Another sad news....

A lot of people often misunderstand me, until they really get to know me well. And once you get listed as one of my bestfriends, then you for surely know that you are treated like family, and even your family is treated like family. Perhaps that is the one thing about me that is different from a lot of other friends. If I say you are my bestfriend, it would mean that I know you inside out, and your family inside out, your parents, siblings, aunties and bestfriends. I would be ready to offer my assistance and be there, despite weddings, small parties, deliveries or even in grievances.
Of late, I have been getting a lot of sad news. It pains me, because its sad news from my closest friends, my bestfriends and thus I regard them as family. Like today, I stopped by HKL to visit my old best friend of mine since highschool. Her dad was admitted for gastrointestinal tract bleeding (bleeding from the gut) and the doctors haven't given them a reasonable answer despite being in the hospital for 1 week. Luckily, one of my acquantainces is a senior MO there, so I did manage to get some answers although they did not want to commit to any diagnosis. So I tried explaining the best I could to her father, who had watched me grow as a young teenager, into a successful lady. Yes, that is how close we were. I would say more than 10 years perhaps? Unfortunately, to me the prognosis is quite dim. With symptoms of malena and anaemia as low as 3.5 in 1 month, I would expect something sinister like a malignancy, or angiofibroma, or something critical. But it can also be a foreign body such as a fish bone penetrated into the ileus, because I have seen a case before during my surgical attachment. The good thing of knowing certain people, at least I know after this my best friend's dad will be treated better because his 'niece' is a doctor and once worked in HKL. Yeah, the benefits of having friends.
I thought all the bad news has ended until I received a call from my best friend in med school previously. She currently resides in Malacca, and her hometown was in Muar. During first year of medic school, my mum passed away and she was there for me to cry on, during second year, her dad passed away, and I was there to comfort her, then my mother-in-law passed away during my 2nd year of work life, she consoled me. I was there at her wedding, as her best lady, till the end of the ceremony. I know all 10 of her siblings below her. She called just now, her voice solemn. She told me that her younger brother had passed away yesterday. He was beaten up by a drug addict, came to ED with GCS of 4, had severe intracranial bleed and soon after passed away. I was shocked beyond words, and he was only 26. He was 2 days short of getting engaged to his girlfriend. The last time I saw him was more than a year ago. I cried as she related to me the story. Despite not really being there for her siblings, I regarded her siblings as my own, and she knows that I would help them out if they needed anything. And to hear one of them taken away so suddenly, well, my only comfort is that I know its because God loves him more, that is why he was taken. But the way he died, well, who are we to question God's fate? I really feel like driving down to Malacca today, but I have patients tomorrow, exams this weekend. It frustrates me because of my time limitations. But I promised to come visit as soon as I can.
Perhaps some wonder why I hold my best friends so dear. Well, if anyone remebered reading my blog, or remembered me from highschool, my family was a broken one. It is a fact that I have accepted over many years. I don't blame anyone for it, I guess everyone has some share in it. When I was younger, my siblings sort of left me out of their own activities because I was closest to my parents. Then as I reached my teens, things started to get messy when certain details of my parents were revealed. My mother fell sick when I was 16, and my dad was stressed and couldn't take the building tension. He took a second wife when I was 17, 4 months before SPM. At 18, my home was a living hell hole. My dad threw me out 9 times because I didn't get along with his new wife and because I was rebellious at that time. On the 9th time, I told my mum, I wanted to get my own apartment, which was when I rented in Vista Angkasa, Kerinchi. At 19 my mum died and things got difficult for me because my benefactor was gone. I spent 6 motnhs studying and working at the same time which led to a drop in my academic performance and soon the HEP got involved. I strucked a deal with my dad for financial help but after 3 months he told me to get married. So I married at a tender age of 20, 4 months shy of reaching 21. I accidentally got pregnant after 6 months and so I delivered my first child at 22. She was born so perfect except for a congenital anomaly of the brain that was so rare that it occurs 1 in 1,000,000,000 births. After months of anxiety, she was operated at 13 months, during my final year in med school, 3 months shy of my final exam. Yes, my life was tough, definitely. And I went through all of this with minimal or even zero family support.
Then my marriage was having problems, because I had high expectations, but my hubby didn't. And being bred as a high achiever, I just can't let it all pass. I became close to my mother in law whom I diagnosed initially to have breast CA. She died after 2 years of the disease, and with her died any hope for me to live with my husband at that time. It was a tough decision, but I had to make change in order to survive, so after 2 years of argument and a second child, I finally divorced last year after I gained my dad's consent. Even with his consent, there were some harsh words that followed, which I swallowed whole, regardless. Through all this madness, it was my bestfriends who kept me sane, and thus I became closer and closer until I become part of their family, because mine was broken. But its okay I said to myself, families can come in many ways, and through my bestfriends, I gained extra families that hold strong even till this day, be it 5 years, 10 years or even 15.
And perhaps if I do intend to get serious with anyone in the coming future, well its not just about him, but it'll also be about the mum, the dad, the siblings and other extended family. So if I can't cope, or if they don't like me then its too bad, because to me, getting hooked is not just to the individual but also to the family. Its for a lifetime ain't it?

Finally some me time.....

Its been a hectic month. Seriously hectic. I resigned my job as a government doctor, ventured into the new world of aesthetics and now I own a small clinic in the center of the town. Sometimes I wake up and I find it difficult to believe that I am actually a business owner now, no more waiting from other people's paycheck. Yes, it is a wonderful feeling but scary too perhaps.
Being young in the field, I'm working extra hard with training and study to get to were my other peers are. Its a lot of work and I'm juggling time between being the boss, and being a mum. My babies are such darlings but I must do what I must do for their benefit in the future. At least they see more of me now since I'm home every night, I go to work at 10 which enables me to whip up breakfast for them. And I have flexible time to run out of the office whenever I need to. So my girls get lots and lots and lots of kisses yes? Of course they do. And also late mornings with hugs in bed.
It sounds just like the complete picture, except for my own life companion which I have a fair idea of what type of guy I can actually live with. Or rather the opposite. I know what type of guys I cannot survive with and thus it becomes an exclusion criteria. I know that I can't go for a man 10 years older than me because in my standards its too old and they would start to order me about and there is a generation gap difference that would complicate things more. Besides, if the guy is too old, he can never cope with my hyper activeness unless he's a solid healthy man, but still, if I look like 40 when I'm 60, he'd be 70 and I doubt when you are 70 you'd have any zest for life. Unless my anti-aging technologies help turn around time. Well you'd wish.
I can't go with a man who already have a wife or an ex-wife because despite being a libra and all I know I could not accept having to compete with another woman for my man ever, nor share. Some things are not meant for sharing. I'd rather live a life alone rather. Besides, I'm addicted to true love, and true love is between two people, not three.
I also can't go with a man who has no religious faith or has less faith than I do, who does not bother to practice faith or doesn't believe in God. So far, God is my ultimate lover, so if it'll be against all my principles if I go with a disbeliever. Unless he converts, repents and willing to learn more about religion and God, perhaps. Because I learned it the hard way that true happiness comes from God, when you forget about God, your life will never truly be happy.
I need a guy who can understand my need to study and achieve things. I can't live with a person who thinks that a basic degree is sufficient, or that studying is just for students. I can't live with a guy who is content with just a measly salary or the nice support from his parents. I can't stand a guy with no vision, who does not see where he'll be in the next 5-10years to come. I can't stand a guy who won't do anything to better his life. A man is a man regardless of how successful his woman is. Therefore he should act like a man, stand on his two feet and show the world who's boss. I'm sick and tired of being the one to push and lead and persuade a guy to do good things to his own life, thus I guess I've given up to majority of the man population perhaps.
I need a guy I can idolize, respect, turn to when I have problems, that can comfort me, that brings me nearer to God, make me laugh and is not with me just for the benefits that I can bring, able to love my kids as his own, respects me as an individual, loves me and would be willing to sacrifice his own comfort for me. Yeah, it sounds like prince charming from a book. But I believe that there is a person like that out there, because there is a person like me. So its not impossible.
I just need God to lead the person to me. Or maybe he has? Time will tell. Its going to be awhile before I would decide to tie the knot with a new guy. With this new business and my custody fight, it'll be at least 2-3 years before I can settle down with a new guy. My kids would be big by then, and hopefully things would be easier. For the mean time, I'll just have to place my faith in God.

TOday is a stressful day again.....

I took leave from work today due to the many responsibilities of the coming family day and the stress handling my clinic. It was a good day in fact and I was at liberty to pamper myself with a 2 hour massage and spa treatment session that was fantastic.
The day was planned out and I was suppose to go out with the girls for a karaoke session. But alas, something unexpected happened. While on my way to send my sister in Shah Alam, it was raining and there were many cars. The car in front of me braked suddenly, and I sort of hit on the brakes too hard, and my car skidded 2 metres ahead and hit the car's rear on the left side. My right light shattered into a million pieces, the bulb still intact. And my bumper looked as if it could fall off anytime. Thank god everyone was okay.
The car in front of me suffered a scraping of paint and slight dent because the bumper was pushed in. However, the driver and the passengers were negroes, which sort of made my life harder. First of all, they thought I was chinese. I get extremely upset whenever people think I'm chinese. I am not as fair as a chinese, nor is my eyes extremely slanted, or any typical chinese features. But for some funny reason I normally get mistaken as a chinese. So on top of my distress of banging into someone's car and wrecking my own, I felt upset because he asked whether I was chinese. To me, race is not an issue, so why bother ask?
I didn't want to go and make a police report because the car owner is abroad and it would complicate matters, so I asked them to pay. Problem was, there was this idiotic mechanic who happened to be there and told them that his estimate is RM 1K. 1 K for paint scraping. I was pissed. So I said I'll pay the next day at the mechanic. BUt then they didn't believe me, I gave them my card, they didn't believe me, they asked for my IC and wanted to see it. Of course it blew me to the top. I have never felt so insulted in my whole life.
So i am pissed and tomorrow i have to settle my car. And i feel likew i'm going to be sick with something....

Dilemma.....

Patience in a Libra is something that is quite unpredictable perhaps. When I was younger I use to have a few temper tantrums, where initially I would be very patient but there are times that I just lose my cool and bite people. I always knew that I had patience issues. Perhaps that is why time and time again God has been trying to teach me patience. Perhaps I'm whizzing my life too fast. Despite all my history, perhaps I am still not patient enough.
Recently, I did something that perhaps I shouldn't. But only time will tell. This is another test of patience. God is fair, I'm just praying that God favours me in the outcome of my actions. But, if it doesn't, I must accept with an open but perhaps bruised heart. Now its just up to praying. Many times I feel I shouldn't have done what I did, but I guess my mentor is right, at least after this I wouldn't be left out in the blue. Persistently wondering. No matter what the outcome maybe, I must be prepared. But what if there was no answer to my actions? Then I'll still be in the blue, I cannot move on and I'm stuck. Then things get really weird because I'll be asking myself why, then regretting my idiotic mistake, start to shun away but always at the back of my mind wondering, what if?
I know I shouldn't say anything about it, just keep it to myself. But the suspense is driving me nutts. Oh god..... will there be answer to my heart?

In the midst of all the chaos....

It has been a hectic 3 weeks since I started my leave and resigned from my previous job. Yeah, I'm now on my own, starting anew in the corporate business world, running my own clinic guided by my two beloved mentors who both now have turned into partners. Being the young one in the company, it has been a hectic week of running around settling stuff, siting at my new office learning the trade, and having to attend corporate functions, not to mention my parties.... yes it is extremely exhausting.
Every aspect of the business must be surveyed by myself - which also includes my self-image as I am to be the face of the business. I went bonkers over shopping for new working outfits (since while i was in Govt, i had no regard for any dress code), despite being my own boss, but the clientele requires me to have a certain look, image and dressing. The daily wearing heels is taking a toll not just to my feet but my back as well.Yeah, despite looking all sophisticated and fancy, I'm actually quite simple. Everyday having to wear working clothes make me wish I could just sit in my crocs and jeans sometimes, but I guess personal comfort is for personal time - i.e. home. But the process of taking over a new business, I barely have any time for home. I'm only home to sleep and bathe, otherwise I'm at my business or attending meetings. I wish my clinic had a shower.. then it would be perfect.
In all the chaos, in all the confusion I do admit I feel a bit down. Its not because I am not happy with what I'm getting, but there are times that I feel too lonely. I guess its part of being single perhaps. Still not used to it perhaps. I just wish I had somebody I can confide in, share my happiness and also my tears, exclusively to me, who cares enough to listen and has empathy, who will worry for me, and watch out for me - basically I want someone to love me. But its not easy especially since I guess I overwhelm most men around me, so at the end of the day, I get frustrated because my partner is unable to cope with my activities and achievements. Like recently, I went for a birthday party with my closest friends, and also entertaining some of my mentors friends, yeah I was hyper and giggly, but soon after a few hours I started feeling depressed. All the singing and dancing couldn't lighten my mood. But I had to hide all my feelings until the function was over and I crept into bed at 3.30 am, and I silently wept asking God when will he send me someone who can cope with me, who fulfills all my criterias. Perhaps he has but perhaps its not time yet.
I have to attend a meeting soon. Yes I start my days early. There is not enough hours in a day if you waste any. Hmmm.........

Hectic weekend......

I'm now officially self-employed and I am completely happy about it. It has been a hectic 3 weeks leave to establish myself and prepare for the unknown world. The whole week was full of meetings meetings and more meetings, social functions and head splitting studying in wee hours of the morning. Not to mention my 2 babies came down with chicken pox and 2 weekends in a row traveling east to visit Misha. This weekend is a bit different as I am involved in ABIM retreat.
Yes, ABIM - I am actually a long standing member of the organization, the Health Bureau to be exact. I have been an invisible member since 2005, even some of my closest friends didn't realize how involved I was with the organization. For this year I was given the responsibility as AJK, which is quite cool. Funny previously I have evaded every single post they suggested, but for now I would love to be more involved.
Woops.. running late.. Gotta go.