Today I think I had the worst migraine in the past few months. Despite going through my teens with excruciating pain since the beginning of puberty, I have long evolved from the persistent pill popping teenager to a more natural approach of aromatherapy and relaxation techniques to control pain.
Yet today being of all days, I ended getting a massive attack in the middle of a public area. Luckily I recognized my tipsiness and quickly reached for some aromatherapy oil in my bag if not I think I may have fainted there and then there would be a scene. I must have gone all white, partly because of the sudden pang of pain over my left hemisphere, partly because of the nauseous feeling from my inner gut. Quickly made my way to the ladies where I vomited twice. Stupid ass toilet had bidets inserted except hoses. Nothing much came out except water.
I was accompanying a friend of mine to the property expo whilst doing some of my own research. Yeah, I guess she must have worried, especially since I had a long history of migraine while in school.
The journey home wasn't as pleasant, I got stuck in an hour jam back to Starhill where I had one patient waiting. After that the drive home was quite a task because I was starting to feel numb on one side. Yes I know the description sounds like a transient ischaemic attack, but I can assure you I do not have a high blood pressure to begin with.
Honestly if you ask me how I felt, it was as if half my body refused to respond. It felt numb. Even to my fingers. I drove with one hand, one foot (lucky it was an automatic care) and blurred vision of perhaps a power of 12/6 instead of my usual 4/6.
Of all the while, there was intervals of pain over the left hemisphere of my head all the way down to my nape. It felt like someone was squeezing one part of my brain. My mouth felt heavy, I kept quiet and I had to switch the radio off because my left ear was hurting.
I reached home in one piece, mumbled something to my maid, went upstairs and immediately went up to my room and sat in the darkness. My baby girl was upset I only kissed her and then went up - luckily managed to persuade her to wait for her sister to come. Sitting in the dark soothed part of the photophobia I was having, but I also felt like Alice in Wonderland with the flashes of lightning in my head. Was it painful, definitely, subconsciously I gripped my hand hard until I left marks on it. Trying my best to relax, I managed to lull myself to sleep because I was already so so exhausted.
Usually I would sleep directly 10-12 hours depending on how severe the attack was and wake up as hungry as a caveman. Unfortunately, with two kids about, it was short lived to only an hour 28 minutes.Forcing myself out of bed to attend to the two screaming brats, I felt like my left side was hit by a car or something. Every muscle on the left side ached. My head still throbbed but not as bad.
I got up, took a cold shower and downed down as much cold water I could because I just felt so thirsty. After feeding the two angels, I finally unwind to sleep, the little one still awake singing to me. I'm just praying that by the time I wake up tomorrow the pain is gone. It would be quite unfair for my kids if I slept most of the time. Well let's how tomorrow goes.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Me, myself and I......
Its has been awhile since I really wrote anything on my blog. Despite whatever, I doubt anyone would really miss I rantings. Who would be interested in a psychodelic chic's inner thoughts that are sometimes highly depressing if not a little too elated.
But writing has always been my passion since a very young age. Almost 4 as I recalled. I was excited to learn how to read as my two elder siblings already started school. I read an average of 16 books a week that made me really wanted to be a writer. My school in Scotland encouraged us to write by asking us to keep journals and write in it every 2-3 days, slowly allowing us to express our likes and dislikes, our views and fears. It was the most significant part of learning that I remembered because writing always gave me that thrill, and being called up by Mrs Brown to share your story with the whole class was double the excitement. Those were the days, definitely. How I wish I could give my kids the sort of education I was exposed to before or better.
But that was not the real reason why I'm writing this entry today. I am writing this today to remind myself of who I am. To tell myself, hey girl, why the fake smile? It should be real. Enough on unhappiness, enough of mourning and enough of buying black shirts and sitting alone in the dark. And most importantly, enough of relying on other people to make me happy. I control my own destiny, I decide what will affect me and what will not.
Great people are people who are not afraid to face anything and who are willing to accept change. I want to be a great person myself. I pray to God day and night to give me patience to go through whatever he has planned for me.
So from today onwards, I refuse to succumb to any unhappiness feeling I have inside. I will use my overactive brain to think of a creative channel to get rid of any unhappy feelings. I need to buy myself a new mirror since the old one broke one night because every morning I will tell myself what a superb person I am and that God loves me and I love me.
Perhaps I should consider starting my mini-M project that I planned before..
But writing has always been my passion since a very young age. Almost 4 as I recalled. I was excited to learn how to read as my two elder siblings already started school. I read an average of 16 books a week that made me really wanted to be a writer. My school in Scotland encouraged us to write by asking us to keep journals and write in it every 2-3 days, slowly allowing us to express our likes and dislikes, our views and fears. It was the most significant part of learning that I remembered because writing always gave me that thrill, and being called up by Mrs Brown to share your story with the whole class was double the excitement. Those were the days, definitely. How I wish I could give my kids the sort of education I was exposed to before or better.
But that was not the real reason why I'm writing this entry today. I am writing this today to remind myself of who I am. To tell myself, hey girl, why the fake smile? It should be real. Enough on unhappiness, enough of mourning and enough of buying black shirts and sitting alone in the dark. And most importantly, enough of relying on other people to make me happy. I control my own destiny, I decide what will affect me and what will not.
Great people are people who are not afraid to face anything and who are willing to accept change. I want to be a great person myself. I pray to God day and night to give me patience to go through whatever he has planned for me.
So from today onwards, I refuse to succumb to any unhappiness feeling I have inside. I will use my overactive brain to think of a creative channel to get rid of any unhappy feelings. I need to buy myself a new mirror since the old one broke one night because every morning I will tell myself what a superb person I am and that God loves me and I love me.
Perhaps I should consider starting my mini-M project that I planned before..
Saturday, July 18, 2009
A glimpse of the future....
I am a pure believer that everyone God makes us meet has a significant role in our lives. Be it small or big, be it just as a medium to get to know other people. Everybody we meet will influence some aspect of our lives.
So last weekend I met the most extra ordinary woman. Beautiful, intelligent, powerful, and definitely unique with her own style. Living in LA, we actually have so much in common, except I was a generation junior than she was. But despite her chronological age, people would think we were almost the same age by the way she looked, the way she took care of herself. She had similar ideas that I had, and the wavelength of our thoughts were comparable. It was looking at myself in 10 years to come. In a way it was really scary but enlightening.
I had been really down for the past couple of weeks. There were just a lot of things going about, and I guess I just needed a friend to talk to and distract my overly stressed up head. But funny all my current friends were either too busy, out of town or perhaps just avoiding me. Its okay, I told myself. And perhaps that is why God sent me my new friend to cheer me up and to make me believe that my future would be a bright one if I believed and kept confident with whatever I did.
I feel really sad that she had to go, I felt that there was a lot that I could learn from her, as she seem to understand the inner dilemmas of life that I had. But I knew that it wouldn't work that way. At least there is someone out there just like me. Just wondering when I'll meet the someone just for me.
So last weekend I met the most extra ordinary woman. Beautiful, intelligent, powerful, and definitely unique with her own style. Living in LA, we actually have so much in common, except I was a generation junior than she was. But despite her chronological age, people would think we were almost the same age by the way she looked, the way she took care of herself. She had similar ideas that I had, and the wavelength of our thoughts were comparable. It was looking at myself in 10 years to come. In a way it was really scary but enlightening.
I had been really down for the past couple of weeks. There were just a lot of things going about, and I guess I just needed a friend to talk to and distract my overly stressed up head. But funny all my current friends were either too busy, out of town or perhaps just avoiding me. Its okay, I told myself. And perhaps that is why God sent me my new friend to cheer me up and to make me believe that my future would be a bright one if I believed and kept confident with whatever I did.
I feel really sad that she had to go, I felt that there was a lot that I could learn from her, as she seem to understand the inner dilemmas of life that I had. But I knew that it wouldn't work that way. At least there is someone out there just like me. Just wondering when I'll meet the someone just for me.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I am happy single.... so don't push it..
It has been a stressful and hectic 2 months. Things are not all rosy in the corporate world that I have started to indulge in. Maybe the toll of trying to solve too many things have taken onto my mood and happiness of late. Unfortunately, I don't really have anyone that I can just vent out all my frustrations and would not judge me and just understand. Everyone tend to judge whatever I do, perhaps because I couldn't really explain in too detail the things going about, and perhaps also for them to comprehend what I'm going through is not easy. I have accepted it at that, thus I keep to myself concerning my work and try my best to solve whatever turmoil I am having step by step. I am starting to see some light to my massive problem and they maybe yet a fairy tale ending to all this.
But what is upsetting me is not really about work. Few days ago, I had a friendly call from my neighbour asking me how I was and then started asking me about whether I had any boyfriends and when I am planning to remarry. She was concerned that I was single and told me it wasn't healthy to be single for a long time as I may end up depressed like a few of her cousins. Okay, I swallowed it as that. Then I received a call from my sister and she was berating me on why I bother looking for a Malay soulmate, go find a nice decent Caucasian and that I should get myself a boyfriend ASAP.
Yes, I do admit sometimes I do feel lonely since I have spent almost 10 years in a steady relationship but the 10 years has also taught me an important lesson which is its not about having somebody but its more of having 'the' somebody that will love and treat you fairly that you are comfortable with and who will protect you, your faith and your family. It took me almost 30 years to realize what type of man would suit me, perhaps I have found some men who fit the certain criterias that I need, but I'm not going to jump into relationship just because my neighbour, my friends or my family is worried that I'll be single and depressed. I'm far from depressed. I'm actually happy with my life except for the minor glitch at work.
And besides I cannot commit to any man now, not when my baby girl is just learning to speak properly. Not when my ex is remarrying and my kids need me for emotional support, not when my company is still unstable, not when I have still have a long way to go to settle my liabilities and not when I'm still learning to enjoy my single life. I would estimate another year or two before I would be ready enough to focus on another man, to be fair to him and make the marriage work.
Because to me, getting myself involved in a serious relationship would require a lot of lifestyle changes. After all, I would be married to the family as well not just the guy. I would need to allocate time for him and his family, on top of my own time for myself and my family, and my job. It would be possible once I've gone through all the hurdles I need to now. I would need to adapt to living with a man again, and everyone being their own island, would definitely need time getting use to.
Therefore, I can't just settle down with any man. The guy would be someone who really loves me and willing to understand my complicated life and willing to allow me to settle it one by one. Someone who can love my children so that if anything ever happened to me, they would still be taken cared for. Someone who has his own thing going, so that he won't be too bothered with me being busy as I am, as long as we make time for each other. Someone who will guide me closer to God, because at the end of the day, all things in the world are material, and we will die and meet our Creator hopefully in the best form.
So, its not that simple. Its not just about getting a guy to get laid and settle down. So don't push it. I will know when I'm ready and when I've found the right guy. Besides, God will guide me definitely.
But what is upsetting me is not really about work. Few days ago, I had a friendly call from my neighbour asking me how I was and then started asking me about whether I had any boyfriends and when I am planning to remarry. She was concerned that I was single and told me it wasn't healthy to be single for a long time as I may end up depressed like a few of her cousins. Okay, I swallowed it as that. Then I received a call from my sister and she was berating me on why I bother looking for a Malay soulmate, go find a nice decent Caucasian and that I should get myself a boyfriend ASAP.
Yes, I do admit sometimes I do feel lonely since I have spent almost 10 years in a steady relationship but the 10 years has also taught me an important lesson which is its not about having somebody but its more of having 'the' somebody that will love and treat you fairly that you are comfortable with and who will protect you, your faith and your family. It took me almost 30 years to realize what type of man would suit me, perhaps I have found some men who fit the certain criterias that I need, but I'm not going to jump into relationship just because my neighbour, my friends or my family is worried that I'll be single and depressed. I'm far from depressed. I'm actually happy with my life except for the minor glitch at work.
And besides I cannot commit to any man now, not when my baby girl is just learning to speak properly. Not when my ex is remarrying and my kids need me for emotional support, not when my company is still unstable, not when I have still have a long way to go to settle my liabilities and not when I'm still learning to enjoy my single life. I would estimate another year or two before I would be ready enough to focus on another man, to be fair to him and make the marriage work.
Because to me, getting myself involved in a serious relationship would require a lot of lifestyle changes. After all, I would be married to the family as well not just the guy. I would need to allocate time for him and his family, on top of my own time for myself and my family, and my job. It would be possible once I've gone through all the hurdles I need to now. I would need to adapt to living with a man again, and everyone being their own island, would definitely need time getting use to.
Therefore, I can't just settle down with any man. The guy would be someone who really loves me and willing to understand my complicated life and willing to allow me to settle it one by one. Someone who can love my children so that if anything ever happened to me, they would still be taken cared for. Someone who has his own thing going, so that he won't be too bothered with me being busy as I am, as long as we make time for each other. Someone who will guide me closer to God, because at the end of the day, all things in the world are material, and we will die and meet our Creator hopefully in the best form.
So, its not that simple. Its not just about getting a guy to get laid and settle down. So don't push it. I will know when I'm ready and when I've found the right guy. Besides, God will guide me definitely.
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