Between love, faith and perceptions......

I believe that I am actually a simpleton despite the many complicated issues surrounding my life. My needs are simple, my wants are complicated. But hey, I'm just human aren't I. Its a nice Sunday afternoon and I actually crave to laze around on my bed, yet due to circumstances, I have chosen to work instead. Workaholic perhaps, but at least I feed my own mouth and I depend mainly on myself.

Recently I have been in contact with a lot of people with a lot of views pertaining to religion and politics. Each person had their argument to the matter, each person believed their argument was true and should be accepted as the right idea. I'm a very simple person. Everyone is free to have their own idea and perceptions depending on how they perceive it. As for matters of faith, I personally believe faith is a personal thing. It cannot be forced onto a person, it can be taught but acceptance and perception of faith will be based on each and every individual. Religion is a guideline to faith. At the end of the day, religion is to guide us to serve our one true God, acknowledge his disciples and teachings, and ensure that we become good human beings, who can live with each other on Earth with harmony. But then, I will not go on about faith lest would be regarded as a blashphemous individual. I have my own ideas and perception of faith, which I do not impose on other people, which does not run away from the accepted teachings of religion. It is how I understand how our relationship with God should be.

Speaking of relationships, I recently expressed to my family my intentions to remain single for the time being despite being 4 years alone. They were really open to the idea. My father insisted that I shouldn't remarry at all and just concentrate with my business, my studies and my girls. My sister loves the idea of me being carefree as what I am now.

Its not that I'm frustrated with men, although some believe I'm a man-hater. Its just that sometimes I feel like I'm attracting the wrong crowd of men, whom to me, is more interested in getting me to sleep with them than getting to know who I am, or caring for me. I can say that at least one different guy a week would say 'I love you' to me. Can anyone blame me for being skeptical? My usual argument would be, well you barely know me, how can you love me? Like what we say in Malaysia, 'Tak kenal maka tak cinta" which means "To not know, is to not love". I have yet to find a man interested enough to know about me that he'd go through all 129 entries I have here just to understand how my brain ticks. A simple gesture that means so much. Oh well, just have to be patient and wait till my heart reopens again.

One Malaysia and Women Rights......

Although some may believe I'm one of those people who do not give a damn about the country, because I seem to be so aloof when it comes to the matter of politics and such, I do believe in working towards getting a more ideal community. Hence, yesterday, I found myself amidst very powerful women in our society i.e. the One Malaysia Women Forum. How I got myself involved in this was a mere accident, but it was fruitful and as a person of faith, I believed that there was good reason for me to be there. Perhaps God was reminding me of my direction, where I want to be, who I want to be.

The most interesting part was during the group discussions, where I joined in the professional group of ladies. Our assignment was to answer questions regarding the forum which revolves around One Malaysia and women rights. It was a very interesting session where I got to meet with few ladies that I personally admire. What I liked most was Dato' Sharifah's (South Pole Exp) explanation on education - We not only need to educate ourselves as women, but we also need to educate men on respecting women and their rights. Thumbs up to you. Men too need to be educated on how to treat a women, and understanding what gender equality means. I was given the opportunity to explain about strengthening and implementation of women laws. The key point was educating women and the society about what are women rights and laws governing, because you would not realize that your rights have been breach if you do not understand or know about them. At the end, we listened to the First Lady's ending speech - impromtu and the take home message was really good. First was about we are all Malaysians, born, brought up and fed on the same soil, so there should not be any racial discrimination. Secondly, women should work together and not stab each others back. Thirdly, the One Malaysia concept is an easy idea to open up platforms for discussions towards a better nation. Afterwards, my friend snapped a nice picture with the First Lady and I shook her hand. Overall, I actually felt a sense of satisfaction to be given a chance to contribute to the society by participating and voicing the ideas. The only setback was the slight over-exposure of myself, which I believe is a bit premature at this stage.

There are so many ways I can contribute to the society through these sort of platforms. I am a thinker and a doer, so I know when I devise a plan, I will follow through. The only setback at the moment is the current dilemma on the funding of my clinic, which I have reduced to a minimum. Once that issue is settled, then I can focus on bigger things and helping the society. I have been frustrated by too many business men promising to help but bail out last minute. I am a professional business woman, why waste my time if you have no interest to help? One of the worst thing to give another human being is false hope. It is better to be honest and say straight front that you are not willing to help on what basis. I respect one businessman that I approached earlier who told me straight front that he is not keen to invest because it wasn't his line and he was not familiar with my nature of business. To me, there was no hard feelings because he was honest to his opinion and I have to respect that. God gives us wealth and rezeki, and once he puts in into our hands, it is up to us to use it wisely. We shouldn't be angry at people who refuse to help us in our dire moment of need because that is his right, the wealth belongs to him. It is not ours. However, if a person promises to help but then doesn't at the 11th hour, well we do have reason to be angry because he wasted our time by giving us false hope. I have come across a lot of people who promise to help out, when they themselves are incapable. There is an old Malay saying - 'Ukur baju pada badan sendiri" , which means you should measure your clothes with your own body, i.e. do not take onto yourself responsibilities that you already know you are incapable of doing. Although the lesson is bitter, but I know what God wants me to do. If I am capable to do this on my own I will, if not God will help by sending someone to help me out. Insya Allah.

Between love, lust and just pure boredom.....

I have been pretty active in my social calender for the past few weeks since I decided to be single and stop whatever weird relationships I was having in the past. Frustrated perhaps, but it was more of a move for me to open up my mind to various characters and ideas. Also to regain my dignity from being toyed by men ruthlessly. I am not a sexual object. I am a person and I have more courage than most men I meet, so I deserve to be treated with equal respect.

Most guys I go out with would definitely tell me how attractive I am to them. Yeah, so what if I'm a hot sexy Gucci mama? There are brains, a heart and a soul behind all the outer illusion. You will never get through to me if you just acknowledge the outer appearance. Nothing turns me off more than a guy who treats me like an object. Unfortunately not many women share this idea. Because of the way the men in the society treats a woman, women are readily to accept it as a norm despite it not being the right thing.

Sometimes I feel like launching a nation wide campaign on woman awareness - Treat us like ladies not sluts. Guys nowadays were not like what they use to be. They lack respect for women and they lack tact. Sometimes I wonder why they act this way, perhaps lack of thinking?

How would you feel if another man passes sexual comments about your mother or sister? How would you feel if another man tries to hug and kiss your sister without her consent. By definitions of sexual harassment - passing any comment pertaining to a person's body sexually is considered verbal sexual harassment. Any form of touching with sexual intention is considered harassment.

Recently I rain-checked a get together with one of my pet brothers because he smsed to me saying that he couldn't wait to see me who is so hot and sexy. He got a field day from me that day. He said he was just complimenting me - a lot of guys think that statements like these are compliments whereas they are not. Our teachers never taught us to compliment a lady that way. You should say that the lady is beautiful or pretty, or looks sexy in that outfit - but don't refer to the person as an object. She might take it the wrong way and think that you are just interested in getting into her pants (which definitely we know most of the time men fantasizes so, but whatever is in the mind so be it).

At the end of the day, the question remains - is a relationship made based on love, lust or just boredom? One of my ex had the courage to admit that he liked me and mainly it was lust. Despite his audacious remark, at least he was honest.

I'm upset.....

I am upset. Yes, finally I have come to admit that I really am. And why shouldn't I be? Too many things planned for more than half a year have been washed down the drain by incompetence. But that is besides the point. The fact that I am upset and its taking quite awhile to get through bothers me a lot.

Not many people can tell if I am upset or going through a hard time. I smile everyday and I look so carefree. Perhaps the only giveaway is the slimmer look but even that, most believe that I'm trying out a new diet regime for my clinic. But I know I'm upset. There are a lot of things I stopped doing, not because I can't, but I lost the lust for it. I stopped running every morning - its been 3 weeks since my last jog. I blamed the weather but I know its me. Without my usual adrenaline rush work-out, my energy level for the day dwindles. I barely do my routine 60 sit ups and my balancing exercises that keeps my body well-toned. I take day time naps which is unusual for me, and I barely sleep through the night without disturbance. The longest sleep period would be 6 hours (if I manage to get it that is). I barely eat. Its not that I'm not hungry, but I don't crave anything like I normally do. Usually I'm the one with the weird ideas of food delicacies and nowadays I hear myself saying whatever because I doubt I'd eat much. I lost another kilo this week unintentionally. And then I start going on a coffee binge. People seriously believe its because I'm addicted to coffee, partly yes and partly no. I know I'm not pregnant, because usually if I overdose myself with coffee its one of 2 things pregnancy or stress. Luckily I still enjoy the company of my angels, although too much of them gives me a headache.

I spend most of my time in my office. Doing research and writing up proposals. I know I'm upset because there is no drive to complete the blimey proposals which usually would take me 2 days the most. The sweet sound of the live band playing gives a soothing inspiration. Even writing on my blog seems a hard task, when writing is like a second nature to me. 3 weeks of low mood, if Stephen finds out he'll be suggesting another course of sweets to me and that to me is definitely a No No.

I have the whole world in front of me. There are many doors of opportunities that is within my reach. Really have to snap out of it. Too many people depend on me, because I am a rainmaker and if the rainmaker stops making rain? Maybe what I need is a shoulder to cry on - perhaps just someone to let it all out. Unfortunately most people I know will not have the capability of understanding what goes through my head, let alone cope with the emotional outburst that might happen. A lot of people believe I am superwoman - a single mum, a doctor, a business woman, a socialite, a strategist, a planner - but they forget, beneath it all I am just human.

Dear God, make me snap out of this fast. I need all parts of my brain and my heart to make what I plan to do work. Amen.

Change..........

Its March and we celebrate the first signs of Spring.... despite living in a two climate country, the four seasons still affects a lot of aspects of my life. Although Malaysia is sunny and rain year round, I can feel the first bloom of flowers which to me is a sign for change and new things to come.....

Yes, I have changed. I do admit. These past 6 months have been one of the most heartbreaking experience of my life, which luckily I have survived through and thus definitely will make me more prepared for the future promised to me by the Creator. Like I always say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. God tests the best of us, I believe that with all my heart. Whatever difficulties that I can overcome I will, those that I have trouble with, God will help definitely. This is my faith, though some may think I'm too optimistic, its okay. Beliefs and faith are an individual's own perception.

I have somewhat rather disappeared from the social scene. Its not that I do not appreciate the many people I know, but sometimes you need time to just step back and evaluate your life and the people around you. And maybe that is just what I am doing now. Too many heart breaking truths that emerged recently has caused me to thread more carefully than before. But it doesn't mean that I don't enjoy myself, nor did that crazy hyper active bubbly coffee addicted superwoman changed into some quiet sleeping beauty. I'm still me, just a little bit more careful.

I've also decided to concentrate on my business and make it work. A friend told me that I can achieve whatever I want in 10 months or 10 years depending on myself - how focused am I to reach my goal? I am definitely focused now. I have decided to put all my relationships on hold and concentrate on getting my business up and running. It is actually wonderful to be single. I can do whatever I please, go out with whoever I want and go wherever I want, whenever I want. What else do I want?

Yeah, perhaps I miss having a guy to hold me and cuddle me.. there are a lot of part timers who would willingly hold and cuddle me if I wanted to - but I find that the most reassuring hug and cuddles are from my baby Nabilah... who is not a baby anymore - she's a preschooler now. Everyday we make it a point to cuddle up for at least half an hour be it in bed or in front of the telly. Not only it is good mummy and daughter bonding, it is highly destressing for the both of us. For this I am so fortunate.

Oh well... its been an interesting day... an interesting weekend... praying for better things to come tomorrow. Oh.. tomorrow I'll be attending a Dayang Norfaizah concert.. sorry girls.. already have a date.. :)