Wisdom of elders.....

I guess I've always been the rebellious one in the family. Perhaps its middle child syndrome, perhaps its just me. My mum use to say I was not afraid of anything,but as years passed, life without her has taught me to fear quite a number of things.

I guess I have a history of disobedience which started during my teen years. Trying to accept my mum being bed ridden with the knowledge of losing her for good, plus the fact that my dad was introducing a new extension of the family completely tipped the scales from a highly obedient daughter to an extreme rebel.

But that was the past. Now nearing the third decade of my life, I have managed to fix severed ties in the family that I guess my mum would be proud of if she could just see me. Today, I had lunch with my dad again. A few exchanges of word, nagging as usual, and a comment or two of what I should do with my life. I remembered a year ago he came by the house for breakfast and commented on how short my shorts were too short, and I scoffed saying that , hey dad, my house is a no-man's land, but he insisted that I put on something longer. Now after a year, I guess he was right, they are a bit too short. Have to give it to the old man, sometimes he is right.

His current advice for me is to stay single and concentrate on my current businesses. Well I have been completely single for the past 8 months except for a few dates or two. So I guess, in a way, I am being obedient. Hey dad, you can't complain.

Its a beautiful Friday morning.....

It is a beautiful Friday morning and I was awaken in the wee hours of the morning by my lovely pixie who needed a replenishment of milk supply. I slept early yesterday, recuperating from another night of not sleeping due to too many issues on my head.

It has been a hectic week and I'm still stuck writing my company profile and business plan. I already have everything there, its just the groove of writing which I need to just sit and do it and despite so many attempts, well, let's just say the moods not there yet. I guess work better and faster under pressure. Since I started being my own boss, stress was quite minimal. I'm quite content and happy with my current life now.

I'm single, young and almost successful. I have beautiful kids, and my family ties have never been stronger. Plus I'm always the 'Adik' in the family despite having 3 more younger siblings. I have very good friends who are always there to keep me sane, and I have cats which I never really thought of having before. Yes, I did fantasize keeping my own mini zoo since I loved animals so much, but I never guessed this early.

Maybe I just need to add a good exercise regime and healthy sleep habits to my lifestyle to make it more complete. I'm already a health freak when it comes to food although I don't show it much when I'm outside my fortress. My kid is a fruitanarian at times so its kind of easy. I don't fancy much red meat or any forms of preserved foods, seasoning.

Although being highly dominant may benefit me in my career, I guess that is why I am bad in relationships. Its either men are too afraid to get to know me better or they already assume that I'll be a queen controlling freak. For what its worth, I don't really care anymore. I want to focus in the good things in life, such as living it, watching my girl grow and having fun.

Perhaps before this I was just afraid of growing old alone. I've watched some of my old patients who did not have anybody to care for them, I didn't want that to happen to me. But then I realized something that I've known all along, but just sort of forgotten. I'll never be alone because God is always there with me.

Alright, npow for some shut eye. Getting up again in an hour, pray and time to whip up some delicious lasagna.

Even a Mirror needs a mirror....

If anyone had actually noticed, my name meant mirror in loose Arabic dialect. You wouldn't find it in a conventional dictionary but if you ask old Arab speakers they would agree that it definitely meant mirror. Old tongue that is.

I spent years since childhood looking for the meaning of my name. Initially I hated it because I felt like it did not carry any meaning, thus I went with several other names just to pacify myself. I stumbled upon its meaning sometime while I was an undergrad medical student. Despite a funny meaning, it meant a lot of sense in explaining how I react to things.

A lot of people do not realize that I actually mirror their attitude back at them. It occurs sometimes subconsciously but usually if you treat me nice, I would be nice to you and vice versa. I can mimic a persons style, the way they talk and a lot of other things. Which is why maybe people find it difficult to understand the true me.

Even I myself find it difficult to understand certain issues that goes about in my higher centers. Recently, I received a not so nice comment about me from a friend who was concerned. I accept the comment sincerely because I know she's worried. She said that I appeared aloof most of the time, and half of the time I'm not even there.

After digesting everything she said, well I guess I was depressed. Not just depressed at the moment but prolonged depressed for past 2-3 months. I don't sleep well, I barely eat and my focus is haywire. Too many things are happening and half out of my control. I'm not really a control freak, but helplessness does things to your head at times.

My life was in complete turmoil. My beloved Aina is with her father and I have not seen her for almost 2 months, my ex is planning to marry this year, I've just barely settled most of my debts, my car sounds like its going to collapse anytime, my house is too big and I live alone with a toddler, my maids keep running off - and its recession period so business is a bit slow. The fact that I've been single for more than 6 months sometimes make me wonder is it me, or is it just because I'm too busy with my businesses and my toddler, I have no time to even look at any potential guys. Although sometimes I think that a guy would either be nuts or have balls of steel to actually dare start anything with me. I eat boys for breakfast... :P.

But the comment my friend made actually brought me down to earth. "You have one child with you Marr, don't forget that." In some instances, I guess I did. Especially when it came to focusing on work and study.

I remembered before my divorce, I vowed to myself that I will always be a good mum.Being aloof all the time does not make me a good mum. I cried when I realized how not there I was. Yes, it is very easy to get wrapped up with your own problems. I felt selfish. And I know that I am far from selfish, that is why God gave me kids. Because he knew I would put them first before myself.

So I apologized to Nabilah, and have decided to devote my time to paving a good present and future for her. After all, they are my offsprings, they would definitely inherit whatever legacy I have achieved for them. So now its self first, family second, career third and the last would be love unless it becomes part of the family.

Focus on the good things in life.....

Don't want to write anything much except I have a new rule to the game of life......

FOCUS!!

And love yourself first before you even think about loving others.....

Just a reminder to myself who is born over-whelmingly emotional and sensitive, despite the hidden brilliance inside.

Just a thought.....

I was sitting at my coffee shop today, passing time and chatting with my manager. He was having a headache with his ex-girlfriend, whom, apparently is no longer his girlfriend but still seems to control his life. I simply said, to me ex's are ex's. There will be no second chance. But he told me that deep inside she still loved her, its just that he wanted to see as time goes, how she is. Okie, quite understandable. Then I told him about how I'd react to a guy I loved. I would give him everything, and anything, even build a business empire for him, build buildings, move mountains, go to the moon even.
And that's where I stopped. And then back tracked. Perhaps that was my problem all along. I tend to give too much to the guy I love. My lawyer reminded to me about women tend to not change, thus would attract the same type of man. And I guess my noggles started thinking. Perhaps because I am such an all-rounder, born high achiever and extremely curious, I tend to like to do things my way, and get things done good makes me attract men who prefer stuff being done by other people, rather than attempt things by themselves....
So perhaps I should play damsel in distress more often, than become handy manny most of the time. And I guess I should adopt my dumb bimbo act like I usually play in social meetings to get more out of a deal. Or maybe my school girl innocent look when I deal with government agencies to get stuff done for me.
At the end of the day, men just love to be heroes. It helps keep their ego in check. So perhaps the next guy who pops along, I should be more reserve and refrain from moving mountains too much. After all, you can't expect to be saved by a prince if you appear mightier than the prince.

Wisdom from an old friend....

I must be hyped today - 3 blog entries in a day? Well, one was an old entry I forgot to publish, the second was just one while passing time in my clinic, and this one, well, some pearls passed down to me by my lawyer.

My lawyer is a fascinating lady with years of experience in Islamic law. She even has a masters in Philosophy from Kent, Canterbury, and is notorious for her fierceness in the court room. But otherwise, she is the most pleasant lady, despite her high lawyer fee. But like she told me, its like getting a specialist from Gleanegles to see you - I completely understand. Her advices are very useful and practical.

Today we met up just to keep on track with the case. After the discussion, we had a little chat on relationships. She told me how most of her clients usually went from one divorce to another because the real problem was the client did not change. She was attracted to the same type of men that had abused her previously that led to the first divorce. Looking at me, she feels that she should tell me this, as a friend. "You are young, pretty, energetic and hardworking. Build your business and yourself first before you go looking for a guy. Love your child, and take care of yourself. Be patient, waiting a few years won't hurt. At least if you have a successful business and good life, you can choose whom to be your future partner. The key is to find a man who is responsible and knows Islam well. Just promise me you wouldn't end up marrying someone just like your ex-husband."

She then told me a story about her client who was a pilot. He married a single lady from a rich family. He had one boy whom he took care of because his ex-wife was incapable. When my lawyer asked her what prompted her to marry him, she said she was impressed with the way he took care of his son, and thus she knows that he would be a great dad to her children.

I just smiled. Honestly I prefer single men. Single virgin men. Its not that I'm biased but I just like unexplored territories. Plus I do believe I am incredibly possessive when it comes to things related to my man. But don't get me wrong, its not that I'm a queen controlling freak, nope. My man gets to do or go anywhere he wants as long as he remains faithful to me. But when he is unfaithful.... well that's another story. I can be a very good friend, but I can also be the worst enemy. Not to mention my information gathering techniques which makes some people believe I could be a spy.

Coming back to the story, it made me wonder whether any man would ever see my single motherhood as a bonus rather than a vice. I believe I am a good mother, I provide my child with everything I could. I even sacrificed my career in medicine just so that I have flexible time with them. Oh yes, I do need to leave them in other people's hands when I work, but usually not more than 8 hours. At night I'm around and I tuck my little pixie to bed, and I read her favourite story book for her. Despite still no luck with a maid, I still manage to keep the house clean, cook good food and spend at least an hour a day watching her favourite cartoon with her. And weekends, I make it a point to do some physical activity like playground, play gym or other interesting things. Nabilah gets at least 10 hugs a day and at least 10 kisses from me.

What my lawyer told me made a lot of sense. If I were typical, I would be more interested with a man of familiar traits i.e. like my ex-husband. I noticed that my boyfriend after him shared quite similar traits which after 3 months I decided it was impossible. I was only getting an upgraded version of my ex-hubby which is not good enough. I told my ex-boyfriend frankly that if I were to marry him, well we'd be lucky for it to last 2 years even. So I broke off from him, took away every shread of pity I have for him and kept it locked up in Davy Jones locker. It drove him nuts but I know I couldn't. I just hope God puts him in better hands than mine.

After 2 years of separation, I know exactly what I want. I want a man that loves God more than me, a man who will encourage me to do goodness and succeed in life, a man better than me that I completely respect in many areas, responsible, a man who respect my capabilities, who is independent of me, intelligent, but at the same time lovable, amiable and able to make me laugh and smile. Someone I can share everything with, including knowledge. Someone that I completely love that I would do anything for him, someone who can accept my children and protect them as his own. Someone I can grow old with.

For the time being, I would still remain single but married to my businesses. My lawyer's advice is a sound one I should follow. Mr Right, if youa re out there, don't hesitate, but if you are thinking about soon matrimony, I would have to ask you to wait at least another year or two till I've established myself. But then, we could still be best of friends right?

Some people just don't get it.....

This entry is dedicated to my ex-husband, who after so many years still harasses me, still disturbs me and still does not understand that what he is doing is detrimental even for himself. I am tired of being a nice girl, and giving your way all the time, and I would like to write this one last time so that you and whoever supporting you would understand that I do not give up easily. I am no longer that lady who was married to you before, I have completely changed, or rather, I finally became myself.

You have angered me beyond words, only God knows what I feel. Why am I angry? Well let's recap the events that have happened in the past 2 years.

We had a fight and you broke my wrist. I asked you to leave my premises, you took the kids with you and disappeared with them to your aunt's place. But what did you tell them, you said I shooed all of you away, when you knew in your right mind that I only asked you to get out of my house. Yes, my house - have you know shame that for 6 years marriage you cant even provide a proper home for me - you had to rely on me to provide you with shelter? You can argue to say it belonged to my parents, but my dad rewarded me the house, he did not reward it to you. So in sense, it is my house and even my siblings who come to stay have to respect it as my house. So you kept telling yourself that your actions were right. Take the children away from me and stuff them up in a small flat rather than live in my 2 storey terrace. Take away all the comfort from them. You yourself grew up in luxury, you had the heart to take them out of luxury to serve your own selfish purpose, so that you don't feel so wrong.When you were wrong all along.

And now you want to harass me with your petty SMSes and the frequent stalking.
Do you think I'm completely oblivious to what you are trying to do? If you actually know me after 10 year of a relationship, you know I will not back down.

I have told you clearly that whatever you want to discuss, you got through your lawyer to talk to my lawyer and they will relay the request to me. Otherwise you will continually be ignored. There is no reason for me to listen to you or trust you what-so-ever. Even a court order you dare not follow, what ever more promises from lips.

I know why you are harassing me. Its not really because of the kids. Its more of selfish intent. You refuse to use your lawyer because you cannot pay him. You need money because you want to marry your girlfriend. Recession is bad now, so likely your dad's not going to have many projects to do, thus goes your emergency fund. You are tired with the custody fight - but it was you who started it by not letting me have my right. I gave you the option a year ago. Let me hold custody, and I will allow you complete access to your children. But no, you had to contest and now here we are, no longer friends, not talking to each other and our kids suffer.

Even with Aina by your side, you tire, because she is always there. You have no privacy, you need to tend to her needs, when you work you can give excuse to give her to your aunt but during you holidays, she's constantly with you. Plus with all the money problems, your aunt will not be quite happy of you sending her Aina and not pay for it - after all, as I told you before, it was more about the money to her. Easy money and you are forever indebt to her until she dies.

So you blame me, you say I am inhumane. You say to Aina I don't care about her. But the real reason is because she has worn you out bad. You are, in design, a man. No matter how much you try to play my role, God did not equipt you with that patience, thus you become miserable. Because you always feel tied down to her. That's why you are willing to give her back to me for a week and continue as before. But you see, that was just because you did not obey the court order that the temporary custody was in my hands. It was the judge's good will instead of slamming you into jail. It was never a court order because my side did not agree upon it.

This will be the last entry in this blog concerning you because you are no longer an important person in my life. I think I have found my soulmate, somebody that I know I love more than you, and perhaps more than anyone else in the world.

Life must go on. Go on with yours. As for the custody issue. My solution is very simple. Resign your lawyer, give me full custody. And then we will discuss your visitation rights to the benefit of both parties. Why involve any third parties. The children are ours, and ours alone. Your aunt did not contribute any DNA into their making.

Whatever your decision ----> PLEASE TALK TO MY LAWYER.

Letter to my Ex-hubby.......

Dear Mr M,

I have been contemplating over these few weeks whether I would write this entry or not. There is a possibility that you may not even realize the existence of this letter, since apparently your head is busy with other things now. But, for peace of heart and mind I guess I would need to write this for if you know me that well you know that it is one of my outlets to pent up feelings.

Where do I start? We had a wonderful life together, I practically grew in front of your eyes. From the young innocent teenager, to a full blown woman bearing children. We fell in love the first time we laid eyes on each other and I defied all odds just to be with you. Despite my father's wrath and the many scowls that we received in the beginning, perseverance finally led to wedlock. But what went wrong? I've asked myself this question one time too many. Why did the passionate love we had died so sudden? I was so madly in love with you, or perhaps a vision of you, that I sacrificed a little too much.

Blame me for what transpired, yes definitely I blamed myself. I was too keen to shelter you from the hardships of the world that you took all my efforts for granted. I pampered you too much, until you forgot that it was you who was suppose to take care of me not the other way round. Despite my brain telling me that you would not change, my heart refused to believe it. I followed your every whim, hoping that some day you would break loose from your cocoon and spread your wings like a butterfly. But I was wishing on the wrong cocoon. There was no butterfly inside it. And in grief, I had to accept that I was mistaken.

I prayed to God for guidance and this is the guidance he had given me. God is always Almighty, and all merciful. He knew that the longer I stayed with you, the fire burning in me would soon to diminish into embers. He gave me a new purpose in life, one that I am highly grateful for. So despite all the hardships that I will need to go through, I chose to change, as my creator had said that he will not change the fate of anyone unless they make steps to change themselves first. I prayed for the divorced, I got what I wanted, honestly I have never regretted the decision I made. I only regret that what we had did not last as long as we thought it would.

Knowing you extremely well, I prayed to God to grant you a partner that is more suitable to you and one that can ease your heart's suffering of losing me. I guess God has been kind to you, almost immediately your heart was open to a few other girls and the most recent one, I pray she would make you happy. Living with a woman is not so much hell if you could understand them well enough, hopefully what you learnt while we were together would help you fare better in your coming marriage. Just remember to pray for guidance, and never promise anyone anything that you have no intention of doing. Treat her fairly and listen to her. Perhaps with a lady who speaks the same language would be easier than understanding me. For that lucky lady, be patient with him, he has a good heart although perhaps he's easily influenced by other things.

Now it comes to Aina and Nabilah. Our two beautiful angels. You should learn to listen to Aina, she misbehaves just to gain attention. She loves both of us too much, but she fears you more rather than me. She fears that you may hate her for following me, she fears that I may not let her visit her favourite granny. Nabilah is well, thank you. Her development and vocabulary has increased drastically since under my care. Despite hating to have to separate them this way, but perhaps it is for their benefit as well as ours. I have yet to receive any premonition to make me think otherwise.

Why am I writing this again? Well perhaps the news of your soon to be matrimony, I find slightly disturbing. Its not that I am still in love with you, I couldn't even hate you because you gave me the gift of our two angels. I question myself why am I reacting this way. Honestly, I am happy that you have found someone to continue the journey of life, hopefully she is the right one. I guess my concern is for Aina, hopefully she can accept this well.

If there is any hard feelings towards me, pray do forgive me. My actions now are consequences of your own stubborness in the past. As I've told you before, do not ire me, for I can be the worst enemy because I never give up in anything I believe in. Whatever in the past is the past, best to be forgiven if not forgotten. Whatever is in the future only God knows. We are only left to live in the present, so live it wisely.

May God guide you in every task.

With love,

Anja.

Priorities.....

I went for lunch with a good friend today and we had an interesting chat. I was curious as to why he was still single after so many years and the one reason that made all sense was priorities. Apparently he had different sets of priorities that most women find difficult to understand. I guess everyone has their own priorities in life.
Actually its dangerous when two people decide to start a relationship but each have different priorities. Yeah, I had to learn it the hard way. When I was younger, I was incredibly intelligent, hyperactive, stubborn and rebellious. I wanted things done my way because I was extremely confident that my way would definitely work because it was my way. But, we live in a world full of other human beings, definitely we could not have everything our way.
So I guess God decided to teach me humility, the hard way. I was married to my boyfriend of 4 years. I knew him since I was 17. He was a nice guy, perhaps a bit young when we married, and he loved me a lot. But there was just one big problem. Our priorities were different. His priorities in life was very simple. Have a job, get a wife and have kids. He didn't define it more than that, plus he did not understood me then, nor does he understand me now. My priorities were a bit more complex. Coming from a family of high achievers, I wanted more than just being married and have kids. I told him that I wanted to upgrade my standard of living to the next level for the children - with hope that the subsequent generation would continue my effort so that our family would be in a higher social class by the end of it.
But he couldn't and wouldn't understand it. I pursued my studies until I completed my degree, then I started working. I had high dreams of specializing early, going off to do my masters in pediatrics and writing clinical papers and gain recognition in my social world. I was known as an efficient doctor, I received 2 offers for early masters program which I turned down because of the rift in my marriage. My priority then was to be a good doctor, earn my specialization and at the same time be a good wife and mother to my child. Unfortunately, how do you become a good wife if you have a bad husband? A husband that does not realize that he was leeching on your every good will that you start to hate yourself for being a good person. Everything you did was never good enough, but everything he did was not flawed even though he did not fulfill his responsibilities as a husband not only to you, but to God. After awhile you get fed up of trying to please everyone else, you just want to please yourself. So I prayed to God to give me some light, I was already on the verge of suicide because life seemed hopeless. Then I started thinking, perhaps I didn't love God enough that my life was so unhappy, so I prayed and prayed, and finally God gave me a way and I initiated the divorce. I got out from the chasm that was sucking away all my dreams. For a very long time, I was finally happy. God taught me a big lesson in humility and patience which I am grateful for. I guess the saying is true, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Yups, exactly.
It must be weird to be the 'happiest divorced person alive' (my bffs call me that), but I was truly happy. I was not afraid because I believe that God was on my side, although sometimes I may be a bit naughty or caught up with things of the world.
Now 2 years after my separation and divorce, I know exactly what I want in life. My priorities are quite the same, only the approach is different. I still want to specialize in something - but now its more of aesthetics and skin. I want to improve my social status - which I have. I want to be a good mother to my kids - eventhough I only have one child now, but I'm doing my best for her. I make it a point to listen to her everyday, and try not to get too absorbed with my work. Yes, I do plan to get a husband - but its mainly for companionship reasons. Not security, not money, not kids, not sex (okay perhaps part of it is sex, I'm no angel), not anything material in this world. Just someone I could spend the rest of my life with in peace, bring me nearer to God because a husband would help curb a lot of sinful tendencies. But it wouldn't be now because I haven't yet achieved the financial freedom and the other things I want to do in life. Maybe another year, maybe two, maybe four, maybe ten. The important part of the formula is the right guy with the right attitude. Well, I'll leave that decision to God since he knows whats best for me. Maybe he's just around the corner, who knows.