Its October again... October 1th to be exact. My late mother's birthday. Sometimes I wish she was still alive, then perhaps my life will be less the drama. But Allah always knows whats best, so perhaps my mum dying young was the best for all of us. Life would have been different yes.
Every October, I will start to evaluate my life and see how I have grown from the year before. You can only improve yourself if you are able to see your own flaws. As the years pass by, I find that I appreciate life more.
So what has changed and what has not?
In terms of my business and career, I think I have really improved so much from the year before. I am more confident with my clinical skills in medical aesthetics, I am more confident in my knowledge and treatments, and I am more relaxed when handling patients and complications. In terms of business, I think I have become a better negotiator, and is more careful handling my cashflow and stuffs. I have managed to slowly settle off debts that accumulated before, and I am slowly regaining my sales performance. Maybe my only flaw now is an over hectic schedule and need to train my staff better and time for me to organize my things. I also need to learn to delegate tasks to other people better so that I have more time, and should only focus on activities that benefit the business.
In terms of family, my girls love me more, and I spend more quality time with them if not physical time. They are starting to understand what transpired between me and their dad, and the need for me to focus on business and that I am always here to listen to them. Nabilah has grown into the most loving, cutest little girl. Aina is turning into a young lady, but perhaps she needs a little bit more of confidence boost, hence the need for her to live with me from now onwards. I wonder whether the father will have a big enough heart to put her needs before his. To go to court again is tedious and may just affirm my belief that the Syariah Family Court system is a Circus Court. In US, I would be able to sue the court for psychological trauma of girls for prolonging my custody fight over 2 years, but this is Malaysia - a place where every state has a different syariah court jurisdiction. As for my sisters, I pray we keep this good relationship till we grow old.
In terms of personality, I find myself a lot calmer and more patient with situations. I don't hold grudges. I forgive easily although I don't forget, and I can simply ignore people who claim I am their friend but does not respect my life as a real friend should. I don't get distressed over so-called friends who berate me over my lack of enthusiasm to be in touch with them. I'm sorry, you were just wasting my time before, why should I bother give you any of my time now? I concentrate on the people who appreciate my friendship and I find that my life is much more happier then stressing over nonsense. I think this is the biggest change inme. In the past I worried so much about pleasing otehrs that sometimes I exhaust myself too much. Now, I couldn't care less unless they really care about me. And I know I have a lot of friends who care and love about me, and accept me the way I am. Besides, it only makes sense that if they are your true friends they will definitely know how you really are.
In terms of love. Hmm.. the tricky part. I admit, I am in love with a man. But maybe I put my love for this man more than my love to my God, when I have promised my God that He is my first lover and so God made him disappear. Initially it was such a painful experience because I was left with a huge question mark. But now I think I have come to terms with it. God showed him to me and made me love him. If he is my companion in this world and the next, then God will bring him back. If he is not, then I will have to accept it willingly, because God knows what is best for me, and I have never doubted that. If there is a better person, he will come at the right time. No need for me to stress about it. Although some would argue with me and say that I may get lonely or I should go get another boyfriend. I am not looking for a boyfriend, I want a life companion to serve God in all his grace together. If the guy is just looking for a girl to pass his time, I am not she. I am too busy with other aspects of my life to waste my time on a person who does not understand lifelong companionship for God. If there are none in this world, so be it - I will find him later in my afterlife.
It has been a good year, and I pray it continue to get better. Despite a lot of tragedies in between, everything happens for a reason, and thus it is my duty to learn from each incident to become a better person. Life is too short to be unhappy, I choose to be happy.
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