I'm just human...

There are so many things happening or not so happening to my life now. I guess its the biggest obstacle of the year for me but it has a slight twist. I'm not facing this alone as I use to when I was younger. I have children now, who depend completely on me.

It makes a lot of difference in how I would react to a situation. Yes perhaps now I am at one of my lowest points, but I can't give up easily - nor could I actually express my deepest frustrations. My kid is watching, it will be unfair for her to see me in agony. Which would explain why after tucking her to bed and kissing her good night did tears finally start pouring out of my eyes. It felt strange, I haven't really cried in such a long time. Somewhat a relief, as it reminded me I was still human, I still had emotion left. There are times I felt so numb that I don't feel anymore - no hurt, no pain, no sadness, no anger, nothing - when I should be, especially with all the lies and promises unkept to me, the humiliation of having to beg agreeable terms which could have been avoided if only the promises were kept in the initial part.

There are times where I really wished I had someone to just hold me and let me cry. Understand me without me having to explain, and for once didn't need anything from me except for me to be happy. But human beings are selfish creatures, we can dream the ideal, yet reality bites. But when I look at my angels, me is completely over-rated. It is them that I worry most about.

So I'm just begging God, please if you were to test me, test me but please leave my children out of it. Help me put food on the table and whatever nutrition they need, help me keep my shelter and transport for them to live. Help me overcome whatever obstacle I am going through with continuous hope and a smile on my face, so that they would not feel that something is wrong. Shelter them from whatever that may come and grow them to be strong confident children. Help me provide them the best education and tools for the future. Help me be there for them always and help me be fair to them no matter what ails my lonely heart. And please don't ever make them see me cry, unless tears of happiness because it will not be fair for them. The divorce has already taken a toll on their hearts, to see their mummy suffer will hurt them more. So dear God, if there is any mercy left in you, spare them of all this by making me stronger and aiding me through this dark time of mine so that I can focus more on them who need me rather than myself. Amen.