Even a Mirror needs a mirror....

If anyone had actually noticed, my name meant mirror in loose Arabic dialect. You wouldn't find it in a conventional dictionary but if you ask old Arab speakers they would agree that it definitely meant mirror. Old tongue that is.

I spent years since childhood looking for the meaning of my name. Initially I hated it because I felt like it did not carry any meaning, thus I went with several other names just to pacify myself. I stumbled upon its meaning sometime while I was an undergrad medical student. Despite a funny meaning, it meant a lot of sense in explaining how I react to things.

A lot of people do not realize that I actually mirror their attitude back at them. It occurs sometimes subconsciously but usually if you treat me nice, I would be nice to you and vice versa. I can mimic a persons style, the way they talk and a lot of other things. Which is why maybe people find it difficult to understand the true me.

Even I myself find it difficult to understand certain issues that goes about in my higher centers. Recently, I received a not so nice comment about me from a friend who was concerned. I accept the comment sincerely because I know she's worried. She said that I appeared aloof most of the time, and half of the time I'm not even there.

After digesting everything she said, well I guess I was depressed. Not just depressed at the moment but prolonged depressed for past 2-3 months. I don't sleep well, I barely eat and my focus is haywire. Too many things are happening and half out of my control. I'm not really a control freak, but helplessness does things to your head at times.

My life was in complete turmoil. My beloved Aina is with her father and I have not seen her for almost 2 months, my ex is planning to marry this year, I've just barely settled most of my debts, my car sounds like its going to collapse anytime, my house is too big and I live alone with a toddler, my maids keep running off - and its recession period so business is a bit slow. The fact that I've been single for more than 6 months sometimes make me wonder is it me, or is it just because I'm too busy with my businesses and my toddler, I have no time to even look at any potential guys. Although sometimes I think that a guy would either be nuts or have balls of steel to actually dare start anything with me. I eat boys for breakfast... :P.

But the comment my friend made actually brought me down to earth. "You have one child with you Marr, don't forget that." In some instances, I guess I did. Especially when it came to focusing on work and study.

I remembered before my divorce, I vowed to myself that I will always be a good mum.Being aloof all the time does not make me a good mum. I cried when I realized how not there I was. Yes, it is very easy to get wrapped up with your own problems. I felt selfish. And I know that I am far from selfish, that is why God gave me kids. Because he knew I would put them first before myself.

So I apologized to Nabilah, and have decided to devote my time to paving a good present and future for her. After all, they are my offsprings, they would definitely inherit whatever legacy I have achieved for them. So now its self first, family second, career third and the last would be love unless it becomes part of the family.