In the middle of the night.....

Sometimes the only time you have for yourself is in the middle of the night. Yes, it may be crazy to stay up late just for that moment but when you have two kids like I do, well you would start to savour any moment of me time you can get even though it is in the middle of the night. This is my me time, usually the time I have the most inspiration to write about things that troubles my head or heart.
It is almost a new year, it is already a new year in Islamic calender. A lot has passed in the past one year, and I guess I have changed dramatically. But perhaps it is just the outer me that has changed, the inner me still remains the same, God's curious child who looks at the world as a medium to explore the fullest potential.
Recently I attended a wedding of one of my old friends. I've known her since we were 18. But during her wedding, it strucked me as how much I didn't know about her. And I regard myself as a friend, well honestly, I myself felt embarassed. Yes I knew her and her fiance, I knew her mum - but other than that I was completely clueless about the other people in her life. In that short ceremony that I attended, I questioned myself over and over again, as to how could I be completely ignorant of my old friend that I have known for the past 10 years. To my friend, I compeltely apologize, I guess I haven't really been there for you all these years, but hopefully you'll let me be there for you for the years to come - deal?
After the wedding, I dropped by my clinic fo awhile. Its more of a habit rather than anything. I'm just so attached to my new baby. After the short clinic trip, I went home and took everyone in my house to visit my brother over the long weekend. Yes, it was a wonderful weekend, I must say I had tremendous fun. I guess when you put aside worries, woes and complaints, there is nothing left except pure happiness. What is there to complain about when you have good food, good company and exciting activities to do like sitting in front of a waterfall and feeling your butt go numb due to the rapids. All thanks to my brother and his wife, God bless them for welcoming us to their home. It was just a matter of instincts to drive all the way there, I only decided on the Saturday.
God certainly gives us love in many ways. In the absence of a soul mate, I find fulfillment in spending time with my kids and family and at one point, I couldn't care less if I did have a partner. I was already happy, thus another man in my life was not a necessity. Especially not in the current moment when the chapter with the old one has yet to be closed. Still I do believe God will give me someone in time, because I have dreamt of my baby boy with his bald head and pink skin. Its funny but I always dream of my babies few years before I conceive them. It was true for Aina as well as Nabilah. However, for the time being, I'm learning to love God as much as God loves me, so whoever wants my heart would have to ask it from God first. As for keeping myself out of boredom, I've devoted these next 3 years to my businesses and my babies. Maybe the 30s era would bring new light to whatever my destiny in life is suppose to be.

Another day another week

I haven't been writing on my blog, partly because I was physically busy, but mainly because I was emotionally hurt and upset. Like most writers, I have to be in a quite good mood to write good things, otherwise my writings would be melancholius and disturbing.
The past week has been extremely depressing. First of all, my ex-husband failed to send my kids on the appropriate day because his grandfather was ill, so he took them over the weekend. Why I made such a fuss was because I freed this weekend to spend with my girls because I know I have a hectic schedule. so now I have to readjust the weekends and the last weekend of school I've arranged to go to Melaka to send my sister back, and thus makes it even more depressing to change weeks, plus the fact the kids are starting school in January, which wasn't really helping. Now I am in a dilemma on how to organize my time in order to fit all the required needs.
On top of that, my bestfriend and her boyfriend broke up. Both were very close to me, so it makes me sit on a very awkward position. She chose the other guy, which is an asshole no doubt, but she's made her choice so I just put a sock in it. After all, it is her life. But unfortunately she is suffering. And the jerk guy she chose, treats her like rubbish. Shouting and screaming at her everyday, controlling her every move. What I don't understand, why can't she treat her nicely. If you have so much vengeance towards her then by all means just let her go. At least God will be more merciful towards you and send you someone else for you to love. Since I'm close to the other boyfriend, this jerk guy doesn't allow me to go out or even talk to my bestfriend. And after that one particular night of histeria, I guess I'm not in the mood to contact my bestfriend either. I guess a guy makes so much difference in friendship. Hmm....
And in all this madness, Hurairah fell sick. So I had to take her to the vet. She needed admission, but luckily it wasn't cat flu. Now its time to catch Nyot before he fals sick also.

Its almost the end of the year...

It is almost the end of the year and I'm still as busy as hell. Well, I sometimes believe that I keep myself busy because I just want to forget the void of loneliness that surrounds my unfortunate soul. I guess I haven't reached that state of nirwana, where you won't ever feel alone because you understand and feel the presence of God. But I'm just human, even Adam wished for Eve despite sitting in heaven, what else myself, an insignificant servant who dwells earth which is the between heaven and hell. Yeah, I guess reality bites.
So many things occurred in the past few weeks that I should have written about, except I was to absorbed with my current new job and company. There was a bad landslide at Bukit Antarabangsa, which conveniently my ABIM friends forgot to call me to come and help. I heard that some residents were stranded up there for a few days, but then the commotion about the government should pay compensation, but then again they are living on private land, so it becomes an issue. Then the Eastern states have started the yearly flood problem, especially in Terengganu. Although I was suppose to go but I had to pull out last minute due to a sudden resignation by my staff (okay I resigned her I admit) which caused me to have to sit in the clinic during a Saturday (plus I had a laser that day).
On top of all this, my new company expansion into the food business is also draining my mental energy as I have to come up with a business proposal for the new place, which was also due to my stubborness of wanting the place for my own. But I saw great potential in the shop, and I'm not a lady that would turn down good opportunities easy. Yes, my stressful workaholic life. Its actually a blessing that my kids go off for a week, but in a way, I miss them so much that I barely want to do anything more.
Which comes back to the issue of being alone and lonely. Its not that I do not want any relationship at the current moment but I guess I'm married to my business since its the one thing that hopefully will not hurt me. But then again, many a times I find myself in need of a sparring partner (no, not in bed) i.e. to sparr ideas with me because i have so many, it helps me focus better and refute ridiculous ones. And it is best done with the opposite sex, because the mechanics of a male brain compared to a female brain is completely different and I would love to see things on both sides of the equation in order to make the best decision or create the best idea or outcome.
In order to have that, I would need to find a guy that matches my intellectual capacity, which by the day makes me feel like its more like a curse rather than a gift, or perhaps because I'm not looking in the right place. Honestly difficult to find a man who is not more than 10 years older than me, who can tell me simply that I am wrong and explain the right thing to me, or say that I do not know. I'm not saying that I know everything, its just that I know more things than an average girl of my age.
Okay, enough of blabbering. I guess I can't write straight because I'm not inspired. I'm not inspired because I'm out of love, and thus makes me lonely, and libras are worst when they feel lonely because they are highly sociable people. So perhaps this vicious cycle would not end until I find peace with myself, or find the right guy.
In any case its almost 1 am and I need my beauty sleep. Good nite.

Lazy day....

Its Sunday and finally a day that I can rest at home. The weather looked gloomy and I guess it dampens my mood to do anything. Perhaps I've just been too tired in the past few days. It could explain the lethargy and sleepiness.
Feel like going back to bed..... okie would continue this entry later.