Letter to my Ex-hubby.......

Dear Mr M,

I have been contemplating over these few weeks whether I would write this entry or not. There is a possibility that you may not even realize the existence of this letter, since apparently your head is busy with other things now. But, for peace of heart and mind I guess I would need to write this for if you know me that well you know that it is one of my outlets to pent up feelings.

Where do I start? We had a wonderful life together, I practically grew in front of your eyes. From the young innocent teenager, to a full blown woman bearing children. We fell in love the first time we laid eyes on each other and I defied all odds just to be with you. Despite my father's wrath and the many scowls that we received in the beginning, perseverance finally led to wedlock. But what went wrong? I've asked myself this question one time too many. Why did the passionate love we had died so sudden? I was so madly in love with you, or perhaps a vision of you, that I sacrificed a little too much.

Blame me for what transpired, yes definitely I blamed myself. I was too keen to shelter you from the hardships of the world that you took all my efforts for granted. I pampered you too much, until you forgot that it was you who was suppose to take care of me not the other way round. Despite my brain telling me that you would not change, my heart refused to believe it. I followed your every whim, hoping that some day you would break loose from your cocoon and spread your wings like a butterfly. But I was wishing on the wrong cocoon. There was no butterfly inside it. And in grief, I had to accept that I was mistaken.

I prayed to God for guidance and this is the guidance he had given me. God is always Almighty, and all merciful. He knew that the longer I stayed with you, the fire burning in me would soon to diminish into embers. He gave me a new purpose in life, one that I am highly grateful for. So despite all the hardships that I will need to go through, I chose to change, as my creator had said that he will not change the fate of anyone unless they make steps to change themselves first. I prayed for the divorced, I got what I wanted, honestly I have never regretted the decision I made. I only regret that what we had did not last as long as we thought it would.

Knowing you extremely well, I prayed to God to grant you a partner that is more suitable to you and one that can ease your heart's suffering of losing me. I guess God has been kind to you, almost immediately your heart was open to a few other girls and the most recent one, I pray she would make you happy. Living with a woman is not so much hell if you could understand them well enough, hopefully what you learnt while we were together would help you fare better in your coming marriage. Just remember to pray for guidance, and never promise anyone anything that you have no intention of doing. Treat her fairly and listen to her. Perhaps with a lady who speaks the same language would be easier than understanding me. For that lucky lady, be patient with him, he has a good heart although perhaps he's easily influenced by other things.

Now it comes to Aina and Nabilah. Our two beautiful angels. You should learn to listen to Aina, she misbehaves just to gain attention. She loves both of us too much, but she fears you more rather than me. She fears that you may hate her for following me, she fears that I may not let her visit her favourite granny. Nabilah is well, thank you. Her development and vocabulary has increased drastically since under my care. Despite hating to have to separate them this way, but perhaps it is for their benefit as well as ours. I have yet to receive any premonition to make me think otherwise.

Why am I writing this again? Well perhaps the news of your soon to be matrimony, I find slightly disturbing. Its not that I am still in love with you, I couldn't even hate you because you gave me the gift of our two angels. I question myself why am I reacting this way. Honestly, I am happy that you have found someone to continue the journey of life, hopefully she is the right one. I guess my concern is for Aina, hopefully she can accept this well.

If there is any hard feelings towards me, pray do forgive me. My actions now are consequences of your own stubborness in the past. As I've told you before, do not ire me, for I can be the worst enemy because I never give up in anything I believe in. Whatever in the past is the past, best to be forgiven if not forgotten. Whatever is in the future only God knows. We are only left to live in the present, so live it wisely.

May God guide you in every task.

With love,

Anja.

Priorities.....

I went for lunch with a good friend today and we had an interesting chat. I was curious as to why he was still single after so many years and the one reason that made all sense was priorities. Apparently he had different sets of priorities that most women find difficult to understand. I guess everyone has their own priorities in life.
Actually its dangerous when two people decide to start a relationship but each have different priorities. Yeah, I had to learn it the hard way. When I was younger, I was incredibly intelligent, hyperactive, stubborn and rebellious. I wanted things done my way because I was extremely confident that my way would definitely work because it was my way. But, we live in a world full of other human beings, definitely we could not have everything our way.
So I guess God decided to teach me humility, the hard way. I was married to my boyfriend of 4 years. I knew him since I was 17. He was a nice guy, perhaps a bit young when we married, and he loved me a lot. But there was just one big problem. Our priorities were different. His priorities in life was very simple. Have a job, get a wife and have kids. He didn't define it more than that, plus he did not understood me then, nor does he understand me now. My priorities were a bit more complex. Coming from a family of high achievers, I wanted more than just being married and have kids. I told him that I wanted to upgrade my standard of living to the next level for the children - with hope that the subsequent generation would continue my effort so that our family would be in a higher social class by the end of it.
But he couldn't and wouldn't understand it. I pursued my studies until I completed my degree, then I started working. I had high dreams of specializing early, going off to do my masters in pediatrics and writing clinical papers and gain recognition in my social world. I was known as an efficient doctor, I received 2 offers for early masters program which I turned down because of the rift in my marriage. My priority then was to be a good doctor, earn my specialization and at the same time be a good wife and mother to my child. Unfortunately, how do you become a good wife if you have a bad husband? A husband that does not realize that he was leeching on your every good will that you start to hate yourself for being a good person. Everything you did was never good enough, but everything he did was not flawed even though he did not fulfill his responsibilities as a husband not only to you, but to God. After awhile you get fed up of trying to please everyone else, you just want to please yourself. So I prayed to God to give me some light, I was already on the verge of suicide because life seemed hopeless. Then I started thinking, perhaps I didn't love God enough that my life was so unhappy, so I prayed and prayed, and finally God gave me a way and I initiated the divorce. I got out from the chasm that was sucking away all my dreams. For a very long time, I was finally happy. God taught me a big lesson in humility and patience which I am grateful for. I guess the saying is true, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Yups, exactly.
It must be weird to be the 'happiest divorced person alive' (my bffs call me that), but I was truly happy. I was not afraid because I believe that God was on my side, although sometimes I may be a bit naughty or caught up with things of the world.
Now 2 years after my separation and divorce, I know exactly what I want in life. My priorities are quite the same, only the approach is different. I still want to specialize in something - but now its more of aesthetics and skin. I want to improve my social status - which I have. I want to be a good mother to my kids - eventhough I only have one child now, but I'm doing my best for her. I make it a point to listen to her everyday, and try not to get too absorbed with my work. Yes, I do plan to get a husband - but its mainly for companionship reasons. Not security, not money, not kids, not sex (okay perhaps part of it is sex, I'm no angel), not anything material in this world. Just someone I could spend the rest of my life with in peace, bring me nearer to God because a husband would help curb a lot of sinful tendencies. But it wouldn't be now because I haven't yet achieved the financial freedom and the other things I want to do in life. Maybe another year, maybe two, maybe four, maybe ten. The important part of the formula is the right guy with the right attitude. Well, I'll leave that decision to God since he knows whats best for me. Maybe he's just around the corner, who knows.

Living with a Toddler - Part 1....

It is not uncommon to hear screams of dismay, "Nabilah... Nooooooo........." if you come by my house nowadays. Living with a toddler can be tricky especially when its just you and me. But I've managed for the past 1 months plus, despite the difficulty in getting a maid, I have finally resorted to bringing my kid to work most of the time unless there is some urgent discussion, then I would send her off to a trusted family or friend.

The thing about Nabilah is that despite barely being 2 years and almost 5 months, she is quite determined to get her way in everything she does, perhaps a complete photocopy of the original gene donor (i.e. myself). Luckily, I've managed to master the art of negotiating with a toddler, thus at times its more of an open discussion on what we do for the day. For instance, if today she already watched her Tom & Jerry show till 10 pm, then the next day, I would negotiate to get to watch CSI or House. Usually she would be quite persistent on her decision, to the point that I have memorized most of the T&J cartoons, but with the proper deal, I do get what I want.

Same goes for food selection. Luckily we eat almost the same thing - noodles, pasta, some rice, chicken, fruits and tons of chocolate. On top of that she has her trusted milk bottle which I can't seem to wean off yet, probably a lot to do wit the stressor of having divorced parents and separated from her only sibling. Well, she's only 2+, hopefully by 4 she stops on her own, just like the pacifier. She stopped at 1 year because I told her it didn't look pretty on her. Okie, so perhaps I was a bit hard on critism.

Bedtime for Nabilah is around 10 pm, and it is a compulsory must that I read to her before she sleeps. Her favourite book is "Hands are Not for Hitting" by Martine Agassi. Occasionally, there are princess stories, goldilocks, red riding hood and other short fairy tales. She would jump on bed with a bottle in her mouth, one hand on the book shoving to my face, but before that she gets my elmo for me to hug (yeah, she knows I must have my elmo) and choose her favourite pillow.

Recently, a guy friend of mine came over to put some stuff at my house. We were chatting about all sorts of things, but Nabilah seemed restless while the guy was around. She kept calling me, wanting me to sit and watch TV with her. If I didn't know better, I would say she was jealous that I was talking to him rather than her, or perhaps she sensed that I liked the guy or perhaps vice versa. Well anyways, afterwards I watched tv with her as usual our routine while asking what she wanted for dinner. She wanted rice with fried chicken, so I went to the kitchen to whip it up for her. I was quite quiet that day because I was having sore throat, and running a mild temperature. When I got back to the living room, it was a complete mess with paper everywhere and water dripped on the carpet, and chicken bones and toys thrown in every direction. Talk about vengeance. She had my cat pinned down on the carpet, and I scolded her for doing so and released my poor boy from her clutches.

I cleaned up the mess, yes I admit I am a known OCD case for cleanliness. The only way I seem to be able to stop my compulsion to clean repetitively is to not be at home. I picked up my child and hugged her tight. "What's wrong baby?" I asked, as she dug her face into my chest. "Its okay darling, what are you upset about? Mummy loves you, mummy will always love you. Regardless if mummy were to have any other man in my life, but mummy will never forget my babies, okay?" She looked at me with her cheeky pixie-like face and mouthed out "Mumma" and smiled. Then she pointed to her bottle and said "Shu..". So much for intellectual conversation.

Being a single mum is not easy. Living in with a toddler isn't easy too. Although in my heart I really wish to have a companion, a guy to love and love me in return, but the needs of my little ones, how emotionally affected they are even at an age so young. Perhaps next time I should do what I always do, keep all the guys I know out of sight until a certain time they are able to accept a new man to the house. Perhaps a year, perhaps 2. Well, in that case I'm not in a hurry then.

Unwinding.....

Its a long week and I have a major decision to make that will change the course of my life. No, I'm not getting married. That's still beyond me. Besides, I need to settle myself first and be sure that the next guy I marry would be able to take good care of me.
I just finished watching a romantic comedy - Lyrics & Melody. Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore. It was a nice sweet movie. I'm actually a sucker for romance comedy, yeah and I do cry at the end. Its funny, because outside I'm such a dominant, fiesty and demanding lady. When I'm in my home, I talk less, I like sentiments and prefer to listen rather. Pretty opposite perhaps. Well there is always 2 sides of the scale. I'm a great fan of Hugh Grant. I love his accent and his witty conversation which is charming. Drew has the most innocent look when she plays romantic comedies - remember wedding singer, 50 first dates...
Perhaps I grew up believing in happy ever after. Well I do believe in happy endings, my life has always been so much filled with drama that it sometimes make me lose touch with reality. But to get a man that is able to cope with my unpredictable mood and hyperactiveness is like looking for a needle in a haystack, but i know he's there.
Its late and I have to keep my energy up for tomorrow. Goodnite....

Happy Valentine's Day......

Its February the 14th again and perhaps there's a lot of love in the air. Valentine's Day got its name from Saint Valentines but none of them were related to love per se, only perhaps one of them who secretly conducted marriages during the Roman Claudius II rule, where the Roman pagan believed that married men did not make good soldiers.
Some scholars believed that Valentine's day was actually a christian version of the pagan celebration Lupercalia which was the dedicated to the sacred marriage of Zeus and Hera occurring in mid-February which was associated with fertility but no actual link was found between the two.
Regardless of the history, Valentine's Day has been an object of consumerism where a study in US showed that men spent more during this period to buy gifts for women. Flower companies, chocolate companies and other lovey dovey items profit so much from this day and it is the second most celebrated day in US after Christmas.
The culture has spread all around the world, and most people would celebrate the day as a day to remember your love ones. I still remembered when I was 5, and it was Valentines, and the teacher in school asked us to make greeting cards for our parents and I made one for my mum and dad. My mum's card had a large rose on it with a big red hear, dad's one was blue with a big red heart and I ran back home with the cards to give them to my parents. And I received one card from an anonymous admirer, but I was 5, so I can't remember exactly who it was.
The habit continues on even after I returned to Malaysia, where I would still make Valentine cards for my parents uptill highschool I stopped. I don't remember why but perhaps it was due to teenage conflict. Sometimes I wish my mum was still around, I would have made her a beautiful card and throw in some roses for her just to show how much I care about her. Alas this year I will be celebrating with my baby girl - maybe go visit my godsister and her baby who's having a birthday party tomorrow.
No romantic dinners or dates? Nope. This year I'm completely single and have been for more than 6 months now. Any guys in lieu, maybe not yet. Besides, its not like we celebrate giri-choco here, if not I'll be so broke. Well happy loving day everybody.......

Time for bed

Its late already and its time for bed. My lil baby is still awake perhaps due to the chocolate bar she had few hours ago or perhaps just because I'm not asleep yet. I've read her favourite book to her, and she has her milk, but maybe she just wants me to cuddle with her.
Cuddling, how I miss cuddling close to someone special. I can cuddle the whole night without doing anything else. But alas, I swore myself to singlehood for these next couple of months until my heart completely heals, and perhaps until my girls give the word go. Its six months since my last relationship, but I guess that relationship was over even more than 6 months. It lacked the chemistry, it lacked the drive.
Picky as I may sound, but I have good reason to be so. All this while men look at me as a sexual symbol. Even since my young teen age of 17, I already had a full front. It was distressing especially when walking alone. I have been tailed not once or twice but many a times, to a point that there was a time when I dressed up like a tom boy just to be ignored. I got married young, to a man that I believed loved me for me, but soon after I guess he was more obsessed with my body rather my mind. He couldn't compliment me at all without referring to me sexually. Was I too sexy? I honestly do not regard myself so. But apparently most men do, what do they see in me I have no idea. Its not that I'm drop dead gorgeous, I believe I have more of inner beauty than outer beauty. But to most men, I'm just sexy. Smart and sexy - but they always forget the brains part.
Despite missing any form of physical intimacy, to me its okay. I have survived a few years, what is a few more. I'm more concerned in finding the right guy, who sees the inner beauty instead, rather than the outer body. Okie perhaps the outer physique is a bonus. Basically, I need a guy who isn't shallow.
Sleepy but my heart is missing someone that I have yet to recognize. My girlfriend called because she missed her beau and while we were chatting, her beau called her. She's so lucky in that sense. Sometimes I just wish I had somebody to love. Sigh.

Its February.....

Its February, the weirdest month since it only has 28 or 29 days. How did they come up with the equation? Well it had something to do with Greek mythology and Gregory calender or something. Still its the shortest month but with a lot of events no doubt.

For instance, the 1st day of the month is Federal Territory day for Malaysia. Kuala Lumpur was first acknowledged as a federal territory state in 1974. I have 2 friends with birthdays on the same day. The first Tuesday of February is troff?(can't remember the spelling - or is it trough) tuesday. When I was growing up in Scotland, we use to make pancakes in school to celebrate. It had something to do with crops and pancakes. The 9th is Thaipusam which is a Hindu celebration. Its the day where they carry Kavadi and have parades around town and visit Batu Caves to give offerings to their gods.

A few friend birthdays, during the second week. Two sisters with birthdays on the 25th and 29th (oh wait, there's only 28 days this year). Rihanna concert on the 14th. Valentine's is on the 14th. I use to love Valentine's a lot, use to get lots of chocolates, roses and teddies. Unfortunately, I won't have anybody to celebrate Valentine's with except my baby.

When I was younger, February would be marking of spring in Norway. I love spring, because it was the time where you see new shoots come out and the weather was still cold and frosts starting to melt. The beauty of nature itself is inspiring.

Okie time to crawl out of bed.