In the many events that have happened in my life, I guess the most recent has sort of altered my inner feelings to the extreme to the point indescribable. I don't like this, I don't like it when my feelings become numb and just absent. It reminded me to an era when I didn't care about anything, and it was frightening indeed. Because I didn't even care for my own safety.
Perhaps that is why now I tend to work harder and harder, to the point of exhaustion. Its a vicious cycle. I'm stressed, but because of it I work non-stop, but because of the non-stop work I feel even more stressed. Its a vicious cycle. And perhaps at this very moment is where I need a strong friend's hand to hold on to me, and guide me through the internal abyss that my feelings have created. But looking around, I fear I may not have that strong friend to guide me.... and sometimes I fear I may succumb to my own feelings of doom. The only thing holding me now is the faith that God will always look after me, and aid me through all the challenges that lie ahead. But I guess the road is a lonely one, for me.... perhaps there is another lesson to learn here, besides patience.... Oh, when will all this charade be put to a rest. I told God, I wanted to retire at 35. Just want to lead a simple life, be a home maker and be there for my children. And when I get bored, I would like to travel and write, and perhaps do some research and get it published, do my PhD in some weird science branch, and see my kids grow old.
I guess everybody wishes for a fairy tale ending, I completely do. Maybe if I focus the law of attraction, I would get the guy of my dreams, the family I want, and the retirement I was looking for, in all God's grace and finally be at peace with myself. Amen.
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