Musings......

Its been a really hectic week and a stressful month. Sales are low and I have to keep myself up and running to keep up with all the workload I am facing. A lot of events have occurred, good ones and bad ones, as good as receiving a new family member to the loss of others. With the recent tsunami in Japan, my worries is to my beau who is stationed in a port in China, ripples from the quake is felt all the way to Sabah which makes me more concerned. At least he's still okay. Busy as usual and only concerned about his work at this moment. I pray to God he remains safe.

Having both my girls for this school holiday is one of the most tiring phase I have to go through. But I promised myself before, Mom first, CEO second - so the needs of my girls will be my priority. And I can understand their dilemma. Having a new baby into the family which does not share the exact gene trademark as they do is pretty stressful, especially if the parent involved does not take the time to talk to them and explain what is going on.

It is unfortunate that my children have to grow up in two separate cultures. My ex as typical as the surrounding, and my culture which is completely different. But I didn't spend years in pediatrics to not learn to understand how the mind of a child works and I can sense the frustration of my eldest daughter, and its not easy for her to let it out. It is difficult being a mum and a doctor as well, and having to control my emotions at the same time. Honestly there are times I feel like I want to beat the sense into that idiot for his selfishness. Be a father idiot - not an asshole. With the arrival of your new son, perhaps it is the best take that my eldest angel be returned to me so that I can sort out her life. I may not be perfect, but I know that my actions are for the best interest on my children and not purely for myself.

I have decided to take my little girl back and despite all the events and commotion going on, and the lack of funds and other things that worry my head, I believe God will back me up and help me. I will survive and be successful. Deep inside I know it.

My Blog.... Where do I see it Going?

I love blogging. Its a good way to get thoughts sorted out and express your creativity and ideas. I haven't had much time to blog minus the marketing blogs and health blogs I have to do for the business. This blog has been around for the past 2 years since Friendster made my Friendster blog disappear and completely made me lose any interest in using that social network. I had 183 entries in Friendster which was lost and I was really hurt. But mistakes do happen and I am not saying that Friendster is inefficient in its handling, its just that I've been smitten, so I decided to go onto blogger instead. So far so good, still happy.

Blogging has helped me release a lot of the implosive anger that surrounded me over the years pertaining to my relationships, my marriage, my divorce, the 2 year custody spat, the constant stress to provide for offsprings, the constant struggle to find myself and be sure of who I am.

After 12 years of trying hard to make a mark on this world - at 30 I believe I may have achieved just that. I know exactly who I am, what I want, who my loved ones are, who my friends are and what I am capable of doing. Its never been so crystal clear. Lets hope the focus stays.

Being a single mum in a community where single mum's are usually regarded as the lesser woman by elders and the society, I do find it frustrating and annoying at first, but honestly I don't care anymore. I am happier single. I have my 2 beautiful daughters whom I am so blessed to have, and I work hard to be a better mum and a better person everyday. I'm taking my time to think about getting into another companionship and I feel good about it. I am definitely not desperate for a guy. 3 years of being alone has taught me to survive well, and I love my life.

I find that I have come a long way from that woman who is always seeking for validation and acknowledgment of who she is, to a woman who knows who she is regardless no one else does and wouldn't care 2 cents if anyone was to tell her otherwise. I have no obligations to follow anyone but myself, its so nice to be able to say No to the things you don't feel like doing.

This year my focus would be on my business and on women issues. Since my business already has a blog, I was thinking of directing this one towards women issues. I already have a few ideas on what to write that may help other women overcome their worries. We'll see.

New Year Resolution 2011

As usual, every year I have the habit of writing up my New Year resolutions.
This year its more detailed to what I really want.
Well here goes:

1. I want to completely stabilize my business and earn profit from all the hard work put into it.
2. I want to take up a post graduate course.
3. I want to learn Mandarin.
4. I want to go to Umrah.
5. I want to achieve my financial freedom.
6. I want to be a better servant to Allah.
7. I want to be a better mum to my 2 kids.
8. I want to start my home fund.
9. I want to go on a back packing trip.
10. I want to find that Mr Right for me - whom I have already identified the criterias which are: Physically taller than me and nice to look at, Mentally able to match my intellectual wit, Spiritually loves Allah more than I do, Socially able to adapt to my lifestyle and friends, Financially more stable than I am, and most importantly accepts me as who I am and who I aim to become and accept my kids like his own. He's out there somewhere.

Best of luck... Lets see how I scored next year.

Reflections.......

I haven't written in my blog in such a long time. I know something is wrong with myself. Writing has always been a passion of mine, the lack of time has never been an excuse for me not to write on my blog. I always find time.

Similarly the other things I am fond of like jogging early morning listening to the first birds sing, singing in the car or dancing at home with my girls. Cooking for one is a major passion, and with my girls around normally I have so many different projects to work on - but not recently. I smile less, I talk less, I read less. All I feel like doing is sleep. but even sleep does not come easy to me.

Things around me are good. It may not be perfect, but when I look at myself comparing this year and before - I am much better off this year.

Its just me perhaps. I need to find part of myself for myself.
Its no fun being only half here. I'm a survivor. I am a rainmaker. The only thing that can stop me from being happy is myself. And I choose to be happy.

A New Lesson in Life.........

It has been such a hectic month. So many new things have popped into my life which makes it more frenzy than it usual (which most people already think its a handful)... Opportunities, opportunities... and opportunities...... yes, every new thing in life is an opportunity. That is how I perceive the world. Its been a hard year struggle but eventually there is some light at the end of the tunnel....

This month, my patience is tested to the maximum..... I have been in scenarios like this before and usually when things come hailing down on me.. it usually means that God is trying to teach me something... there was a lesson of patience, a lesson of independence, a lesson of change... and after pondering for weeks what is actually the problem with my life... I guess the lesson to be learnt is to be careful whom you trust, and that I don't have to be too nice to everybody... only to the people who are important in my life and involved in making sure I'm okay at all times.

Even some of my friends I start to question whether do they actually regard me as a friend the way I regard them? Maybe my ideation of friendship is such a high concept that most people can't comprehend. Oh well.. time to pack my stuff........

Musings....

It has been ages since I last had time to sit and write for my blog. Yes it has been a hectic one month, especially with both my girls with their father for this moment, I find myself endlessly working. Only recently I managed to breathe a little bit better by focusing on settling my problems step by step. Difficult issues to tackle, yet I do believe with wisdom, luck and perseverance I'll be just fine. I have my God with me at all times, there is nothing to be afraid of.

During this time also I felt emotionally torn returning to an empty home. There were so many incidents that I could have sworn I heard Nabilah's voice and laughter but when I looked she was not there. There were instances in my sleep that I felt like my girls came into the room and talked to me. Yes, I miss them terribly and I guess not many can understand the loneliness and agony of not being able to speak or see my babies. I have already figured out a solution to my problem for the short run, which if the plan works would be a great relief for the 3 of us.

I noticed there was a lack of social communication between me and my friends. There was even a more lacking communication between me and my platonic boyfriends. Speaking of platonic boyfriends, the sad reality is that they don't understand me. Which in a way it is a good thing because then I don't feel so guilty ignoring everybody. I find myself more interested in hanging out with my girlfriends rather.

I do admit at times I do feel lonely. Sometimes a warm hug is all I crave for. I am after all human. Regardless of age, race, stature.... every human being requires love. That is what makes us human. With my babies out of sight, the yearning for love becomes more intense. It just feels so alone waking up in an empty bed, walking through an empty house. Maybe that is why I prefer to work all the time, at least I am surrounded by people. Luckily now i do have some housemates, but even they find it difficult to break my workaholic cycle. Its a survival instinct. At least I feel like I am doing something to change my current situation.

There was actually one thing that God wanted to show to me during this period. In my most unhappy time, only few realized the torment I was going through - thus these people are the people whom I should pay more attention to. As for the men who are just there for smiles... well, it was nice to know you, but you don't care about me, why should I bother about you?

I have come to terms that the path I walk will be quite lonely for a bit, but eventually I will find that right someone for me, and I will get my babies back definitely. (Likely the babies first). Being unique is not easy - its hard to find people like you. But being unique is God's gift to you, so I shouldn't complain. To find a person as unique as I am is not that easy...... to get someone to appreciate the uniqueness in me is even harder. Nevertheless, it is not impossible, so I shouldn't put my standards any lower...

Didn't your mother teach you not to poke a beehive....?

Sometimes people just do not realize how lucky they are, especially when luck shines fortune onto them. Sometimes they forget, that other people also come into play of their good fortune. Its so common, sadly. A lot of these things happen to me, the people I help tend to forget that without my help, you wouldn't have gained what you have now. But its okay, we are just human. Still, there is a saying - don't go bothering a hornets next. It may appear quiet in the beginning but you may stir up a mayhem. Fine.

As many have already discovered, I am single again, for the past 3 years from my 10 year love story with my ex-husband which ended due to differences irreconcilable. I don't blame anyone for this dissolution. God has written it that way. God has also made my darling ex-husband to be such a pain that we ended up in a 2 year custody battle that finally I called quits and let him keep my eldest daughter whilst I took care of the young one after a lengthy discussion with my daughters at some point. Aina, in her young age, was able to reason with me why she wanted to stay with her dad at that point. I respected her decision.

So for the past 16 months I have been taking care of Nabilah until recently my maid decided to resign after she found her new soul mate. Who was I to stop her? I let her go, and so I was forced to give Nabilah's care to her father for safety and convenience purposes. That too was after a lengthy discussion with my daughters (although Nabilah's attention span was a little less than 10 minutes). But the conclusion was that the two of them were tired of being apart from each other, despite the constant squabble, they wanted to be together.

Children are pure beings, and therefore, when they ask God for something, they normally would get what they wish for. I always teach my children to pray for good things and good fortune. Perhaps God answered their prayers to be together, which has forced me into this fix. After a late night consolation with my Creator, I had finally had the strength to let go.

Of all the while, my ex has been telling all his friends and family that I was incapable to care for my kids due to my hectic life schedule and that he wanted to take care of Nabilah as well but I didn't allow it. He also told everyone, including myself that he will only pay for Nabilah's kindergarten if she stays with him. I guess God is trying to make you live up to your promises, my dear ex-husband.

Despite what he tells other people, this is what he's been smsing to me in the past few days and despite my silence - well, I too have feelings and instead of replying to you personally - I'm putting this on my blog so that I do not forget, because I might lose the SMS in my phone, and as a reminder to myself that I shall no longer have any empathy for you because you dear sir, have completely crossed the boundary.

This is what he wrote......

"Salam. I hope u settle masalah u secepat mungkin. Don't put ur burden to me. I tau u ingat I bole jd jaga anak2. Mmg bole. Tp wat 4 ada court order dari awal?Buang masa dgn duit saja. Las2 u cari i gak. I nk u langsai t/jawab u trhadap nabilah. Dah u nk sgt jaga. Perform it well! Dah tau ada masalah kenapa x bg i jaga dari awal?Skrg ada masalah cari i. I pun ada masalah, tp MANA PENAH burden u pun sampai berminggu2. Dah tau duit tadak. Utang banyak keliling pinggang, nk byr maid pun susah, keta pun 2-3 asyik tunggak, kurangkan la tabiat lifestyle u tu. U settle hal u. Senang2 je nak lepas tangan. Kalo i ada prob jaga anak2 i settle sendiri. U tu yg slalu sgt bz dari seolah lari t/jwb. U do wat u need to do apa u request dlm court. Tats it. If not tell court u x mampu jaga anak dan xde masa."

(Yups - 6 pages of SMS)

First things first. Who is the father and who is the mother? In the Quran, who has the responsibility for child support. The father - that is what our religion preaches. No court order can ever change that. But for the past 18 months since Nabilah has been with me, have you ever paid any child support?

What pisses me off in this SMS is:
1. He called Nabilah a burden. The only thing I gave to him was Nabilah. I did not ask him to pay for my maid or my car or my house. I just gave him Nabilah for safe keeping whilst I was looking for a replacement caretaker at home while I had to work.

2. His ignorance of my responsibility towards the children. My only responsibility to the children is love and nurturing. Both which I have done well without any problems. Despite Aina being away from me, but both Aina and Nabilah knows how much I love them. Both also knows that I am always here for them to listen and discuss things. I have no monetary obligations to them as per written by syarak so don't try to be smart when you are so bloody ignorant of Islamic responsibilities. In fact, if I remarry, I will no longer be obliged to care for them if my new husband is not keen - but I will not go to the greater extent of explaining these things.

3. I have taken cared of my baby for more than a year. We can't see the future. A year ago I had no problem. In fact last month I had no problem. It was only last week my maid told me she wanted to remarry, and she asked to resign because I refused to allow her to bring her husband to stay in the same house as me and Nabilah. Therefore suddenly I could not take care of Nabilah, because I had no maid, and my erratic hours would be difficult to send Nabilah to daycare. Besides, me and the girls have discussed this, and both girls were fed up of being separated. We all agreed that Nabilah will be given to her dad instead of some stranger since her dad promised to send her to school if she stayed with him. Our daughter is only 4 but she remembers what you promised her. They are not small children anymore. Didn't you notice that when you came to pick up Aina at KFC the week prior, both girls were sitting on top of me, hugging me? Even they understood my pain, and tried to console me. We have very smart children, don't under estimate them.

4. Don't talk about my lifestyle, my earnings, my debts - they are none of your business because as I've mentioned before, I have no monetary obligation to the kids what-so-ever according to Syariah. You don't know how much money I have, you don't know what I earn. It is funny for you to talk about debts because being marriage to you almost drove me into bankruptcy which is why I decided to call it quits. When I left you, I was -200K in debt. Luckily its a lot less by now. If I had stayed with you perhaps I'd be -500K in debts. You completely depended on me to provide the basic necessities in our family - and then you had the cheek to say in court, what was wrong with me helping you out? I wasn't helping you out, I was practically supporting your ass and you never appreciated it. If I were to claim for alimony when we divorced, you'd be left with not even your underwear, but for the love of you and for the sake of the children, I didn't. The preliminary calculations including my 'nafkah' and family home rental that you never paid amounted to over 100K, not including the things I paid for the kids since the day they were born till now.

If I were to go on and on this blog entry would never end. But seriously, I am pissed.
Because all I had was love for him. Despite all he did to me, I forgave him. I prayed for his success and safety everyday until today. In fact, the first thing that I prayed for after our divorce session in court, after he sent me to my car and wanted to hug me one last time but I didn't let you so he kissed my headrest just to smell my hair, was so that God made his life easy, and find him a more suitable partner than me first because I knew that he were useless alone. So God granted me my prayers, and sure enough, he was never alone for long and now he's already married to a younger woman with his simplicity.

To my ex-hubby, you are where you are now because of all the things I did for you. If it was not for me, you would never even dream of living in KL. Your problem was because you didn't know when to keep your mouth shut, and because you let your ego take the best of you. If only you listened to the things I told you to do, you would have been in a better position and we would have still been married. But no, you just had to listen to your friends who couldn't see you excel more than them. You forget, it was not them who took care of you, it was not them who fed up, it was not them who motivated you to be a better person.

As for me, I would have still became a doctor even if I didn't marry you. Perhaps I would have been a specialist by now, if it was not for marrying you. How many years I cried because my savings for my exams had to be used to pay for something that you should be paying. I would've still succeeded even if I didn't know you. Perhaps even to a greater length. The only thing I am grateful is my two girls, the only reason I am nice to you.

But as for today, you have really hurt my feelings with the sms you sent. But at least I know where you stand. I use to believe that you can take glass and shine it into diamonds, but unfortunately you can't. Good luck in life honey, as for today, I will stop praying for you and your safety. You are my past and I will let you stay there for good. God is always with me, at least I know God will never let me down. Amen.