Its been a hectic few months. My life is drama, it has always been, it may always be. From issues in the Company, to my social life, my neighbourhood, my family and even my love life. Sometimes I imagine a camera shooting the events that occur in my 24 hours. Even my dreams are like segments taken of from a drama scene.
Regardless, I love my life and the process of going through it. I have all faith that no matter what comes before me, God will always protect me and help me get through. Its the very essence of the Universe. Life has already been set for us, but we are still given the choice to decide which ending we want - just like those gamebooks I use to read when I was younger. Except for the choices we have are more bountiful compared to a left turn. Some choices bring joy, others bring tears. But everything that happens occurs for the best.
The most recent choice that I had to make was decide on my love life. Everything else was falling into place except for that single aspect. It is difficult to determine the outcome for relationships because there are 2 equal major variables that influences the outcome. I have exhausted my side trying to make it work and perhaps this is for the better. We both need time. I know it, God knows it. And perhaps having to let go of the love of my life for this moment in time although painful is perhaps the wisest thing to do at this point.
I know that my friends or people looking at us would never understand what I see in this particular person. The fact that I kept the relationship a secret from everyone for the first 3-5 months baffles even my dearest friends. We had our reasons. But purposely ignoring me for a whole month is perhaps a bit too overboard. Whatever I did that may have offended this person, does not warrant such a treatment. So after pondering it for days, I've decided the issue is with him and not me, and I will no longer wonder why. God knows what's best.
I keep having the same dream, over and over again. We are together and he hugs me tight, but tells me that he can't stay long and he has to go. It is so vivid that it almost feels so real. He doesn't say that he loves me, but I can feel his passion when he hugs me for that few minutes and his eyes seem to not want me to go. But then he disappears. He always does. This scene would last for 5 minutes and then it goes. My maid told me today that she has been having this weird dream of pigeons in the house one white and one black. She holds on to the white one, and the black one tries to enter the house but he can't find the way in.
Its almost 2 months since I last met him down south. The last good memory was the evening breeze as we sat by the strait overlooking Singapore island. My eyes stung from the tears I had cried prior. Despite the mixed emotions, being around him always gave me a sense of calm, and automatically my whole body and mind would come to a serene relaxation mode. It is this calmness that I miss so much. He's like the brakes to my overwhelming adrenaline pumping hectic dramatic lifestyle. No other man in my whole life has that effect on me. And that is a crucial missing point that I really need in my life - a break. Only a person who runs a schedule like mine would really understand the importance of it.
Sometimes I wished that God would allow us to meet so that I can get his side of the story. But God is All-Knowing, and perhaps it is not the best time for us to confront, if we were to see each other again. I could only pray that God gives us the best choices for our lives, whether together or not.
Oh well, its no point stressing on this now. There are still many things ahead of us, and perhaps this is one of the dramas of my life where we yet to know the ending. If we are meant to be, we will be, regardless of the obstacles. If not, then God will find me a better man. Amen.
Regardless, I love my life and the process of going through it. I have all faith that no matter what comes before me, God will always protect me and help me get through. Its the very essence of the Universe. Life has already been set for us, but we are still given the choice to decide which ending we want - just like those gamebooks I use to read when I was younger. Except for the choices we have are more bountiful compared to a left turn. Some choices bring joy, others bring tears. But everything that happens occurs for the best.
The most recent choice that I had to make was decide on my love life. Everything else was falling into place except for that single aspect. It is difficult to determine the outcome for relationships because there are 2 equal major variables that influences the outcome. I have exhausted my side trying to make it work and perhaps this is for the better. We both need time. I know it, God knows it. And perhaps having to let go of the love of my life for this moment in time although painful is perhaps the wisest thing to do at this point.
I know that my friends or people looking at us would never understand what I see in this particular person. The fact that I kept the relationship a secret from everyone for the first 3-5 months baffles even my dearest friends. We had our reasons. But purposely ignoring me for a whole month is perhaps a bit too overboard. Whatever I did that may have offended this person, does not warrant such a treatment. So after pondering it for days, I've decided the issue is with him and not me, and I will no longer wonder why. God knows what's best.
I keep having the same dream, over and over again. We are together and he hugs me tight, but tells me that he can't stay long and he has to go. It is so vivid that it almost feels so real. He doesn't say that he loves me, but I can feel his passion when he hugs me for that few minutes and his eyes seem to not want me to go. But then he disappears. He always does. This scene would last for 5 minutes and then it goes. My maid told me today that she has been having this weird dream of pigeons in the house one white and one black. She holds on to the white one, and the black one tries to enter the house but he can't find the way in.
Its almost 2 months since I last met him down south. The last good memory was the evening breeze as we sat by the strait overlooking Singapore island. My eyes stung from the tears I had cried prior. Despite the mixed emotions, being around him always gave me a sense of calm, and automatically my whole body and mind would come to a serene relaxation mode. It is this calmness that I miss so much. He's like the brakes to my overwhelming adrenaline pumping hectic dramatic lifestyle. No other man in my whole life has that effect on me. And that is a crucial missing point that I really need in my life - a break. Only a person who runs a schedule like mine would really understand the importance of it.
Sometimes I wished that God would allow us to meet so that I can get his side of the story. But God is All-Knowing, and perhaps it is not the best time for us to confront, if we were to see each other again. I could only pray that God gives us the best choices for our lives, whether together or not.
Oh well, its no point stressing on this now. There are still many things ahead of us, and perhaps this is one of the dramas of my life where we yet to know the ending. If we are meant to be, we will be, regardless of the obstacles. If not, then God will find me a better man. Amen.
