Lessons from the past......

I have been pretty down for the past few months since this whole company restructuring ordeal. It was mentally, physically and emotionally draining especially when you are not at liberty to control decisions in other people's hands. You try your best to survive, despite the many frustrations of being let down.

Its true when people say when you are not at your best, the whole world seem to be against you. Everyone seems to be against you and trying to make your life difficult. This was how I was few weeks back. I was negotiating things until I reached a brick wall. There are days I just felt like swimming out to sea and not come back. I was down, I was frustrated. With my career, my business, my family and even my non-existent love life. Not to mention the empty spot in my wallet. I was broke basically, whatever money I had was for my kid, my home and my debts. Going on without salary for more than 2 months really makes you wanna drive into a wall and if you are lucky enough to survive, claim insurance to cover for a lot of stuff. But I still had God on my side, every day I reminded myself that it was blashphemous to even harbour those thoughts, but God would understand, I'm just human.

All I needed was for someone to just understand what a difficult time I'm going through and to remind me there is someone there for me, that I am not completely alone. Unfortunately, when you are going through shit, most of your friends would keep their distance because they too do not know what to do, or perhaps some fear that you may ask for their help, or sometimes they think you need to be alone. Some alone time is good, but when you have too much of it, it becomes a burden.

Maybe that is why God sent my best friend back to me during this Raya holiday. I haven't met him in almost a year or maybe less, time flies so fast when you deal problems everyday. Usually he'd avoid seeing me, but I guess he sensed something amiss. I hugged him tight and cried for a good 10 minutes. I was hurting so bad inside, with the company issue, the debts surrounding it, the debts surrounding me, my kids, my loneliness, my family. He was surprised to see me so vulnerable, I was usually a tough cookie. "Its okay Marr, you get through this, you always do. You have it built inside of you, no one can ever take that away." He said, his eyes sincerely believing what he said.

I paused. Despite how simple his words were, they rang true. I guess I must have forgotten with all the turmoil around me. I am one of the toughest chics alive. I have gone through family dispute, rejection, dissolution, an abusive past, peer boycott, a step mum, being denounced as a daughter, outcast for 10 years, an insincere marriage, childbirth, child deformity requiring surgery, divorce, child custody fight and a lot more. There was a time I had to work and study just to pay rent and keep food on the table. There was a time when I had to for go all my luxuries and live minimally. I have seen life given, I have seen death and revived the dying. I have worked more than 40 hours in a row, I've worked months without rest - I mean, this is a small glitch in my life. I can overcome this. God knows it, I just need to believe it.

I stopped crying and smiled "Yes, you are right. Thank you for believing in me." And from then on I knew I would be okay.

And sure enough, things began falling into place.
I have a renewed confidence in what I want and will definitely achieve.
I am not going to let myself self sabotage myself. In terms of loneliness, yes definitely I would like a mate. But perhaps now is not the best time. I need to get through these hurdles first. Besides, my best friend gave me a nice scolding for baring my heart to be ripped apart like that. Normally I command men, not the other way round. Its what makes men more attracted to me. No more Miss Nice. The bad girl's come out to play.

I am unsure what tomorrow will bring. Nobody knows. But at least I can rely mainly on myself, and God is there to protect me, I know I will be okay.

To my best friend, you may be confused to what I am so grateful for. I'm just so glad I still have you, someone who truly understands who I am. Pity we are star crossed, if not it would have made both our lives easier.