Rantings of the turmoiled heart.....

Its the 7th day without my kids and although I am enjoying my singlehood without having to care for anyone, the loneliness is extremely torturing. With my baby by my side, I tend to distract the lonely nights by looking at her peaceful face sleeping by my side. I would be exhausted during the day keeping up with her antics, and thus sleep is most welcomed.

I am alone now. And every night is like a blade hitting my heart. I crave companionship and perhaps a little bit more, but I swore an oath to myself and God that I shall not indulge in such activities unless through proper wedlock. 3 fricking years is a long time. Its starting to haunt me. And this is the longest I have been without a love companion. Almost a year is it? Or perhaps more? My greatest weakness - love. Or is it lust?

God certainly has a sense of humour. He knows that I can't sleep with a man unless I love him, and he's thrown my heart to a man that does not love me. I cannot imagine a worst torture than having your heart tied to a person who couldn't careless what you feel. And so the tango begins.

I'm starting to hate myself for loving this guy and not having the courage to walk away. I would rather go through physical hardships and mental torture than going through what I'm going through. I guess no one would understand how I feel. Its just a very simple solution - I need this guy to tell me he doesn't love me, then I can move on. I'm so pathetic. No wonder he says I have issues. Yes I do have issues... you are the issue.

Despite being all so emotional, I guess my current vulnerable state would drive any man out the door. Its the insecurity of not knowing the outcome. I guess I'm so used to planning out my life completely in front of me, that when it comes to relationships, well, I want that same security also. But logically, who wants to be crushing on the same person for many many years only to have that person run off with a younger chic.

Yes, I hate to admit I am getting older. Despite only having 18 candles on all my cakes for the past 10 years, following a healthy anti-aging routine and having my own aesthetic and anti-aging clinic, my biological clock is ticking. If I hope for a son, I'd better get a mate in the next year or so. Hopefully he doesn't shoot X's all the time - then I'd be getting more girls.

Everyone wants someone to love and pay attention to what they are doing. I was asked before, am I so lonely? Its not a fair question to answer because yes of course I am. Even Adam was lonely, and God made him Eve. Even our prophet after the death of his first wife went into a state of depression, that God asked him to remarry to aid his grief. I am just a normal human being. If you are so used to living in a relationship, you will definitely feel lonely when you are out of one. My ex-husband and I, we were together for 10 years. I still feel a bit awkward waking up with no one beside me. Which is why the absence of my child pains me. Perhaps God sent her as a gift, because he knew I wouldn't survive this long without her.

Sometimes I think I'm being too emotional. Give the poor lad a space to breathe, I tell myself. I could, except of that lingering question of security. I hate going through the days not knowing. So I guess there will be more ramblings and rantings as such in days to come.

I'll be okay. My heart just need to cool down a bit. My greatest strength, my greatest weakness. Love.