In the middle of the night.....

Sometimes the only time you have for yourself is in the middle of the night. Yes, it may be crazy to stay up late just for that moment but when you have two kids like I do, well you would start to savour any moment of me time you can get even though it is in the middle of the night. This is my me time, usually the time I have the most inspiration to write about things that troubles my head or heart.
It is almost a new year, it is already a new year in Islamic calender. A lot has passed in the past one year, and I guess I have changed dramatically. But perhaps it is just the outer me that has changed, the inner me still remains the same, God's curious child who looks at the world as a medium to explore the fullest potential.
Recently I attended a wedding of one of my old friends. I've known her since we were 18. But during her wedding, it strucked me as how much I didn't know about her. And I regard myself as a friend, well honestly, I myself felt embarassed. Yes I knew her and her fiance, I knew her mum - but other than that I was completely clueless about the other people in her life. In that short ceremony that I attended, I questioned myself over and over again, as to how could I be completely ignorant of my old friend that I have known for the past 10 years. To my friend, I compeltely apologize, I guess I haven't really been there for you all these years, but hopefully you'll let me be there for you for the years to come - deal?
After the wedding, I dropped by my clinic fo awhile. Its more of a habit rather than anything. I'm just so attached to my new baby. After the short clinic trip, I went home and took everyone in my house to visit my brother over the long weekend. Yes, it was a wonderful weekend, I must say I had tremendous fun. I guess when you put aside worries, woes and complaints, there is nothing left except pure happiness. What is there to complain about when you have good food, good company and exciting activities to do like sitting in front of a waterfall and feeling your butt go numb due to the rapids. All thanks to my brother and his wife, God bless them for welcoming us to their home. It was just a matter of instincts to drive all the way there, I only decided on the Saturday.
God certainly gives us love in many ways. In the absence of a soul mate, I find fulfillment in spending time with my kids and family and at one point, I couldn't care less if I did have a partner. I was already happy, thus another man in my life was not a necessity. Especially not in the current moment when the chapter with the old one has yet to be closed. Still I do believe God will give me someone in time, because I have dreamt of my baby boy with his bald head and pink skin. Its funny but I always dream of my babies few years before I conceive them. It was true for Aina as well as Nabilah. However, for the time being, I'm learning to love God as much as God loves me, so whoever wants my heart would have to ask it from God first. As for keeping myself out of boredom, I've devoted these next 3 years to my businesses and my babies. Maybe the 30s era would bring new light to whatever my destiny in life is suppose to be.

Another day another week

I haven't been writing on my blog, partly because I was physically busy, but mainly because I was emotionally hurt and upset. Like most writers, I have to be in a quite good mood to write good things, otherwise my writings would be melancholius and disturbing.
The past week has been extremely depressing. First of all, my ex-husband failed to send my kids on the appropriate day because his grandfather was ill, so he took them over the weekend. Why I made such a fuss was because I freed this weekend to spend with my girls because I know I have a hectic schedule. so now I have to readjust the weekends and the last weekend of school I've arranged to go to Melaka to send my sister back, and thus makes it even more depressing to change weeks, plus the fact the kids are starting school in January, which wasn't really helping. Now I am in a dilemma on how to organize my time in order to fit all the required needs.
On top of that, my bestfriend and her boyfriend broke up. Both were very close to me, so it makes me sit on a very awkward position. She chose the other guy, which is an asshole no doubt, but she's made her choice so I just put a sock in it. After all, it is her life. But unfortunately she is suffering. And the jerk guy she chose, treats her like rubbish. Shouting and screaming at her everyday, controlling her every move. What I don't understand, why can't she treat her nicely. If you have so much vengeance towards her then by all means just let her go. At least God will be more merciful towards you and send you someone else for you to love. Since I'm close to the other boyfriend, this jerk guy doesn't allow me to go out or even talk to my bestfriend. And after that one particular night of histeria, I guess I'm not in the mood to contact my bestfriend either. I guess a guy makes so much difference in friendship. Hmm....
And in all this madness, Hurairah fell sick. So I had to take her to the vet. She needed admission, but luckily it wasn't cat flu. Now its time to catch Nyot before he fals sick also.

Its almost the end of the year...

It is almost the end of the year and I'm still as busy as hell. Well, I sometimes believe that I keep myself busy because I just want to forget the void of loneliness that surrounds my unfortunate soul. I guess I haven't reached that state of nirwana, where you won't ever feel alone because you understand and feel the presence of God. But I'm just human, even Adam wished for Eve despite sitting in heaven, what else myself, an insignificant servant who dwells earth which is the between heaven and hell. Yeah, I guess reality bites.
So many things occurred in the past few weeks that I should have written about, except I was to absorbed with my current new job and company. There was a bad landslide at Bukit Antarabangsa, which conveniently my ABIM friends forgot to call me to come and help. I heard that some residents were stranded up there for a few days, but then the commotion about the government should pay compensation, but then again they are living on private land, so it becomes an issue. Then the Eastern states have started the yearly flood problem, especially in Terengganu. Although I was suppose to go but I had to pull out last minute due to a sudden resignation by my staff (okay I resigned her I admit) which caused me to have to sit in the clinic during a Saturday (plus I had a laser that day).
On top of all this, my new company expansion into the food business is also draining my mental energy as I have to come up with a business proposal for the new place, which was also due to my stubborness of wanting the place for my own. But I saw great potential in the shop, and I'm not a lady that would turn down good opportunities easy. Yes, my stressful workaholic life. Its actually a blessing that my kids go off for a week, but in a way, I miss them so much that I barely want to do anything more.
Which comes back to the issue of being alone and lonely. Its not that I do not want any relationship at the current moment but I guess I'm married to my business since its the one thing that hopefully will not hurt me. But then again, many a times I find myself in need of a sparring partner (no, not in bed) i.e. to sparr ideas with me because i have so many, it helps me focus better and refute ridiculous ones. And it is best done with the opposite sex, because the mechanics of a male brain compared to a female brain is completely different and I would love to see things on both sides of the equation in order to make the best decision or create the best idea or outcome.
In order to have that, I would need to find a guy that matches my intellectual capacity, which by the day makes me feel like its more like a curse rather than a gift, or perhaps because I'm not looking in the right place. Honestly difficult to find a man who is not more than 10 years older than me, who can tell me simply that I am wrong and explain the right thing to me, or say that I do not know. I'm not saying that I know everything, its just that I know more things than an average girl of my age.
Okay, enough of blabbering. I guess I can't write straight because I'm not inspired. I'm not inspired because I'm out of love, and thus makes me lonely, and libras are worst when they feel lonely because they are highly sociable people. So perhaps this vicious cycle would not end until I find peace with myself, or find the right guy.
In any case its almost 1 am and I need my beauty sleep. Good nite.

Lazy day....

Its Sunday and finally a day that I can rest at home. The weather looked gloomy and I guess it dampens my mood to do anything. Perhaps I've just been too tired in the past few days. It could explain the lethargy and sleepiness.
Feel like going back to bed..... okie would continue this entry later.

Another sad news....

A lot of people often misunderstand me, until they really get to know me well. And once you get listed as one of my bestfriends, then you for surely know that you are treated like family, and even your family is treated like family. Perhaps that is the one thing about me that is different from a lot of other friends. If I say you are my bestfriend, it would mean that I know you inside out, and your family inside out, your parents, siblings, aunties and bestfriends. I would be ready to offer my assistance and be there, despite weddings, small parties, deliveries or even in grievances.
Of late, I have been getting a lot of sad news. It pains me, because its sad news from my closest friends, my bestfriends and thus I regard them as family. Like today, I stopped by HKL to visit my old best friend of mine since highschool. Her dad was admitted for gastrointestinal tract bleeding (bleeding from the gut) and the doctors haven't given them a reasonable answer despite being in the hospital for 1 week. Luckily, one of my acquantainces is a senior MO there, so I did manage to get some answers although they did not want to commit to any diagnosis. So I tried explaining the best I could to her father, who had watched me grow as a young teenager, into a successful lady. Yes, that is how close we were. I would say more than 10 years perhaps? Unfortunately, to me the prognosis is quite dim. With symptoms of malena and anaemia as low as 3.5 in 1 month, I would expect something sinister like a malignancy, or angiofibroma, or something critical. But it can also be a foreign body such as a fish bone penetrated into the ileus, because I have seen a case before during my surgical attachment. The good thing of knowing certain people, at least I know after this my best friend's dad will be treated better because his 'niece' is a doctor and once worked in HKL. Yeah, the benefits of having friends.
I thought all the bad news has ended until I received a call from my best friend in med school previously. She currently resides in Malacca, and her hometown was in Muar. During first year of medic school, my mum passed away and she was there for me to cry on, during second year, her dad passed away, and I was there to comfort her, then my mother-in-law passed away during my 2nd year of work life, she consoled me. I was there at her wedding, as her best lady, till the end of the ceremony. I know all 10 of her siblings below her. She called just now, her voice solemn. She told me that her younger brother had passed away yesterday. He was beaten up by a drug addict, came to ED with GCS of 4, had severe intracranial bleed and soon after passed away. I was shocked beyond words, and he was only 26. He was 2 days short of getting engaged to his girlfriend. The last time I saw him was more than a year ago. I cried as she related to me the story. Despite not really being there for her siblings, I regarded her siblings as my own, and she knows that I would help them out if they needed anything. And to hear one of them taken away so suddenly, well, my only comfort is that I know its because God loves him more, that is why he was taken. But the way he died, well, who are we to question God's fate? I really feel like driving down to Malacca today, but I have patients tomorrow, exams this weekend. It frustrates me because of my time limitations. But I promised to come visit as soon as I can.
Perhaps some wonder why I hold my best friends so dear. Well, if anyone remebered reading my blog, or remembered me from highschool, my family was a broken one. It is a fact that I have accepted over many years. I don't blame anyone for it, I guess everyone has some share in it. When I was younger, my siblings sort of left me out of their own activities because I was closest to my parents. Then as I reached my teens, things started to get messy when certain details of my parents were revealed. My mother fell sick when I was 16, and my dad was stressed and couldn't take the building tension. He took a second wife when I was 17, 4 months before SPM. At 18, my home was a living hell hole. My dad threw me out 9 times because I didn't get along with his new wife and because I was rebellious at that time. On the 9th time, I told my mum, I wanted to get my own apartment, which was when I rented in Vista Angkasa, Kerinchi. At 19 my mum died and things got difficult for me because my benefactor was gone. I spent 6 motnhs studying and working at the same time which led to a drop in my academic performance and soon the HEP got involved. I strucked a deal with my dad for financial help but after 3 months he told me to get married. So I married at a tender age of 20, 4 months shy of reaching 21. I accidentally got pregnant after 6 months and so I delivered my first child at 22. She was born so perfect except for a congenital anomaly of the brain that was so rare that it occurs 1 in 1,000,000,000 births. After months of anxiety, she was operated at 13 months, during my final year in med school, 3 months shy of my final exam. Yes, my life was tough, definitely. And I went through all of this with minimal or even zero family support.
Then my marriage was having problems, because I had high expectations, but my hubby didn't. And being bred as a high achiever, I just can't let it all pass. I became close to my mother in law whom I diagnosed initially to have breast CA. She died after 2 years of the disease, and with her died any hope for me to live with my husband at that time. It was a tough decision, but I had to make change in order to survive, so after 2 years of argument and a second child, I finally divorced last year after I gained my dad's consent. Even with his consent, there were some harsh words that followed, which I swallowed whole, regardless. Through all this madness, it was my bestfriends who kept me sane, and thus I became closer and closer until I become part of their family, because mine was broken. But its okay I said to myself, families can come in many ways, and through my bestfriends, I gained extra families that hold strong even till this day, be it 5 years, 10 years or even 15.
And perhaps if I do intend to get serious with anyone in the coming future, well its not just about him, but it'll also be about the mum, the dad, the siblings and other extended family. So if I can't cope, or if they don't like me then its too bad, because to me, getting hooked is not just to the individual but also to the family. Its for a lifetime ain't it?

Finally some me time.....

Its been a hectic month. Seriously hectic. I resigned my job as a government doctor, ventured into the new world of aesthetics and now I own a small clinic in the center of the town. Sometimes I wake up and I find it difficult to believe that I am actually a business owner now, no more waiting from other people's paycheck. Yes, it is a wonderful feeling but scary too perhaps.
Being young in the field, I'm working extra hard with training and study to get to were my other peers are. Its a lot of work and I'm juggling time between being the boss, and being a mum. My babies are such darlings but I must do what I must do for their benefit in the future. At least they see more of me now since I'm home every night, I go to work at 10 which enables me to whip up breakfast for them. And I have flexible time to run out of the office whenever I need to. So my girls get lots and lots and lots of kisses yes? Of course they do. And also late mornings with hugs in bed.
It sounds just like the complete picture, except for my own life companion which I have a fair idea of what type of guy I can actually live with. Or rather the opposite. I know what type of guys I cannot survive with and thus it becomes an exclusion criteria. I know that I can't go for a man 10 years older than me because in my standards its too old and they would start to order me about and there is a generation gap difference that would complicate things more. Besides, if the guy is too old, he can never cope with my hyper activeness unless he's a solid healthy man, but still, if I look like 40 when I'm 60, he'd be 70 and I doubt when you are 70 you'd have any zest for life. Unless my anti-aging technologies help turn around time. Well you'd wish.
I can't go with a man who already have a wife or an ex-wife because despite being a libra and all I know I could not accept having to compete with another woman for my man ever, nor share. Some things are not meant for sharing. I'd rather live a life alone rather. Besides, I'm addicted to true love, and true love is between two people, not three.
I also can't go with a man who has no religious faith or has less faith than I do, who does not bother to practice faith or doesn't believe in God. So far, God is my ultimate lover, so if it'll be against all my principles if I go with a disbeliever. Unless he converts, repents and willing to learn more about religion and God, perhaps. Because I learned it the hard way that true happiness comes from God, when you forget about God, your life will never truly be happy.
I need a guy who can understand my need to study and achieve things. I can't live with a person who thinks that a basic degree is sufficient, or that studying is just for students. I can't live with a guy who is content with just a measly salary or the nice support from his parents. I can't stand a guy with no vision, who does not see where he'll be in the next 5-10years to come. I can't stand a guy who won't do anything to better his life. A man is a man regardless of how successful his woman is. Therefore he should act like a man, stand on his two feet and show the world who's boss. I'm sick and tired of being the one to push and lead and persuade a guy to do good things to his own life, thus I guess I've given up to majority of the man population perhaps.
I need a guy I can idolize, respect, turn to when I have problems, that can comfort me, that brings me nearer to God, make me laugh and is not with me just for the benefits that I can bring, able to love my kids as his own, respects me as an individual, loves me and would be willing to sacrifice his own comfort for me. Yeah, it sounds like prince charming from a book. But I believe that there is a person like that out there, because there is a person like me. So its not impossible.
I just need God to lead the person to me. Or maybe he has? Time will tell. Its going to be awhile before I would decide to tie the knot with a new guy. With this new business and my custody fight, it'll be at least 2-3 years before I can settle down with a new guy. My kids would be big by then, and hopefully things would be easier. For the mean time, I'll just have to place my faith in God.

TOday is a stressful day again.....

I took leave from work today due to the many responsibilities of the coming family day and the stress handling my clinic. It was a good day in fact and I was at liberty to pamper myself with a 2 hour massage and spa treatment session that was fantastic.
The day was planned out and I was suppose to go out with the girls for a karaoke session. But alas, something unexpected happened. While on my way to send my sister in Shah Alam, it was raining and there were many cars. The car in front of me braked suddenly, and I sort of hit on the brakes too hard, and my car skidded 2 metres ahead and hit the car's rear on the left side. My right light shattered into a million pieces, the bulb still intact. And my bumper looked as if it could fall off anytime. Thank god everyone was okay.
The car in front of me suffered a scraping of paint and slight dent because the bumper was pushed in. However, the driver and the passengers were negroes, which sort of made my life harder. First of all, they thought I was chinese. I get extremely upset whenever people think I'm chinese. I am not as fair as a chinese, nor is my eyes extremely slanted, or any typical chinese features. But for some funny reason I normally get mistaken as a chinese. So on top of my distress of banging into someone's car and wrecking my own, I felt upset because he asked whether I was chinese. To me, race is not an issue, so why bother ask?
I didn't want to go and make a police report because the car owner is abroad and it would complicate matters, so I asked them to pay. Problem was, there was this idiotic mechanic who happened to be there and told them that his estimate is RM 1K. 1 K for paint scraping. I was pissed. So I said I'll pay the next day at the mechanic. BUt then they didn't believe me, I gave them my card, they didn't believe me, they asked for my IC and wanted to see it. Of course it blew me to the top. I have never felt so insulted in my whole life.
So i am pissed and tomorrow i have to settle my car. And i feel likew i'm going to be sick with something....