a nice feeling, especially when I do not have time to be upset.

But its something that only I myself can get over and there are times when I just feel so depressed that even the weather starts to rain. I just hope this feeling goes away fast. I don't really eat, I sleep most of the time, I have no mood to do anything, and I barely even answer my phone. Or maybe I'm just exhausted with all and everything happening around me. I dunno.

Even to write my blog seems a horrible task. I think I'll try sleeping, maybe that'll help.

There is always a reason when you don't get what you want.... perhaps its time to stop and smell the roses...

I guess I've always been a go getter. Somebody that completely believes in achieving anything the heart desires as long as you are willing to put in the effort and believe. But as the years gone by, despite getting most everything I want, God definitely plays an important role.

So of late when my head is so full with too many things, I guess God just wanted to remind me that I was just human. Yes, I was extremely disappointed at how things turn out with the many issues regarding my business and my life, but its okay. You don't necessarily get what you want, even if you pray day and night for it. Because God knows what's best for you, so when he doesn't give you exactly what you want it may mean a few things. One, it may not be the right time yet. Two, you are not really sure of what you want and three perhaps what you want is not the best for you. A number four would be because you've been a naughty servant so you get punished by not getting what you want.

So even if I didn't get the things I planned to get this week, its okay. God knows best. Although my melancholic mood wasn't good for business at my clinic today, I'm just hoping it'll pass soon. Besides, life is too short to mope around with failures.

Like what I promised myself after I became single again, I would not let a minor glitch in my life ruin the whole master plan and I wouldn't sell myself short to any guy. God just wants me to love myself first before trying to commit to other things. Plus I have my baby girl who needs me more than anyone else in the world.

Why was I moping again?

Finally... the verdict....

It has been a day full of suspense and drama. Believe me, it was mentally and emotionally exhausting. I have been on a happy streak for the past two weeks which has helped my business a lot. Now came a very important day.

Today I attended court session after so many times going up and down for my kids. I have actually come to the verge of ignoring everything and stop fighting, if not for my lawyer who has been faithfully reminding me of the cause. Prior to court, a lengthy discussion with my lawyer and a few family meetings has led to a proposal for solution in view of our child custody case. I was willing to give up Aina's custody to the father as an attempt to resolve this issue fast. Initially, my ex refused giving all sorts of excuses. But a quick save plan by my lawyer who asked for another chance of reconciliation finally led to the decision that is now made into order.

So now the custody of the kids are as follows - Aina's custody to the father, while Nabilah remains under my care. Every weekend the kids are to meet and alternated between both parents. For school holidays, the days will be split, whilst raya alternated each year.

I guess its the best for all of us, although some may argue that the kids will have completely different backgrounds, but at least there is no more fighting, and there is stability, and each parent just needs to concentrate on one child at a time until any one of us decides to expand another family, or until any one of them decide to live with any one of us instead.

A great relief. I thank God for his Grace and Mercy. I was already at the verge of not caring anymore. And now its time to plan on the remainder of my life, where I want to go, what I want to achieve, when i want to resettle down again, and how I want to plan for my little daughter. I'm sure God will always guide me to give me the best in everything I do. Amen.

Wonderful Weekend of Bonding Time...

The weekend is over and my little girl is fast asleep next to me. I can her a faint snore as she cuddles onto a pillow with her bottle in her mouth. It is a complete blessing to be able to see my baby sleep, as I recalled months earlier she was taken away from me. Although at times, I do miss my elder daughter, but I just pray that she is happy and that her father treats her well.

So its just me and Nabilah for the weekend. We didn't really do much at all, except enjoyed each others company. It was a lazy weekend where both of us decided to stay in most of the time. On Saturday, we woke early around 9, showered together, visited nasi lemak stall we normally frequented, sent the car for a nice vacuum and then visited my friend who's daughter was admitted in Ampang Puteri for a viral illness. It was midday and my face hurt due to recent treatment with laser.

So after that we headed home and cuddled on the couch whilst watching Simpsons and then my little girl fell asleep in my arms. I guess I must have dozed off awhile later and we woke up nearing 5pm. Hungry, we drove to Ampang Point and had a lunch cum dinner at Octopus because Nabilah loves the miso. We were joined by my bestfriend Farah before we headed of to Cheras to see our newest addition to the family, my new niece. Returned home, hugged each other and went to bed while I surfed the net awhile.

Sunday was even more lazing around. We both woke up almost 9 but lazed in bed till 10am. Then we went down and had peanut butter and nutella toast for breakfast while watching Nemo. My maid came to take some stuff and then we continued lounging on the sofa. I baked my last frozen lasagna, while Nabilah took a long bath with her coloured balls. Then it was back to lounging on the sofa and it started to rain. Nabilah slept again, perhaps after the nice bath and mummy's massage, plus the rain and dark weather and I happily joined her. I woke up at 4pm, and then jumped into the shower. Yeah, I was smelly the whole day but it was nice to relax once in a while.

After dusk and prayers, we had dinner with a girlfriend in Ampang at Ampang Yong Tau Foo. Nabilah has a thing for tofu, so she had fun eating. It drizzled and my partner called me and asked me to come to my coffee shop in Bangsar. So we both went there, in the rain, spent a few hours and returned home. Back home, Nabilah crawled into bed, bottle in her mouth and after saying a prayer for her, she drifted to sleep.

It may have been a quiet weekend with minimal activities except hugging and sleeping, but it was a happy one. Nabilah appears more settled as she got to spend 2 whole days with me without me disappearing in my car after a long week of constant working. Tomorrow is Monday, and its another hectic week. I wonder what else we have planned for next weekend...

Sometimes people just don't get it...

I know I wrote earlier saying that I did not want to talk about my ex-hubby anymore since he is already history. But after receiving the news from my lawyer I guess a few things needed to be cleared up.

After 3 months of being separated with my first daughter, I finally decided to let go her custody to the father since he insists that he wants to take care of her. But now when I have finally painfully decided on doing so, he refuses. Saying that he doesn't want to separate the kids and so he wants one week here and one week there. Are you insane?

This is why I would say my ex-hubby is quite an idiot. The reason I am willing to give him Aina's custody is not because I have given up on my daughter or not want to take care of her. But rather to provide her with stability, because the father is just too stubborn. Stability in the sense that she can enjoy proper school and life in a stable home. Not being passed around like a ball.

What would he gain from prolonging this custody case? Totalmente nada. His lawyer would reap more benefits because when the case is prolonged, he has excuse to charge more. I would definitely not step down and he may in fact at the end of it, lose custody of both kids, with the court deciding visitation rights only once a fortnight, and since he pissed me off for being completely stubborn and uncooperative, well, lets say it'll take awhile for me to simmer down, when actually this can be resolved peacefully with him for once get of his egoistic horse that is only made up of false promises from people and just think for himself once. But no, I'm not putting myself in crossfire anymore. I am a completely different woman than who I was before, therefore I do not believe in sitting tight and letting some scumbag berate you on the past. For what I know, the past is history. Now its all about my babies and their welfare. Its not even about me in need of a partner. It all goes back to Aina and Nabilah, what would make them happy and be better children in the future.

If you really do not want to separate the children, then just let go of the custody to me. Let them stay in my house, let Aina go to school where she is suppose to, and you can come visit all you want, anytime with alternate weekends at your place. And if I need to travel, then you keep both, and we take turns during festive holidays. But this offer only goes one last time - the same offer I gave you 2 years ago when we were trying to resolve prior to going to trial, but you declined. And perhaps in time we can be friends again for the sake of our kids but for the time being do keep your distance because as I said, I'm a completely different woman now. You don't know me anymore. This offer is only valid till next hearing in court, so if you are really serious in settling this fast so that you can move on with your life, then your lawyer needs to speak to mine before Tuesday. Once the court decides, it will be more rigid and tedious for you. And I consider that you have been warned.

Despite Aina telling me that she wants to live with you, I still miss my little angel and sometimes I can see her face when she was just a babe, looking at me with her big dark eyes, and I would say, you have the most unique eyes.... my unique eyes (Aina Nadhirah).

Just chillin.......

Its late and tomorrow is another long day. Believe me, I would rather be at home curled up in my silk duvet hugging my elmo with my pixie abreast away with her bottle and barney by her side. With an absence of a king at home, its hard to decline late nite meetings. After all, I do need a break from it all.

But I guess my partner sensed my wrath. Being the youngest and only female partner, i guess its quite difficult in the sense that I am more emotional. So his normal reaction is to ask me out for a drink.. So here I am in Bangsar at wee hours.......

What do you do when you are stressed up.......?

What do you do if you are stressed up? Here are some of my not so successful and quite okay ways of releasing stress.

1. Retail therapy
This was definitely my favourite but it had downsides that I had to learn the hard way. It was a subconsciously taught behaviour from my mum because since I was young, I remembered how my mum would ask me to accompany her to Habib Jewels or some perfume counter each time she was pissed with my dad, and she'd buy something nice without even wincing at the price tag. During my growing up years, I would say I was quite the shopaholic. I was obsessed with shoes, dresses, perfume and a lot of things. I would spend an average of 1-2K on a shopping spree, the bigger the stress, the more I tend to spend. And having credit cards made it worst. The last splurge I made was more than 6 months ago which was my mac book. I've been trying hard to be a good girl since then.

2. Ice cream
Comfort food... yum yum. When I was in Form 5, I ate 10 sticks of splits after doing biology paper SPM... call me nutts. I was that upset. I still love ice cream, but I hate taking it alone....

3. Sleep
Its anomaly for me to sleep a lot. I'm usually so hyper. But soemtimes when I get too stressed up I can sleep more than 12 hours or at least mope in my room for a whole day.

4. Go on a roller coaster.
I love joy rides, thriller rides and things that turn you upside down topsy turvy.... the adrenaline rush is exhilarating. Unfortunately rides here are not as long.

5. Long drive.
Those who know me well knows that if I suddenly pack my stuff and head out of town, okay must have a lot of things on my brain to digest. I've driven >400km in one journey, without any true destination. Luckily the peninsular is not so big, or else god knows where I'd find myself.

6. Karaoke sessions....
Yeah, its great to exercise your vocal cords and scream your lungs out. Also a good reason to scream your tensions out.

7. A nice warm bath.
It is always sooooooooo relaxing to lie in a hot tub with vanilla candles surrounding it and rose essence in the water. Unfortunately, I wouldn't dare use my 13 year old bath tub so I have to wait for my own loft to enjoy this. Or perhaps I could book a suite and stay in the hotel and enjoy the nice bath, but even hotel baths are not particularly clean.

Okie.. can't think of anymore..... and have to go out.