Its a coming of Another New Year........... 2013 recap

It has been ages since I've written on this blog. In a span of 2 years, so many things have changed. I have changed, people around me have changed. My girls are so big now. Aina is practically a young lady. Bella is fighting with hyperactive disorder secondary to attention deficit but she is still able to learn. This coming year, I will need to intervene more, unfortunately the father does not understand thus a lot of my efforts come undone whenever she goes to the other side. Still, persistence is one of my virtues so I target latest by June she'll be able to read properly.

So How was 2013?

1. Business - Its steady. Nothing much to shout about except the new expansion project which is a secret until it happens. I have a good team now who work hard with me to make the Clinic a success. I am looking for another member, for marketing since my manager is going nuts with all the workload. Already found another name for a new blog project and going to start them next year hopefully.

2. Health - I had a health scare earlier the year due to adrenal fatigue. Initially thought it was one of those autoimmune diseases or thyroid issues but turned out more of stress related adrenal fatigue. Much better now, appreciate my sleep better.

3. Family - My brother went for Haj. My elder sister had a stroke, Ija had a baby last year. Nana's gone off to UK, and Beth graduated recently in Tasmania and will start working there. Dad is nicer to me this year, but age has really taken quite a toll on his past active lifestyle. Lumbar pain radiating to his ride side due to likely a prolapsed disc or just spondylosis causing him to have pain one walking too long. But still, he travels all over the place like nobody's business. Strong willed man he is, I guess that's where I got my trait. Waiting for him to find time to come in to my clinic and try out some of my therapeutic procedures. (Yes, I do treat medical problems but you need to ask). He still tells friends I'm not a doctor anymore, Hmmm.

4. Friends - Kept some, lost some and made better ones. Overall I try to be nice to everyone.

5. Love Life - Ahaaaa.... this is what most people are curious about. I fell in love with a man whom I've known for quite a long time. We were pretty much soul mates - his presence was really felt, to the point that I can actually narrow down his location if he is within my vicinity. It spooked him at times, sometimes he'd accuse me of stalking him but if its an instinct how could it be stalking. I felt it when he was sick, in pain or unhappy. We lived in 2 different cities at that point. My kids loved him for his gentle manner and his family liked me I guess (Spending time with his family was fun). It seemed perfect until he went into his man cave and didn't come out. He shut me out for more than 2 years. It hurt bad, because I can still feel his presence. Ironically we now live in the same city but even more further apart. So finally last Muharram I decided to call my peace - I'm letting go. I leave my heart to God. God will give me a better person. I am after all the Queen of Drama, it would take a lot in a man to cope with me and how the universe arounds me evolves. To this special guy, I pray you find your happiness and a woman to love and care for you as I would have. I pray you settle down soon and have the whole battalion of children we use to joke about. I could not afford to give you 8, I'm not a house trained woman - we both know that. I am not hitting the brakes for my career and I feel that you can't cope with that. Too bad, because we would have made a whole lot of difference together. (BTW, I did scout for the island we wanted - its still pretty much affordable plus it comes with sailboat :) ).

6. Studies - Yes, I am still geared up to continue studies. The first hurdle though is to make the clinic run without me. I've calculated 4 different papers to sit for plus the few study designs I'm interested to do. Let's see how next year roles.

7. Mia Familia - Aina, Bella and our 2 furry members Goldie and Striqey. I need a maid and a driver. My schedule is getting too crazy atm.

Okie.... that's a wrap for 2013. Writing down 2014 resolutions in a couple of days.

October 2011

Its October again... October 1th to be exact. My late mother's birthday. Sometimes I wish she was still alive, then perhaps my life will be less the drama. But Allah always knows whats best, so perhaps my mum dying young was the best for all of us. Life would have been different yes.

Every October, I will start to evaluate my life and see how I have grown from the year before. You can only improve yourself if you are able to see your own flaws. As the years pass by, I find that I appreciate life more.

So what has changed and what has not?

In terms of my business and career, I think I have really improved so much from the year before. I am more confident with my clinical skills in medical aesthetics, I am more confident in my knowledge and treatments, and I am more relaxed when handling patients and complications. In terms of business, I think I have become a better negotiator, and is more careful handling my cashflow and stuffs. I have managed to slowly settle off debts that accumulated before, and I am slowly regaining my sales performance. Maybe my only flaw now is an over hectic schedule and need to train my staff better and time for me to organize my things. I also need to learn to delegate tasks to other people better so that I have more time, and should only focus on activities that benefit the business.

In terms of family, my girls love me more, and I spend more quality time with them if not physical time. They are starting to understand what transpired between me and their dad, and the need for me to focus on business and that I am always here to listen to them. Nabilah has grown into the most loving, cutest little girl. Aina is turning into a young lady, but perhaps she needs a little bit more of confidence boost, hence the need for her to live with me from now onwards. I wonder whether the father will have a big enough heart to put her needs before his. To go to court again is tedious and may just affirm my belief that the Syariah Family Court system is a Circus Court. In US, I would be able to sue the court for psychological trauma of girls for prolonging my custody fight over 2 years, but this is Malaysia - a place where every state has a different syariah court jurisdiction. As for my sisters, I pray we keep this good relationship till we grow old.

In terms of personality, I find myself a lot calmer and more patient with situations. I don't hold grudges. I forgive easily although I don't forget, and I can simply ignore people who claim I am their friend but does not respect my life as a real friend should. I don't get distressed over so-called friends who berate me over my lack of enthusiasm to be in touch with them. I'm sorry, you were just wasting my time before, why should I bother give you any of my time now? I concentrate on the people who appreciate my friendship and I find that my life is much more happier then stressing over nonsense. I think this is the biggest change inme. In the past I worried so much about pleasing otehrs that sometimes I exhaust myself too much. Now, I couldn't care less unless they really care about me. And I know I have a lot of friends who care and love about me, and accept me the way I am. Besides, it only makes sense that if they are your true friends they will definitely know how you really are.

In terms of love. Hmm.. the tricky part. I admit, I am in love with a man. But maybe I put my love for this man more than my love to my God, when I have promised my God that He is my first lover and so God made him disappear. Initially it was such a painful experience because I was left with a huge question mark. But now I think I have come to terms with it. God showed him to me and made me love him. If he is my companion in this world and the next, then God will bring him back. If he is not, then I will have to accept it willingly, because God knows what is best for me, and I have never doubted that. If there is a better person, he will come at the right time. No need for me to stress about it. Although some would argue with me and say that I may get lonely or I should go get another boyfriend. I am not looking for a boyfriend, I want a life companion to serve God in all his grace together. If the guy is just looking for a girl to pass his time, I am not she. I am too busy with other aspects of my life to waste my time on a person who does not understand lifelong companionship for God. If there are none in this world, so be it - I will find him later in my afterlife. 

It has been a good year, and I pray it continue to get better. Despite a lot of tragedies in between, everything happens for a reason, and thus it is my duty to learn from each incident to become a better person. Life is too short to be unhappy, I choose to be happy.

Perhaps its for the best...

I sometimes wonder why I bother,
With issues of the heart,
Which as of dates has no other role,
But to make my spirits fall apart.

I wonder why I really care,
About having love and somebody there
When all I feel is hurt
And all my dreams are burnt.

I wonder why I cry,
For someone who doesn't care why,
False promises and broken lies,
Deep agony as time goes by.

I wonder if this is all a test,
To see whether I'll be better than the rest,
Although my heart and head are in a mess,
Perhaps its for the best.

We plan..... God decides.

Its been a hectic few months. My life is drama, it has always been, it may always be. From issues in the Company, to my social life, my neighbourhood, my family and even my love life. Sometimes I imagine a camera shooting the events that occur in my 24 hours. Even my dreams are like segments taken of from a drama scene.

Regardless, I love my life and the process of going through it. I have all faith that no matter what comes before me, God will always protect me and help me get through. Its the very essence of the Universe. Life has already been set for us, but we are still given the choice to decide which ending we want - just like those gamebooks I use to read when I was younger. Except for the choices we have are more bountiful compared to a left turn. Some choices bring joy, others bring tears. But everything that happens occurs for the best.

The most recent choice that I had to make was decide on my love life. Everything else was falling into place except for that single aspect. It is difficult to determine the outcome for relationships because there are 2 equal major variables that influences the outcome. I have exhausted my side trying to make it work and perhaps this is for the better. We both need time. I know it, God knows it. And perhaps having to let go of the love of my life for this moment in time although painful is perhaps the wisest thing to do at this point.

I know that my friends or people looking at us would never understand what I see in this particular person. The fact that I kept the relationship a secret from everyone for the first 3-5 months baffles even my dearest friends. We had our reasons. But purposely ignoring me for a whole month is perhaps a bit too overboard. Whatever I did that may have offended this person, does not warrant such a treatment. So after pondering it for days, I've decided the issue is with him and not me, and I will no longer wonder why. God knows what's best.

I keep having the same dream, over and over again. We are together and he hugs me tight, but tells me that he can't stay long and he has to go. It is so vivid that it almost feels so real. He doesn't say that he loves me, but I can feel his passion when he hugs me for that few minutes and his eyes seem to not want me to go. But then he disappears. He always does. This scene would last for 5 minutes and then it goes. My maid told me today that she has been having this weird dream of pigeons in the house one white and one black. She holds on to the white one, and the black one tries to enter the house but he can't find the way in.

Its almost 2 months since I last met him down south. The last good memory was the evening breeze as we sat by the strait overlooking Singapore island. My eyes stung from the tears I had cried prior. Despite the mixed emotions, being around him always gave me a sense of calm, and automatically my whole body and mind would come to a serene relaxation mode. It is this calmness that I miss so much. He's like the brakes to my overwhelming adrenaline pumping hectic dramatic lifestyle. No other man in my whole life has that effect on me. And that is a crucial missing point that I really need in my life - a break. Only a person who runs a schedule like mine would really understand the importance of it.

Sometimes I wished that God would allow us to meet so that I can get his side of the story. But God is All-Knowing, and perhaps it is not the best time for us to confront, if we were to see each other again. I could only pray that God gives us the best choices for our lives, whether together or not.

Oh well, its no point stressing on this now. There are still many things ahead of us, and perhaps this is one of the dramas of my life where we yet to know the ending. If we are meant to be, we will be, regardless of the obstacles. If not, then God will find me a better man. Amen.

Wait for you......

The warm breeze that blew that day,

Marked the day you went away,

You could see the tears in my eyes,

As we were forced to say goodbye....

Although the distance is temporary,

Can't deny the pain of solitary,

You hugged me close and whispered in my ear,

Promise me babe, you'll wait for me here....

And in a wink, you disappeared,

Leaving me alone here..

I will wait for you baby,

As long as you need me to,

I'll keep this promise I hold baby,

Until you pull through,

No matter how long it takes,

No matter how high the stakes,

I will wait for you baby,

As long as you remain true...

Sometimes I wonder......

Sometimes I wonder,

What is it that you are searching for,

Am I not good enough,

That you choose to ignore,

Does all the riches in the world mean so much to you,

Than having me by your side loving you?

Money, power and wealth will definitely come,

But if you have all and is alone would it be fun?

Life is too short to be wasted away,

Is your ego too big to even ask me to stay?

Perhaps its not me that you dream in your sleep at night,

The silent spell you cast makes it seem right.

Although I am superwoman,

I will never be a man,

The silence you pledge is not one that I can understand,

To the point I'd rather hear you utter harsh words,

Or whatever method so that you can be heard,

But you chose the silence that cuts through worst than any knife,

Might as well you take my life,

Because have you ever stop to think that the silence has an ability to kill,

The strong love we had, that I crave still.

Perhaps what I want and what you want are two different things,

And perhaps we do not even share the same feelings,

But how on earth will I ever know,

If keeping quiet is what you show.

Would you be selfish enough to lead me on,

And at the end of the day, move on.

With tears in my eyes I pray that it is not true,

For happiness is what I feel when loving you,

Except for the silence, everything else is in place,

Such wonderful love all gone to waste,

But seriously darling, would you submit to your ego,

Of keeping quiet until I choose to go,

If I chose that road, there will be no return,

No regrets, no shame, and love all burnt.

Between Love, Wealth and Power........

Its been awhile since I've actually written in my personal blog. Not at all due to the lack of interest in writing, but rather the lack of time and the need to be more discreet. When you are at the helm of a big idea, despite your good intentions, you need to be wary about things that may shoot you down. I have a few snipers waiting in the dark to get me at the right moment.

Being me is possibly one of the most hectic jobs around, although many friends express their jealousy of the flexibility of my time and work. Yeah, but then I work all the time, other people get to clock out at 5.The earnings are good as long as I am willing to pour in the extra effort, and mind you, most of it is your own effort.

Which is why my time is highly valuable. Time is money. And in the line of what I am doing, network is of utmost importance. Hence you could imagine the stress I am going through when I lost my Iphone. Luckily I have a back-up of my contacts and applications in my macbook but it still leaves me to have to buy another phone. Wish it was that simple.

But despite all the chaos going around in my world, I know it doesn't bother me that much since its always been chaos. Just needs a little more effort to get it to the point I want it to. What bothers me is whether am I making the right decisions for my own personal life. Unfortunately, only God knows.

Being an alpha female is never easy. Especially when you have empathy on board. Despite telling myself I will not make any excuses for a guy, I find myself spiraling down the same tunnel. Its not exactly healthy to the mind. It bears worst for the heart. And I keep asking myself day by day why do I let myself be hurt by my beau's complete ignorance of me.

Young men are so naive. They believe that they have to act so macho in front of a woman so that they don't lose their manhood. It is completely bullshit. A real man has the capability to tackle his surroundings and at the same time keep the woman that he loves happy. There is a misconception on what makes a woman happy. For younger women, material items makes them feel happy but its temporary. As you mature, (and have the capability to buy your own goodies and diamonds) all these material items are not so important anymore. What is more important is the attention. No point having a beau if he is not concerned about your daily happenings.

A lot of guys ask me this, why do they need to text the girlfriend everyday, and that they like their privacy. I simply answered, a relationship involves 2 people. Therefore, you can't just think about what you like, but what the other would prefer. If you go around doing only what you like with disregard of what the other person feels or wants, then definitely the other person is sacrificing his/her own comfort to compensate yours. In time, this will lead to more dissatisfaction and cause the relationship to wilt and break. Besides, smses cost 10 cents. Men spend more on cigarettes. And it'll save you the hassle of having to fight with your girl daily. Girls just want attention, if you don't give them any, they'd feel unappreciated.

The best part is, the moment they hit 35-40, they become more fatherly and concerned, so young stuffs get excessive attention. Which is why I won't tolerate this sort of treatment. I've been married before, I know exactly how I want the relationship to be. Having a communication breakdown is probably bliss for the man, but hey, I'm just human. If I feel unwanted I'll just walk. No more sacrificing for people who do not appreciate it.