Horoscope

My sister emailed me a love calculator based on horoscopes. Not that I'm an avid believer of horoscopes, but I do believe that people born in certain times of the year have certain similar traits. Just out of boredom... let's see what this calculator says about me :).

Astrology

Libra, just as its symbol (scales) suggests, is all about balance and justice. Librans are very diplomatic and usually can get what they want without a fight. Their charming nature allows them to get along with people quite easily. Librans are also quite adventurous, they like traveling and partying. In fact by some Libra is considered as the most hard-partying sign of the zodiac. Weather it is true or not, they all have a good taste for fun.

Getting along with people is really one of Libra’s talents. However this also means that very often Libra individuals place too much importance on what other think about them. Libra always tries to avoid conflict and live in harmony with others, but sometimes this leads to problems piling up and not being solved, until there are too many to take. For the most part these people are very easy-going, but there is one thing that they really dislike and it is when somebody is being unjust and is unwilling to compromise. One of Libra’s biggest flaws is their indecisiveness.

Librans are very romantic at heart and always want to have someone by their side. Relationships to them are like an adventure, and they expect their partner to know how to make it fun and worthwhile. Librans usually have a good taste for expensive things, be it clothes, food, or places they go to.

Overall Librans are very fun loving, easy-going and charming people; they are definitely the ones you would want to join a party with. If there are any problems, they will be willing to help, and with their talents of diplomacy they can be very useful.

How to seduce Libra?

* Learn to compromise and be rational
* Compliment them
* Dress with style
* Talk about relationships

The following is what you should not do, if you want a Libra person to like you:

* Be arrogant
* Be cheap
* Be unfriendly to others

Love traits

* Romantic
* Caring
* It’s hard to make a Libran commit, but once they do, their love is
unquestionable
* Very peaceful and will try to avoid any fights
* Likes to flirt, even when in a relationship, but it’s rarely anything to worry
about
* Fair and just

Sex habits
Foreplay, dirty talk, some more foreplay, the action, the action with toys and that is what makes up good sex plan for a Libran. If on top of all that you could also add some luxury that would be the best. Libras are known for their exquisite, expensive tastes, so if one can satisfy it too, then the happy Libra is all theirs. However, remember to be careful not to let the smart Scales person use you, since their charms can work wonders when they want something.

Libra’s diplomacy shows even after they had sex, when they’ll say something like - "I liked it if you liked it."

Monday Blues... in the middle of the week...

Its fasting month, yeah I guess all the fasting and low sugar supply to the brain reduces euphoria. Perhaps all the current dilemmas going through also reduces the level of happiness on an overall basis. I try to make the best of whatever I have, brace myself for whatever coming. Yes I will survive this current crisis, it may go on for months but I am not without hope that it will soon be over. At least before October.

Going through all this alone, even a grown man would find times that he would break down and cry. But I haven't cried in such a long time. I think I'm numb, I hope its because of the crisis going about.

But I believe God will not test his subjects unless he/she has the power and ability to overcome it. I am open to so many options now, some of them insane but worth while perhaps. Sometimes I sit and pray and ask God, why do you test my life so much? I know its blashphemy but sometimes I look at my other friends and wished I had a simpler life.

Being a single mum is not easy. Being single for so long is not easy. Despite trying to find a suitable life partner, I guess I suck with men real bad. I can be a really good friend, but to get a guy to love and willing to make me happy... perhaps its as good as wishful thinking. Sometimes i feel tempted to accept the next marriage proposal I get, but it would do no good - since I can't sleep with a man unless I really really love him. Unless the man I love proposes... but that's wishful thinking. Am I actually in love with anyone? I'm starting to doubt even my own feelings. Lets leave the issues of my heart to God. To discuss it will take days, months, years maybe.

Am I down? Does it actually matter to anybody? Perhaps not. If not I would have cried by now, because I would have been able to let out what's inside. Now I just keep everything in. My worries, my problems , my insecurities. I am just human after all. Oh well... maybe tomorrow would be much better. Lets focus on little things that make you happy.

Its fasting month again.....

Its fasting month again... the best part of the year. I love Ramadhan, a short month filled with all sorts of activities. Yeah, perhaps some say that the fasting is tiring, but its actually good for health. You are giving your bowels a nice 10-12 hour rest from food, which is good. Just have to remember to break fast slowly, not down everything in a minute.

It also teaches patience, and make us remember that there are other people in this world who are less fortunate than us who are given 3 square meals a day. Actually, I have been fasting a lot in the past few months, partly previous obligations, but mostly because I was trying to save up enough so that my little girl gets her milk and proper nutrition. I was unsure of my next pay cheque, and I only took enough to get by. Oh well, things would be much better, no doubt.

Another reason I love Ramadhan is that the souls of the dearly departed are given rest from whatever banes them throughout the year. Its almost 10 years since my mum passed away, and I look forward to Ramadhan as I know she will not be suffering as much. May God bless her soul. I miss her entirely.

Yesterday I was suppose to go for Terawih, but my best friend delivered and so I was at the hospital accompanying her until quite late. She delivered a beautiful baby boy via C-section due to prolonged first stage. Kayson, my new god son. I have 2 now. Dean and Kayson. Modern names.

Do I wish for a boy? Definitely. No offense to my two beautiful girls, but being brought up in a family full of girls, well a boy would strike a difference, and I guess I am up to any change at this point of my life. I've always wanted a boy, but for reasons that God and I know, I prayed for girls previously which was why I ended up with 2 girls.

But in order to have a son, I'd have to remarry. I guess that is the most difficult part. I'm highly selective, I know that. There are many criterias that I require in a guy, and sometimes you just can't get it all, but you could try to get as many. It will also determine traits in my future offsprings, so I have to choose wisely. For most of the part, the guy has to be highly intelligent and cultured. Ideally a gentleman, honest and taller than me (children height predominantly follows father side of family, IQ mum), somebody who plans ahead and responsible, and most important, someone who believes in God and understands religion. Financially stable to provide for the family and of course able to love and understand me (if not all but some parts). Its not easy living with a guy who doesn't understand you and assumes you are something that you are not - 10 years experience is enough.

Another thing I would look like is how this guy treats his mum, because I believe that that is how my son will treat me. See how picky I am? Unfortunately, sometimes the person we select, does not think that you are suitable enough, or perhaps overshadowed by you? I guess most guys would feel intimidated by me, why shouldn't they? I only need them for emotional support and reproductive purposes. Otherwise I'm already happy as what I am now - except the wanting a son part. If only sperm donor services were not contrary to religious beliefs... haha. Okie time for work....

To be or not to be...... that is the real question....

I know that I am a very unique person because its pretty hard to find one just like me. Perhaps that is why I keep meeting the strangest of people, and the weirdest part is, a lot of people will confide in me in all sorts of things.

But what about when its my turn to have someone to listen to me. To whom do I confide in? I don't trust other people as much. My greatest fears and my biggest problems are not somethings that are easily discussed about by me. It would take awhile, that is if the person is really interested to listen. Even a slight remark would immediately disperse all my tears or mellowness and the great giant wall is back up. Maybe that's why I look like such a strong lady. In school some boys use to call me the iron maiden. Towards the end, Maroqx stayed on for many many years. I guess they were not entirely wrong.

Growing through the years, I guess a few parts of me have changed completely. I don't tolerate nonsense as much as I use too. I prefer straight answers instead of beating around the bush, and I have little patience for people who do not respect my time. I have greater intuition, and my instincts are usually more often right than wrong.

Not many people around me actually know who I am. Even my family don't know me well enough. I guess I've stopped explaining myself because I realized people are not interested to know. So instead I react to people the way they want me to react, I mirror their good behaviour and thus everybody feels at ease around me. I am after all a 'mirror'. To my benefit and theirs.

With all the crisis going on in my life, which has appeared to slowly settle in, I start asking myself about my priorities. Where do I see myself in 5 years down the line. Who will I be with and is it how I want my life to be? Will i still have the strength to work hard and be as stubborn as I am to achieve the success that I want?

Well I guess I would just have to see.. God will guide me definitely.

Finally Some me time.........

Its been a hectic week. Full of a lot of stressful issues to address, full of so many things to think about and coupled with 2 training functions and my kids....

Finally, able to rest my head a bit. And then my phone disappeared. My RM 3K communicator got snitched during our ice cream tea outing. Imagine my frustration. All the important numbers were on the phone, and a few important dates and details. It is after all a communicator. Just praying that the person was uneducated and just reformatted my phone and sold it. Hopefully, he/she did not notice the VVIP numbers in it. Damn.

I was really frustrated with losing my phone, I sort of vented out my anger to my eldest daughter. I was already pent up a lot of frustrations to her behaviour. Its not easy being a mum, its harder when you are single again and your daughter is being cared for by your ex's family. I screamed at her for being so useless and blur, for not reminding me and just not wanting to do anything. I know, it was wrong of me. I admit I was ashamed of myself afterwards. For letting out my frustrations on her. She cried and cried and I guess silently she wished that I was dead. I tried consoling her later, but I guess the damage was already done. She would remember this episode till later life. Ironically, I really want her to grow up to be a confident woman like I am, but subconsciously I am suppressing her myself.

I'm tired, I need sleep.

I'm just tired....

Have you ever come to one point of your life where you just feel so tired that you just want to not do anything until the lethargy passes?

I guess I am exhausted - physically, mentally, emotionally tired. Its hard when you are on your own doing so many things, and you don't really have anybody you can confide in that would understand you. Or for the better part just listen - or even if you don't feel like talking, just to hold you, so that you don't feel so alone in the world. So that you realize that there is someone to turn to, someone who actually cares.

Sometimes I envy other people who have very simple and easy lives, sometimes I question God when will all my drama end? When will I be able to settle down and lead a proper stable life? I'm barely reaching 30, but I feel like I've lived almost 60 years on this planet. I'm tired of the things I have to go through everyday, I'm bored of doing things alone.

2 years of singlehood, it is actually quite a task to live alone again. Like I always tell my single friends, you cannot miss what you never had. Unfortunately, I had it all but it disappeared. Now perhaps I am self-sabotaging myself by putting such high standards for a to-be partner and aiming for unrealistic goals.

A lot of guys tell me I am highly attractive and I would have no problem in getting a new mate. But would there be one who is willing to sacrifice himself for my happiness? Someone that would keep me smiling despite all the crisis I have to face and go through, somebody who would love to spend time with me without trying to get me to have sex with him. Someone who does not calculate the minutes of our conversations, and understands that I am an expressive being which needs to express herself and not ignore me. I don't want a man 24 hours by my side, but at least to understand that I am just human, and I need emotional support.

I'm tired of looking or even trying anymore. I guess if someone really likes me or loves me, he would definitely say so and get straight to the point. Love is suppose to be unconditioned, lust on the other hand needs plenty of rules to not get out of hand.

Honestly, I don't know what is really bothering me now. Maybe i just need to rest. I'm so tired.

If I was a Super Hero.....

It is funny sometimes how a lot of things can happen to you at almost the same time you feel like God is really trying to give you a hard time. But despite all the hurdles, at the end of it, you then realize that everything that happened was suppose to happen that way, and there is always a lesson to be learnt.

I truly believe that. Although, I do realize that I may be one of the most emotionally driven person on the planet. Which made me think, if I was a super hero I guess my power would be my emotions and psychic ability. A funny thing about me is that when my emotions are stabilized, everything else in my life comes into place like almost automatically. If I am happy, I attract a lot of good things into my life like good people, wealth and opportunities. It has come to the point that even my business partners notice this trend of productivity. Months that I am happy, my sales would go up and the months that I'm sad, the sales would go down. So the key is to keep me happy. I'm actually quite a simple person to please. Where as, if I was in a bad mood even scheduled appointments would cancel themselves. So I have a golden rule of always entering my clinic with a smile. If I cry it would rain cats and dogs, or is it the other way round? I don't know, but I do notice when I am so sad to tears, after awhile it would start raining. Don't ask me why, its always been like that, I have yet to find a scientific explanation for it.

In terms of psychicness, it is difficult to explain how. It does not work on everybody but it works so well on some people. Like a good friend of mine for many years, for some funny reason I seem to have a psychic link to him that I would always know when he is around. I couldn't pin point exact location, but everytime he enters KL, I would have a sudden urge to call or sms him. Funny ain't it? Parking spots are like magic tricks. Given a normal circumstance where I am not emotionally burdened by some crisis, there will always be one spot waiting for me near wherever destination I want to go all the time. Convenient? Definitely. There are other strong intuitions that I get such as guessing baby genders in utero - usually 80% correct, reading personalities on first encounter and other stuff. At times I have premonitions through dreams which are so vivid and real that it causes me wake up. Whatever it is, I regard it as a gift from God. A third eye perhaps, but I shouldn't abuse it. I wouldn't even know how... its a natural instinct.

Its a hectic week with a million things to do, and a lot of things to write. Overall, I think I am happy because I have direction to where I want to go and what I need to do next. I think I have almost achieved a certain balance I want in my life and being a pure Libra by trait, having the last part of myself guided, I know I'll be okay.

Time to jump out of bed already...

Sometimes we forget.....

Today is actually a really good day for me. Despite all the crisis with the company and stuff, I think I may have actually put to rest one issue on my head which in a way gave me a real sense of relief.

Libras are highly emotionally driven beings. But as they age, they become less expressive and tend to mellow down a bit. Even so, they always strive to achieve balance and they suck at living alone. A slight reassurance that you would not be alone is actually enough to boost a Libra to greater heights. The problem is, Libras usually want direct answers, yes or no - not anything in between. So relationship tangos do drive them up the wall. The guessing game although exhilarating to begin with, sometimes would not last the mood swing of the Libra when played too long.

Still, the events of today (which I shall not reveal what), had given me a whole new perspective towards my life. In a way, it reminded me how much I have lost sight of who I really am. I guess I have been so depressed with all the happenings around me that I forget my pledge to be life's scholar. God is teaching me something new this year - independence. Prior to this, it was a long lesson on patience. Now it is on independence. Not just external independence but internal as well. I am an independent and talented lady on the outside, but inside I do admit that I am chained by unnecessary emotional dependence towards men.

Perhaps it was the upbringing of always trying to get my father's approval, which later led to always wanting a guy's approval to the things I do. Did it help me much? Well, if you look at it one way - maybe it did give a boost of confidence. But when you dissect each and every situation, the emotional dependence part is all crap. My divorce proved it. I told myself before that my success was because my ex was there for me to hold my hand, but the truth is - even without him, I would have still graduated to be a doctor, perhaps without him I wouldn't have caused a lot of issues with my father, and maybe my life would have been better off, and I would be a pediatric specialist by now. Then maybe I would meet a more deserving guy who understood and appreciated my talent except for spending 6 years of my life slaving away to a guy that doesn't even recognize half of my value.

Now without him or any guy I have a great business which although has its hiccups, but at least it is something I love doing and always wanted. I'm finally enjoying my womanhood with a greater meaning, and motherhood becomes less stressful because I do not need to pretend to be anyone else but myself. I have resolved a lot of my past issues like relationships with my dad and my step mum, relationships between siblings, I made a great deal number of new and more rational friends and I love myself more by taking care of myself for me.

Now I just need to get it into my head that I do not need emotional dependence towards any guy. Yes, I do need some emotional support, but perhaps stability of emotions is more important and that can only be achieved by being independent emotionally. Initial I believed that to solve my emotional turmoil, I needed to find an emotionally stable guy - but realistically, no emotionally stable guy would be crazy enough to attempt to be with a woman who is so emotionally unstable. So the lesson here is to achieve emotional independence. I must train myself to be emotionally stable. I can live with myself, I just need to love myself more. Overall, this would bring a more comprehensive meaning of happiness, and stability in other platforms of my life.

Its late, I need to sleep. I have a lot of creative thinking and writing to do tomorrow. For whatever transpired today, it was wonderful. I'm truly happy.

I'm just human...

There are so many things happening or not so happening to my life now. I guess its the biggest obstacle of the year for me but it has a slight twist. I'm not facing this alone as I use to when I was younger. I have children now, who depend completely on me.

It makes a lot of difference in how I would react to a situation. Yes perhaps now I am at one of my lowest points, but I can't give up easily - nor could I actually express my deepest frustrations. My kid is watching, it will be unfair for her to see me in agony. Which would explain why after tucking her to bed and kissing her good night did tears finally start pouring out of my eyes. It felt strange, I haven't really cried in such a long time. Somewhat a relief, as it reminded me I was still human, I still had emotion left. There are times I felt so numb that I don't feel anymore - no hurt, no pain, no sadness, no anger, nothing - when I should be, especially with all the lies and promises unkept to me, the humiliation of having to beg agreeable terms which could have been avoided if only the promises were kept in the initial part.

There are times where I really wished I had someone to just hold me and let me cry. Understand me without me having to explain, and for once didn't need anything from me except for me to be happy. But human beings are selfish creatures, we can dream the ideal, yet reality bites. But when I look at my angels, me is completely over-rated. It is them that I worry most about.

So I'm just begging God, please if you were to test me, test me but please leave my children out of it. Help me put food on the table and whatever nutrition they need, help me keep my shelter and transport for them to live. Help me overcome whatever obstacle I am going through with continuous hope and a smile on my face, so that they would not feel that something is wrong. Shelter them from whatever that may come and grow them to be strong confident children. Help me provide them the best education and tools for the future. Help me be there for them always and help me be fair to them no matter what ails my lonely heart. And please don't ever make them see me cry, unless tears of happiness because it will not be fair for them. The divorce has already taken a toll on their hearts, to see their mummy suffer will hurt them more. So dear God, if there is any mercy left in you, spare them of all this by making me stronger and aiding me through this dark time of mine so that I can focus more on them who need me rather than myself. Amen.