It has been ages since I last had time to sit and write for my blog. Yes it has been a hectic one month, especially with both my girls with their father for this moment, I find myself endlessly working. Only recently I managed to breathe a little bit better by focusing on settling my problems step by step. Difficult issues to tackle, yet I do believe with wisdom, luck and perseverance I'll be just fine. I have my God with me at all times, there is nothing to be afraid of.
During this time also I felt emotionally torn returning to an empty home. There were so many incidents that I could have sworn I heard Nabilah's voice and laughter but when I looked she was not there. There were instances in my sleep that I felt like my girls came into the room and talked to me. Yes, I miss them terribly and I guess not many can understand the loneliness and agony of not being able to speak or see my babies. I have already figured out a solution to my problem for the short run, which if the plan works would be a great relief for the 3 of us.
I noticed there was a lack of social communication between me and my friends. There was even a more lacking communication between me and my platonic boyfriends. Speaking of platonic boyfriends, the sad reality is that they don't understand me. Which in a way it is a good thing because then I don't feel so guilty ignoring everybody. I find myself more interested in hanging out with my girlfriends rather.
I do admit at times I do feel lonely. Sometimes a warm hug is all I crave for. I am after all human. Regardless of age, race, stature.... every human being requires love. That is what makes us human. With my babies out of sight, the yearning for love becomes more intense. It just feels so alone waking up in an empty bed, walking through an empty house. Maybe that is why I prefer to work all the time, at least I am surrounded by people. Luckily now i do have some housemates, but even they find it difficult to break my workaholic cycle. Its a survival instinct. At least I feel like I am doing something to change my current situation.
There was actually one thing that God wanted to show to me during this period. In my most unhappy time, only few realized the torment I was going through - thus these people are the people whom I should pay more attention to. As for the men who are just there for smiles... well, it was nice to know you, but you don't care about me, why should I bother about you?
I have come to terms that the path I walk will be quite lonely for a bit, but eventually I will find that right someone for me, and I will get my babies back definitely. (Likely the babies first). Being unique is not easy - its hard to find people like you. But being unique is God's gift to you, so I shouldn't complain. To find a person as unique as I am is not that easy...... to get someone to appreciate the uniqueness in me is even harder. Nevertheless, it is not impossible, so I shouldn't put my standards any lower...
During this time also I felt emotionally torn returning to an empty home. There were so many incidents that I could have sworn I heard Nabilah's voice and laughter but when I looked she was not there. There were instances in my sleep that I felt like my girls came into the room and talked to me. Yes, I miss them terribly and I guess not many can understand the loneliness and agony of not being able to speak or see my babies. I have already figured out a solution to my problem for the short run, which if the plan works would be a great relief for the 3 of us.
I noticed there was a lack of social communication between me and my friends. There was even a more lacking communication between me and my platonic boyfriends. Speaking of platonic boyfriends, the sad reality is that they don't understand me. Which in a way it is a good thing because then I don't feel so guilty ignoring everybody. I find myself more interested in hanging out with my girlfriends rather.
I do admit at times I do feel lonely. Sometimes a warm hug is all I crave for. I am after all human. Regardless of age, race, stature.... every human being requires love. That is what makes us human. With my babies out of sight, the yearning for love becomes more intense. It just feels so alone waking up in an empty bed, walking through an empty house. Maybe that is why I prefer to work all the time, at least I am surrounded by people. Luckily now i do have some housemates, but even they find it difficult to break my workaholic cycle. Its a survival instinct. At least I feel like I am doing something to change my current situation.
There was actually one thing that God wanted to show to me during this period. In my most unhappy time, only few realized the torment I was going through - thus these people are the people whom I should pay more attention to. As for the men who are just there for smiles... well, it was nice to know you, but you don't care about me, why should I bother about you?
I have come to terms that the path I walk will be quite lonely for a bit, but eventually I will find that right someone for me, and I will get my babies back definitely. (Likely the babies first). Being unique is not easy - its hard to find people like you. But being unique is God's gift to you, so I shouldn't complain. To find a person as unique as I am is not that easy...... to get someone to appreciate the uniqueness in me is even harder. Nevertheless, it is not impossible, so I shouldn't put my standards any lower...
