Between Love, Wealth and Power........

Its been awhile since I've actually written in my personal blog. Not at all due to the lack of interest in writing, but rather the lack of time and the need to be more discreet. When you are at the helm of a big idea, despite your good intentions, you need to be wary about things that may shoot you down. I have a few snipers waiting in the dark to get me at the right moment.

Being me is possibly one of the most hectic jobs around, although many friends express their jealousy of the flexibility of my time and work. Yeah, but then I work all the time, other people get to clock out at 5.The earnings are good as long as I am willing to pour in the extra effort, and mind you, most of it is your own effort.

Which is why my time is highly valuable. Time is money. And in the line of what I am doing, network is of utmost importance. Hence you could imagine the stress I am going through when I lost my Iphone. Luckily I have a back-up of my contacts and applications in my macbook but it still leaves me to have to buy another phone. Wish it was that simple.

But despite all the chaos going around in my world, I know it doesn't bother me that much since its always been chaos. Just needs a little more effort to get it to the point I want it to. What bothers me is whether am I making the right decisions for my own personal life. Unfortunately, only God knows.

Being an alpha female is never easy. Especially when you have empathy on board. Despite telling myself I will not make any excuses for a guy, I find myself spiraling down the same tunnel. Its not exactly healthy to the mind. It bears worst for the heart. And I keep asking myself day by day why do I let myself be hurt by my beau's complete ignorance of me.

Young men are so naive. They believe that they have to act so macho in front of a woman so that they don't lose their manhood. It is completely bullshit. A real man has the capability to tackle his surroundings and at the same time keep the woman that he loves happy. There is a misconception on what makes a woman happy. For younger women, material items makes them feel happy but its temporary. As you mature, (and have the capability to buy your own goodies and diamonds) all these material items are not so important anymore. What is more important is the attention. No point having a beau if he is not concerned about your daily happenings.

A lot of guys ask me this, why do they need to text the girlfriend everyday, and that they like their privacy. I simply answered, a relationship involves 2 people. Therefore, you can't just think about what you like, but what the other would prefer. If you go around doing only what you like with disregard of what the other person feels or wants, then definitely the other person is sacrificing his/her own comfort to compensate yours. In time, this will lead to more dissatisfaction and cause the relationship to wilt and break. Besides, smses cost 10 cents. Men spend more on cigarettes. And it'll save you the hassle of having to fight with your girl daily. Girls just want attention, if you don't give them any, they'd feel unappreciated.

The best part is, the moment they hit 35-40, they become more fatherly and concerned, so young stuffs get excessive attention. Which is why I won't tolerate this sort of treatment. I've been married before, I know exactly how I want the relationship to be. Having a communication breakdown is probably bliss for the man, but hey, I'm just human. If I feel unwanted I'll just walk. No more sacrificing for people who do not appreciate it.

Musings......

Its been a really hectic week and a stressful month. Sales are low and I have to keep myself up and running to keep up with all the workload I am facing. A lot of events have occurred, good ones and bad ones, as good as receiving a new family member to the loss of others. With the recent tsunami in Japan, my worries is to my beau who is stationed in a port in China, ripples from the quake is felt all the way to Sabah which makes me more concerned. At least he's still okay. Busy as usual and only concerned about his work at this moment. I pray to God he remains safe.

Having both my girls for this school holiday is one of the most tiring phase I have to go through. But I promised myself before, Mom first, CEO second - so the needs of my girls will be my priority. And I can understand their dilemma. Having a new baby into the family which does not share the exact gene trademark as they do is pretty stressful, especially if the parent involved does not take the time to talk to them and explain what is going on.

It is unfortunate that my children have to grow up in two separate cultures. My ex as typical as the surrounding, and my culture which is completely different. But I didn't spend years in pediatrics to not learn to understand how the mind of a child works and I can sense the frustration of my eldest daughter, and its not easy for her to let it out. It is difficult being a mum and a doctor as well, and having to control my emotions at the same time. Honestly there are times I feel like I want to beat the sense into that idiot for his selfishness. Be a father idiot - not an asshole. With the arrival of your new son, perhaps it is the best take that my eldest angel be returned to me so that I can sort out her life. I may not be perfect, but I know that my actions are for the best interest on my children and not purely for myself.

I have decided to take my little girl back and despite all the events and commotion going on, and the lack of funds and other things that worry my head, I believe God will back me up and help me. I will survive and be successful. Deep inside I know it.

My Blog.... Where do I see it Going?

I love blogging. Its a good way to get thoughts sorted out and express your creativity and ideas. I haven't had much time to blog minus the marketing blogs and health blogs I have to do for the business. This blog has been around for the past 2 years since Friendster made my Friendster blog disappear and completely made me lose any interest in using that social network. I had 183 entries in Friendster which was lost and I was really hurt. But mistakes do happen and I am not saying that Friendster is inefficient in its handling, its just that I've been smitten, so I decided to go onto blogger instead. So far so good, still happy.

Blogging has helped me release a lot of the implosive anger that surrounded me over the years pertaining to my relationships, my marriage, my divorce, the 2 year custody spat, the constant stress to provide for offsprings, the constant struggle to find myself and be sure of who I am.

After 12 years of trying hard to make a mark on this world - at 30 I believe I may have achieved just that. I know exactly who I am, what I want, who my loved ones are, who my friends are and what I am capable of doing. Its never been so crystal clear. Lets hope the focus stays.

Being a single mum in a community where single mum's are usually regarded as the lesser woman by elders and the society, I do find it frustrating and annoying at first, but honestly I don't care anymore. I am happier single. I have my 2 beautiful daughters whom I am so blessed to have, and I work hard to be a better mum and a better person everyday. I'm taking my time to think about getting into another companionship and I feel good about it. I am definitely not desperate for a guy. 3 years of being alone has taught me to survive well, and I love my life.

I find that I have come a long way from that woman who is always seeking for validation and acknowledgment of who she is, to a woman who knows who she is regardless no one else does and wouldn't care 2 cents if anyone was to tell her otherwise. I have no obligations to follow anyone but myself, its so nice to be able to say No to the things you don't feel like doing.

This year my focus would be on my business and on women issues. Since my business already has a blog, I was thinking of directing this one towards women issues. I already have a few ideas on what to write that may help other women overcome their worries. We'll see.

New Year Resolution 2011

As usual, every year I have the habit of writing up my New Year resolutions.
This year its more detailed to what I really want.
Well here goes:

1. I want to completely stabilize my business and earn profit from all the hard work put into it.
2. I want to take up a post graduate course.
3. I want to learn Mandarin.
4. I want to go to Umrah.
5. I want to achieve my financial freedom.
6. I want to be a better servant to Allah.
7. I want to be a better mum to my 2 kids.
8. I want to start my home fund.
9. I want to go on a back packing trip.
10. I want to find that Mr Right for me - whom I have already identified the criterias which are: Physically taller than me and nice to look at, Mentally able to match my intellectual wit, Spiritually loves Allah more than I do, Socially able to adapt to my lifestyle and friends, Financially more stable than I am, and most importantly accepts me as who I am and who I aim to become and accept my kids like his own. He's out there somewhere.

Best of luck... Lets see how I scored next year.

Reflections.......

I haven't written in my blog in such a long time. I know something is wrong with myself. Writing has always been a passion of mine, the lack of time has never been an excuse for me not to write on my blog. I always find time.

Similarly the other things I am fond of like jogging early morning listening to the first birds sing, singing in the car or dancing at home with my girls. Cooking for one is a major passion, and with my girls around normally I have so many different projects to work on - but not recently. I smile less, I talk less, I read less. All I feel like doing is sleep. but even sleep does not come easy to me.

Things around me are good. It may not be perfect, but when I look at myself comparing this year and before - I am much better off this year.

Its just me perhaps. I need to find part of myself for myself.
Its no fun being only half here. I'm a survivor. I am a rainmaker. The only thing that can stop me from being happy is myself. And I choose to be happy.

A New Lesson in Life.........

It has been such a hectic month. So many new things have popped into my life which makes it more frenzy than it usual (which most people already think its a handful)... Opportunities, opportunities... and opportunities...... yes, every new thing in life is an opportunity. That is how I perceive the world. Its been a hard year struggle but eventually there is some light at the end of the tunnel....

This month, my patience is tested to the maximum..... I have been in scenarios like this before and usually when things come hailing down on me.. it usually means that God is trying to teach me something... there was a lesson of patience, a lesson of independence, a lesson of change... and after pondering for weeks what is actually the problem with my life... I guess the lesson to be learnt is to be careful whom you trust, and that I don't have to be too nice to everybody... only to the people who are important in my life and involved in making sure I'm okay at all times.

Even some of my friends I start to question whether do they actually regard me as a friend the way I regard them? Maybe my ideation of friendship is such a high concept that most people can't comprehend. Oh well.. time to pack my stuff........

Musings....

It has been ages since I last had time to sit and write for my blog. Yes it has been a hectic one month, especially with both my girls with their father for this moment, I find myself endlessly working. Only recently I managed to breathe a little bit better by focusing on settling my problems step by step. Difficult issues to tackle, yet I do believe with wisdom, luck and perseverance I'll be just fine. I have my God with me at all times, there is nothing to be afraid of.

During this time also I felt emotionally torn returning to an empty home. There were so many incidents that I could have sworn I heard Nabilah's voice and laughter but when I looked she was not there. There were instances in my sleep that I felt like my girls came into the room and talked to me. Yes, I miss them terribly and I guess not many can understand the loneliness and agony of not being able to speak or see my babies. I have already figured out a solution to my problem for the short run, which if the plan works would be a great relief for the 3 of us.

I noticed there was a lack of social communication between me and my friends. There was even a more lacking communication between me and my platonic boyfriends. Speaking of platonic boyfriends, the sad reality is that they don't understand me. Which in a way it is a good thing because then I don't feel so guilty ignoring everybody. I find myself more interested in hanging out with my girlfriends rather.

I do admit at times I do feel lonely. Sometimes a warm hug is all I crave for. I am after all human. Regardless of age, race, stature.... every human being requires love. That is what makes us human. With my babies out of sight, the yearning for love becomes more intense. It just feels so alone waking up in an empty bed, walking through an empty house. Maybe that is why I prefer to work all the time, at least I am surrounded by people. Luckily now i do have some housemates, but even they find it difficult to break my workaholic cycle. Its a survival instinct. At least I feel like I am doing something to change my current situation.

There was actually one thing that God wanted to show to me during this period. In my most unhappy time, only few realized the torment I was going through - thus these people are the people whom I should pay more attention to. As for the men who are just there for smiles... well, it was nice to know you, but you don't care about me, why should I bother about you?

I have come to terms that the path I walk will be quite lonely for a bit, but eventually I will find that right someone for me, and I will get my babies back definitely. (Likely the babies first). Being unique is not easy - its hard to find people like you. But being unique is God's gift to you, so I shouldn't complain. To find a person as unique as I am is not that easy...... to get someone to appreciate the uniqueness in me is even harder. Nevertheless, it is not impossible, so I shouldn't put my standards any lower...