Why can't I study.....???

I'm so upset. I'm so stressed. I have a major exam in another 30 days, 5 case summaries to write up and another 14 days to complete MCQ questions. Despite being on a long holiday, I find myself doing other things rather than hit my books.
Arghhh.. this is so frustrating. There's too much at stake if I don't pass this exam. My 5K investment of taking it, my reputation, and I would need to resit it because I do need the cert, regardless. And I don't really have much time.
Maybe I'm not stressed up enough, maybe I'm not focused. Maybe I just need some motivation. But what?
Well I should start one step at a time. Bit by bit.... hopefully by the time for the Viva, I'll be well equipt. Besides, if I don't pull it off, then its not me. Well, wish me luck...

Wonderful week...

I love Octobers. I love it because its the month of my birthday. And my birthday happen to be on the last day of the Libras. One day more and I'd be a Scorpio. My birthday as most people would know, is the most important day of my life because it is uniquely to me. If I was born on some other date, then I wouldn't be me. I would be someone else. So I make it a point to celebrate my birthday as a queen, despite my forever increasing age, I guess it would never have mattered whether I was 5 or 50.
I remembered since very young I was accustomed to birthday parties. My mum would normally have one for me every year and after I while I guess I sort of demanded for a celebration to be done despite I became older. My father, despite his aging neurons and couldn't care less attitude remembers my birthday most among the other siblings as I would be extremely dramatic if he forgot about it. There was one year when I was 18, we were not in good terms and I sulked real bad that he actually threw me a birthday party at Bangsar Seafood Village just to keep me from disappearing. Okay, I know, I sound like a spoilt brat. I admit I am quite one. Imagine what would happen if boyfriends or special partners forgot my birthday - I do recall some whom I totally ignore up till today for doing so. Yeah, I can be heartless.
This year was so much fun because I received 3 cakes and celebrations went even before the day till the end of the week. Yesterday was another celebration with my family in Kuantan, nice chinese food and banana chocolate cake. Yum. And my sister even got me a birthday present, and my brother promised me a big cat cage to support my new feline hobby. What other gifts did I get? Well my younger sister became my photographer and PA for half a day on my birthday and my dad had early Chillies breakfast with me. My bestfriend gave me Chanel Allure, and another girlfriend gave me Kenzo flower, my business partner gave me a Scottish hamper with Short bread and mint chocolate, pasta and pesto, earl grey tea (YUM YUM), old colleagues at work gave my a teddy bear, my old highschool friend gave me a huge lollipop which would take ages to finish, a guy friend gave me a new handbag and wallet (well actually a RM200 budget which I made full use of) and I received tonnes of wishes and birthday songs - Yes I do feel like a celebrity. Oh and also my business mentor organized the karaoke party which I almost forgot to mention, and some other business friends actually came to spend time with me which was awesome.
Despite my birthday is over, there are still many invites for dinners, lunches and pressies that my friends haven't really had time to pass over to me since I was quite tied up. Yeah, keep them coming :). Its only once a year I'm this spoilt.
October is a wonderful month and I thank God for all that he has given me. I thank him also for keeping me still alive and well, and giving me time and wealth and friends and family that support me. I thank him for the ever strong faith in him and pray that I will never be swayed. Now I'm just praying for a partner that suits me with all my colours to walk down the path of life together (plus the fact that my princesses want an extension of family), Amen.

Birthday 2008 wrap up

Yeah, its 4 in the morning and I'm not asleep yet. Just got back from my last party. Yes, my birthday this year has been really awesome, as always. 65 people wished me happy birthday, 10 people personally sang me happy birthday, another 30 sang in groups. I received 2 cakes, 2 brownies with ice cream for cake. I received two fragrances, Allure chanel and kenzo flower from my girl friends, a big orange lollipop from another girlfriend, a scottish hamper basket from my business partner, a teddy bear from my previous colleagues, and my mentor spent a lot for my late night birthday celebration - with balloon and stuff. Okay I admit i am completely spoilt.
For those who wished me happy birthday, sang for me, gave me gifts and attended my small parties I give you my most warmest thank you for making my birthday memorable as always. It really means the world to me. For those who didn't wish me, well I guess I'm not a significant person in your life.
So sleepy. Guess need to continue my birthday story tomorrow.

Happy Birthday to me.......

Its my birthday again. The most exciting day of my life because few years ago I made the treacherous journey from the womb through the birth canal into the hands of the nurse with my father fainted on the floor in a small rural clinic in Miri. I cried as I came out, a healthy bouncy baby girl weighing about 6 pounds.
Years passed and I blossomed into quite a charming young lady, though a bit on the wild side, but still respectable. I believe that a birthday is the most significant and important day of any person's life because it was the day you first breathed in the world. It should be memorable, it should be significant. And perhaps that is why I get extremely annoyed if people significant to me forget my birthday. The thought is what counts.
Still, just for fun, I'll just list my birthday wish list for this year:
1. Chanel perfume - Allure or Chance (Thanks Farah for Allure)
2. Loccitane range
3. A new handbag
4. Surprise burfday party - (Thanks Mr Wan - although not a surprise anymore)
5. Chocolate cake
6. Patchi chocolates.
7. Fragrance, perfume, EDT <--- yeah I'm into perfumes this year.
8. A mac book - (be-earlied birthday present)
9. A huge cat cage for my cats
10. Spore original game - thank you bro but perhaps after my exam.
11. A new job - working on it
12. Blood red roses.
13. WII
14. Nokia N82
15. A new wallet - ideally one with a lot of card holders and syilling pouch.
16. Kittens
17. Green tea ice cream.
18. A new boyfriend that loves me for the unique person I am.

Okie, perhaps the last one is a bit too much to ask for.
Well usually I celebrate a whole month of my birthday.
Wonder how many gifts I'd get this year.
I'd be happy if people just wish me a happy birthday :).
Happy birthday to me.

Long Journey home...

Just reached home after a long 3 hour drive from Kuantan. Yeah, I went to Terengganu over the weekend to send my sister off and her little babe Misha. Thank god its only for a week, I'm starting to miss Misha already. I miss that cute little face and the huge eyes. He is so adorable.
I stopped by at Kuantan to visit my brother. He cooked grilled chicken for lunch with garlic bread and onion soup. It was a nice quiet hosuing area. It was a nice quiet day despite some rain. After a few hours there, I set off on my journey home. My maid didn't talk much, so I sang to keep myself awake (and perhaps to keep her awake too). The road was fine except for the on off rain. I didn't drive as fast as I wanted, I took the opportunity to think about my life so far and what is the next step.
I reched Kl around 7, just to be greeted by the normal long trafiic jam - it took more than 1/2 hours to reach home from the toll which if the road was clear wasn't that far. Exhausted, the first thing I did was log on to my mac because 2 days no internet. Yeah, guess I'm a net junkie.. no doubt. Too tired to think - nap time perhaps.

BBQ 2008 Wrap up

Well finally its done and over. My BBQ for this year. Yes, after 3 days of preparations, and going through the day itself it is a great relief when its over. Not to say that it didn't go well. It went extremely well.
The concept was mini Italian buffet but for the sake of Raya and perhaps those not so Western tongues, there was a fare of local delicacies such rendang, lemang, peanut sauce and nasi impit. My Italian fare began with entrees such as mixed salad and potato salad (an idea I stole from on of the fine dining restaurants I tried once), then there was my double sauce lasagna and my signature spagetti bolognese. I also made cream marinara sauce to eat with fetuccine or spiralli. Wanted to add in mini pizzas but I was short of time. For the barbeque fare - there was roast beef, slow roast for over 3 hours with chicken, sausages, rosemary lamb and squid. I prepared black pepper sauce and took out some preprepared mint sauce. Didn't quite have time to make mushroom sauce but I guess it was quite menu already. For dessert, there was chocolate moist cake, 5 different types of fruit and home made 'dadih'.
Since it was still October - I also took out a huge 2 kg Barbie cake (yes there was a real barbie doll stuck in the middle of the cake) for my two little princesses. And we sang and blew the candles together and they got to open a few gifts. My two little girls were dressed in nice English style dresses with small flowers and satin ribbons and they looked extremely beautiful.
Around 50 people came to the barbeque, despite the heavy rain during the initial part of the night. My last guest left at 11.30 pm.
I would have to say my thanks to my sisters, my god mum, my good friends who helped make the BBQ a success.

Recession is eminent..

I have been telling my friends that this year, we should be wary about our finances as according to history, it would be the turn of another economic recession, the 12 year cycle. Despite having an excellent bull market in the initial part of the year, it started to come down and costs of things started to rise up.
It started out with world oil price increase, which our PM happily jumped increased up to 40% which sent a chain of inflation throughout the country to the extent that even chicken cost almost RM 15 a bird. And then there was the rice shortage scare which drove rice price to go up more. I guess if things get any worst, I would be reduced to having bread and cheese on a daily basis. Then came the festive season, which made all prices shot up due to increased demand.
The opening of this week witnessed the US market drop which led to other markets in the world experiencing a sharp decline too. Despite efforts to cushion the effect, most markets still toil downwards, and it will take time for it to recover. Looking back in local grounds, the KLCI index drops again, and there is just too much property on the market. It would be a great time for property tycoons to bargain for good property as there is lack of demand but a need to sell.
I am but a small speck in the whole economic system. Do I worry? Heck, constantly. Especially with the sudden shift of career which is happening in a couple of days, I would to secure more than just a few months savings to survive. But its a vicious cycle. If i stay in my old job, I would just have enough to survive the month and perhaps a bit more, but at least its a secured income. If I pursue my new career, there are many avenues of opportunities to explore which would land me a 5 digit salary by the end of next year if I play my cards right. However, there is a risk of it going the other way due to the recession going about.
Complicated as it seems, I hope I pull through. Besides, since when do I shy from a challenge? I normally would get whatever I want as long as most of the probabilities are within control. The trick is to be happy and keep a poker face, whilst at the same time work bits and bits together.

Manja

Somebody asked me recently why my blogs and online signatures were all signed as Manja. Well, its not just a pseudonym. It goes back around 11 years ago.
11 years ago I was in my final high school year. I had recently broken up with my high school sweet heart, and my family was tearing apart. My mum was sick with Parkinson's disease, my dad in complete denial of my mum's worsening state, was under a lot of pressure from my mum's condition, his work and also the tonnes of responsibility he suddenly had to hold. It had led to the aggressive behaviour of my father where he would let out his frustrations to us the children, in many forms such as emotional deprivation, physical and mental abuse. My two elder siblings were in UK doing their undergrad, and I unfortunately had to assume the role as the eldest with another three younger siblings.
It was the most frustrating years of my life, having to be shoved responsibility at such a young age, and being old enough to understand what was happening between mum and dad. Despite being in boarding school, by the time it was June - I had gone to see the head master for a school transfer as my dad had recently announced his new branch of the family and my mum was devastated beyond compare to the extent of almost suicidal. Despite my anger, I swallowed what I saw, heard and tried to be strong for my mum, to be there for her. However my headmaster was afraid I might self-sabotage myself to failure, as he considered me as one of the top scorers for the school. So we struck a deal instead, that I was allowed to return to KL every single weekend till SPM, no questions asked.
So every Friday I would travel 2 hours on the bus to get home, and then on Sunday return again to my school in Kuala Pilah. Despite my good intentions, I guess I am only human. I was frustrated with home, despite offering all my empathy - so I do admit that there were times that I didn't directly go home but went wandering instead, went and hanged out with my KL friends, went dating. Then only to return home close to 9 pm, which by my parent's standards was late. But I guess my mum understood after awhile that I needed an outlet to relieve myself, so she didn't ask me too many questions, she just looked happy to have me home.
I was completely lonely, I felt unloved. My dad called me a 'bohsia' because he had the false pretense that I was hanging out with wrong crowd. I took that personally and I could swear to God that at that time, he was the man that I hated most in my life. I became rebellious, I barely spoke to him, and each time I did it was not something nice to stomach. I was very direct and criticized him without sympathy. I was angry yet at the same time I felt betrayed, and alone. You see, when I was younger, I was my dad's golden child, his daddy's girl. From the first time he laid eyes on me in the labour room in Miri, which caused him to faint and wake up perhaps an hour later till the point before my mum became really sick. I was his prodigy child, the most obedient child he had, the one child that if ever he had to hit would bring tears to his eyes. I would be the child who he would bring to functions and other social events, the child that all his friends would recognize, his girl no doubt. Even my mum was close to me, to the point that the first time I was separated from her I was 10 and I cried 3 days she went off to Haj and I lost weight and became thin. I followed my mum everywhere, shared her passion for language art and poetry and I am usually the child that other friends would recognize more. Yes, I was such a baby then. Such a mummy and daddy's child. But it changed when my mum got sick. I was forced to choose between mum and dad, and dad was not helping me to side on his side.
That was when I was first introduced to the world of internet relay chat - irc. After sitting 10 minutes in front of the computer terminal in Sungai Wang, I chose the name Manja as my internet pseudonym. Manja means amiable in english - and also spoilt. I considered myself as a spoilt rich kid who is looking for some one who can pamper me as I was before. Someone who would 'manja' me as I wanted. And I guess my prayer was answered because by involving myself in internet network, I got to know many people and I didn't feel so lonely anymore. I was usually considered the 'little sister' because during those years only working adults used irc unlike today.

So I became Manja and all my online buddies would call me Manja. Even their parents would call me Manja thinking it was my real name. From there, I built Manja's character - someone amiable and happy, naughty and mischievous yet intelligent. She was my altered ego - something like my twin. There was where I met my ex-husband who fell in love with Manja but I guess, didn't really fall in love with me. For quite a number of years our character was separate. Manja was always hyper and happy and went for internet gatherings and liked the spotlight. Myself, I was the responsible sister at home taking care of my mum and siblings and studying at the same time. Manja gave me courage to do a lot of things including stuff that I know I shouldn't do, but she was irresponsible and loved to spend and binge and party and stuff.
After irc undernet was shut down due to the multiple hackings by some of our highly creative malaysian net users, I shifted my focus to RPGs and later MMPORGs. My main character would always be Manja. Usually a sexy elven sorceress, mage or healer. My last MMPORG character was a night elf druid - Manja - a character from world of warcraft and if you notice, adorns my facebook profile photo. No its not a robot.
Today, I still use Manja as a pseudonym but its more less just a pseudonym. She is no longer a separate entity from myself, we made our peace last year during one of my solitude escapades after the tragedy that led to my separation and divorce. Nobody barely calls me Manja anymore except my WOW buddies, but I do still respond to that name. After all, she is still a part of me.

Lessons of my past

Today is Sunday. And for the first time, I spent the whole day at home. Normally I would be out somewhere but not today. Today I just sat at home and read a book. I cooked some nasi lemak for breakfast, waited for my dad to come and fetch my sister to send back to Malacca, and then started on my book which took me about 4 hours to finish - or maybe a bit more because I sort of dozed off a bit. It was a book on relationships my sister asked me to buy yesterday while we were window shopping. Really interesting book that I would recommend to my girlfriends.
Reading the book reminded me of my past relationships. How I've gone wrong. Well we are only human, we do make mistakes. I learnt my lesson the hard way. But I guess I was not solely to be blamed, it was alsot he upbringing.
I grew up in my father's house believing that women were always to serve men. My grandmother would preach on the notion that no matter how good you are you must still come to the kitchen to cook for your man. You must be able to please your man in everything, your food, your house, your bed. You must follow him unquestionably and when there are many men around, us women would eat after them not with them. Men were allowed to leave their plates at the table, men were not suppose to cook or clean. They are the king and we are the servants. If a man is infidel, its not his fault but rather yours for not taking good care of him. In other words, going into marriage was something like slavery. The man on the other hand is expected to support the family a hundred percent including the in laws and his own siblings.
When I entered matrimony life, I knew my man was far from perfect. But I was naive then, I thought well everyone knew these rules - its the unwritten rule of society. So I slaved myself willingly throughout my marriage. I provided everything for my man, I catered his family and followed my in-laws. My man took me for granted of course, to the point that in the 4rth year of the marriage, I was getting fed up with my life. There has to be more to it that unquestionable slavery. I lost my identity as a person, and people started to call me my daughter's mum. They totally ignored whatever I had to say, nor ignored the fact that I was busting my but to feed the family. Soon after my mother-in-law's death, I announced to my husband I wanted out of the marriage. He just scoffed and thought I never had the guts to do it. But I did, and I am glad that I did. The relationship was beyond fixing, it was wrong from the start and I had part to blame. The only good thing out of it were my two precious girls, who are totally adorable and amiable, but perhaps this separation would teach them to be more dignified. I hope I manage to teach them that lesson at least.
So I'm starting my life anew. Yes, its been over a year and I finally decided what I wanted to do in life. My 5 year planning for the 3rd stage had to change drastically, and there were even shorter deadlines to keep. But did I mature in relationships? Well for the initial part no. I was devastated at the thought of being alone with no one to love you as in a guy. Okay, women are emotionally insecure most of the time so after going through separation, abuse and a divorce, it figures, no?
So I had a relationship with my ex-boyfriend for almost a year. Initialy it was okay, but later when he started showing his true colours and also the point where I sort of woke up and told myself - look God gave you a second chance, choose wisely - I had second thoughts. Here was a guy who was pushing me to marry him but at the same time is trying his best to hold my leash. But he didn't manage to, because most of the time I was with him, I was miserable. At first, I didn't know why, but then after a long thought there was a sense of de javu. His agenda was similar to my ex-husband - I want a hot chic, I want babies, I want her domesticated and my family is the most important thing in the world. I told myself no, I'm not desperate to be anybody's wife. I have a whole future in front of me to throw it away to a selfish man.
So we broke up, gently. But I did promise to be his friend, so I kept that part, although its kinda creepy the way he tries to still stake claim over me. Most of the part, I ignore it, sometimes I play along and see how far he goes. I asked him once why he was still trying to get me, he said it was because I did not have anyone else. So I told him I was in love with some one else, but then it didn't seem to work either - perhaps he didn't believe me or because the guy I mentioned was just too unaccessible, but you'll never know. My dad told me it was because I pulled the plug, which made me more desirable, be it to my ex-husband or ex-boyfriend. Perhaps he is right.
So when I read the book, well it seems to make sense. Men are more attracted to women with personality, women who have confidence and have their own thing going. They want women who know who they are and don't sell themselves cheap. They want women who are happy with themselves, someone dependable and exciting. Someone who does not need them all the time.
Without realizing it, ever since I told myself that I did not need a guy to survive, I guess I'm slowly turning into that woman. I have my own career, my own home, my own kids and stuff, I have many social circles, my own activities, my own hobbies and agendas that does not involve any boyfriend what so ever. When I'm bored, I go out on a casual date, just for fun - but now I spend more time with my girl friends. I even have cats and I'm planning to add a few more just because I feel like it, not because someone tells me to. Okay, I fell in love with a blue-green eyed kitten recently, its eyes were just like saying, mommy take me home.
Maybe I do have crushes, but then they will remain crushes if my criterias are not met. Am I so difficult to please? Well, I am unpredictable so figure it yourself. If I do get hooked, it'll be to a man that is like me, lives a full life, responsible and secure. Realisticly, I couldn't have a man doting on me 24-7, I'd go nutts. I need my me time for my self-pampering and indulgences, I need my girly times with my girlfriends, I need my mummy time with my two girls and perhaps my other children (always felt like they'd be more), I need my time to concentrate on my business and studies, and now I have cats, so my pets would need my time too. I refuse to make my life evolve around a guy anymore, I did that before and it didn't work. My ideal man would be someone who knows what he wants in life, trusts me, and goes about doing his own thing but always comes home to me for any intimate stuff, doesn't expect anything of me, kind and happy, respects my life, treats me like an equal and above all loves God as much or more than I do. He's out there, I know. But he's gonna have to work to get me, I'm not easy.