Another hectic weekend......

Its another weekend with the kids, although it started a bit late because I was busy all of Saturday. Sunday Morning was lazy as usual, me being such a busy bee most of the time took the liberty of lazing around more.
So what was interesting this past weekend. Well I had both my girls, they were definitely a handful. Not just the hyperactiveness and the screams, even when they sleep they seem to argue and I find myself punched and pinched at 3-4 am causing me to be so wide awake that I can barely sleep after that. Late onset insomnia is always so bothersome, especially when you have issues in your head.
So today I officially got out of bed and showered at 12 noon despite the many protests from my little girls. I was so hungry when I got up. It took me awhile to realize I only had McDonalds for lunch yesterday and nothing else till today. After a quick shower, I took everyone out for a traditional 'nasi campur' lunch. Been ages since I last went there. It was a nice variety of dishes to choose from, although it was a bit too warm, but the food was nice. Back home, I was contemplating whether to take my cat to the vet or doze again.. Ended up dozing awhile before my brother called to announce he was already in KL.
So I packed my swimsuit and my kids and we went to join my brother in Concorde. My kids were ecstatic to be able to swim on a warm sunny afternoon, and so was I. I managed 6 laps in the big pool, taking my time to enjoy the KL skyline in the afternoon. Honestly, I felt all my muscles ache the first few laps. I admit I have been slacking on my workouts for the past couple of weeks. My little girl made my treadmill key disappear and I was too lazy to find some other alternatives except some occasional dancing at night. Still, it was no excuse. I need to be more consistent in working out.
After wards, my brother treated us to a nice buffet at the restaurant below. There was a nice Sunday promo that was a real good deal. There were most of the things I liked - oysters, sushi, beef ribs, lamb, tempanyaki, tempura, salads, cheese, biryani and a wide selection of dessert. I haven't been eating much for the past 2 weeks since my bad migraine attack, but perhaps the swim really whet my appetite. My girls enjoyed themselves so much or perhaps a little bit too much. I gave them chocolate dessert that got them all hyper. Then at 10 pm, I had to go and send my little girl back to her father. A small argument late night with my former husband for being such an idiot and then back home again.
A simple weekend, but at least we had a lot of quality time together. Okay.. time for bed.

Stupid men.....

On average when I look at my life, I can deny that I am a lot happier than before. I have a great job, a good life, beautiful children, and I get to do a lot of things that I couldn't previously.

I'm not exactly lonely. I have a lot of things keeping myself occupied, my baby girl and my best friends, my family and workmates. Yeah, perhaps sometimes I do wish to have a special someone to spend time with, just to unwind and talk to, but regardless if I did or did not have one, now would defnitely not be the best time. My children need me, my business needs me. So I choose to remain single for the next 2-3 years perhaps. As long as I need to take to make my business a success and sort out my kids. However, I do date casually, for fun. Just to get to know new people. Unfortunately, lately I keep on getting men who just piss me off terribly.

For the record, I completely get pissed with guys who:
1. Either wears irritating cologne or have BO problems.
2. In the first instance, yap so much about himself - as if I want to know so much detail about you especially in terms of personality. Personality is something perceived by another party. What you say may not be necessarily true. Besides if I want to know more about the guy, I'd probe more myself.
3. From the first instance wish to establish that he is the dominant figure in any relationship. Forget it, I want a partner in life, not to slave myself to a highly testosteroned being.
4. Makes any reference to my body sexually, or even talk about anything pertaining or related to sex. Yes, I know I'm a hot sexy gucci mama, but I'm a person not a sex object. Plus, I'm not cheap.
5. Ask me on advice on business on during the first lunch/dinner. Oh please.....
6.Too desperately want to make me their girlfriend. I'm not desperate, nor am I really looking, so don't push it.
7. Left their manners in the womb. I am a gentle lady, therefore would like to be at least given some gentleman respect.
8. Try to touch me unnecessarily. A hand shake or french greeting is fine. But more than that, please..... I don't like to be touched. Guys who know me know that he can only touch me if I touch them first, or else you might end up eating my shoe.

Right, time to close shop...

Sunday afternoon...

Its the weekend and again it was my turn to care for both kids. I had been off for 2 weekends in a row since I attended conference earlier and because their daddy begged to bring them back to Kedah the earlier weekend.
Having Nabilah with me is a complete blessing. She is definitely my little sunshine that makes me smile in the morning and shed a tear at night for being so amiable. I guess despite the war waging between me and my ex throughout her pregnancy, God was fair enough to give me Nabilah to reconcile my heart. I guess if I only had one child, with all the hoo haa going about, I would have just left her with her father, ignored them and become a more of an ice queen woman than I already am. At least now I put motherhood first, career second - just for my little baby.
Don't get me wrong, its not that I don't love Aina. I love my children with all my heart. Even if I meet the perfect guy for me, but he cannot accept my kids, I would turn him down without giving it a second thought. They are a part of me. But Aina has always been more to the father's side, and secretly I know she feels obliged to stay with her father because I left him. I understand it well enough, but its another 2 years before she has aright to choose which parent she would rather follow. So for now she would be with her dad. Lets hope he takes good care of her.
The heat is tremendous nowadays and even I am starting to suffer. My sinuses are inflamed, my migraine active without a natural cure and I can't seem to wear anything much except shorts, spags and a towel. Plus, my air con's busted so i need to get it repaired pronto. Even my cat sleeps on the tile floor in contrast to looking for a nice rug or towel to curl up in. And I caught him snuggling in my silk duvet once, so no more of that. Its already monday and its another hectic day. Few appointments, few cheques to sign, and another hectic week. Oh well, c'est la vie...

Life is good... who am I kidding?

When I look upon my life now and I compare it to what I had 5 years ago, well I guess I must be in better shape. I have two beautiful, intelligent daughters, despite their head-strong stubborness (fine, it runs in the genes) they are completely amiable. I have two retail outlets, one an exclusive aesthetic setup in a prestigious shopping mall, another a food outlet that still has room for imagination and expansion. I have made peace with my step mum, and most my siblings. I am left with only 2 more cards to kill, and I'm sorting out my finances. I already have my own personal life insurance, and I no longer binge shop like I use to. I am closer to God as my faith is unquestionable, and I am more patient handling situations, my emotions no longer so haywire.
So why am I still awake at this time of night? Despite having everything, I still feel my life is missing an important part. Initially I thought it was a man. Yes, it would be nice to have someone to cuddle and love and hug and kiss everyday without sinning but I'm too busy to even have time to search for a right candidate let alone even attempt to be in a relationship that is definitely going to fail unless the guy doesn't mind me not calling, or not spending time with him or just ignoring him completely for days in a row. I have devoted myself to my businesses and to achieve professionalism. I'm actually grateful I am not attached to anyone. Less explaining, less fighting, less distractions.
Then why do I feel that my life is still inadequate? What is it that I need to make the journey a lot sunnier? A question that I ponder constantly. This is ridiculous. Its like waking up to look at the mirror and see someone familiar, but not quite you. Its like walking in a dream. I guess the answer lies with God, only he knows. Perhaps i just need to ask him properly. Then, maybe he'll give me the answer. Amen.

If you're happy and you know it......

Have you ever wondered about the song, if you're happy and you know it clap your hands? Singing the nursery song to my toddler makes me wonder sometimes, why does it mention 'if you're happy and you know it'? Do happy people sometimes do not realize that they are happy? Or maybe people are just unsure of their feelings that they need a conviction? Well either way, the song does have a point, if you are happy you should show it.
Am I happy? Well when I look it from a perspective, yes I am happy. Although I had to dissolve a marriage, and separate my kids, but with faith that God will always be there for me, I believe I have found peace with myself, I'm taking control of my life, doing things that I want, being who I want to be, rather than slink in the shadows and having to portray a me that only exists in the mind of my ex-spouse. I enjoy being a mum, which comes first before my work, and I love my job and my new office. I have my family finally giving full support to me, and dear friends who make me believe I can achieve anything.
Despite a few failed relationships, a few rejections and some guys telling me than I am only destined to be with one man for the rest of my life (which I happily threw out the window), I believe that God knows what's best for me, so if I'm suppose to live my life single till the day I die, so be it. No longer do I have the fear of growing old alone, falling sick alone and dying alone. God is with me always, I have nothing to fear.
As for now my focus is on the things I have longed to do for the past few years. God's given me a second chance, I should take it. The road may be difficult but at least I know I gave it my best shot. So I guess I am happy, and I know it... clap your hands.

Tears of an angel.....

Its been three days, finally Nabilah is back into my hands. How I missed my darling baby girl. I miss the mornings I would wake up to see her naughty face grinning back at me when I say 'Good Morning Sunshine... Wakey wakey..." Then we'd both go downstairs and she'd find a comfy spot on the couch while I make her morning milk and prepare breakfast.

But according to the custody settlement, I have to give Nabilah to her dad every fortnight, which was why she was away for the past 3 days. Despite being a very brave and independent young girl, this is the second time I noticed that whenver I get her back, she would cry silently, her tears dripping down her face.

Initially, I felt a bit offended. I thought it was because she was sad having to part with her dad and sister. But after the incident happening twice, I finally realized something. She wasn't crying because she didn't like separating from her dad and sister, but it was rather because she missed me so much that after the few days of me not being there and seeing me again made her cry. It was so touching that I felt like crying myself as I hugged her tight. She missed me so much that it brought tears to her eyes when she saw me as if wondering where did I go for the past couple of days. ANd honestly, I missed her so much too, my little angel.

End of another whirlwind mood swing....

One of the things about me that most people would realize after knowing me after some times is my periodical mood swings which on certain months are worst than others and certain days are even more unbearable. It actually contributes a lot to my unpredictability and perhaps scare off a lot of men too.

Last week was one of the worst. It was filled with temper tantrums, migraines and feeling of self-pity and worthlessness that was completely beyond my control. Yes, I am almost 30 but I still have raging hormone issues like I was 18. Zit break outs, chocolate cravings and sudden burst into tears, you name it. I guess perhaps its because I tell people I'm always 18, even my body reacts like when I was 18.

I was so distressed that I skipped work a few days, lay in bed for hours doing nothing and felt like there was impending doom. With my little girl and maid on holiday made it worst, because I was left all alone to dwell with my sorrows. Yeah, it sounded really bad, I know. It was actually. There were times where I would just wish someone would hug me and tell me that things would be okay, but being alone, there was nobody, and I started missing my mum too much. Life would be a lot simpler perhaps with her around, or maybe more complicated?

I started picking at my face, my skin, my hair, my body. I felt bloated, I was upset. I almost coloured my hair greenish brown. I almost chopped off my hair into a tomboy GQ style. I had insomnia, and felt a sudden craving for ciggies... Luckily, I still had some sense in my head, I decided to just trim my hair, not mess with colours and no ciggies. I ignored my face for a few days and stayed in the office more just so that I won't be too alone. I made appointments to meet people, and hang out with friends.

And finally this morning, I woke up with a smile because I suddenly feel okay. My menses arrived, and my mood swing disappeared. I went to work happy, laughed about few stuff and then made a few apology calls to few people I ignored or accidently passed certain not so nice statements (Hey, I'm just human). So I'm back to being myself again. Gees.... imagine this cycle another 28 days, but then I'm just a woman.