Reflections.......

I know I haven't been updating my blog in quite awhile. I guess with all the happenings occurring around me in the past 2 weeks have actually left me dumbfounded a bit. Or perhaps there is a missing piece of the problem puzzle that I have yet to discover.

Oh well, time is of the essence. There is so many things to do, so little time and everything needs patience. I am not without fear that whatever I am working for collapses on top of me, but I bear in mind that our Creator will never test a subject unless he/she has the capability to overcome it and to Him I pray for strength in whatever I do, and to Him also I rest my doubts.

The events in the past 2 weeks have been pretty much amazing. I met new people, gained new allies and I am more confident with myself now. I got a glimpse of a new love, despite the many issues surrounding it, but in time God will reveal the true purpose of the encounter. I felt a love torn from my heart one day when I was working at my desk - I have a feeling that my old lover has finally tied the knot with his new girl. Despite praying for his happiness and that he find his companion before I did after our divorce, I must admit I did feel a pang of pain that morning as if a part of me had suddenly dimmed out. It could all just be my feelings - but if he has remarried, then I wish him all happiness. If not, then I hope he would soon. He was always useless without a woman.

As for the flame I've been trying to court for the past 2 years, I've decided enough is enough. It is time to move on. He knew what I wanted, he knew my intentions but if he has chosen as such then what can I ever do about it? God knows what's best for me, although I prayed for him, maybe he isn't the best for me. It is better to be with someone who wants you rather than someone that doesn't want me and just takes me out of sympathy. Although some nights I do admit I think of him, and I have a feeling he thinks of me too. But God always knows whats best for his subjects and I have faith he will guide me to the right person.

In my desperation I told God that if I remained single till the end of the year, I'd pledge myself completely to my work and remain single till I am 35. But I guess God doesn't want me to be single till I am 35, I suddenly find myself in a relationship with a guy I have just come to know.

I am a great believer of miracles and I believe that God will not forsake me. God never left me, it is me who forget sometimes and He needs to constantly remind me. But for this new year, I am praying that God makes my dealings easier so that then perhaps I could settle down with a nice guy and start the next chapter of my life.

Writer's bloc....

To many things happening in the past few days that have made a dramatic change to whatever I'm going through now. I have a lot of entries to write - as usual my year end recap, my new year resolution and the many activities I have been going through the past few days which included a retreat with my NGO, new friends and connections, new love perhaps........ unfortunately, with my extremely hectic schedule, the lack of sleep, rest and proper meals - it is difficult to write. I need a holiday definitely, praying that what is promised to me, today and tomorrow materializes. Perhaps I should just book myself into a hotel this xmas, just to rest, somewhere near my clinic so that I don't have to worry about driving and opening shop. We'll see.

Its almost the new year.........

This coming Friday will be the New Year for the Islamic calender. In another 2 weeks, is the new year according to the Gregorian calender. Time flies so fast when you are facing a lot of things at the same time. But I believe the worst is almost over. God is guiding me to be very patient with what transpired in the past year.

A lot of new things occurred in this past year. A lot of drama and obstacles that I had to go through. But looking back, I believe that everything that happened, happened for a reason - which was to make me grow wiser, stronger and more confident with myself.

I made new friends, I found love, I lost friends, I lost love. Perhaps this was the most difficult part of the year that I had to come to terms with. Silently, I sometimes still cry out of loneliness. I am after all just human. The issues with work, well, although stressful and in dire need of a solution, I face it with a more positive outlook. I have worked my hardest in the past 3 months, and I have faith that God will help me figure things out.

It is almost the new year, it is time to review my resolutions and plan for new ones. Hopefully I did achieve most of the things I set out to do this year. I wonder what's installed for me next year?

New Moon.....

I thought I may just do a short review on New Moon, the sequelae for Twilight since I've watched it. I saw it on the unofficial premiere night along side my two very best friends who are absolutely obsessed with Twilight and Edward Cullen. In the spirit of friendship, I attended the premiere and helped out with the goody bags just to support their cause. I am not a Twilight fan. Don't get me wrong, I love Vampire stories and Werewolves, but Twilight was just not really my thing. So I'll try not to be as bias as possible.

The opening scene was Bella in a beautiful field with Edward, when she suddenly come across an old lady, who looked exactly like her grandmother. She called to her, but she didn't reply, and then she was standing in front of the mirror and saw that old woman, next to Edward, and when she looked at herself, she was the old woman. It was a nice touch to describe Bella's dilemma of growing old when Edward remained young. She woke up with a start and it was her birthday. She wasn't too happy people wishing her happy birthday as it reminded herself of growing older, whilst Edward remained as how he is. Later that day, she was at the Cullen's celebrating her birthday when she cut herself on paper and one of the vampires tried to make a hit for her, which Edward stopped. But flung her across the room and broke another table and she bled more. Figures.

After the commotion ended, Edward sent Bella home. Subsequently, he was absent from school and then he came over to tell her that he was leaving. Bella wanted to come along, but he said no. This was a touching scene. So then Edward was gone. Bella went into major depression, refusing to socialize, until a few months later, she decided to get on with her life. She became close to Jacob and Jacob was highly interested in her. But then Jacob changed, and then refused to see her, and again she was thrown into desperation. Oh, I forgot to mention that whenever Bella tries to do anything crazy, she'll see Edward telling her not to, and you could guess went on a high adrenaline rush streak. She learns a secret about Jacob, which made them friends again.

Oh, and the other vampire, Victoria came back to kill her. But the wolves stopped her. Bella on the other hand, missing Edward, tried cliff jumping just to see him, ended up drowning but was saved by Jacob. Victoria was in the water too, but didn't manage to get to Bella before Jacob. Afterwards,Edward tries to call Bella at home but Jacob picked up saying she wasn't there, and that her father was attending a funeral. Thinking that Bella has died, Edward decided to send himself to Rome to get himself murdered by the Vampire overlords. Alice goes back to town to pick up Bella to save Edward.

In terms of storyline, I almost vomited because it dragged so much. There was just so much drama, that it was just like a soap opera. But I really have to give it to Bella, because her character potrayed a very unique mix of emotions which was actually very good and I guess people can relate to her. The cinematography improved a lot from the earlier movie, the effects were smooth. There were a few questions hanging, such as what happened to Victoria? I mean, I would have expected more from her rather than just a short chase around the woods.Plus the Roman scene was too short, should have elaborated a bit more. And Dakota Fenning's part was too little. I guess some fans felt a bit disappointed.

Overall, it is still watchable if you like romance movies with a little bit of action. Or if you are a die-hard Edward Cullen fan, or if you like young guys with 6 packs (Yes, there were some nice male bods featured). Although many Twilight fans do admit, the first twilight storyline was far much better than this one, but I guess the half naked guys won more votes.

Loving myself......

Despite all the turmoils that I've trudged through this whole year, I still find myself smiling. Its true when they say when you learn to love God, you learn to love yourself more. You try your best to be an excellent individual, because God wants us to be excellent individuals. In every calling for prayer, he reminds us by inviting us to excel to glory.

God is fair, that is one thing that I purely believe. It is us humans who make life unfair for each other, but its okay, if God wills something to happen, then definitely it must be for a good reason. We just need to learn to understand things as they come.

I think God is trying to teach me to love myself more. I have been sacrificing everything for everyone around me but it was out of desperation. But now I do it out of love for God and out of love for myself.

Its nearing year end, and I have found myself calmer than when I first started. Despite the problems, the heart break and the constant struggle to maintain a healthy cash flow, I have a good feeling that things will be much better after this.
Insya Allah.

Sometimes I wish I can help other people see what I see, and perceive the world as how I perceive it - I could really make them smile everyday as how I smile. But God is all-knowing, and perhaps this revelation is something they need to find out for themselves. All I can do for them is pray.

Its December....

Its the first day of December, how fast time flies. I feel like it was just yesterday we celebrated new year and I was all geared up with the challenge of making my clinic a success. At that time, I never thought that things could go as haywire as it did, I was confident because I had a strong investor partner at hand - or so I thought. Unfortunately, men lie, and so I was left to continue my journey alone. It was a great eye opener to me, that I have to learn to stand on my own feet. Many people tell me to give up, and rejoin hospital services since I was so good at it before. But what they don't understand is the passion.

How can I let my life's passion slip out of my way without trying my best? I certainly cannot. Although I am having trouble getting financing from banks and other institutions because my company is still new, I still believe there will be a good samaritan that will be willing to get me back up on my feet, because I know with all my heart, investing with me is never a bad decision to make, and I am confident I can pull through very well. I just need a little bit of help in the beginning just to get the ball rolling. Is it too much to ask?

Someone asked me recently, what would I do if I don't get the proper funding? Well, I said I don't want to put my perspectives that way, but if it were to come to that, then let's pray that God would send someone to help pull myself together because it'll be really bad if I ever reach to that level of depression ever. But I know I'll be okay, because I have God on my side, and I believe his promises. Besides, I will be of no good to anybody if I did not succeed. Stabilizing my business means I can afford time away to do my humanitarian work where they really need dedicated doctors. It also means I can help out my colleagues when they need to find a stand in when they are on holiday. Stabilizing my business would also allow time for me to work on other projects such as my obesity campaign, young adults retraining and a lot of things. I can contribute so much to the society if I settle that one and only problem, not before.

In some instances, I do feel frustrated with how people play around with my time and at the end of it results in nothing. But I sincerely believe, God has good plans for me and that the right funder will come to help me. 2009 has been a year of suffering, but I learnt a lot from it too. Just need to have a little bit more patience and everything will start to move into place. Amen.+

MRA Group 8 - part 3

19th NOVEMBER 2009

It is Thursday, and soon our mission would be complete. My patient from the other day did not make an appearance last night, although we waited. Perhaps the idea of having to travel to seek medical help did not appeal to the parents I presume. However, it was a total shame as his left distal thigh abscess was quite big and without a proper incision and drainage it would spread to his need joint and he is at risk of developing septic arthritis which in the long run without proper treatment may lead to injury to the knee joint and impair mobility. I’ve already explained to the parents concerning the consequences of no surgery. The least I did was give him antibiotics, which pray to God, he has the decency to take. Being trained in pediatrics for many years has made me extremely sensitive to child health issues. I feel that this is also a failure on my part.
I got up a bit later than usual, perhaps close to 8 am. Haji Hani was out handling some cattle issues for the upcoming Aidil Adha celebrations. Breakfast was fried rice courtesy of Norhayati, my only female nurse and company.
This morning we set out to see the progress on our home building projects. We were taken on a few sights near Sungai Sarik that was our next clinic destination of the day. These homes were a bit different from the temporary homes that we saw before because it still uses the old housing frame, and recycled rubble added to rebuilt the collapsed home. There were certain criterias to fulfill before a home is built for the victims, which includes the victims’ capability of income, presence of little children and elderly people.
After the short visit, we headed to Limpato, Sungai Sarik for the next mobile clinic. On the way there, Pak Yah told us that yesterdays drama was actually more than it seems. Apparently, it was not a matter of road rage, but rather crime of passion. The man beaten up was upset because the guy who beat him up ran off with his ex-wife and this was part of a revenge plot. They were actually having a chasing tail gating scene prior to banging into each other and fighting with each other and landing on our doorstep that night. I guess life in Padang could be interesting at times.
Limpato was a nice village which was related to one of the KDI ustaz, whom I’ve seen a couple of times visiting our home stay in Pariaman. We set camp in front of a school under an open stall. Luckily, there was a nice breeze blowing through which made the hot morning sun bearable. The response from the locals was surprisingly good, although initially the clinic ran slow. We saw 110 patients that day in a span of 4 hours. Haji and me even went to an extent of doing an incision and drainage for a boy with a right thigh abscess, this time smaller than the one previous. After a positive pus aspiration via syringe, I made a small X cut on top of the fluctuating area to remove the pus. We removed almost 5 cc of pus from the abscess, but what I was more astounded was the fact the boy could stand the procedure with only ethylene chloride spray given prior. He didn’t even cry, he only admitted to pain – and he was not even a teenager yet. Thumbs up kid! We washed and dressed the wound and I wrote a letter for the parents to bring to any nearby facility for dressing daily. I covered him with antibiotics and some panadol and he was on his way. Another observation that we made was that the people there were very patient and orderly, not like our previous clinics. They even helped us carry our boxes prior to the clinic and as the clinic ended.
We finished at about 3pm, exhausted and hungry. Lunch was again nasi padang, but this time the shop had more meat in it. I opt for simple plain rice and rempah fried chicken because I wasn’t feeling to good. The rest had the fried rice that we packed from this morning with some of the dishes sold. Buffalo stew was actually quite nice as we tried a plate to eat. After lunch, we went back to the ‘telekung’ factory we visited earlier to buy some more and then headed home. It was still early when we reached home and so we decided to take a look around the area. We went to a nearby stall selling ‘Bika’, which was something like our version of ‘Apam’ except for the coconut was blended into the dough. They used a special leaf found by the beach as the placemat that gives a very special aroma that adds to taste. It was quite sweet. We also went to visit a nearby telekung factory in front of the house, but we found that the designs and price were not up to our liking.
That night, we were pretty exhausted from the long day. It was Friday night, so we had our prayers and Yaasin reading. Dinner was chicken soup and mix vegetables with omelet. We were pretty exhausted after all the cleaning and rearranging drugs, and that night we slept early because the next day we need to get up early for our next clinic which was situated quite far from where we were.


20th November 2009

We got up early since we were to set out before 7am. Breakfast was simple bread and jam, some coffee and we were good to go. The journey was a long one. We stopped to fill up for gas on the way. It took us almost 2 hours to reach the last clinic spot which was near Maninjau Lake called Sigiran. Surrounded with natures finest greenery, we were awestrucked at the sight of the huge lake situated amidst the mountains. It looked like we were by the seaside, except for our brains telling us we went uphill. On the other side, there were remains of a landslide which made the road all too narrower.
We arrived at Sigiran mosque at half past nine. I was feeling a bit queezy. Motion sickness perhaps, more like morning sickness. We set camp outside the mosque. Time was limited due to Friday prayer’s but we managed to see 104 patients altogether. One boy had persistent rhinorrhoea with foul smelling discharge. I took a look and it appeared that he had put something up his nose. Thanking God for my 6 months ENT training before resigning, I found a curved forceps and managed to remove the foreign body with ease. It was all green and smelly. There was a bit of blood afterwards, and he cried mainly because of the blood I think.
My head was hurting and luckily the clinci was closed early for the Friday prayers. The men went on with prayers while Norhayati and me dispensed the remaining medications and then packed up all our stuff. After prayers, we said goodbye to the people of Sigiran and had lunch on the other side of the lake. Menu as usual, nasi padang. It was still quite early when we finished lunch. Since Bukit Tinggi was another half an hour drive, we decided to check out the place, just to see why people were really excited about it. The journey up was breath taking and altogether there was 44 bends to reach the top. It was quite cool, comparable to our Cameron Highlands I would say. The Bazaar was mayhem and it was interesting to see the different type of stalls. Mostly sold praying clothes, embroided clothes and bags. After a few hours we headed home. We reached Pariaman at around 9pm. Dinner was Pariaman Fried Chicken bought prior to reaching home. We packed our things for the journey home tomorrow.

21st November 2009

Dawn arrived and most of us woke up a bit later than we normally did. I wasn’t feeling so well, the Fried Chicken had caused me to purge all morning. My staff nurses helped clean up the house before we got into the car for our journey home. Of the many days staying in Pariaman, we finally understood what ‘Gempar Sumbar’ meant – we thought it meant earth quake, but actually ‘Sumbar’ was an acronym for West Sumatera (Sumatera Barat).
We reached the airport early at around 12 pm. Pak Yas cried as we said our goodbyes. Apparently in our short stay, he grew fond of our small team.
Whilst waiting in the airport, we met another group of volunteers from University Malaysia Kelantan. It was the first time they were there to offer humanitarian help. The dean wanted his students to be exposed to humanitarian work besides just studying for a certificate. He is also sending a bigger group to Cambodia for the coming Aidil Adha.
We got on the plane and I guess everybody gave a sigh of relief. One week away from our beloved home town makes the journey home the most anticipated part. The flight was a bit bumpy but the takeoff and landing was super smooth.
It was a wonderful experience, the journey, the people, the new surroundings and the new friends we made. Watching other people’s home being struck by natural disaster makes us feel so blessed that it did not happen to our homes instead. Despite the help given, it wasn’t really much but perhaps it was enough to remind them that there are people who care about them in the world. As for my team, I couldn’t have asked for a better one. Definitely I need to say thank you so much for their cooperation and dedication. I couldn’t have done this mission well without all of you. A special thanks to Haji Hani also for his guidance and patience with us.