Writer's bloc.....

Its another day and again I am having another writer's bloc. Its too many times already, believe me, I would need to find a permanent solution for this. But what? Venting my frustrations, perhaps I should engage in more physical activities, say martial arts or dancing.

I need motivation, I need inspiration.... I need the mood to write.
Argh.. this is highly frustrating believe me.
Maybe what I truly need is love. Alas, my hearts locked up. I sent it on a cloud and asked the wind to blow it away and hopefully it will find itself in better hands than before.

But that won't solve my problem now. Well hopefully I get off this writer's bloc mood.

Friends can really cause a havoc...

Recently there was a lot of hoo haa in my circle of friends due to overactive gossiping that was quite unecessary and pretty damaging. Shamefully, I was part of the circle, so in a way, I do share some of the blame. But gossip being gossip, eventhough you have put it behind you, there is bound to have someone who will relight the story and cause another mess with other circles. And still, despite you are not involved in the recent circulation, you will still remain involved because you were involved in the beginning.

But being a gentlelady, I painfully swallow every critic or harsh remark given to me by my peers, any reminders and scolding or what so ever. I learnt long time ago that whenever any conflict or problem arise, you should point the first finger to yourself, for if it involves you then there must be something that you could have done or should have not done to avoid it. Sometimes its best to just keep quiet and let everything pass. We are after all human. Still, I feel the emotional chasm inside of me, the sad reality that I have no one to confide to, or soothen my fears. But do I really need anyone? Since of late, I just hold my head up high and say its okay, God will guide me through.

My mentor said to me, if its a woman it will always be a woman. In a way, I completely agree. Although he did include me in the saying, but he is right. And I won't deny it. It may be the incompetence on my part, but I promised to him that I will completely improved, and I'm just praying that he will take my word for it. As I always remind myself, things happen for a reason. Perhaps this is God's lesson to me to make me see my weakness, and make me improve myself. Despite being surrounded by male colleagues, I am ascertain to maintain my uniqueness as a woman, minus the incompetent behaviours. It will take a lot of work, in order for me to regain my mentors trust. I'm just praying I am up to it.

The challenges of being a single mother, a female business partner to male counterparts who are well established, a managing director of two businesses of completely different spectrums, a best friend and confidante, and a young lady still praying for a soulmate is not easily comprehend by the majority of people. Despite the mask of a rich spoil brat that still lingers around me, my eyes are telling a completely different story. I wish I can mask my eyes, because there are times when I look into them I feel like crying. Or maybe I` should just get those Gucci shades I've been dying for. I am after all a woman. When in extreme stress, retail therapy does wonders.

Whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger....

In the past 1 month, too many things have been happening simultaneously. My friends asks me how I could cope with all the hoo-haa happening, from being stalked by my ex, my maid running off, one of my kid kidnapped by my ex at school, and venturing into a new business at almost the same time. Yeah, I do admit, at times I feel like I need to duplicate myself, but having a couple of dopplegangers is not a solution.
Now its just me and mty little girl. I have noticed a mark improvement in her vocabulary and she's started to toilet train herself, which is good. The only thing is that she is too picky about food to the extent, that I feel like its best I just cook for her everyday and see what she likes rather than eat out. Oh yes, I do have the luxury of doing that despite being ever so busy. The best thing about being self-employed is that your time is highly flexible that you can afford to bend here and there to suit your need at that time. Sometimes she follows me to work, at times I send her to join a play group. Family has been very supportive now and since last year, I have made peace with my step mum, she even offers to babysit my darling whenever she is free. My brother and his wife are darlings, and they would help whenever they are in town. In a way, just handling one child has proven to be a lot easier. Plus the fact I completely do not need a maid anymore. I'm still able to clean up my house and sort my laundry. I just need somewhere to put my girl while I work, and now I do consider starting play school for her because she is so smart. I'm teaching her numbers and alphabets, and nursery rhymes. She appears to be catching up real good.
Business wise its a bit slow because of the recession, but hopefully surviving. The clinic is getting more and more popular and we have designed a lot of new treatments that promises good results. But I know there are too many things for me to learn, and for now I'm focusing on injectable techniques. I just need a little boost of confidence then I'll be okay. The kopitiam is doing okay despite the 101 repairs that we needed to do. Plus all the other liabilities which we will happily deduct from the previous owner. The new menu layout is out and I'm just finalizing the menu content and prices. Renovation works, etc etc...... and plus a lot of lip service because we are still waiting for the financing promised to us. Yeah... its not easy.
As always, I place my fate with God. Be it kids, work, business, or even mate, I know I just have to be patient and the best will come to me.

It has been a terrible few weeks of emotional instability and agony. I guess I was in deep shit before, but now I'm just looking at the bright side of life. I mean, things happen for a reason don't they? That is what I believe, such as what Sir Isaac Newton said, for every action, there is an equal opposite reaction. Theory of momentum if I am not mistaken, I left physics ages ago.
I remembered learning something in religious class about accepting things as they occur and for everything that happens, happens for reasons that only God will know. It brings back to the story of Prophet Moses after a conversation with God, was asked to spend time with one of his prophets - Haidir if I'm not mistaken the name (okay memory a bit rusty). The other prophet told Musa that if he wants to follow him, he must not question whatever he does. I read this from an old text in jawi, i think there were a few versions of this story. Well anyways, the prophet went to a town and saw a small boat and he made a hole in the boat when he knew that it was a poor fisherman's boat that he needed to use to catch fish, then he went to another village where there was a small boy and he killed the boy. In another village, he helped a few disbelievers erect a god statue. Of all three times Moses lost his patience and questioned the other prophet until the third instance, the prophet told him that they had to part their ways because Moses had breeched their agreement, and he explained his actions to Moses - based on what God told him to do and what would happen and only then Moses understood. The story of the boat was that by making a hole in the boat, the fisherman could not got to sea that day and there was a great storm and he would have died and left a widow with many kids starving instead if he did go. The little boy was killed because when he grew up he would become a very cruel man, and the statue of the 'god' was erected because beneath it was hidden some fortune for some orphans who will discover them later once the disbelievers have gone. If not the disbelievers would have found the fortune and the orphans would have had none. So I guess the story wanted to demonstrate that God works in mystical ways.
So when things get tough, I start thinking about the story and wonder what is God intending for me. I believe that everyone you meet and know, you meet and know for a reason, I mean that is the purpose of all interaction. If you gain nothing from interaction with people or your surrounding, might as well we all live isolated on every planet God has in the universe. You will learn nothing and gain nothing.
My emotional agony is great, but I'm learning to be content with what I have. A friend told me that sometimes bad things happen because God wants us to be closer to him. I believe the same, I believe that we are just like children, despite how old we are, and God teaches us through life's experiences, and we just need to be patient and understand what lesson that God is trying to teach us, then only will we reach success and happiness eternally.
Despite whatever that is happening or has happened, I'm extremely grateful that I still have my health, my brains and my family & friends to help me pull through. Although life is extremely lonely at times but perhaps its not the right moment. For now I need to concentrate on closing that previous chapter in life, then only can I start a new one. Praying God give me all the strength, the patience and the knowledge to do so. Amen.

My heart is hurting but I don't feel it....

In the many events that have happened in my life, I guess the most recent has sort of altered my inner feelings to the extreme to the point indescribable. I don't like this, I don't like it when my feelings become numb and just absent. It reminded me to an era when I didn't care about anything, and it was frightening indeed. Because I didn't even care for my own safety.
Perhaps that is why now I tend to work harder and harder, to the point of exhaustion. Its a vicious cycle. I'm stressed, but because of it I work non-stop, but because of the non-stop work I feel even more stressed. Its a vicious cycle. And perhaps at this very moment is where I need a strong friend's hand to hold on to me, and guide me through the internal abyss that my feelings have created. But looking around, I fear I may not have that strong friend to guide me.... and sometimes I fear I may succumb to my own feelings of doom. The only thing holding me now is the faith that God will always look after me, and aid me through all the challenges that lie ahead. But I guess the road is a lonely one, for me.... perhaps there is another lesson to learn here, besides patience.... Oh, when will all this charade be put to a rest. I told God, I wanted to retire at 35. Just want to lead a simple life, be a home maker and be there for my children. And when I get bored, I would like to travel and write, and perhaps do some research and get it published, do my PhD in some weird science branch, and see my kids grow old.
I guess everybody wishes for a fairy tale ending, I completely do. Maybe if I focus the law of attraction, I would get the guy of my dreams, the family I want, and the retirement I was looking for, in all God's grace and finally be at peace with myself. Amen.