Monday Blues... in the middle of the week...

Its fasting month, yeah I guess all the fasting and low sugar supply to the brain reduces euphoria. Perhaps all the current dilemmas going through also reduces the level of happiness on an overall basis. I try to make the best of whatever I have, brace myself for whatever coming. Yes I will survive this current crisis, it may go on for months but I am not without hope that it will soon be over. At least before October.

Going through all this alone, even a grown man would find times that he would break down and cry. But I haven't cried in such a long time. I think I'm numb, I hope its because of the crisis going about.

But I believe God will not test his subjects unless he/she has the power and ability to overcome it. I am open to so many options now, some of them insane but worth while perhaps. Sometimes I sit and pray and ask God, why do you test my life so much? I know its blashphemy but sometimes I look at my other friends and wished I had a simpler life.

Being a single mum is not easy. Being single for so long is not easy. Despite trying to find a suitable life partner, I guess I suck with men real bad. I can be a really good friend, but to get a guy to love and willing to make me happy... perhaps its as good as wishful thinking. Sometimes i feel tempted to accept the next marriage proposal I get, but it would do no good - since I can't sleep with a man unless I really really love him. Unless the man I love proposes... but that's wishful thinking. Am I actually in love with anyone? I'm starting to doubt even my own feelings. Lets leave the issues of my heart to God. To discuss it will take days, months, years maybe.

Am I down? Does it actually matter to anybody? Perhaps not. If not I would have cried by now, because I would have been able to let out what's inside. Now I just keep everything in. My worries, my problems , my insecurities. I am just human after all. Oh well... maybe tomorrow would be much better. Lets focus on little things that make you happy.